Long term long distance ending relationship opinion appreciated

LegacyUser

Hi all, there is great advice given on this forum and now I am looking for some from you. I am going unreg for this, I am in a long distance relationship just over two years, she lives in the uk. we see each other every second weekend, thanks to both of us being close to our respective airports and Ryanair! I have pretty much made up my mind that I am no longer happy with the situation / relationship. I am not going to go over on one of the typical 4 night trips, play happy families and then drop the bomb on the last night, as it is a low thing to do in my opinion.

So the question is, would you go her way, break up face to face and head back the same day and I have no problem doing that (despite the fact it would be bloody hard, its not like I wont be upset) or if its over would others take the view that its over, what is the point in going through the extra upset, hassle and expense?

Stavro Mueller

You've got two options here. Either make the day trip or call her. Seeing as it's a long term relationship, breaking up with her in person would be the most courteous thing to do. Not everyone will agree with me I'm sure but in the circumstances a phone call would do either if the day trip it's going to cost you a lot of money.

Is it just the long distance thing that's making you want to end this? I assume you've both discussed the idea of someone moving and neither is prepared to budge?

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

So the question is, would you go her way, break up face to face and head back the same day and I have no problem doing that (despite the fact it would be bloody hard, its not like I wont be upset) or if its over would others take the view that its over, what is the point in going through the extra upset, hassle and expense?

Er, the point is you need to do this right. "Upset, hassle and expense" are pretty flimsy reasons for avoiding a face to face break up.

If you have any respect for her you'll do this in person. Just book one night, tell her you can't do the usual 4, and go over and do it then. Surely you owe her that much?

Don't wait for her to come to you to do it, as she'd then have to travel home alone after being dumped.

Tokyo

OP, the nature of my lifestyle over the past decade or so (a LOT of living abroad) means I've both given and been on the receiving end of that conversation quite a few times now, and while it's never easy, how you go about it can make a world of difference. My last LDR ended abruptly - an email from the girl in question, all social media deleted by her immediately afterwards, and it still sticks in my memory as having been a horrible way to go about things.

I'm going on the assumption that you don't see your relationship as being salvageable here (if it is, then by all means explore those options first), but if you've been together that long, then show her the respect of meeting her face to face for this. I would imagine that this isn't the first time that you have expressed unhappiness with the situation, and that she's not living in this bubble of ignorance and bliss, while you have been unhappy for a while now. So give her some form of a heads up before you come over - tell her when you get there that you want to talk about where your relationship is at, with the whole long distance thing and all, and that way she will have some inkling that it's not just going to be 'playing happy families' as you put it.

Go over for the day, see if you can arrange to meet in neutral territory (quiet coffee shop, park, somewhere that you will be afforded some privacy that you can both walk away from afterwards), say what you need to say, and leave that evening would be my recommendation.

giggle84

One of my best friends went out with a guy for 2 years, 1 of which was long distance. They broke up on the phone and she never saw him again and years later she still feels like she never got closure.

I would either do it face to face as suggested above, or raise it on the phone so she knows it's coming and then go to see her asap afterwards, either way you should see her one last time.

LegacyUser

I agree with person above who said fly over, neutral ground and return that day.

I went out with a woman for about 6 months and then moved away due to my job being relocated. It was never serious, just the typical once a week dating phase really over an extended period. No I love you etc... We didn't really keep in touch much after I moved, didn't ring each other and were only in contact by email. Met up once or twice. So it was long distance at that point. I broke up by an email..... Hadn't spoken in person (other than email) in weeks... I still regret it to this day. So even though it's lousy thing to have to do and a bit of a waste of a trip as you say, I'd still do it. After two years you will regret it I think if you just ring her up and do it over the phone.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies everyone, its much appreciated! I will be doing it in person, I felt it was the best way to go about it personally, just wanted to see if that was the general consensus here, which it is. I would see the girl again as we have mutual mate in Dublin, there is not a chance I would have even put the phone break up option out there if this wasnt the case. Also there is obviously no way I would break up here and have her really upset going back, again thats why it wasnt even suggested.

Stavro to be honest its more than just the distance, at this stage I feel things have run there course and my heart just isnt in it any more. The endless planning, living on whatsapp and viber, logistics, crack of dawn flights, a few weeks ago I was in the airport three times in the space of several days, its just too much on top of my normal work and social life which is hectic enough...