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so scared i'm going to lose my relationship

  • 04-02-2015 3:59pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all
    regular poster going anon

    I really need some advice here, because i'm so scared at the moment.
    Yesterday, i received a call i had been dreaming about for years. I got offered a job.
    I want to take it but the thing is it's in the UK and my bf of nearly 7 years has said he doesn't want to leave Ireland/come with me.
    We have lived together 5 years at this stage.
    I'm so scared. I love him so much and can't imagine being without him, but he says he doesn't know if he'll ever come to the UK. I have a disability two so it's been impossible to find work here and I feel really lucky that this employer is giving me a chance and so much want to take it to get onto the employment ladder etc but i so do not want to lose my bf. I love him so much i feel so confused right now. A job is all I've ever wanted and now I have that there's a whole new set of challenges. Please, has anyone ever been in this situation and what did you do/how did you cope? :(
    Thanks in advance


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,656 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Had you both not talked about this before you decided to go applying for jobs overseas? I'm not implying that you need his permission or anything, but surely if you're in a seven year relationship, then this is something that comes up in conversation before you start sending out the resumés. Did he have anything to say about it then, or has this just come as a surprise to him now??


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    mike_ie wrote: »
    Had you both not talked about this before you decided to go applying for jobs overseas? I'm not implying that you need his permission or anything, but surely if you're in a seven year relationship, then this is something that comes up in conversation before you start sending out the resumés. Did he have anything to say about it then, or has this just come as a surprise to him now??

    Hi Mike
    Thanks for your reply. we had talked about it and he had just said it wouldn't be easy, I don't think he thought I would get a job over sees, or that I would take it if I did.
    I really don't know what to do


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,507 ✭✭✭Buona Fortuna


    Hi HBS, some thoughts

    So your bf is reasonably settled here, job, family etc.?

    What is your bf proposing then? He doesn't want to go. Is he expecting you not to go?

    Could your relationship work "long distance"? Would it work financially for you both to be travelling back and over each weekend or so?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    It seems you've reached an impasse.

    You want to go.

    He won't go.

    Time to weigh options. I've seen long term relationships work, but those couples hadn't been living together for years beforehand.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP is this a full time contract or a fix termed one?

    If your planning to move over indefinitely and he is not going with you then there's not much you can do other then leave him and go or stay and keep looking here but if it's only going to be for say a year and then you'd have the skills to find something closer to home then discuss with him working your relationship long term for that time.

    My dad did a very late career change that involved him going to Asia for nearly 2 years and my parents made it work, the UK is not that far, you just need to be open with each other.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi HBS, some thoughts

    So your bf is reasonably settled here, job, family etc.?

    What is your bf proposing then? He doesn't want to go. Is he expecting you not to go?

    Could your relationship work "long distance"? Would it work financially for you both to be travelling back and over each weekend or so?
    i think he understands I will go, just says it won't be easy, which I know. I wish he would just agree to move over, as his family don't even live in the city we do, he has no job, and we don't have any family or other commitments like that. He just says that he "likes Ireland" and that if he had to leave it would make him very sad. He also says he doesn't want to come just because it's expected of him. Every time I've told anyone about it, is he coming with is the first question that's asked. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, and I didn't have a job I'd be gone anywhere with him in a heartbeat, and I would find stuff to do. Specially somewhere as similar to here and as close as the UK. Yes there are some cultural differences but nothing that can't be gotten around/used to. I don't know about every weekend, to start with I won't be exactly rolling in it, and not sure when I would get promotion. TBH i'm just so thankful and grateful for this opportunity, I can't believe he won't come with me so we can be together, but then maybe that's selfish of me? He says he doesn't want me to not go because of him, but potentially now I know it could mean the end of the relationship down the line, so now in a bit of a situation.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,656 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    I find both of your behaviour leading up to this to be quite strange to be honest - neither of you seem to be acting like a couple who have been in a seven year long relationship. There doesn't seem to have been a whole lot of discussion on your part when you considered applying for jobs and moving overseas in the first place, nor does there seem to be much of an invested response form him now that this is on the table - a shrug and an 'it won't be easy' hardly counts as a strong reaction, and as he has no job himself, there isn't really anything preventing him from going, by the sounds of it? Honestly it sounds like he has the notion that if he mopes for long enough and makes you feel guilty, you'll put the idea on the back burner again and he'll get what he wants.

    You guys need to have a serious talk - he needs to see that you are genuinely giving serious thought to moving over there, with or without him. You say that it's the job of your dreams, so I would imagine that you would regret it for a long time to come if you didn't at least give it serious consideration. As mentioned above, how long is the job for? If it's a contract job for a year or so, then it's a no-brainer - living apart for that length of time isn't overly difficult, and flights between Ireland and the UK are quite cheap nowadays. However, if this is a career move, and you can see it being longterm, then you both need to seriously discuss it, where your relationship is, and whether this could be a dealbreaker for your relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,507 ✭✭✭Buona Fortuna


    Agree with Mike you have to talk - and then talk some more ;)

    Is there anyway of selling the benefits of this to get him on board?

    This is a start. Maybe promotion and money down the line. Maybe we could look to buying a small place later on.

    That maybe this all feeds into where we want to be as a couple in so many years time.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    It certainly sounds like there is a bit of a lack of committment to you and the relationship from your boyfriend. I know when my boyfriend and I were out of work, if either of us got a job we would have upped and moved with no questions asked, because at that many years together- we are a team.

    I too have a disability so I know how hard it is to find work. You should be really proud of yourself! And he should too. In getting this job, you have not only opened doors for you, but also for both of your futures (in relation to money, opportunities etc.).

    I would say grab this opportunity with both hands. Your boyfriend should be encouraging and supportive and if he would prefer to sit at home on the dole not moving forward, then leave him there!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Does your bf have a job or children here in Ireland?

    I know that you are so grateful to just finally be offered a job, but have you looked into all the details about what the move would entail.
    Have you researched what the company is like to work for and do they have a good system in place that would work effectively around your your disability, have you worked out what salary you would get and will this be enough to afford to live in whatever area of the UK it is in? Some parts of the UK has a serious housing problem right now in that people cant afford to live near work so commuting costs would have to be taken into consideration. Some people on an average wage living in city centres like London especially are living in absolute hovels that cost them the majority of their wages. People renting in illegal converted garden sheds and garages that are not adequately insulated or made damp proof are becoming an increasing problem that councils are trying to clamp down on. These are hardworking people earning a wage but it's just not enough sadly.

    What is the general area yo may be living in like - crime rates, cost of living?
    How much holidays would you get from the job and does it pay enough to for you to be able to live comfortable and travel home for some of these holidays?

    You've probably already thought of these things, but I'm just listing them because you so sound so excited to just get a job offer that maybe you might not have and might just jump into something headfirst. I do this myself sometimes.

    If you took this job in the UK would it improve your chances of finding employment in a similar area in Ireland? Does the company have a branch in Ireland, or are there other employers of different companies but of the same nature in Ireland that could hire you in the future if you have gained experience first in the UK?

    If it is possible that this job would help you get employment in Ireland eventually, would your bf be willing to try out the move for a few years with the aim that you would be applying for jobs in Ireland again once you had built some experience.

    Or even if you never wanted to move back to Ireland, would your bf be willing to do a trial period of 1 year in the UK to see how he feels about it then?

    If you decide to do long distance relationship, would both your incomes allow for you both to travel to visit each other as often as possible?

    Personally, I would take the job if it ticked all the above boxes but I'll admit I'm someone who will usually just do what I want when it comes to career choices and hate the idea of anything holding me back. I am in a very long relationship myself and my oh has moved with me before to the place I needed to be. We don't want children so don't mind moving around a bit if necessary. If you do want to settle down and have children with this man, then depending on your age it could make this a more difficult decision.

    It sounds like a very tough choice. You could end up resenting him a lot if you decide to stay and worry about missed opportunities, so if you do decide to stay you need to make a real conscious decision that this is not something you are going to blame him for or throw back at him in the future. You have the decision to make now and it is your own decision not something you are being forced into.

    If you go and the relationship ends and you end up not liking the job or being unhappy about living there, then you could end up kicking yourself. Again though this is only a possibility of your decision that you will have to own and decide whether or not this is an outcome that you would be able to live with.

    Would you be able to live with either of these scenarios equally or is one much worst than the other in your mind?

    Ideally you may be able to some sort of compromise here and your bf agrees to either a trial move over there for himself, or else you both try to give long distance a shot.

    I think after 5 years it is worth at least trying one of those compromises, but I suppose it depends on whether you bf and yourself are willing to try them too.

    Best of luck whatever you decide.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've just read your other and seen that your bf has no job or family or commitments holding him back that would make this harder for him.
    I understand liking living in Ireland nothing wrong with that, but after such a long relationship I can't understand why he is not willing to even give it a shot to do something that would make you so happy and improve your confidence and gain experience.
    Yeah it might not work out that way, but I would think he should at least give it a try if even only temporary.

    I would definitely be veering on the side of just going for the job now as long as the other work conditions are good etc.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    ElleEm wrote: »
    It certainly sounds like there is a bit of a lack of committment to you and the relationship from your boyfriend. I know when my boyfriend and I were out of work, if either of us got a job we would have upped and moved with no questions asked, because at that many years together- we are a team.

    I agree that this is how it should be.

    OP it does sound like your boyfriend may not be committed enough to move with you. There's nothing really keeping him here and given the circumstances I would think he should be willing to give the UK a try.

    From my own experience, I was with my ex for seven years too (also living together for five years) and a few years into the relationship I floated the idea of moving to the UK as there were better opportunities there for me in my industry (and for him too) and I felt it would be a good experience for us. He wasn't interested and I let it go, but then about a year later a job came up in London that he wanted and applied for. Of course I would have happily gone with him, but he didn't get the job. I suggested we go anyway as there were lots of other opportunities for both of us there and we had no real ties in Ireland, but he didn't want to go unless he got the specific job he wanted.

    It was a symptom of a lack of commitment and an unwillingness to compromise. Everything was on his terms; we lived in his house, we decided not to have kids (a decision driven by him) and yet despite the freedom that gave us he never wanted to do anything with it. He told me he'd marry me but never followed though, and ultimately he broke up with me because I expected a commitment and he simply wouldn't give it. Now I know every relationship is different, but do ask yourself if there are other areas in your relationship where something is lacking or if there's a real commitment there. What would your boyfriend do in this situation if you were married?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    Honestly, regardless of his commitment levels, some people don't ever see themselves going abroad for a chance at a job. And that's all it is, at least to him: a chance. You're lucky, you've got your job and you're set, but think about what you're asking him to do here: leave home, go to the UK - where unemployment benefits are handed out once every two weeks and are about half of what we get here - and attempt to get a job, most likely in an industry that isn't being catered to anymore, at least to a level where he could get a job and help sustain your living arrangements.

    I think that you're excited about this job opportunity and you're imposing your own narrative onto your life together - where you'd move with him without even thinking if he was in the same position as you - but there's very obviously a situation here that isn't the case. It seems like you expect him to do something because you'd do it, and you haven't really been listening to him when he's been saying the exact opposite. The main point here is that you two aren't sustainable, he has very different ideas to what you have about your relationship regarding sacrifices and team work, and that's the main problem here. I'm coming across as harsh, but I'm just trying to say that your narrative isn't his, his actions are his own and it's the same with his decisions, and he's made it clear he isn't happy with the idea of moving. I think that you have to shoulder some of the blame for this scenario, because you didn't sit down and have a serious discussion about what the both of you want, what you'd be willing to do and what you'd be willing to give up for your future together. I think a clean split, where you go to the UK to do your job and leave him to do his own thing, is the best way to do this. He isn't going to fundamentally change and I think the two of you don't really mesh.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, about five years ago my fiancé and I found ourselves in your situation. He had part time work but applied for jobs in the UK. He had an interview and was offered a job in the space of a few days. Immediately he wanted us both to move but I didn't want to just leave everything that I knew and move to a strange place to suit him. From my perspective, while I didn't have family where we lived, they were a few hours away. I had stuff to do where we lived. I had friends, familiar sights, I knew the place and I was happy there. He had a job that he had to try, pass probation and an area that was strange and it would mean that while he was at work I would be stuck at home alone all day with no money and without the possibility of seeing my family. From his perspective, he had a job and I had nothing to stay in Ireland for.

    He moved on his own and lived in a house share. I visited and vice versa. I moved out of our home into a house share in Ireland. I got a job and kept busy. As it turned out, he didn't like the job and after six months moved to a completely different area. After he was settled, permanent and felt that it was the place he wanted to be, I searched for jobs and once I got one moved.

    We had been together for as long as you. We did long distance and now we are settled together again.

    Don't underestimate the power of your boyfriend's feelings. If he wants to stay and not to go with you, he feels that way for a reason. You made the decision to job hunt on your own, so live with thay decision and find your life there on your own. Once you are settled and know tge area, he will be in a safer position.


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