Relationship Crisis

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 12:07pm #1

Hi,

Looking for advice on a long term relationship, we've been together for 6 and a half years.

I met him in college coming straight out of an abusive 4 year relationship. I was very damaged. I left counselling because being with him gave me a lift and I felt I was ok. I pretended to be the person I thought he'd like me to be for the first 3 years, agreed with everything he said, accepted whatever way he treated me, it was rarely bad, goin out with friends and not seein me for a week or so at worst. I can't remember if I had fun with him then, we kept our lives very seperate. And I was so focused on keepin him happy I never asked was I. My friends and he have only met a number of times even though we were in college together.

I got depressed again and brought up the idea of a break up after the 3 year mark and he promised me the world and more. He offered to do anything I wanted with my friends. He'd stay home with me rather than go out with friends. He really gave me everything he had, even leaving his hometown to be closer to me. I didn't want him around my friends though, it felt awkward for me so unnatural because we had kept all that so separate. He changed a lot and so did I. I was more comfortable in myself.

Last year I found myself back in counselling unsure of what brought me there. He did so much to help me and was so distraught I was unhappy. He made sure I was busy for the next couple of months and we enjoyed that time together. Since then we've moved in together (I cried for weeks before movin out, at the time I thought this was because I'd be leaving my family, maybe it was) and now he's bringing up idea of buying houses and leaving my hometown for better quality of living, it makes so much sense. It's everything I thought I wanted from life. He loves me more than I could ever ask of anyone so why am I so hesitant? I have anxiety wondering what I should do. We don't have much fun together, Im a playful person I like giddiness and messing and he's more serious and ambitious. He honestly is the kindest most loving boyfriend but it's missing the butterflies and physical side of things. I adore him but is it more of a friendship we've developed? Am I just freaking out? Or is there more to relationships than this? I haven't anything but an abusive relationship of intense highs and intense lows to compare this to. Do butterflies and fun always die after so long? Please help. He's an amazing amazing person, I don't know why i can't be fulfilled with that.

Matteroffact · 31-01-2015 1:33pm

Ask yourself how you would feel if he wanted to break up with you and this might give you a better perspective. It could be that you are so sure of this guy that he presents no challenge and you are a bit bored. There is no guarantee that you will meet anyone better but there again there is no guarantee that you won't. You could try a trial separation, just to see how you feel. That might help you appreciate him more. However, if you have to go these lengths to realize how you feel about him then maybe he is not for you.

Purple Mountain · 31-01-2015 1:45pm

Would you go back to counselling and talk your anxiety/hesitancy over with someone from an objective angle?

Stavro Mueller · 31-01-2015 2:02pm

Seeing as you're such a damaged person, it's hard for me to get into your head. Having said that, you are coming across as someone who's trying to convince herself that this guy is the right man for her. You spent the first 3 years being someone you weren't - that's an awfully long time. Even now, things seem to be off-balance.

It's hard to know whether your distress at moving in together is the anxiety you clearly suffer from or your gut telling you that something was wrong. Are you any happier since you moved in with him? I think for now, you'd be mad to even think about buying houses. Would you be prepared to go for a compromise for now - try renting in the area where your boyfriend's thinking of buying.

How long are you back at counselling?

shalalala · 31-01-2015 2:26pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Seeing as you're such a damaged person, it's hard for me to get into your head. Having said that, you are coming across as someone who's trying to convince herself that this guy is the right man for her. You spent the first 3 years being someone you weren't - that's an awfully long time. Even now, things seem to be off-balance.

It's hard to know whether your distress at moving in together is the anxiety you clearly suffer from or your gut telling you that something was wrong. Are you any happier since you moved in with him? I think for now, you'd be mad to even think about buying houses. Would you be prepared to go for a compromise for now - try renting in the area where your boyfriend's thinking of buying.

How long are you back at counselling?

I am sorry but the op is not any more damaged then anyone else walking around. OP do not start thinking about yourself in that way.

Is is hard to see where your anxiety is coming from. I echo the poster above, how would you feel if he broke up with you? Even if it is a bit relieved then he isn't the one for you.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2015 4:15pm

shalalala wrote: »

I am sorry but the op is not any more damaged then anyone else walking around. OP do not start thinking about yourself in that way.

Is is hard to see where your anxiety is coming from. I echo the poster above, how would you feel if he broke up with you? Even if it is a bit relieved then he isn't the one for you.

Thank you Shalala, I've done a lot of work on myself to ensure im no longer damaged so I appreciate that.
That's a great call on both of your parts, matteroffact and shalala. I do think there would be an element of relief but then as matteroffact said maybe it's that there's no challenge and I'm bored. That sense of boredom could change very quickly when I experience life without him so maybe a break is something I might have to look it. I think it would come out of left field for him and hurt him very much. I don't know if he'd be open to it. Who knows. I'm just struggling with whether this is where most relationships go after so many years or if there's more to it than that. Thanks so much for all of your responses I really appreciate it.

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 4:18pm

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Would you go back to counselling and talk your anxiety/hesitancy over with someone from an objective angle?

I have organised that for next week. Thanks so much for your advice.

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 4:24pm

shalalala wrote: »

I am sorry but the op is not any more damaged then anyone else walking around. OP do not start thinking about yourself in that way.

Is is hard to see where your anxiety is coming from. I echo the poster above, how would you feel if he broke up with you? Even if it is a bit relieved then he isn't the one for you.

Thanks Shalala I've worked very hard to undo the damage. I am not a damaged person. Yours and matteroffact's advice is very helpful thank you. I do see the merit of a break but is that not the damage done? He's not going to be prepared for this at all. He'll be so hurt because of me. I do feel like there would be an element of relief but is matteroffact right that maybe I am bored and I'll find out pretty quickly once I've burned my bridges which one it is. I suppose what I'm confused about is, am I expecting too much and do all relationships become like this after so many years or can you have fun and have a compatible partner in life?

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 4:26pm

Ps. My anxiety is caused by my need to decide what I need to do.

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 4:28pm

Matteroffact wrote: »

Ask yourself how you would feel if he wanted to break up with you and this might give you a better perspective. It could be that you are so sure of this guy that he presents no challenge and you are a bit bored. There is no guarantee that you will meet anyone better but there again there is no guarantee that you won't. You could try a trial separation, just to see how you feel. That might help you appreciate him more. However, if you have to go these lengths to realize how you feel about him then maybe he is not for you.

That's really good advice matteroffact thanks. No nonsense answer!! I think I was hoping for an 'of course you'll find another man' but life comes with no guarantees. I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses!! ......sigh!!

cactusgal · 31-01-2015 5:06pm

Hi op, glad you are planning on going back to counselling, good on you for taking that step.

When were you last single? It sounds as if you've been in a relationship since you were very young, and I gather you are still young.

I do think you need to be honest with your partner and tell him how you're feeling. Perhaps a trial separation would be healthy for you. If he does truly love you, he'll want you to be happy and well. He'll also want you to be in a relationship with him because you truly love him, not because you're afraid of hurting him, or of being alone.

Life is short, it's very easy to remain in relationships that have a shelf life of one year, but end up being years and years long, because you commit yourself to the wrong person too easily, and it can then be very hard to get yourself out it. You can end up wasting a lot of time and missing out on other opportunities for personal growth.

I'm not saying that's what's happening with you and your boyfriend, but it would be good to examine your relationship, and yourself without the relationship, to really be sure.

Good luck, it's really not easy, but don't ignore your anxiety. You're feeling these feelings for a reason!

Xx

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 5:24pm

cactusgal wrote: »

Hi op, glad you are planning on going back to counselling, good on you for taking that step.

When were you last single? It sounds as if you've been in a relationship since you were very young, and I gather you are still young.

I do think you need to be honest with your partner and tell him how you're feeling. Perhaps a trial separation would be healthy for you. If he does truly love you, he'll want you to be happy and well. He'll also want you to be in a relationship with him because you truly love him, not because you're afraid of hurting him, or of being alone.

Life is short, it's very easy to remain in relationships that have a shelf life of one year, but end up being years and years long, because you commit yourself to the wrong person too easily, and it can then be very hard to get yourself out it. You can end up wasting a lot of time and missing out on other opportunities for personal growth.

I'm not saying that's what's happening with you and your boyfriend, but it would be good to examine your relationship, and yourself without the relationship, to really be sure.

Good luck, it's really not easy, but don't ignore your anxiety. You're feeling these feelings for a reason!

Xx

Thanks cactus girl for your kindness and understanding. It's not gonna be easy either way is it?!! We just moved in together 4months ago it could get messy! There's no easy answer here though!xx

cactusgal · 31-01-2015 5:47pm

No, there's no easy answer for sure. But best address it now before you move towards anything long term, like buying property, etc. I was engaged to what turned out to be the wrong guy, and the anxiety was absolutely awful, especially as he was a nice guy and he loved me. We went to couples counselling and I also went on my own. It helped me do what I knew I needed to do. I also had the pressure of a wedding I didn't actually want to go through with hanging over me, so I really had to make a decision.

It's hard and horrible and so stressful, but I promise you will be better for it, whatever it is you decide to do. It sounds silly, but at the time, I kept telling myself, "nobody died and nobody got pregnant." It was very tough, but not life-stopping.

Mind yourself x

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 7:07pm

cactusgal wrote: »

No, there's no easy answer for sure. But best address it now before you move towards anything long term, like buying property, etc. I was engaged to what turned out to be the wrong guy, and the anxiety was absolutely awful, especially as he was a nice guy and he loved me. We went to couples counselling and I also went on my own. It helped me do what I knew I needed to do. I also had the pressure of a wedding I didn't actually want to go through with hanging over me, so I really had to make a decision.

It's hard and horrible and so stressful, but I promise you will be better for it, whatever it is you decide to do. It sounds silly, but at the time, I kept telling myself, "nobody died and nobody got pregnant." It was very tough, but not life-stopping.

Mind yourself x

Wow thanks for your honesty. Very true none of it is life threatening just hardy going! I just want to be at peace with the decision. Thanks again, you've been such a help. Xx

FurBabyMomma · 31-01-2015 8:29pm

I think struggling with depression, coming from an abusive relationship and into another can often mean that you haven't been listening to who you are and what you need. Particularly in this relationship you've been trying to be someone your boyfriend wants you to be rather than yourself. Is there any wonder the cracks are starting to show in your facade?

I think it sounds like you need some time on your own to figure out who you are, what you want and what makes you happy. Once you know that it'll be easier to find someone to share your life with, instead of being miserable pretending to be someone you're not.

The Princess Bride · 31-01-2015 8:47pm

Hello OP.
You went straight from an abusive relationship into this one.
You're still only a very young woman.

Maybe you need time out from relationships to work on becoming stronger for you?
You say that he promised you the world and more?
Seriously, he shouldn't have to do that.
When it's right, you know it's right and there won't be any questions or doubts.

The counselling will help, but seriously consider taking some time for you.
Best of luck, think positive.

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 9:47pm

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Hello OP.
You went straight from an abusive relationship into this one.
You're still only a very young woman.

Maybe you need time out from relationships to work on becoming stronger for you?
You say that he promised you the world and more?
Seriously, he shouldn't have to do that.
When it's right, you know it's right and there won't be any questions or doubts.

The counselling will help, but seriously consider taking some time for you.
Best of luck, think positive.

Thank you The Princess Bride. I'm 27 and have been in a relationship since I was 16. These were my developmental years so I can totally see how time out would be beneficial. I suppose I'm just terrified it's a case of the grass is greener and the regret I could be in for. I know there's no guarantees and what I'm looking for im not goin to be given here it can only come from me. I will try remain positive, thank you for ur valuable advise. ðŸ˜Š

confuzzled3 · 31-01-2015 9:52pm

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

I think struggling with depression, coming from an abusive relationship and into another can often mean that you haven't been listening to who you are and what you need. Particularly in this relationship you've been trying to be someone your boyfriend wants you to be rather than yourself. Is there any wonder the cracks are starting to show in your facade?

I think it sounds like you need some time on your own to figure out who you are, what you want and what makes you happy. Once you know that it'll be easier to find someone to share your life with, instead of being miserable pretending to be someone you're not.

I know it's time for me to be honest about my needs. I can't believe all the support I've received today thanks to u all. I expected to be on the end of some 'you're being so selfish' comments. That's all on me too I suppose! Time out seems to be the general consensus. Now to get my brave hat on.

DukeOfTheSharp · 31-01-2015 11:01pm

It sounds like you're looking at this relationship through the lens of your abusive relationship, but took little-to-no time to heal and because of that, your anxiety and depression is showing more frequently and aggressively. At the end of the day, you're not doing yourself any good in this situation by staying in it. You describe yourself as damaged, I've seen damaged people and this isn't the case for you. You are, however, emotionally unhealthy (not in an insulting way) as you've never really taken the time to work through the issues you had in that previous relationship, which usually take years to work through effectively. No matter how good your current OH is, your issues will always prevent you from being happy with him, because you have no idea what makes you happy, and despite the counselling, you're still terrified of any sort of forward momentum. You're doing yourself and your OH a huge disservice, you both deserve to be happy but right now, I can't imagine either of you are. He could move heaven and earth and it wouldn't matter, you can't bury issues like this and hope they never come back - if not just as bad or worse.

Basically, leave. Have a clean break up, arrange regular counselling sessions, and most importantly, focus on you. A break or separation period isn't fair on either party, and your anxieties aren't going to settle knowing that he's still there in limbo, when the chances are pretty slim of you two reconciling at this point. You need to sort your emotional state out, deal with your depression (which isn't being helped by any of this) and face your past before you pursue any further relationships.

Relationship Crisis

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