I'm a waste of a life.

LegacyUser

I've suffered with anxiety, which has worsened significantly over the last couple of years and assosciated depression and can't help but feel lately that i'm a waste of a life. I've been given this unique gift of being a living breathing person and I spend most of my time in a state of either anxiety or irritability.

And it isn't just one type of anxiety disorder - it's like i'm bombarded by loads of them. I worry every time I get a pain in my body that i'm about to die. I worry when I exercise that I'll die of sudden adult death syndrome. I focus on my breathing and think I'll just stop breathing for no reason - like my body will just forget how to breathe for no reason.

I am socially anxious and always worry about turning red when people speak to me. I barely talk much to my family, am always irritable with them. I can count the number of people I've small talked to without alcohol on 2 hands in the last three years. I've been working in the same place for months and nobody really knows me. I've only ever had sex with 3 girls despite being 25 years old, and 1 of them was a once off. Now I can't even bring myself to talk to girls even with alcohol because my opinion of myself is so low. I've never had a muscular body despite it being a goal of mine for the last 8 years. Instead I just give up after working out for 2 weeks. I spent my early 20's playing video games and watching porn.

I know this is an awfully depressing post and i'll try list the positive things I've done for a bit of balance, but for me they are far outweighed by my anxiety. I've graduated from college, I've had a girlfriend, I've travelled alone twice to Asia. I've got myself a job after college, I've thought myself how to play guitar and I consider myself a good cook.

But what good are these achievements when i'm constantly plagued by anxiety? I've read nearly all the good self-help books you can name but I still remain trapped in negative thinking. I understand all the CBT side to it. I've seen a doctor but they invariably prescribe anti-depressants which are ineffective to me - plus they ruin my sex drive.

My background is that I've always lived at home and both my parents suffer with anxiety. My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was about 8 years old. So I guess I've been brought up in an environment where I'm conditioned to worry. Not that i'm blaming my parents, but could this be detrimental to me to continue living there? I had planned on moving out soon as I have the money.

I'm not sure of the exact advice i'm looking for but I guess I just feel so down and dunno what to do?. Life is a wonderful thing and i'm wasting it. I'm not approaching girls, i'm too shy to speak to people and i'm worrying about dying early all the time (i'm only 24). Maybe i'm just suffering from looking on the dark side of life all the time but it's tough comparing myself to all the normal happy people I see around me. Thanks for anyone who has even read this as it's been difficult to write.

Rubberchikken

hi op,
it's sounds like you're in a difficult place but you also sound like you want to do something about it so go to your gp. go for counselling and see how things work out.

do you need to keep saving before you move out or are you in a position where you could start looking for a place of your own?

good luck

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

hi op,
it's sounds like you're in a difficult place but you also sound like you want to do something about it so go to your gp. go for counselling and see how things work out.

do you need to keep saving before you move out or are you in a position where you could start looking for a place of your own?

good luck

Thanks for the response, I thought nobody would reply as it was a depressing post. I currently have 8k saved up from my job and am finished that job next month. I was actually thinking of going on a working holiday to Canada or Australia in March. But I don't know if I should. I don't know if i'll even get a job with my anxiety. but it might be the drastic change I need.

tailgunner

You are not a waste of a life. You were not born at someone else's expense, and your value as a person is not based on your current mental health.

Your list of positive attributes is impressive, and it's not even a comprehensive list. Based on how you come across in your post, you are also very intelligent and articulate.

You're dealing with issues that would be really tough for anyone, but you've acknowledged them and are seeking help. This is really positive as well.

As for what to do next, focus on the things you can change right now. Your current living situation does not sound healthy. You have the money to move out, so that's something you can change almost immediately.

Focus on eating well (you're a good cook!) and ease yourself into very mild exercise. Go for a short walk this evening. If that goes okay, try a longer one tomorrow.

Regarding your depression and anxiety - if what you've tried so far hasn't worked, try something else. See a different doctor, or try counselling. Like any health issue, what works for others may not work for you, and it may take time to discover what you need to get better.

Life is indeed a wonderful thing. You're very young, and you have every potential to make the most of it. Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

tailgunner wrote: »

You are not a waste of a life. You were not born at someone else's expense, and your value as a person is not based on your current mental health.

Your list of positive attributes is impressive, and it's not even a comprehensive list. Based on how you come across in your post, you are also very intelligent and articulate.

You're dealing with issues that would be really tough for anyone, but you've acknowledged them and are seeking help. This is really positive as well.

As for what to do next, focus on the things you can change right now. Your current living situation does not sound healthy. You have the money to move out, so that's something you can change almost immediately.

Focus on eating well (you're a good cook!) and ease yourself into very mild exercise. Go for a short walk this evening. If that goes okay, try a longer one tomorrow.

Regarding your depression and anxiety - if what you've tried so far hasn't worked, try something else. See a different doctor, or try counselling. Like any health issue, what works for others may not work for you, and it may take time to discover what you need to get better.

Life is indeed a wonderful thing. You're very young, and you have every potential to make the most of it. Take care of yourself.

Thanks for that, it was nice to read it. I suppose this sort of outside perspective is what I was looking for. I've a very low opinion of myself, despite recognizing my achievements I tend to belittle them and focus on how my anxiety is ruining my life. It's just that after reading and understanding exactly what anxiety is, I thought the natural next step would be to overcome it but it hasn't worked out like that.

I'd feel sort of guilty for moving out of home in a way. My parents, despite their emotional weaknesses and negativity, are very good to me and always have been. But I do think I need to do it.

Podgers

Hi OP,

Sometimes we focus too much on who we see ourselves to be than who we want to be. i think if there is a lot of negativity in the home its not going to help, you end up being consumed by it. i did find from travelling and living away from home my perspective did change, regarding self-confidence. I went to Canada for a year with just the shirt on my back, with the mindset "nobody here knows me or knows anything about me, i can be the person i want to be"
At 24 you have realised there's something wrong which is a good thing, your willing to do something positive about it, certainly not a wast of life.
Counseling can help and its good to talk about things, the more you talk about it the easier it gets. i even did Clinical Hypnosis.

as tailgunner said try different things and you will find something that will help. there is a philosopher called alan watts, there is some videos on youtube of his lectures and i found them helpful too

Goldenlady

Hi Op,


Firstly fair play for writing the post, it must have been hard to put it down in words. Its a horrible horrible feeling to be anxious, I have suffered with it since I was about 19 years old, am 35 now. To be 100% honest, I found the best thing for me was exercise. It cleared my head, gave me something to focus on etc. Don't get me wrong, anxiety didn't just disappear, it comes and goes and recently I went through a bad phase, the worst since it started when I was 19! BUT ive come out the other side.


you mention about travelling, how are you anxiety levels when you are away? how were they when you were in Asia? Maybe it is your surroundings you need a break from, change of routine.


Sorry I don't have much advice, but please don't think you are wasting life. you seem to have achieved a lot already at 24 years of age and to have €8k in savings, fair play to you!! I didn't have a penny at your age...


Keep the chin up and try counselling, but just research the counsellor first, you would need one that is good with anxiety, believe me the wrong counsellor can make you worse!!


Good luck x

LegacyUser

OP I'm around the same age as you (actually a bit older 25), and I can safely say you are not a waste of space, some of the stuff you've done is amazing. Going traveling on your own twice is amazing I wish I had the courage to do this. Saying you've only had one girlfriend and have only had sex with 3 girl, guess what I've never had a girlfriend, never had sex and believe it or not never even kissed a girl. I suffer badly with anxiety and depression so I know where you are coming from. I'll echo that exercise helps to a certain extent, doesn't have to be anything major. I also find working on something can help, be it a hobby or some kind of project. I wish I could give more advice but my situation is very similar so I'm not sure what to say.

ChaosSymbol

Give yourself some credit OP, you're dealing with an extremely debilitating issue and yet you've still accomplished more than a lot of 25 years olds! Two trips to Asia alone? That's impressive for anyone, let alone someone with anxiety to deal with.

You really just need to make some changes here, and I know that sounds daunting as hell, but just start with a pen and paper and write a list. If I were you, my list would start off like this:

1. Use that 8k to book 8 sessions with a personal trainer, even in a private/empty gym if that takes away from the anxiety of it. Go twice a week for a month and as soon as you have a bit of confidence, join a gym on your own and cut the PT sessions down or just continue with it yourself. I think this would give you so much confidence. The gym can be scary as hell when you first start and have no clue what you're doing, i.e. 'people are looking at me', 'I look stupid'. If you go to a PT and learn properly, you'll know that you're on the right track and the anxiety/self consciousness will lessen. I can promise you this.

2. Clean up your diet. Don't deprive yourself of things, but just try to eat a little healthier each day. Look up fun recipes online and try them, you did say you're a decent cook...

3. Do you play much guitar? Do you write songs? I'm so jealous, I would love to be able to play! Why not sign up to something like soundcloud.com and put up a few songs to see what reaction they get? You can even join anon if you like, as it's audio and not video uploading.

4. Move out. I wouldn't suggest a house share right now, it's a nightmare at the best of times and when you seem to like having your own space, you don't want feelings of 'I don't want to see anyone today, so now I'm stuck in my room'. Maybe a studio apt would work, or a share with just one person. You should move though, I bet your parents really do mean well, but it doesn't sound like a fantastic environment to be in.

5. Try online dating. Seriously, it's great for people who need a little time to open up and get to know other people. You don't even have to meet anyone for ages, or ever, but it'll get you more comfortable with conversing with girls

6. You might be happy enough doing your own thing, which is cool. I get that. But if you're after a bit of socialising, try something like meetup.com - it's hit or miss sometimes with who you meet, but there's no harm in trying it.

7. Talk to a therapist. Whatever about CBT, I think simply talking to someone about how you're feeling would help an awful lot.


Also, 3 sexual partners at 25 is not anything to be ashamed off and it's not anything unusual. Sure, if you'd been in a relationship since 16 you might only have 1. Some people at that age still don't have any - and that's cool too. It's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else and is no reflection of any aspect of who you are, in a positive or negative sense. It's just like saying 'I've only gone swimming twice in my whole life'. No-one gives a ****, seriously

LegacyUser

HI OP.

That must have been a very difficult post to write so well done for being so brave and honest.

I understand what it feels like to suffer from anxiety disorder and I too have suffered with one for quite some time. It must have also been difficult to grow up in an environment with two parents suffering from anxiety.

It seems you are very aware of the negative aspects of your life but you also have so many positive things that I feel you would benefit if you honed in on these more. I think its really important that you focus on the positives as opposed to the negatives.

I had quite a rough time in 2013 and found that the only way I could get back on track was to try be productive and keep busy focusing on my hobbies.

I know you have tried CBT but maybe try another counsellor?

Above all I want you know you are not a waste of life , it sounds to me that you are a little depressed...this is how I used to feel. You will get through this with help of doctor and taking steps in the right direction. ie realising you have completed massive achievements.

Once you start believing in yourself your confidence will grow and this will help with shyness.

Its amazing the changes that can happen in a short space of time. I wouldn't recognise myself if I look back at myself 2 years ago, I was so riddled with worry about the future and past I couldn't enjoy the present.

Once I stopped worrying , which was difficult , things slowly changed and I have been confident enough to take chances I wouldst dreamed of taking in the past.

all the best x

LegacyUser

I would also like to point out that you have achieved more than most at your age whilst suffering from anxiety- this alone shows what a determined person you really are.

It is really important to start believing in yourself , seek help, talks to others so you realise you are not alone. I wish I had realised at 24 as opposed to 29 that my anxiety had taken over my life.

You are young and have achieved plenty, you have a lot of potential to be happy if this anxiety is managed correctly and that can be done.

All the best and well done for posting such an honest post. Focus on the positives and not the negatives and the world will look very different x

skooterblue2

I am glad you are recognising your problems and despite hurdles you have managed to over come them. I understand many of the emotions you are feeling too....
What I would do I would write them down in a list:

Anxiety
History of Depression
self deprocating
Panic attacks
socially anxious with communication problems
Irritibility disharmony within the family
Problems making friends and sustaining them
Problems with Male/female relationships
Body image issues
Excessive time spent on Vidoe games and porn
Has an interest in Music and playing guitar
still living at home
history of similar problems in the family mental health
Treated for anxiety with antidepressants with no effect

First you should take some of that money and invest it in your mental health. A psychological report should cost in or around €500. Get one from a Psychologist specialising in Education (week days they maybe attached to a college or other education center and moonlighting doing private reports at the weekend), look for an old boy with experience and letters (Reg Psychol. Ps S.I.). Then you will start to get answers. Understand I cannot help you because of restrictions on here. I cannot advise you either on who to see but be careful some will write what you tell them other will give you an honest apraisal. The ones who ask you what you want to be diaganosied with are known by others in industry and their diagnosis carries no weight. The ones who tease out the answer independently are respected ones. www.psihq.ie and Aspire.ie both keep lists of members. Honestly you really need someone to recomend one.

Secondly you are an amazing individual you have completed college. You will have an amazing girlfriend too. This take time to develop character. You can cook and play guitar?.... Girls think those are really cool skills. And you have a job you have no idea how far ahead you are in life. As a friend you sound like a grounded individual who has a lot to offer in a friendship.

if you follow the above instuctions you will get the answers you are looking for. Life wont be easier just different with more understanding. You will develop social skills and get the things you feel you deserve in life.

Littlekittylou

OP give yourself a break. SERIOUSLY! You are being so hard on yourself.

I know perhaps that is hard and I don't really have hugely detailed advice.

But I know I am fiercely hard on myself. It's not useful.

I find being my own cheerleader gets me DOING stuff.

I genuinely think you are being really really hard on yourself. I think your fears are distorting your reality.

Do get support for what is now you healing process and learning to value yourself.

You have value you are NOT at all a waste of space.

Don't be so hard on yourself {:-) and try and have some fun!

catbear

You're in a negative loop so step out. You've got you cash cushion, good.
A good break in a different environment would be great for getting your mind out of that destructive space.
Use councillors, that 's their job to be an ear.
If you just need to kick back 8000 would have you living extremely comfortably for more than a year although you get bored after a few months. Do it before Australia, that place is very expensive!