counselling?

Nanazolie

Hi

I hope you can advise me. Sorry, long story

We have been married 10 years, total of 15 years together. We have 2 lovely kids, but things have been increasingly difficult since the youngest was diagnosed with autism.
Last year was an extremely difficult year for both of us, not only did we have to deal with our son's issues, but also with other problems that made life so stressful I thought I would reach breaking point. Eventually, we pulled through, or so I thought.

I have been growing more and more resentful of the facts that I do everything at home, that I was the one getting our son diagnosed, then fought to get him a place in school, arranged for therapy, etc. Then, when our daughter started to have issues too at school, I dealt with them. I'm also working, and I have reduced mobility due to an injury that won't heal.
My biggest bugbear is that my husband 'unwinds' on his computer, watching movies or playing video games, and while I accept that we all need to take some time off, I resent that I'm left with carrying it all by myself.
For instance, I take the kids to the playground at the weekend, he will have a break for 2 hours, I would expect to be able to sit down and have a coffee when we come home. But not so, because the little one needs to be supervised, otherwise he wrecks his sister's room and it always ends up in tears. My husband pretends he can't hear them, he has his headphones on and sits at his desk, and when things escalate and I loose my cool he tells me 'I'm looking after it'. Except it's too late, damage has been done, by then our son is beyond control and I need to calm him down and I end up pretty upset myself. Once the child is calm, my husband will 'look after him', i.e. put him in front of the TV so he can keep playing his own video game.

The same happens in the evenings, I work from home, so when I'm finished, I turn off my laptop, then start straight away on the homeworks. My husband comes home and turn on his computer, sits down and starts watching a programme or playing. I finish the homeworks, make dinner. After dinner, I wash the kids, read their bedtime story, tuck them in bed. Afterwards starts the game of 'mummy, mummy, I need...., I'm scared, I am thirsty, I can't find my blanket, etc....'. My husband says 'ignore them', which is easy for him seeing he has his headphones, but then the screaming intensifies and it's either I attend to it or none can sleep. And all this while I make the lunchboxes, fill paperwork, do the laundry.

Every now and then, my husband feels that things are getting too much for me, so he 'helps', say he makes the lunchboxes, or folds 3 shirts.

You will say it's my fault for accepting this. Except last year he kept saying he was so depressed that he thought of killing himself, he was in a depression, etc. So I thought I needed to support him, despite having my own issues, because I could be strong, couldn't I?

Of course, I mentioned all this. Several times. How I needed some support myself, etc. I ended up hiring a cleaner, which I can ill afford, because my injury was getting so bad I couldn't even vacuum the house. He also says that I'm doing too much, and the kids would be ok if I did less. Except our daughter needs school support, except that our son needs a place in school and a SNA. Except dinner is not appearing on the table by magic. And so on....

Then, there is the issue of hygiene, which was already pretty slack but has gone from bad to worse, to the point where I am considering sleeping in a separate bed. I know it is a side effect of depression, as is a lack of interest in others or life in general. But how do I bring this up? How do I sort this out without storming out with the children out of the house for good?

Thanks!

LLMMML

Your partners behaviour is pretty unreasonable but it's hard to know what exceptions to make for someone with mental illness and threats of self harm, and where to draw a line.

I didn't get the impression from your post of any calm conversations expressing your needs. Maybe a calm non-accusatory conversation about taking turns to settle your child, regardless of who feels they need to unwind at that particular moment would help. At least then if he is playing his xbox, you can remind him that he agreed to handle this turn.

Is he seeking treatment for his depression? Is this treatment working?

Nanazolie

LLMMML wrote: »

Your partners behaviour is pretty unreasonable but it's hard to know what exceptions to make for someone with mental illness and threats of self harm, and where to draw a line.

I didn't get the impression from your post of any calm conversations expressing your needs. Maybe a calm non-accusatory conversation about taking turns to settle your child, regardless of who feels they need to unwind at that particular moment would help. At least then if he is playing his xbox, you can remind him that he agreed to handle this turn.

Is he seeking treatment for his depression? Is this treatment working?

You are right. I tend to bottle up my feelings, then they get out all in one go and it's never the best way to discuss thorny issues.
However, I also know my husband well and every time I tried the soft approach, he was either trying to turn things back on me, or playing the depression card. For which he is not seeking treatment, he 'escapes through gaming' (his words, not mine)

I finally picked up the courage to call Accord. I now need to summon more courage to tell him I want to go to counselling, because I really, really want things to work out.

Thank you for your comment

Keane2baMused

Nanazolie,

I really feel for you they are difficult circumstances. Raising kids is tough as it is but when you have a child with special needs I think it's ten fold. My son has autism also and I can really empathise with how all of those must be making you feel.

I definitely think it sounds like your dh has some form of mental illness. But all the same his behaviour is unacceptable. There's no way you should be left so unsupported. Have you tried to sit down with him and tell it like it is? He may need a wake up call for him to realise you won't put up with his behaviour any longer.

If I could give you one piece of advice it's this. Saturday morning tell your dh you are going out and do just that. Leave him with the kids and go and take some time for YOU and do not feel one bit guilty about It. If he calls with questions and asking you to come home remind him that this is your life day in day out but you somehow have to manage.

He needs support yes if he does indeed have a mental health problem, but he needs a wake up a call and reminder that he has responsibilities regardless.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Nanaz,

I sympathise, I really do. You have a lot on your plate. Some useful stuff in the replies above and I don't have a lot to add I'm afraid.

I wonder if you couldn't try a bit of softly softly encouragement as well? Something like:

"Why don't you make those toasted banana sandwiches for dinner the kids love them."

"They love it when you take them to the park/ swimming / for a walk"

"Why not come with us to the swings?"


Not much help, I'm afraid. What is his idea of "unwinding on the computer" - porn / flirty chat/ something else?

Pawpad666

Your husband needs to get help for his depression. It's not his fault that he suffers with it but it's 100% his responsibility to get the help he needs. He's recognised that he's suffering with it so it's not a case of uncertainty with what's wrong. His method of escaping into his games/shows in an unacceptable solution.

Until he gets treatment for that, it'll be very hard to get him to see things in a reasonable manner.

Nanazolie

Thanks to everyone for their suggestions. I think writing the post was cathartic, and it helped me see more clearly. All the comments confirmed that the best was to seek support

I got the push I finally needed, contacted Accord and told him yesterday. I could see he was shocked, but that he half expected it. May be it's what he needed too, because he wouldn't have sought help all by himself. He was in quite a state this morning, but I reassured him that it was the best, because if people don't want to talk, then it's because they think the relationship is beyond mending. I also told him we both needed help, and that we would get through this together

Again, thank you