Need some advice please

nojjh

I could use some advice as I've seen lots of people on this who have been given great advice. Some background, I'Ve been with my partner for 10 years we are both still quite young and have two amazing children. We had many ups and downs like i am assuming most couples have. When he was in college he kissed another girl, he said nothing else happened and I was never sure if I believed him. I found out of my own accord and it took him a very long time to own up to it. we broke up for a few months after that. we eventually got back together and things have been good. He seems to have changed as in he has grown up and so have i.
My problem is this week he went on a lads week, he went overseas not on holiday really but to some car show. there was a lot of them going. hes been gone now for 2 days and hasn't contacted us at all and i havent contacted him. I would not be able to go away and not call my children. I'm going through this thing where i love him one minute and the next i hate him. there have been a few things that bothered me lately. he barely speaks at home but he goes out and laughs and jokes with friends. Am i that bad that he can't do that with me?
Is it normal for people in relationships to do this kind of thing? It might sound petty but all sorts of things were going through my head. He has once given me reason not to trust him and obviously i dont. Is everyone always happy in their relationship? Do others question if they are with the right person? should you just know? everyone else trust their OH completely? Im having lots of doubts right now and i really dont know how to handle them

DeclanJWhite

hi, nojjh :-)

It sounds like you're starting to come to the boil, that going away for two days without contact, and being sociable outside the home, were the final straws. A person's family is the centre of their world; I don't know how they would not want to touch base daily.

It sounds like you both have to do a lot of speaking to each other, that both your minds and hearts are full but under lock and key.

jopax

If it was me, rather than leave it all spinning around your head I would ring him.
Quite casually too I would add that you were surprised he didn't contact you.
There is not a lot you can do when he's away, so try not too over think things, the mind can be a scary place when you leave it run away with you.
When he comes home you could have a good chat with him about how you feel and go from there.
Don't be thinking the worst when you haven't even spoken.
Good luck, I hope you have a chat with him for your peace of mind.

nojjh

he actually just called me there. says hes been out drinking all night till 4 in the morning. is that something people should be doing? i really dunno what to do here your right i should talk to him but when we argue i always seem to be wrong so i guess i avoid it at all costs

DeclanJWhite

I don't know if it's something people should be doing but it is something that people definitely do.

It's unfortunate your conversations take that argumentative turn where you are told you are in the wrong. This is an unsatisfactory reply I know!

Stavro Mueller

nojjh wrote: »

he actually just called me there. says hes been out drinking all night till 4 in the morning. is that something people should be doing? i really dunno what to do here you're right i should talk to him but when we argue i always seem to be wrong so i guess i avoid it at all costs

Drinking until 4am sounds about right for a bunch of youngish men gone off on a trip together.

What's more concerning is that second sentence you wrote. Are you saying that any time you disagree with him, he puts you down and says you're wrong?

piperh

nojjh wrote: »

he actually just called me there. says hes been out drinking all night till 4 in the morning. is that something people should be doing? i really dunno what to do here your right i should talk to him but when we argue i always seem to be wrong so i guess i avoid it at all costs

There is no reason why he shouldn't be out until that time of the morning when he's away.

It seems like you are not happy that he's gone away and are now seeing issues where there might be none. The issues such as not talking appear to knock your confidence, now I don't know if that's a low self esteem problem but if he is the type to dismiss your feelings then he is doing you no good. I think you really need to go somewhere neutral and public and sit and talk, make him realise you and your children need his attention to.

nojjh

Thanks for all the replies.
He makes me feel crazy sometimes like I am clingy but I really don't think I am. Maybe there are trust issues there but i dont think that anyone will ever completely trust anyone else. Maybe its just me. Well he rarely says sorry he usually says that I am wrong and I accept that he doesn't understand my feelings and thinks that I am wrong. No I don't like him going away there is always the fear that when I'm not there that he will give into temptation, but I know that I cannot always be there and that he needs time with his friends. I guess it is an issue that faces lots of relationships. But I see so many people put years into relationships and be cheated on or walked out on. I just don't see the point. These women obviously trusted these men to marry them and have children with them. I trust my partner as much as I can and I don't think that he would hurt me BUT everyone trusts their partners and people are left hurt all the time . I guess what I am wondering is how do you KNOW that your in the right relationship? I love him I miss him when hes not there He feels like home as though when im with him and our children i feel safe. But is that enough? Oh god im rambling sorry...

LegacyUser

nojjh wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.
He makes me feel crazy sometimes like I am clingy but I really don't think I am. Maybe there are trust issues there but i dont think that anyone will ever completely trust anyone else. Maybe its just me. Well he rarely says sorry he usually says that I am wrong and I accept that he doesn't understand my feelings and thinks that I am wrong. No I don't like him going away there is always the fear that when I'm not there that he will give into temptation, but I know that I cannot always be there and that he needs time with his friends. I guess it is an issue that faces lots of relationships. But I see so many people put years into relationships and be cheated on or walked out on. I just don't see the point. These women obviously trusted these men to marry them and have children with them. I trust my partner as much as I can and I don't think that he would hurt me BUT everyone trusts their partners and people are left hurt all the time . I guess what I am wondering is how do you KNOW that your in the right relationship? I love him I miss him when hes not there He feels like home as though when im with him and our children i feel safe. But is that enough? Oh god im rambling sorry...

The reality is no one ever knows, ever, that their partner won't cheat on them or leave them or that it will turn out to be the right relationship. It's not something you can know for sure. If it was no one would ever have to trust anyone. That's the whole nature of trust. You don't have to trust that the things you know are true, are true. It's technically a noun if you look it up, but it's also a verb in practice. It's not just something that exists. It's also something you do. It's an action. It's saying to yourself "I can't know that this person won't hurt me, but I'll choose to believe that anyway, and act accordingly, because I love them and they deserve that much at least, and because if I don't it's basically only a matter of time before the whole thing goes tits up regardless" and then you follow that through in relation to how you relate to them.

Constantly worrying about it, and looking out for signs that could indicate something, and trying to control circumstances, in the mistaken belief it affords you some kind of 'protection' in relation to being cheated on or whatever else is madness, and pointless. As many women (or men) that are constantly trying to watch every little thing, constantly looking for signs, and constantly trying to control the variables get cheated on, or walked out on, as people that do not. And many of them miss just as much as people that do not, because when everything is a "thing" it eventually becomes absolutely impossible to discern fact from fiction, to tell the real things and the real signs from the self imagined ones. It's self defeating and often a self fulfilling prophecy.

All it ultimately accomplishes is souring the good times while they exist. It's a terrible way to choose to live when you think about it really. And it is a choice.

DeclanJWhite

No no, you're not rambling :-) you're gathering conviction and force the more you speak, and are less questioning of yourself, which is all to the good, but speaking to someone is better than trying to contain such a worthwhile flood of self in typing.

How do you know you're with the right person?...hmm...with the things you say, maybe it's to speak your most uncertain feelings about the relationship, as you're doing on this forum, and for him to react with concern and curiosity...

But it's meaningless for me to say that as you're in a relationship that has some self-admitted problems. But keep saying all you want here if it makes you feel in any way better. Plenty of posters to read and give their reactions.

I think you'd like him to talk to you more, as you said you had to find out about the kiss, and then he was slow to admit it, and then also how he doesn't talk at home. All that one-way effort at communication must be infuriating. Though I'm not trying to make remarks to stir you up, just to give some impartial acknowledgement to help remove what is too much self-doubt on your part, going by what you've written.

FluffyAngel

Have ye sat down and talked through the " kiss"

it reads like that the kiss has led to deeper mistrust and a bigger question of "is he the one for me"

the lads away days has brought it right to the fore

how about having a chat with a counsellor?

j72twr6f4e5ako

nojjh wrote: »

He feels like home as though when im with him and our children i feel safe.

The line above in your post really stood out to me. If you don't feel safe when he is not around then it is very easy to try and cling on more. The problem is that other people can subconsciously sense this pressure and tend to react by pulling away. If I were you this is what I would look at. You can't change other people but you can change yourself. Try to become less dependent on him for your feeling of safety. If you can start to find confidence within yourself that you can cope whatever happens, then you will feel less anxious and life will become much more fun for both of you. You've got to big yourself up and have an attitude of 'if he ever cheats then it's his loss and I will still have a brilliant life' and start to move out of this fear you are living in which must be so tough.

nojjh

so i took advice to be more independant and pretended that i felt fine while he was away. Then a picture of him with half naked women appeared on fb (think it was a promotional thing. anyway i just let it go but i have this feeling in my gut that something is wrong so I checked his phone (sooooooooooooooooooooo wrong but he has done it to me and I needed to settle my nerves) I came across a strange number (which I rang) It was +353 does that mean she was calling from Ireland? Or an irish phone calling him in England? This may not seem strange to others but all our friends are mutual. at this point i dont know if im losing my partner or my mind

FluffyAngel

hi op

it reads to me that you are flooding yourself with negative thoughts and actions in looking for somthing ..

is there anyway you could talk to sombody?

nobody on the forum can tell you if he is or isnt cheating ,the forum will only explode your thoughts even more

there is a link here for support services ,even talking to a stranger can help you make sense or calm the thoughts

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293

seventeen sheep

nojjh wrote: »

so i took advice to be more independant and pretended that i felt fine while he was away. Then a picture of him with half naked women appeared on fb (think it was a promotional thing. anyway i just let it go but i have this feeling in my gut that something is wrong so I checked his phone (sooooooooooooooooooooo wrong but he has done it to me and I needed to settle my nerves) I came across a strange number (which I rang) It was +353 does that mean she was calling from Ireland? Or an irish phone calling him in England? This may not seem strange to others but all our friends are mutual. at this point i dont know if im losing my partner or my mind

It was very likely one of his mates he was away with, that was calling him if he got separated from the group at some stage. Did someone actually answer the phone when you rang, and if so what did you/they say?

Personally a picture of my partner posing with some promotions girls wouldn't bother me in the slightest. In fairness, if he was up to something and had something to hide, he'd hardly allow photos to be plastered on Facebook. All of the lads he was with (single or not) were probably doing similar.

I don't know why you brought up the fact that he kissed another girl in college several years ago. As you said, you broke up afterwards, you chose to get back with him and move on with your relationship, you believe he has grown up since then. In his position, I have to admit that I'd be a bit annoyed if you were still holding onto your resentment over something like that, if I was of the belief that the relationship had moved on from it. I don't think it's fair to continue to hold it against him - it's like you're using it as justification for your trust issues. If you couldn't trust him afterwards, you should never have gotten back with him. It doesn't seem he's done anything to make you doubt his fidelity since then.

I don't see any problem with him being out drinking all night on a lads holiday - especially when he has kids at home - it's normal for him to take full advantage of the break, knowing that he'll get a sleep-in the next morning and not have to deal with kids along with his hangover! It sounds like an occasional treat rather than something he does on a regular basis. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to organise a fun weekend away with some of your friends - I'm sure you could do with a break too?

It's obvious that there are underlying trust issues in your relationship. Maybe I'm a bit innocent, but I tend to believe the best about people I love. Nothing you've mentioned here seems to me to be a warning sign that he's been in any way unfaithful to you. But, I do think that your relationship would probably benefit from spending time together outside of the day-to-day stuff and outside of minding the kids. Do you have family around that would babysit and let the two of you get out to the cinema or for a meal or for a few drinks on a regular basis?

I think it would also be of benefit for you to spend more time with your own friends - for example, while he was away, wouldn't it have been a nice opportunity for you to invite a friend/friends over for a takeaway and a bottle of wine and a chat, after the kids went to bed? Rather than sitting alone and getting yourself all worked up over what he might be up to. You mentioned he thinks you're clingy - obviously I don't know you - but I'd feel quite suffocated in a relationship where someone was so dependent on me for their happiness. He should be able to go away and relax and enjoy his time off, without ringing home to check in on you and reassure you that he's not cheating on you.

Stavro Mueller

A +353 number is an Irish one but you know, what difference does it make? You sound like you have major trust issues and I feel stifled just reading your posts. Maybe you've got good reason to - he did after all break your trust years ago and you never got over it. It's telling that you didn't seem to know whether lads being out drinking until 4am was a normal thing to do. That implies to me that you've kept him on a tight leash since then. Do you work on the basis that if you can keep tabs on his movements, he can't cheat?

Nobody here can say for sure whether he's the sort of person who'll cheat again. Why did you choose to not only get back with him but have children if you don't trust him. And let's face it, you clearly don't. It's coming through loud and clear to me.

nojjh

Thank you all for the kick up the backside that i SORELY needed. My trust issues have little to do with him. I will be taking your advice, you are all completely right. Im not usually like this and we do have separate lives, I dont keep tabs on him usually and hes not on a tight leash. I think at the moment I'M letting everything get on top of me and im finding problems where there are none. Im really not usually like this. Im just glad i was told here how stupid i was being. It really is nice to be able to speak to people

Stavro Mueller

Don't go heaping all the blame on yourself. While your insecurity's an issue, it doesn't look like all's well under your roof. You did type this in your original post and I think this is something the pair of you are going to have to deal with. Why is he barely speaking to you at home? Is he unhappy? Would he rather leave? Does he feel trapped, having a partner and kids at a young age? Has the fun of being part of a couple been lost because you've been so busy being parents?

I'm going through this thing where I love him one minute and the next I hate him. there have been a few things that bothered me lately. He barely speaks at home but he goes out and laughs and jokes with friends. Am I that bad that he can't do that with me?

tinz18

nojjh wrote:

Thanks for all the replies. He makes me feel crazy sometimes like I am clingy but I really don't think I am. Maybe there are trust issues there but i dont think that anyone will ever completely trust anyone else. Maybe its just me. Well he rarely says sorry he usually says that I am wrong and I accept that he doesn't understand my feelings and thinks that I am wrong.

OP this really stood out for me- is this how your fights usually go where you end up taking the blame even when he's in the wrong?
Did he actually apologise for the kiss if so?
I'm just wondering if maybe the trust issues lie in the fact that he always turns the blame onto you. I could be completely wrong but my ex was like that and it made me second guess myself all the time .

As for trusting that someone won't cheat, there's no way to know but life wouldn't be like if you couldn't trust anyone because of it. The only way is to believe that the other person loves and respects you enough not to. And reassure yourself that even the worst happened that you're a strong enough to pick yourself up to move on with your life.