Sister in Law Wedding Invite

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm just looking for advice on a family situation. It's a long one


My OH and I are planning a wedding this year.
The issue we have is with my sister in law (SIL). I met my OH as they both worked together in the same office and became friends. We were introduced on a night out and hit it off and are now planning to get married. 2 years later.

My sister in law is your classic drama queen type and when not the centre of attention tends to throw strops. The slighest of slights is exagerrated and she has constantly stated that my own family (her husbands) has no time for her. This is not the case. We have tolerated her and placated her whenever these strops happened. My brother is in my own opinion under her thumb. She very much wears the pants in their relationship. They are married 3 years.

When I met my OH, I was was working away during the week and coming home at weekends for the first 6 months. At some point, my OH, who is the quiet type felt that my SIL, for whatever reason, decided to fall out with her, not engage with her. She has assured me that she did nothing to trigger this.I have now moved full time so no more long distance stuff.

As they work in the same office, she began to feel excluded from my SIL's clique of friends and has been bullied by her (including name calling, giving her the silent treatment, returning birthday/christmas presents because she wanted something else etc).

Whenever people in the office mentioned our burgeoning relationship, this was met with temper and accusations along the lines of "If my brother in law really cared about you, he would be working here and respect you" etc. My SIL has also consistently given out about how I no longer have time for her husband/my brother. This was to be expected as I was focused on our relationship etc. The thing is that this was never raised with me directly, it was always brought through my OH by proxy. Things reached melting point when I was mistakenly tagged on a Facebook post by my other brother who was on a weekend night out. I wasn't present.

The following monday my SIL went ballistic at my OH about how she doesn't want her husband left out. My OH had no idea why she was cornered but had had enough at this point and reached out to the HR dept to ask that personal issues not be brought up work. HR made my SIL aware of this but this resulted in further bullying and my SIL thinking that my OH had a vendetta to get her fired. This resulted in FB posts which were tactless digs at my OH. It reached the point where I sat a talked to my brother about it and he essentially towed the party line and mentioned things my OH has done. She has categorically denied these and was shattered to think my brother would believe such things.

You might be thinking at this point that my SIL is a drama queen, but the kicker here is that, she has been telling all and sundry that it has been my OH who has been bullying her! To say that my OH is upset is putting it mildly. She has been telling people (my family and her own) the opposite all along and playing the victim. Such as initiating lies about how her past in the company has a litany of suspensions and arguments with other women. My OH had to get it on record that these were not true and that she has never been in trouble with the company. If anything to clear her name with my own family. She is emotionally wrecked from all of it.

At this point I aggressively (mistakenly) confronted it head on to get their side of the story. This was done through texts and heated phone calls. I received nothing but innuendo and half truths. As in "Your OH told me something shocking about you, but I can't mention it". I was exasperated at all the BS I was hearing. It reached the point where my SIL's parents sent me a 'cease and desist' text message which accused me of bullying and harrassment!

After we got engaged, there was no mention of congratulations from either my SIL or my brother. I met with my brother who said that my OH told his wife that there was no spark in the bedroom between us, that she wasn't all that interested at the beginning and wanted his wife to end it for her, to do the dirty work for her, that I was a tight wad with cash etc. I raised these with my OH. I couldn't keep such things to myself. She denied saying anything about it. I told my brother that I will always make time for him as a brother but I no longer wanted a relationship with his wife. He took this badly. Understandably but I felt finished with her poison.

SHortly after, at work, there were some redundancies and my OH was thankfully kept on. My SIL was let go. On her final day, after lunch, she went door to door and floor to floor and told everybody and anybody that my OH had been bullying her for the past year long. My OH suggested getting a legal letter for slander but ultimately decided not to.

We've now reached the point where invitations will be sent out/getting numbers attending etc. All the fun of planning a wedding. My OH has asked me that she will be extremely uncomfortable with my SIL there. Her family are also aware of everything that has happened and are aghast at the thought of my OH being upset on the day. She has even mentioned foregoing a significant deposit if she has to be there. She is part of the family after all, even though I've made clear that I want nothing to do with her socially. The dilemma here is that I would like to point blank tell my SIL that she is simply not invited. This however, will make my brother not go and this will upset our family. And cause a lifelong rift.

My family, in my opinion, fail to understand the scale of the posion. We placate her at the best of times, but to work with her was another dimension of pain altogether.

Do I simply have to ignore my OH's concerns and rise above it by inviting my SIL (but secretly hoping she doesn't go)? My intuition suggests that she will go and make things awkward out of sheer nosiness. She is certainly not happy that we are marrying.

Or, do I ask my brother a wedding day favour for his brother and assure me that his wife won't be there to cause tension? That she can pull a sickie if necessary. Bear in mind that he has already told me that he must think about going to the wedding himself. His wife has poisoned him against my OH (who he has met a handful of times only). Do I play that card and say "Well we won't be expecting (SIL) so then?" thus absolving us of responsibility and can plan a stress free wedding. Personally, I want to go this route. That he needs to understand that my OH and I will be uncomfortable and anxious with her present on the day. That he needs to explain this to his wife and get her to opt out essentially. Otherwise, I feel that my OH's concerns must be met and officially not invite my SIL thus triggering recriminations further down the line.

Thanks for reading.

Merkin

I've tried to read your post three times now and it is just so convoluted and confusing I have no idea what you're talking about. Could you maybe summarise? It's very hard to read, sorry.

HelgaWard

Absolute nightmare situation, seems like ye have had 'he said, she said' schoolyard bullsh1t going on for years by all of ye pretty much. Why one of you wouldn't have got everyone in one room to sort this out early days is beyond me. I don't know if you can resolve this at this stage to full reconciliation, but really that should be your objective. Would a session with a professional mediator help? Maybe if both 'sides' got to hear the other 'sides' account of what happened it might help ye resolve this. Sounds like ye have absolutely failed to communicate with each other to this point, that's why I suggest a professional mediator.
How did you get on with your sister in law before you met your OH?
Best of luck, hope you can get this sorted and have an enjoyable peaceful wedding day.

Merkin

Merkin wrote: »

I've tried to read your post three times now and it is just so convoluted and confusing I have no idea what you're talking about. Could you maybe summarise? It's very hard to read, sorry.

OP'S SIL used to work with OP's fiancee. SIL bullied her and spread a lot of rumours both at work and among the family about her. Brother, SIL's husband, is taking SIL's side and has no interest in resolving the issue. OP is now wondering whether to invite SIL to OP's wedding given the history and likelihood of disruption, and whether the fall out of not inviting her would be worth it (since his brother then wouldn't come) or can he ask his brother to come alone.

seventeen sheep

"I told my brother that I will always make time for him as a brother but I no longer wanted a relationship with his wife."

So invite your brother. Not his wife.

Why invite a guest to share in the happiest day of your life (supposedly) if neither of you want her there.

It's up to your brother whether he wants to come.

Buona Fortuna

bluewolf wrote: »

OP'S SIL used to work with OP's fiancee. SIL bullied her and spread a lot of rumours both at work and among the family about her. Brother, SIL's husband, is taking SIL's side and has no interest in resolving the issue. OP is now wondering whether to invite SIL to OP's wedding given the history and likelihood of disruption, and whether the fall out of not inviting her would be worth it (since his brother then wouldn't come) or can he ask his brother to come alone.

Thank's BW. So this is OH's SIL too?

If yes what does he feel about the whole shabang?

If no, don't invite her.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, here. Sorry for the confusion. Head is all over the place when writing.
The background is crucial as it gives some sort of context.

Essentially it's reached the point where it's like game theory

Invite Brother but not SIL = Brother won't go. Family upset.
Invite both Brother and SIL = Wife and Family upset.
Invite both Brother and SIL, but say she's unwelcome = Both go and cause tension.
Ask Brother to tell SIL not to go for his Brother's sake = Ideal situation

kylith

I'm afraid I can't offer anything other than sympathy OP. I too have a SIL who is a drama queen and who we put up with on sufferance for love of my brother.

Surely since your family know what she's like they would understand your fiancée not wanting her at the wedding even if all they know is that the two of them had a dispute in work.

HalloweenJack

From what I can see, you've three possibilities but I don't see any way you can go about the invite without causing more drama.

1. Invite your brother and SIL - there'll be drama.

2. Invite only your brother and explain why you don't invite the SIL - drama within your family.

3. Don't invite either of them - drama within your family.

If it were me, I'd go with the third option. If your family are going to get snotty about it, that's their problem. I think you need to be clear and firm and show that you will not let the SIL get away with treating your OH like this. From what you've written, the SIL is the root of all this nonsense that's going on.

Most importantly, this is the day for you and your OH. It's simply not fair on your OH that she has to put up with that crap on her special day just because of keeping up the pretense of family, which it is at this stage as the behaviour of your SIL and consequently your brother is not family-like.

2 or 3 are the most realistic options but unfortunately I don't see how this isn't going to end up with some drama happening within your family, which is probably exactly what the SIL wants. I think the most important thing is that the SIL is not there at the wedding. It really isn't fair to put your OH through that. Family is not a good enough excuse for that kind of behaviour.

LegacyUser

HelgaWard wrote: »

Absolute nightmare situation, seems like ye have had 'he said, she said' schoolyard bullsh1t going on for years by all of ye pretty much. Why one of you wouldn't have got everyone in one room to sort this out early days is beyond me. I don't know if you can resolve this at this stage to full reconciliation, but really that should be your objective. Would a session with a professional mediator help? Maybe if both 'sides' got to hear the other 'sides' account of what happened it might help ye resolve this. Sounds like ye have absolutely failed to communicate with each other to this point, that's why I suggest a professional mediator.
How did you get on with your sister in law before you met your OH?
Best of luck, hope you can get this sorted and have an enjoyable peaceful wedding day.

I tried to keep out of it in the beginning. Passed it off as a tiff between them at work. But when the character assasination was underway, I intervened. Badly. It made things a lot worse to be honest. I'm a heart on my sleeve type.

We got along as well as we could. She's the classic attention seeker. The moment she isn't, slights from the past are re-aired, tears flowing, and she's centre of attention again trying to placate her. To put some context, we are all early 30's. It took meeting my OH and witnessing what's gone on ever since to understand her truly poisonous character. IMO she thinks that now she's married into the family she believes she's untouchable and has her heart set on splitting us up ever since we became a serious couple. (i.e. beyond the dating etc).

To be honest I'd say to the brother you want him there but since your OHs don't get on it's best for both if she doesn't go, and go from there. Paint it in that light. Maybe have a word with your parents to forewarn them as well before sil gets her claws in

There'll still be drama and fall out but i think the most important thing is that she doesn't attend

LegacyUser

HalloweenJack wrote: »

From what I can see, you've three possibilities but I don't see any way you can go about the invite without causing more drama.

1. Invite your brother and SIL - there'll be drama.

2. Invite only your brother and explain why you don't invite the SIL - drama within your family.

3. Don't invite either of them - drama within your family.

If it were me, I'd go with the third option. If your family are going to get snotty about it, that's their problem. I think you need to be clear and firm and show that you will not let the SIL get away with treating your OH like this. From what you've written, the SIL is the root of all this nonsense that's going on.

Most importantly, this is the day for you and your OH. It's simply not fair on your OH that she has to put up with that crap on her special day just because of keeping up the pretense of family, which it is at this stage as the behaviour of your SIL and consequently your brother is not family-like.

2 or 3 are the most realistic options but unfortunately I don't see how this isn't going to end up with some drama happening within your family, which is probably exactly what the SIL wants. I think the most important thing is that the SIL is not there at the wedding. It really isn't fair to put your OH through that. Family is not a good enough excuse for that kind of behaviour.

Thanks for the advice. The part about my SIL thriving on the drama certainly rings true.
I guess I want to put the ball in my brother's court and have him make the call. I'd like to think he'll see how put out we would be by having her there. Just the thought of having her in the church/reception room glaring at my OH is upsetting enough for her. He needs to understand that and ask that the best thing to do would be that she tells me she won't be going. Win/Win. Or else I'll have to tell him she won't be getting and suffer the consequences, stand my ground.

jimmycrackcorm

Invite your BIL, make it clear that your SIL is not invited simply because of the upset she has caused. Make it clear that he is expected to come regardless of his wifes opinion. He is your blood relation whereas they could split up down the line but you'll always be his brother.

Do say that if she wants to acknowledge her actions and apologize then she will be welcome. If he chooses to side with her and not come then let your family know why, its his and hers decision then.

Shrap

concernedforfuturewife wrote: »

Invite Brother but not SIL = Brother won't go. Family upset.
Invite both Brother and SIL = Wife and Family upset.
Invite both Brother and SIL, but say she's unwelcome = Both go and cause tension.

Oh dear, oh dear. I know this may be a bit infeasible OP, but I'd go with option no.4.
Don't invite anybody = Elope

I've read lots and lots of similar wedding invite dramas and one thing that comes up consistently is this ... your "family" now is you and your wife-to-be. Your current "family" will still be your family but your new family takes priority in this instance.

Make sure you both have a wonderful day by reaching out to your brother while making it clear that your sister-in-law is not welcome.

You will just have to deal with any back lash from your family but, compared to the drama up to now, it won't be anywhere near as painful as dealing with your sister-in-law directly.

Big Bag of Chips

Any chance of sitting down with your brother man-to-man, and having a face to face chat? I'd be assuming his wife would have zero interest in sharing in your day after all the things your OH has allegedly done to her!

Family don't usually get sent invitations anyway, so you can avoid the invitation part and just go straight to "I understand because of the history between them that SIL will have no interest in coming to the wedding, but I hope that doesn't stop you from coming".

For what it's worth, I'm sure most people know the score, and know what your sil is really like. Very few people will actually take notice of her drama and rantings.

LegacyUser

Don't invite either of them, I can't believe you even need to think about it. Bullying is horrible and destroys peoples confidence. Weddings are stressful enough without bringing more drama into the equation. If you don't invite your brother and SIL it will cause drama within your family, if you do your wife to be is not going to enjoy the day either. So you are damned if you do and damned if you don't!
Maybe you guys should elope and then come back and have a party!

Meathlass

For the sake of your future lives (another 50 years living near each other and going to family events) and your future children who will be cousins you need to sort this out.

The 4 of you need to get in a room and resolve this. Stop with all the texts (OP you seem to be the main instigator in ratcheting up the tension by wading in). Re-reading your post none of you are blameless in this.

if your fiancée is still working with your SIL can she change jobs - sounds like a toxic work environment if HR had to get involved.

It's quite obvious from your text that you despise your SIL so I'm not surprised that your brother is torn. You need to reach a peace and then be the bigger person - stop reacting to everything your SIL does, she's only looking for attention, just ignore her.

I would treat them like any other family guest at your wedding. Invite them, involve them in the preparations (particularly your brother) etc. Realistically on the day what can your SIL do bar make snide comments which you probably won't even hear

LegacyUser

Shrap wrote: »

Oh dear, oh dear. I know this may be a bit infeasible OP, but I'd go with option no.4.
Don't invite anybody = Elope

Thanks.
The thought has crossed our mind. But she's the only daughter in the family and they're excited about having a day out.

It's reached the point as mentioned that my fiancee is willing to lose the reception deposit if she is told that the SIL must be there.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

To be honest I'd say to the brother you want him there but since your OHs don't get on it's best for both if she doesn't go, and go from there. Paint it in that light. Maybe have a word with your parents to forewarn them as well before sil gets her claws in

There'll still be drama and fall out but i think the most important thing is that she doesn't attend

Excellent advice. This will be the approach I feel.

LynnGrace

There's not going to be any solution that keeps all sides happy. I think you have to put your wife to be and your own feelings ahead of anyone else's. I'd agree with chatting to your brother. I can see that leaves him in an awkward position, so if he decides he cannot attend, unless his wife is also invited, so be it.

Hope you can sort it, with minimal fall out.

LegacyUser

Meathlass wrote: »

For the sake of your future lives (another 50 years living near each other and going to family events) and your future children who will be cousins you need to sort this out.

The 4 of you need to get in a room and resolve this. Stop with all the texts (OP you seem to be the main instigator in ratcheting up the tension by wading in). Re-reading your post none of you are blameless in this.

if your fiancée is still working with your SIL can she change jobs - sounds like a toxic work environment if HR had to get involved.

It's quite obvious from your text that you despise your SIL so I'm not surprised that your brother is torn. You need to reach a peace and then be the bigger person - stop reacting to everything your SIL does, she's only looking for attention, just ignore her.

I would treat them like any other family guest at your wedding. Invite them, involve them in the preparations (particularly your brother) etc. Realistically on the day what can your SIL do bar make snide comments which you probably won't even hear

I know I'm not blameless in the situation. All interactions have been civil from my side. I was trying to mediate and get the other side of the story so to speak. I stayed out of it for the best part of a year but ultimately felt it was better to say something than say nothing. There was never any ill will towards my SIL. The frustrating part is that myself and my OH don't know where it all stems from. When they first met they were inseperable (before we were introduced).

I've sat down and talked candidly with my brother on two occasions. He has basically told me that whatever she tells him he will believe it. Not a healthy relationship. That's the kind of brick wall we're dealing with. He is under the impression that it is my OH who is the instigator and the bully. (which is why he told me he will have to think about going). He has met her perhaps 4 times. He is only trying to protect his wife etc etc. Anything I've said has fallen on deaf ears.

Dog of Tears

Look, it's obvious that your SIL and your OH don't like each other and she shouldn't be invited to the wedding - but it's also obvious that there's we, and possibly you, are getting only getting one side of the story.
It was completely ridiculous for your OH to go running to HR and report your SIL to them when a quiet word may have done the trick.

It sounds like there's two of them in it.

LegacyUser

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Look, it's obvious that your SIL and your OH don't like each other and she shouldn't be invited to the wedding - but it's also obvious that there's we, and possibly you, are getting only getting one side of the story.
It was completely ridiculous for your OH to go running to HR and report your SIL to them when a quiet word may have done the trick.

It sounds like there's two of them in it.

True. Of course it has crossed my mind but I have spoken with other people who work there and they have confirmed a lot of the behaviour, have no time for SIL etc. It is consistent with SIL's past behaviour.

The HR thing was a last resort. My SIL had a problem with our being out on a night out without inviting them. We weren't there at all. This was brought to my OH at work. Clearly not a work issue. My OH said she offered to talk about things outside of work but was rebuffed. Any problem my SIL had with social stuff should have been raised with me but she decided to bring it into the job. Hence the word with HR. This was twisted into "My job is on the line", "She's trying to get me sacked" i.e. Drama.

To illustrate;
My parents went to visit my brother and SIL around this time.
SIL said that my OH had a history of problems with people at the job (she's been there a year longer than SIL). That she's been on suspension for arguing with others at work.
I can only imagine that this was meant to sully my OH's reputation in my parents eyes.
In fairness to my father, he challenged her here.

He said he would ask me if I knew about all this. When he told me I immediately asked my OH if this was true. I didn't know anything about it and was concerned.

Long story short; She had to go to HR and have a statement drawn up and witnessed that this wasn't true. My family have seen this. This is the kind of poison we're dealing with.

For me this was the smoking gun. She was caught in a lie about my OH. There's no reconcilliation here because this is boy who cried wolf territory i.e. I can't believe a word she says anymore.

Starokan

There is no way your fiancee will countenance the attendance of your sister in law and based on all you have written I would not blame her in the slightest. So you must exclude her from the invitation. If she was there you can be certain she will cause grief or one of your fiancees family will seek her out to do the exact same.

Meet your brother, explain the situation and ask him to go, more than likely he will not attend and you should not attribute any blame to him on this. He believes his wife and it would be very very hard for him to attend when she is not invited. Most spouses in his shoes would I think miss the event.

Its a classic he says/she says scenario , until she has been caught out doing something similar people simply do not know who to believe. Hopefully your own family will understand the position your in but it could cause you a lot of difficulties as effectively your family are being put into a position of choosing between you and your brother.

To be honest your really in a no win situation. Whatever you decide I would fill in your family straight away to get their take on it, they may well react badly and you know I think you have to understand that too and just deal with whatever fall out there is.

Toots

Regardless of who said what to who, etc, the fact is that your OH has said that she'd be extremely uncomfortable if your SIL attends the wedding. Now, I know you don't want to cause drama with your family, but your priority is that your OH doesn't spend her wedding day worrying that the SIL is going to start causing trouble.

In fairness, you'll be worrying about that, too. It's supposed to be the happiest day of your life (or at least one of them) and you'll want to be able to enjoy the day and not have that in the back of your mind, and constantly be waiting for trouble to start. Even if the SIL appears to be on her best behaviour, that might change if she has a few drinks on her, and the last thing you'd want is her going around and badmouthing your OH to the other guests, or worse, going up and ripping in to your new wife!

First thing I'd advise you to do is to have a chat with your family, and let them know the lay of the land, and ask that they support you if necessary. They may not be delighted about the idea, but make it clear to them that you regret the situation, but unfortunately there's no alternative - the SIL can't go.

Now on to telling your brother. It'd be lousy to do it by text (also the tone of a text message can be taken the wrong way, and could cause further upset), the best bet is meeting in person, however if things aren't great between you and your brother and he refuses to meet with you, then you'll have to do it by phone. You need to be diplomatic about this, going in with all guns blazing and saying the wife is a wagon and it's all her fault obviously isn't going to work, and will probably cause a huge rift. By the same token, you don't want to go too softly-softly in case it all backfires and the SIL ends up coming because your brother won't tell her not to. Be firm, but don't lay blame on either your wife or the SIL.

I think your best bet would be to say that seeing as since there has been a falling out between your finacée and your SIL, that it would not be appropriate for her to attend the wedding. Be prepared for your brother to get thick about it, but if he starts getting angry, don't rise to it. The worst thing you could do is let it escalate into a massive row because if you both loose the head you could say things you'll regret later on. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we've made our decision." He may (probably will) say that if his wife isn't going then he won't either. You're already expecting that, so just tell him you understand, but that if he changes his mind, you'd still be honoured to have him there.

Then leave it at that, there's nothing more you can do. Don't take any calls from the SIL, and ignore any angry texts. I think you know deep down that this probably going to cause a bit of a row, but you need to put your OH's feelings first. It would be horrendously unfair, given the history between her and your SIL, to expect her to put up with having the SIL at the wedding.

Big Bag of Chips

They were thick as thieves before you met your OH. But then you met her. She became your gf, your fiance, and suddenly she was on your SIL's turf where your family are concerned. Sounds like she felt threatened by the arrival of a new girl into the family. There is every chance she'd be like this whoever the new daughter-in-law was, it's just unfortunate that they knew each other and worked together prior to your OH also joining the family. So she had plenty of opportunity to sully your OH's name. If it was someone she had never met or had no real interaction with she couldn't make up as many lies about her.

As others have mentioned - at the end of the day this is YOUR wedding day. This is the day you and your wife will remember for the rest of your lives together. So do you want to compromise that one day to keep your SIL in happy? (someone who you will never please no matter what you do) Or do you stick to your guns and have the enjoyable day you want for yourselves. Either way someone is going to be pissed off. Don't invite your SIL your family may (or may not) be pissed off. Invite the SIL and you and your fiancee will be pissed off.

All depends on who you value more, to be honest!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice. Much appreciated.

I will let my brother (in person) know that given that they both don't get on, then it's not appropriate that SIL should attend.

That I would love to have him as groomsman, that if he feels uncomfortable going, then we both understand but the invitation will be open nevertheless.

Then keep on point as Toots mentions.

Neyite

Beware that SIL will see this as a perfect opportunity to milk this for all the drama and victim-hood that she can muster. If she did go, I'd worry that she would cause a horrible scene, or do something to sabotage your day on you.

The resistance you'll likely get from your family will likely be because 'people' will notice that she is not there. In your case, my argument to those family members that 'people' will be fine with being told that she came down with a vomiting bug the day before. But that 'people' will certainly notice more if the rest of the family chooses to stand in solidarity to SIL and not go too. And that it is their choice. She will not be invited, end of story. Brother is welcome, but you will understand if he chooses not to attend, parents and other siblings are welcome to choose sides. Your wife to be and you deserve to only have people who care about you and want to celebrate your happiness.

I'd have suggested eloping too, but having said that, why should a couple have to forfeit having a day surrounded by their family and friends because of the toxicity of one person. So have your wedding. But don't let a single member of YOUR family away with giving out to your wife about this invite issue. Its a joint decision and one you agreed with fully.

Ethel

Not a hope in hell would I allow her to be there. If the idea behind it is to 'keep the peace', well there wasn't any before the wedding and there certainly wouldn't be any at your wedding if she has her way. Its supposed to be your wedding day, and you're supposed to be happy and enjoying the moment.

I was in the same situation some years back. She was the brothers girlfriend (now wife) and I didn't want the poisonous cow anywhere near me. Admittedly it caused a little upset at the time with people asking me to rise above it and to let her go, but she caused so much harm and anxiety for me in the past I just couldn't pretend to be okay with her being there. Its fine and well for those saying 'try look past it', but when its you that was a target its not easy to do. I felt sick at the notion of her being there.

It makes no sense to me if in everyday life you keep the likes of this away from you, why would you want them there at a time that is so important and special to you? They'd probably have nothing but nasty things to say about you and the day afterwards, because that is the sort they are.

You've said your piece to your brother. Let him know he's invited but tell him there would be too much upset if SIL came along. If he's there lovely, if not, the show must go on without. I wish you both well in the future.

Taltos

concernedaboutfuturewife wrote: »

... then we both understand but the invitation will be open nevertheless.

OP - be careful here.
Do you mean Open to just him or two them both?
You need to be crystal clear that she is not welcome, otherwise she will come to spite your fiance.

Talk to your parents first though, let them know what you have both decided and that your only concern right now is that your fiance has a great day - nothing more, nothing less.
It's not open for discussion but you are making this call, no one is pressuring you and no one has suggested it...

BreadnBuddha

Just invite them both and be done with it. Sit down with your brother and make sure the two of you are good. Tell him you don't give a hoot about what's gone on between any of them in the past and that it's up to the pair of ye to keep a lid on things in future.

Your bride to be will be YOUR family, his wife is HIS family, and the only tie between any of ye is you and your brother. That's the only place there needs to be anything to do with each other in future except social politeness.

There's another big thing about it, which anyone who's already been through the excitement of a wedding day will tell you. The SIL won't be making their vows, won't be in the bridal party, won't be at the top table, you'll have your photographs together, in a group, the meal, speeches, all your guests to acknowledge and greet during the reception, first dance, more dances, then off out of there at the end of the night.

Believe me, one drama queen trying to attention whore or stir up sheite won't be noticed by either of you if you limit it to a simple 'Hi there, thanks for coming' type deal.

Don't gear up for war. It won't come to it. Even a tactless bitch like your SIL will know that on the day, there's SFA she can do to interfere in anything or ruin the day. The only thing that'll ruin it is you falling out with your brother or letting your future missus hype everything up in your head.

For future reference, heated phonecalls and ANY text messages are the way teenagers and socially inept drunkards and gob****es communicate when there's a problem. You don't need to deal with her in future, nor will your wife. Keep open lines of communication with your brother and don't let either of the women's differences get in the way. Neither of you need to take sides against the ladies if neither of you mix yourselves up in their bitchiness. And do yourself a favour, wise up for a minute and realise that while she might well be the woman of your dreams, she ain't perfect. Get your head straight and get back to just letting the drama between two women be between them. Distance yourself from that side of things, as it's NEVER as cut and dried as it seems. Let all that crap go and get on with enjoying your wedding plans and your future together, without any more than the necessary interaction with the SIL when it can't be avoided, which to my mind means major family events, and nothing more.

Finally, ask your brother to be your groomsman if you want. Don't let the SIL get in the way of giving your brother the great honor of standing by your side on what should, can and hopefully if you deal with this right, will be a great day.

Good luck.

Rubberchikken

Rise above her crap.
Invite both and just ignore her pathetic behaviour, which it is when you look at it closely. Whatever about a 6, 8 even 12 yo behaving in this way, but for an adult to behave like you say your sil does, is sad.

Noone is going to fix this womans problems. She sounds insecure and best dealt with by standing up to her bullying and ignore her dramas.

Calhoun

Hard situation to be in, its easy to tell the op to distance himself from it ect but it sounds like the OP's partner really was bullied.

Imagine being in that position and then having to put up and shut up on a very important day in your life and not only that but your supposed partner was now ignoring it.

You don't want to be like your brother being a puppet but you also need to show some backbone and support to your future wife. It really comes down to do you believe and trust what your other half is telling you.

If so then i think you both need to agree on how you want to handle this be it invite them or not invite them.

LegacyUser

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Believe me, one drama queen trying to attention whore or stir up sheite won't be noticed by either of you if you limit it to a simple 'Hi there, thanks for coming' type deal.

Don't gear up for war. It won't come to it. Even a tactless bitch like your SIL will know that on the day, there's SFA she can do to interfere in anything or ruin the day.

that is 100% not true,

had a scarily similar situation with my in-laws (i came here to rant about it) and took the above advice,

we rose above all the **** she caused (including spread pretty terrible lies about my daughter and I) and invited her, thinking "what can she do" and out of not wanting to be the ones causing trouble. well she turned up in the top off her wedding dress and a white skirt designed to look like a wedding dress. Now to be fair on the day i just didn't care, but it was noticed by family and staff of the hotel (and talked about behind her back by my inlaws afterwards)

My advice would be to tell your wife to keep being herself, keep doing what she would always do and eventually they will see your SIL for what she is while seeing your wife for who she is. in my case i still get apologies from my husbands family about all the things she said that they believed and we can joke about it all now, but i am not going to lie it was so tough when they were blaming me for the problems she caused. my husband and i just stuck together and kept being the best kind of people we could be although we did slip to her level once or twice but in general we didn't and came out the better because of that.

tinkerbell

This is one of those PIs which is a complete no brainer. That stupid cow should not be invited, end of. OP, I cannot believe you even considered having her there just to keep the peace. Feck that!! The wedding is about you and your fiancée. The happiness of the two of you trumps everything else. The notion of inviting a guest who has been making your life hell just because she's "family" makes my blood boil. Hell to the no.

Go meet your brother. Tell him that you would be honoured if he'd be your groomsman but that you are done with SIL and she is not invited to the wedding as you want nothing to do with her anymore. Tell him he's welcome and you'd love him there but if he feels he cannot come without his wife then you understand but the decision is final.

Tell your parents that the evil cow is not invited and the subject is not up for discussion. If people ask why she wasn't there, I'd just tell them the truth - why cover up for her? She's mean toxic nasty cow who bullied your fiancée so you didn't want her there trying to ruin your big day.

Life's too short to waste it pandering to idiots. Take control of the situation and cut her out.

BreadnBuddha

Dumb advice.

You don't ask a married man to choose between his brother and his wife.

Any real man will choose his wife.

Paddy Cow

If you don't invite the SIL she will use it to cause trouble for years. If it was me, I'd invite them both, then it's up to her if she comes or not. I doubt she will cause drama at the wedding. Bullies of her caliber are generally cowards and she only got away with bullying your wife at work because she had all the time in the world to work on everyone in the office. It will be a different kettle of fish the day of the wedding when she is surrounded by the bride's allies who won't entertain any of her sh!t.

Ann84

Your only going to get married once (all going to plan!)
Your wedding is a celebration of your love and as you said, you SIL isn't happy about you getting married so has nothing to celebrate and shouldn't be there ruining your day with her negativity.

I suggest you meet your brother for a quiet chat and explain that due to all the conflict (not blaming anyone, just the way it is!) you feel that it would be better his wife not attend as it will cause tension on a really big day in your life.
Explain that as his brother, you would love him to be there but the situation seems out of both your control and you understand that he though you would love him to be there, that you'll understand if he can't go without his wife. Ask him to celebrate with you on the stag, maybe ask him to help organise it or something maybe?
And tell him you hope that now that the ladies are no longer working together, hopefully things may settle down in time and you hope someday this will be water under the bridge.

If he can't appreciate that then fine, but you have tried to be reasonable if anyone asks...
And under no circumstances should your SIL be at the wedding, doesn't matter who said what, your wife to be and her have had a very bad time and it would be inappropriate to have her there on the day.
Go enjoy yourselves!

Slutmonkey57b

Don't invite her. It's your wedding. She's a liar and you've got proof. Hand it out if anyone gives you grief over it.

If anyone tells you that you "have" to do it for the family, tell them they "have" to look after her all day.

jimd2

tinkerbell wrote: »

This is one of those PIs which is a complete no brainer. That stupid cow should not be invited, end of. OP, I cannot believe you even considered having her there just to keep the peace. Feck that!! The wedding is about you and your fiancée. The happiness of the two of you trumps everything else. The notion of inviting a guest who has been making your life hell just because she's "family" makes my blood boil. Hell to the no.

Go meet your brother. Tell him that you would be honoured if he'd be your groomsman but that you are done with SIL and she is not invited to the wedding as you want nothing to do with her anymore. Tell him he's welcome and you'd love him there but if he feels he cannot come without his wife then you understand but the decision is final.

Tell your parents that the evil cow is not invited and the subject is not up for discussion. If people ask why she wasn't there, I'd just tell them the truth - why cover up for her? She's mean toxic nasty cow who bullied your fiancée so you didn't want her there trying to ruin your big day.

Life's too short to waste it pandering to idiots. Take control of the situation and cut her out.

I agree with the intent here but they should be more tactical with the language.

Ask to meet the brother, invite him and actually hand him HIS invitation and say that it is with great regret that you are unable to invite the SIL. Tell him that ye really want him to come but will understand if h feels he cannot come. Give him plenty of time to decide.

Then put it out of you and your partner's minds and get on with the rest of the plans for your big day in the knowledge that you have done your best to deal with an almost impossible situation.

ElleEm

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Dumb advice.

You don't ask a married man to choose between his brother and his wife.

Any real man will choose his wife.

And a "real man" will respect the fact that his soon- to- be wife has been caused a lot of stress and hardship at the hands of this woman, and she doesn't want her at HER wedding day.

OP, as others suggested, invite your brother, tell him why his wife isn't invited and leave the ball in his court. I can't even believe that you are thinking of having this woman there on your wedding day!

It should be the happiest day of your and your fiance's life- all negativity should be avoided.

LegacyUser

From past experience I suggest 'kill em with kindness'

Post the invite to them both
When you see them, especially when other family members are around be super nice.
What can she say 'she's being too nice'?
I understand you are focusing on your wedding day but a wedding is just that ...one day. A marriage is forever.
And it's a long life for you, your brother and the rest of your family.
Get out of the gutter you've been dragged down to. The more rational and nice you are the more her crazy will shine through.

Be as sweet as honey and she'll do all the damage to herself.
I know your marriage is just that, your marriage, but you don't want the arguing to affect your parents,
just give themselves enough rope to hang themselves.
But first you have to close yourselves off to the effect she has on ye.

The only power she has is the power ye have given her!

Let it all go ...rewrire yourselves not to care...and she'll do all the damage to herself.

Look at the above post where the poster invited the crazy to the wedding and she turned up in her wedding dress lol
Did it bother the bride or ruin her day, no.
Did it leave anyone in any doubt to exactly what type of person she is?
But if you leave her out it will reinforce what she's been saying about you.
Play the long game and teach yourselves to take the higher ground, show concern, smile, as ye will come off looking a lot better than she will.
And above all stop caring! Take away the power that has been handed to her.

Flippyfloppy

No!!! You don't want negativity on your wedding day! On this occasion both brothers will probably choose their wives...invite your brother but he probably won't come. Well & good.

retro:electro

I wouldn't invite either of them op, simply for the fact that if he attends you cannot be 100% sure that she won't tag along with him to stir up drama. Knowing she wasn't asked could get her back up and provoke an unhinged reaction once again. She doesn't sound like she's in her right mind by the way she went about slagging off your fiancé on the day she was let go from work, that's just mad behaviour!
Just take him aside and say I hope you understand but on this day I just can't have ye there. If he's decent he will understand.

deisemum

No way should the SIL be invited to the wedding. It's a very important day for your bride to be and yourself and you don't want the worry of your SIL doing something. She has to realise that her malicious treatment of your fiancee will have consequences.

Often standing up to bullies like the SIL instead of pandering to their behaviour by going along and putting on a fake show of happy families can be more productive for peace of mind.

ManOfMystery

I wouldn't invite her.

Let's be honest - she's a bitch. And you absolutely cannot underestimate what a bitch will do to make the happiest day of your life memorable for all the wrong reasons.

There's been some replies on here saying they doubt she would 'do anything' on your wedding day - I find these naive. We invited my wife's auntie to our wedding against our better judgement (she's toxic to both friends and family - long, long backstory and history littered with her insulting people and riling them up - but we gave her the benefit of the doubt). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and to this day we regret it, after she caused a scene with my bride in the hotel foyer just before the meal. Luckily some family members intervened and removed her from the situation, or my wife may seriously have ended up in a physical fight on her wedding day.

It's not worth the risk.

neris

Your SIL sounds like the kind of person who if you ask your brother not to bring her will turn up to spite you and your wife. You need to make it clear shes not invited and you dont want her there. Your parents might get upset but you need to be firm with them and make it clear its a day for you and your wife and that your not willing to play happy families for the day. I know its harsh but sometimes you just need to cut friends/family out of your lives and move on

tinkerbell

1345789 wrote: »

From past experience I suggest 'kill em with kindness'

Post the invite to them both
When you see them, especially when other family members are around be super nice.
What can she say 'she's being too nice'?
I understand you are focusing on your wedding day but a wedding is just that ...one day. A marriage is forever.

No, I completely disagree. Killing her with kindness is also known as being a doormat in this situation. Some situations call for being all sweetie pie but in this case, no way. It's just allowing that rotten horrible SIL do whatever she likes with no consequences.

And yes, theoretically a wedding is "one day" but typically you only have ONE wedding day and why the heck should the OP and his fiancée sacrifice their one wedding day for this bitch? I don't think so. Why should they start off their married life where there is someone "celebrating" with them who absolutely hates the bride? I don't understand this mentality of just putting up with asshole behaviour just "because they are family". No, an asshole is still an asshole and if you behave like one then expect to get treated like one.

And to add on the "it's just one day, put up with it for one day" well if that's the case, then the OP's brother / SIL shouldn't be that bothered that they are missing "just one day", if all it is is "one day".

Oryx

tinkerbell wrote: »

No, I completely disagree. Killing her with kindness is also known as being a doormat in this situation. Some situations call for being all sweetie pie but in this case, no way. It's just allowing that rotten horrible SIL do whatever she likes with no consequences.

At what cost? A family rift? The SIL will find something to complain about anyway, this adds fuel to her fire. If it was me, I would keep my enemy close, invite her, and let everyone see her for what she is. It is also the kindest thing to do for her husband who is caught between a rock and a hard place.

And yes, theoretically a wedding is "one day" but typically you only have ONE wedding day and why the heck should the OP and his fiancée sacrifice their one wedding day for this bitch? I don't think so. Why should they start off their married life where there is someone "celebrating" with them who absolutely hates the bride? I don't understand this mentality of just putting up with asshole behaviour just "because they are family". No, an asshole is still an asshole and if you behave like one then expect to get treated like one.

When it comes to family, sometimes you just have to play nice with people you hate, because you will come up against them again and again and it just isnt worth it. She wont spoil the day, even if she tries her best.

tinkerbell

Oryx wrote: »

At what cost? A family rift? The SIL will find something to complain about anyway, this adds fuel to her fire. If it was me, I would keep my enemy close, invite her, and let everyone see her for what she is. It is also the kindest thing to do for her husband who is caught between a rock and a hard place.


When it comes to family, sometimes you just have to play nice with people you hate, because you will come up against them again and again and it just isnt worth it. She wont spoil the day, even if she tries her best.

The person to blame for causing a family rift is the SIL. You reap what you sow. Family or not, if you behave like that then I wouldn't put up with it personally. Life's too short to be stressing and pandering to people like the SIL. If people start complaining and trying to blame the OP for causing a family rift, then they are the ones with the problem as they are essentially blaming the OP and his fiancée for the actions of the SIL.

It is completely unfair and ridiculous to expect the OP and his fiancée to invite that horrible woman to their wedding day just because she's family. And she will prob try to spoil the day. At the very least it'll put a bad feeling on the day - the bride will know there is someone in attendance who made her life hell. There comes a time when enough is enough and being family doesn't give you a free pass.