How to help partner who has had cancer scare

LegacyUser

Hi
My partner had to go to hospital last week for an examination. When she got there she was sent immediately to the cancer clinic for a consultation.
She is now waiting the results of a biopsy. GP is fairly sure it isn't cancer and is something else (let's just say more harmless relative to cancer but still quite serious), however my partner is freaking out. In the cancer clinic the staff were all very concerned. It is very difficult to know if they are taking every precaution, or if the news is actually bad. She is now terrified because of this and we have to wait until next week for the results. She is convinced because the clinic dealt with her so quickly that it must be bad - and is literally terrified that it could be life threatening.

I keep trying to tell her that it isn't necessarily the worst case scenario and that it's possible they could be simply being very thorough. There is a history in her family of this kind of cancer so they could be taking every precaution.

Does anyone know if this kind of quick treatment through cancer clinic is a sign that it is something very serious? She is sure that if it wasn't serious she would be on a waiting list of 12 weeks. But I just don't know how the health service works in that department.

She is just beside herself and I have been trying to comfort her today, keeping her warm so she doesn't have to bother with anything round the house but it's very difficult to do anything to keep her mind off it. We have the return appointment on Wednesday so we have to wait until then..
I saw in another thread there is a helpline where you can talk to a nurse which I might do tomorrow for some advice.
Thanks

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I had a friend in a very similar situation recently, and despite all of the reassurances a person can get, it's natural to run through the worst case scenarios when it comes to someone you care about - both your partner, and you on her behalf.

I wouldn't read too much into the clinic dealing with her relatively quickly - until they get the results of the biopsy back then there's no way that they would have any idea what it might be no more than you or your partner do, so it sounds like your partner is seeing urgency and bad news, where they are just treating the situation professionally, and with the gravitas that it deserves.

As for you, all you can really do is be there for you, be supportive, and help her get through the waiting period for the results. And again, easy for us to say, but please try not to let your minds go into overdrive. And remind her that she's young and otherwise healthy, and that there are there are so many innocuous things it could be, the odds are well and truly stacked in her favour.

LegacyUser

Hi
Thanks - when the GP said she was fairly sure it wasn't cancer I thought that was a good sign. Also what could have happened in the clinic is that my partner was very worried and got even more scared then by worried faces looking back at her..

I tried to tell her that 4 out of 5 biopsies come back clear and I think you're right that the clinic just might not know yet what is the exact situation.

But we'll just have to wait. She is very hard working so it is just anathema for her to be at home taking it easy, doing nothing.

As you said just trying at the moment to remind her of the facts, that's she's young and that there is no need to assume the worst.

December2012

I had a cancer scare. Thankfully, it turned out to be nothing, but I was referred for tests and had biopsies etc.

The last thing that I wanted to be told by well meaning reassuring friends was that it was likely to be nothing. And I told them not to say it. The reason being - my brain was very aware of the potential for cancer, my brain was trying to build up a way to cope with a bad diagnosis, in case it was needed.

Nobody could tell me I was ok, save for the oncologist - that's the only person whose opinion actually matters. What could my Mam or partner say that I would believe?

What I told my husband and family to say was "if it is Cancer, then at least you'll know, you'll start treatment straight away. Treatment is usually successful and it's likely that you will be cured - if you have it".

I did not want to be bs'd into being told to not worry, etc.

But that's just me.

Ask your partner what you can say or do to help them. There might not be a lot in reality you can do. But let them decide, not you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your advice but I am not trying to bullsh1t my partner into thinking that it's nothing, and I don't appreciate the suggestion to be honest.
We are both trying to deal with this at the moment. I was just trying to go through things to show her that it's not necessarily the worst case and ALL negative.

If I start talking about treatment and chemotherapy now it really will have a negative effect. Plus if I ask her what she wants to hear and then say it back to her I'm not so sure she would appreciate it.

pookie82

whattodo2015 wrote: »

Hi
My partner had to go to hospital last week for an examination. When she got there she was sent immediately to the cancer clinic for a consultation.
She is now waiting the results of a biopsy. GP is fairly sure it isn't cancer and is something else (let's just say more harmless relative to cancer but still quite serious), however my partner is freaking out. In the cancer clinic the staff were all very concerned. It is very difficult to know if they are taking every precaution, or if the news is actually bad. She is now terrified because of this and we have to wait until next week for the results. She is convinced because the clinic dealt with her so quickly that it must be bad - and is literally terrified that it could be life threatening.

I keep trying to tell her that it isn't necessarily the worst case scenario and that it's possible they could be simply being very thorough. There is a history in her family of this kind of cancer so they could be taking every precaution.

Does anyone know if this kind of quick treatment through cancer clinic is a sign that it is something very serious? She is sure that if it wasn't serious she would be on a waiting list of 12 weeks. But I just don't know how the health service works in that department.

She is just beside herself and I have been trying to comfort her today, keeping her warm so she doesn't have to bother with anything round the house but it's very difficult to do anything to keep her mind off it. We have the return appointment on Wednesday so we have to wait until then..
I saw in another thread there is a helpline where you can talk to a nurse which I might do tomorrow for some advice.
Thanks

I had a close family member go through this not so long ago and I can honestly say that it is one of the worst week/s of your life ... the waiting is absolute hell, and it gets to a stage where even if the news will be bad, you want it NOW.

In our case, the family member was told by a GP that it was most likely cancer, and was rushed through the various clinics and prioritised. Rather than focus on the fact that this meant "cancer", we all took some amount of comfort in the fact that any suspicion was taken seriously and no one was hanging around. You hear horror stories all the time about misdiagnosis or delayed diagnosis and for that reason, you should try to remain positive that even if something is up, everyone is acting in the quickest manner possible to tackle it.

In our case, it ended up being a full two weeks before the family member got the all clear. Despite all the GP's warnings and the prioritising of tests, it was nothing serious at all (and the GP was very blunt about suspecting cancer, they didn't mince their words). So rushing someone for the relevant tests, and even the warnings of doctors who are concerned, do NOT always mean the worst. It just means they're being proactive and that can only be a good thing.

In our case we didn't soothe over the possibility (it seemed VERY likely that it was cancer given all the clinical signs) ... instead, we pretty much used the two weeks to prep ourselves for what we thought was the inevitable, reassured the person that we would all face whatever it was together, and remained positive around them at all times, while still accepting that we were likely to get a bad diagnosis.

Even if it IS the worst, you still have to remain positive about it being caught early/treatable etc. My experience taught me that you quickly move from shock and horror to practicality and positivity (even if the positivity has to be feigned at first) no matter what the potential outcome and that that's the best way to deal with it.

The person waiting does not want to hear "ah you'll probably be grand". In their head all they can assume is the worst. So my advice would be to use the time to almost "normalise" the worst, if that makes sense. In our case we approached this by having honest conversations like "ok, this is likely to be cancer. We are all here and will face this together. Let's concentrate on getting you well as soon as we know what it is".

Try that angle, and you may find, like us, that you get great news in a week's time. I sympathise though, it truly is a terrible time.

Dutchess

Sorry to read that your partner and you have to go through this, I think it is probably one of the worst situations to be in. I am absolutely awful at waiting and uncertainty and remaining optimistic. Many times have I waited for something (not as serious as this) and it ended up fine.

Maybe look for some relaxation techniques...like burning some lavender oil, deep breathing/meditation, relaxing music...Oh and look up ASMR videos on YouTube. They're a bit odd but seem to help people going through bad stuff...

I don't think there is a reason to read into the treatment at the cancer clinic, if anything, it is a good thing, better than being made to wait. This could have been for any reason. Hospitals are very much in the news about delays at the moment so maybe staff is being told to work quickly when they can...

Good luck and I hope everything turns out to be fine!

Rubberchikken

Sorry to read what your partner's going through.

While you can support and reassure her, until she knows either way i honestly don't think anything anyone says will help.
For the most part, until she knows, it'll be the only thing going through her mind. It's only natural.

Just be there for her and hopefully everything will be fine.

Very best of luck.