approach girl

aidanki

ok, so I don't have much luck with the ladies, in fact I have no luck TBH

so I see a girl I like the look of in a pub/club, and i notice her eyes have glanced in my direction too....so she even might be interested

whats the best way to approach her ?

stateofflux

'Hello, you have an incredible ass'

catallus

GO to the bar and whip out a wad of €50's when you see her going to the bar.

Works every time....

Aidric

If you have sustained eye contact then you are guaranteed that she is interested. After that all you need to do is walk up and strike up a normal conversation. Don't bother with any stupid chat up lines.

aidanki

Aidric wrote: »

If you have sustained eye contact then you are guaranteed that she is interested. After that all you need to do is walk up and strike up a normal conversation. Don't bother with any stupid chat up lines.

hmm....not being smart but whats a good topic for a normal conversation, any tips ?

what woudl u say line by line ?

Iranoutofideas

I generally dance backwards on the dancefloor until my arse bumps off them. They love it.

J Mysterio

Iranoutofideas wrote: »

I generally dance backwards on the dancefloor until my arse bumps off them. They love it.

haha

Stheno

Has the old "hello, can I buy you a drink?" Line died a death?

fits

Iranoutofideas wrote: »

I generally dance backwards on the dancefloor until my arse bumps off them. They love it.

Eh no they dont.
OP just talk about random stuff.
eg. Music is terrible isnt it? Music is awesome - leads into what type of music do you like - you'll know fairly soon then if you'll click or not.

A bit of messing is good too, but only if you're confident about it.

Do not use chat up lines, or anything sleazy.

Wibbs

Stheno wrote: »

Has the old "hello, can I buy you a drink?" Line died a death?

Yes. These days S, the Alpha male rocks up and says "hello, do you want to buy me a drink". Apparently that works. Or not, YMMV :pac:

This stuff really isn't rocket science guys. It really isn't. If you have any social difficulties with talking with women, I'll bet the farm you have similar difficulties talking with men too. And no, I don't mean the small group of similar to yourself men you've grown up with and always hung around with.

Exercise Numero Uno: start talking to people. Engage with people beyond your "comfort zone". Learn how to small talk. If you're one of those who considers small talk a waste of time, I would suggest you reassess that viewpoint. Small talk of various kinds is the basic "glue" in social interactions.

Numero Dos: Women are people too. I know. WTF? :eek: Strange but true. Beyond the facade that's the case. If it isn't then just scrape them off as "Chicks*(tm) and find a person who happens to have internal gonads.

aidanki

aidanki wrote: »

ok, so I don't have much luck with the ladies, in fact I have no luck TBH

so I see a girl I like the look of in a pub/club, and i notice her eyes have glanced in my direction too....so she even might be interested

whats the best way to approach her ?

In the entire OP you failed to mention your goal. Without knowing what your goal is - then the replies above are purely speculation

siblers

Deleted User wrote: »

In the entire OP you failed to mention your goal. Without knowing what your goal is - then the replies above are purely speculation

The hell do you think his goal is? To convince her to be a Jehovah Witness?

honey79

aidanki wrote: »

hmm....not being smart but whats a good topic for a normal conversation, any tips ?

what woudl u say line by line ?

Us Irish love to talk about the weather

Ask her does she have her terminal underwear on

That Id like to see

But it was not on my list

aidanki

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes. These days S, the Alpha male rocks up and says "hello, do you want to buy me a drink". Apparently that works. Or not, YMMV :pac:

This stuff really isn't rocket science guys. It really isn't. If you have any social difficulties with talking with women, I'll bet the farm you have similar difficulties talking with men too. And no, I don't mean the small group of similar to yourself men you've grown up with and always hung around with.

Exercise Numero Uno: start talking to people. Engage with people beyond your "comfort zone". Learn how to small talk. If you're one of those who considers small talk a waste of time, I would suggest you reassess that viewpoint. Small talk of various kinds is the basic "glue" in social interactions.

Numero Dos: Women are people too. I know. WTF? :eek: Strange but true. Beyond the facade that's the case. If it isn't then just scrape them off as "Chicks*(tm) and find a person who happens to have internal gonads.

you have read me like a book tbh, im v poor when it comes to talking to people

and I really want to change

objective would be to simply talk to the girl and see what she is like & maybe get her number

ancapailldorcha

Wibbs wrote: »

This stuff really isn't rocket science guys. It really isn't. If you have any social difficulties with talking with women, I'll bet the farm you have similar difficulties talking with men too. And no, I don't mean the small group of similar to yourself men you've grown up with and always hung around with.

I'm going to disagree with you here. I've never had much trouble having conversations with random people, However, when it comes to actually approaching women, I hit a block.

errlloyd

Couple of different minor tips I picked up which can help.

Firstly, get them to do most of the talking. If you're doing too much talking and they're smiling politely you'll have no idea if theyre interested or not, they might be standing there bored and wondering how to get away. So ask them questions, and if you can ask them questions with decent length answers - it's not an interview, don't follow an answer with a question, make sure you contribute a little. I find topics like travel and work can get decent length anecdotes.

Always phrase questions to their benefit not to yours. There are two ways a girl might think of you in a sexual context once a conversation has stated. She might be thinking "do I like him" or she might be thinking "does he like me". You always want her to be thinking the latter. So if you say "cam I buy you a drink" she immediately thinks "do I like him" the other question has been answered. If you say "do you wanna get a drink" it will seem more like you are just extending your time together.

The rest is just about setting. I guess if the girl is comfortable with you, and sober enough for everything to be morally and legally okay, begin to suggest going places. Different bar, fast food, or invite her over for coffee or something. Her going with you just confirms interest.

Mister Vain

It's always going to be difficult to have a conversation in a noisy bar/club. Consider other avenues. Don't just limit yourself to nights out. And when you do go out, go out to enjoy yourself. If you happen to meet a girl its a bonus.

mikom

errlloyd wrote: »

So if you say "cam I buy you a drink" she immediately thinks "do I like him"

Bit much to ask her to cam for you seeing as ye just met.......

Mister Vain

mikom wrote: »

Bit much to ask her to cam for you seeing as ye just met.......

Not really considering most young wans these days spend an awful lot of time recording themselves on nights out.

siblers

Am I the only person who never offers to buy a girl a drink? If they have zero interest in you, many will say yes just to get a free drink. I'd buy them one down the line alright but i'd never approach a girl asking to buy her a drink

FISMA

aidanki wrote: »

whats the best way to approach her ?

Like you would anyone else...

corkgsxr

If they look at you and are interested it matters little what you say once it's not overly sexual or offensive.

If they look and think meh, your on a uphill battle anyway so again it matters little.

Once you get a decent first response it's just chatting. Keep it simple see where it goes.

Mister Vain

siblers wrote: »

Am I the only person who never offers to buy a girl a drink? If they have zero interest in you, many will say yes just to get a free drink. I'd buy them one down the line alright but i'd never approach a girl asking to buy her a drink

I never do it either. It's like you're paying to be in their company. Plus I've seen too many girls using fellas for free drink and then feck off once they get it.

Chemical Byrne

Drop the paw, lob the gob and horse it into her there. Boss.

Wibbs

Chemical Byrne, less of the below standard posting please.

EDIT wgear06 your post was deleted as again well below par for this forum. No more. Any more along those lines and cards are being handed out. Thank you.

siblers

siblers wrote: »

The hell do you think his goal is? To convince her to be a Jehovah Witness?

To return to this - perhaps you only have one goal with the opposite sex in social situations - but that does not mean there is only one goal out there.

His goal might have been simply to break the ice and see what comes of it.

His goal might be to get a phone number.

His goal might be to get her home to that bed that night for a one night stand.

His goal might have been to approach her to learn more about her - without giving off the sterotypical impression that many have - suggestive from your reply here too - that a man approaching a woman in a bar has only one goal in mind.

aidanki wrote: »

you have read me like a book tbh, im v poor when it comes to talking to people and I really want to change. Objective would be to simply talk to the girl and see what she is like & maybe get her number.

Well the best advices I can give you would start by divesting yourself of the idea there is some formulaic approach that you can apply. Like for example when you asked for a "line by line" example above - as if women are some kind of computer system that if you put in one set of inputs - you always get the same set of outputs - and the trick to meeting women is just to learn the inputs that work.

Formulaic approaches usually fail - instantly - especially when you approach another person with a formula or two in mind and from the outset their initial responses and reactions do not fit the narrative you had prepared. So you end up worse off that before - floundering at the shock - and working out how that narrative can be saved - or the other person put back on track for it.

I was terrible socially myself when I was younger. I got over it - mainly by simply talking to people. Sometimes quite randomly. Even if you do not actively need someone's input on a subject - seek it anyway. To give one of a million examples I could give - if you are considering entering a bar or restaurant and someone who is obviously a patron is standing outside - smoking perhaps - simply ask them what it is like inside - would they recommend it.

When I was young I used to approach the goths around central bank and just hang out - wonderfully welcoming group of people they were too - I made good friends with some of them - a couple of which have lasted to this day - and I got taken to their hang outs (Ah Fibber McGees I have not been to you in years) - and much more. It was simply a case of getting myself out there engaging with people.

And the key - the real key - to knowing what to talk to people about is to _have_ something to talk about. If you are devoid of interesting topics or things that engage YOU to talk about - how will you ever engage another human being and keep them interested? So another approach to approaching people - of either sex not just the one you want to get to "the next level with" - is to start at home. Look at yourself - fill your life with knowledge and pursuits and events that are actively interesting to talk about - and finding things to talk to others about will simply come as a default part of the package.

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I'm going to disagree with you here. I've never had much trouble having conversations with random people, However, when it comes to actually approaching women, I hit a block.

This is likely because you are elevating that social interaction above others in your head - for no reason - and putting undue and unwarranted pressure on yourself. You are - on some basis unknown to me - making this social interaction different to any other. And tripping yourself up in doing so.

The majority of people who do this - and I am not saying you are one of them but just that it could be - are making the "approach" to women one that is fueled with an agenda. So 99% of other social interactions - like your own which are natural to you and you claim you have no issue with - are not agenda driven to the same degree. But suddenly on the approach to women - there is a clear agenda there for sex or relationship or something - that it changes the game. And this is where such people have shot themselves in the foot before they even begin.

This is why chat up lines turn the stomachs of so many people. Formulaic lines that are applied to a person based on what they are - not who they are - that not just mean we are approaching another human being as a means to an agenda - but we are wearing that agenda and attitude about the other person blatantly on our forehead like a flag.

Were our approach to ALL people the same without such agendas - then we find we do not even need to have such agendas - because the romance or sex or both evolve naturally out of the social interactions we started in exactly the same way as all the social interactions that evolved into something else - or nothing at all.

Roquentin

aidanki wrote: »

ok, so I don't have much luck with the ladies, in fact I have no luck TBH

so I see a girl I like the look of in a pub/club, and i notice her eyes have glanced in my direction too....so she even might be interested

whats the best way to approach her ?

dont approach her. just leave the pub and ring up an escort and pay.

ancapailldorcha

Is there a reason that threads like this always attract trolls?

ancapailldorcha

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Is there a reason that threads like this always attract trolls?

Absolutely. The more emotive a topic is for people - the more potential food there is for a troll. So they naturally gravitate towards them. There is little fuel for trolls in a thread asking for differing opinions on the ingredients for a good guacamole dip for example. And while the atheist forum can get quite emotive about their differing opinions on the perfect biscuit - and the cooking forum have strong opinions on whether pineapple should ever see the light of day in the proximity of a pizza - generally people are not so emotionally invested in the subject to be strongly trollable.

Human relationships - love and sex - the disparity and lack of understanding between the sexes - all coupled with the loneliness and other biological drives that compel us to seek human and sexual interaction - are fertile grounds for the self-loather - which is what trolls tend to be - to sow the seeds of the kind of reaction they are desperate to get to validate their self hatred.

And as I said above we elevate such social interactions in our head - and get quite emotional about them - for little or no reason. So not only is it fertile ground for trolls - it is also the reason why many of our species can be perfectly ok in 99% of social interactions - but simply fall apart when approaching another person for more. There is a lot riding on it and invested in it - it is an emotional mine field for us. And the trick is not to just let the trolls smell that on us and run over looking for food - but to smell it on ourselves and weed it out.

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

This is likely because you are elevating that social interaction above others in your head - for no reason - and putting undue and unwarranted pressure on yourself. You are - on some basis unknown to me - making this social interaction different to any other. And tripping yourself up in doing so.

I can't be impartial so I'll neither agree nor disagree.

The last time I did was with a girl at the bus stop. I'd no idea what to say to her until one day I was running late so I asked her if my bus had gone. She opened her mouth and turned to speak to me before deciding I wasn't worth words. I'm not saying that of all women of course. Perhaps its as you say or maybe it's a confidence thing. I'm not sure.

I can't be arsed with chat up lines. As you've said, they're obvious and innately disregard the difference between individual people.

ancapailldorcha

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

The last time I did was with a girl at the bus stop. I'd no idea what to say to her until one day I was running late so I asked her if my bus had gone. She opened her mouth and turned to speak to me before deciding I wasn't worth words. I'm not saying that of all women of course. Perhaps its as you say or maybe it's a confidence thing. I'm not sure.

Unfortunately these are the kind of things that naturally stand out in our minds when they happen to us.

It is clear who exactly that behaviour is a measure of - her not you - but it seems natural to humans to take that kind of thing to heart all the same. Despite the fact that this person showed herself to be rude - inconsiderate - perhaps even hateful - and certainly not worth the time of day - the rejection by someone so entirely beneath us still stands out in our minds as a rejection - and it hurts.

It takes genuine effort and mindfulness of our reactions to mediate and control them after such a thing. A certain level of wisdom that comes as much from effort as it does life experience - to see such people for what they are and not take the more personal reaction to it.

Go on to any forum and type in the search phrase "I do not care what you think" for example. See how many results you get. People who clearly care enough about what the other person things to feel compelled to tell them they do not care what they think. They say it because they do care what the other person thinks - wants them to believe they actually do not care - in the hope that the other person is emasculated by this lie.

Actually not caring what other people think - realising their behaviour or words is a measure of them and not you - that takes an inner strength and conviction - and not one born to us - or denied any of us - but one we can develop ourselves through mindfulness and introspection.

Of course however all of this is out of context and I was not there on the day you spoke to this person - or the days where you did not For all I know - and I say this tongue in cheek really - you might have been lustfully staring, drooling and panting at her noticeably all those other days - and when she turned around the day you spoke and saw it was you - she might simply have though "Oh crap its him" and thought better of it :-p

Every situation and context is different - I only speak to the general situation of someone who treats another human being as you have described she did above. As I say - take the situation as being a measure of HER and not in even the smallest way a measure of you.

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

Of course however all of this is out of context and I was not there on the day you spoke to this person - or the days where you did not For all I know - and I say this tongue in cheek really - you might have been lustfully staring, drooling and panting at her noticeably all those other days - and when she turned around the day you spoke and saw it was you - she might simply have though "Oh crap its him" and thought better of it :-p

Every situation and context is different - I only speak to the general situation of someone who treats another human being as you have described she did above. As I say - take the situation as being a measure of HER and not in even the smallest way a measure of you.

I tried to minimise "casual glances" as my hopes weren't exactly high. Funnily enough, I'd seen her on a dating site and sent her a message so that might have played a part. I don't think I'm remarkable enough to stand out from the hundreds of men who pester women on those dreadful things.

Thanks for that. It's a really helpful post.

Then it is not at all unlikely that my paragraph was true. Only instead of " you might have been lustfully staring, drooling and panting at her noticeably all those other days" you can simply replace it with "she realised you were the guy off the dating site long before on those other days" and her behaviour - while still entirely unjustifiable - and still more a measure of her than you - at least now begins to make some genuine _sense_ if nothing else. She might have been as mortified in that moment - as you were all the other days you thought of approaching her for conversation.

Human interaction really is a mine field. Some people genuinely act rudely and inappropriately. But us third party observers after the fact - like myself - can really only guess at what may have been going on in the head of such people at the time. We judge the behaviour of others on the information available to US - which is all we _can_ do - and hardly ever on the information from the perspective of THEM. And sometimes a tiny bit of information we suddenly get - like that you actually did have prior contact with her - can suddenly be an "aha" moment and you suddenly see it from a whole new perspective.

The trick - as I say - remains to learn how not to take things personally - in so far as never seeing it as a judgement of ones own self worth - but a measure of them before you. An easy sentence to write of course - harder to put into practice - even with all my years fascinated with mindfulness - meditation - and mental self discipline techniques - I can still falter and feel the behaviour of others reflects on me rather than them. I guess it is just the way humans are built I suppose.

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

Then it is not at all unlikely that my paragraph was true. Only instead of " you might have been lustfully staring, drooling and panting at her noticeably all those other days" you can simply replace it with "she realised you were the guy off the dating site long before on those other days" and her behaviour - while still entirely unjustifiable - and still more a measure of her than you - at least now begins to make some genuine _sense_ if nothing else. She might have been as mortified in that moment - as you were all the other days you thought of approaching her for conversation.

Like I said, I doubt I'd stand out but she may have remembered me. I moved house in September which is when I had to start getting the bus. It's a bit of a leap but it's possible she might have pegged me as some sort of stalker.

Deleted User wrote: »

Human interaction really is a mine field. Some people genuinely act rudely and inappropriately. But us third party observers after the fact - like myself - can really only guess at what may have been going on in the head of such people at the time. We judge the behaviour of others on the information available to US - which is all we _can_ do - and hardly ever on the information from the perspective of THEM. And sometimes a tiny bit of information we suddenly get - like that you actually did have prior contact with her - can suddenly be an "aha" moment and you suddenly see it from a whole new perspective.

The trick - as I say - remains to learn how not to take things personally - in so far as never seeing it as a judgement of ones own self worth - but a measure of them before you. An easy sentence to write of course - harder to put into practice - even with all my years fascinated with mindfulness - meditation - and mental self discipline techniques - I can still falter and feel the behaviour of others reflects on me rather than them. I guess it is just the way humans are built I suppose.

That's the magic question. It's like telling an overweight person to go to the gym. Simple but not necessarily easy.

Funny that you should mention mindfulness. I was mediating at a class at work for a while until my workload put paid to it. Does it affect things like this or is mindfulness more than mere meditating?

fits

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I
The last time I did was with a girl at the bus stop. I'd no idea what to say to her until one day I was running late so I asked her if my bus had gone. She opened her mouth and turned to speak to me before deciding I wasn't worth words. I'm not saying that of all women of course. Perhaps its as you say or maybe it's a confidence thing. I'm not sure.

I can't be arsed with chat up lines. As you've said, they're obvious and innately disregard the difference between individual people.

Are you just saying that for the sake of the forum, or is it something you really believe? Genuine question.

ancapailldorcha

fits wrote: »

Are you just saying that for the sake of the forum, or is it something you really believe? Genuine question.

I wouldn't say anything just for the sake of an online, anonymous forum. I don't know if you see or read many of my posts but I'd like to think I come across as being smart enough not to have a pop at womankind just because I got rejected by one.

fits

Ive read loads of your posts! Yes you do seem like a smart chap but also seem like you reinforce regularly in your own head that you are no good with women. I am sure there are positive experiences too, focus and build on those and forget the bad ones. There are lots of weirdos out there and its feck all to do with gender. Have you any female friends?

ancapailldorcha

fits wrote: »

Ive read loads of your posts! Yes you do seem like a smart chap but also seem like you reinforce regularly in your own head that you are no good with women. I am sure there are positive experiences too, focus and build on those and forget the bad ones. There are lots of weirdos out there and its feck all to do with gender. Have you any female friends?

To be honest, it was only recently that I seem to have made any sort of traction regarding platonic relationships with women. I've no idea why. I've started travelling and reading more but this is one area that I can't seem to improve in. In my current workplace and the one preceding it, the majority of staff have been women. Perhaps this might be why... I enjoy talking to them of course and respect them as professionals for their skills and experience. I would have a few female friends and if I went back to visit Manchester, I'd be saddened if I didn't get to see them. I met them through working there. When I was at University, the girls in my class seemed to have very little interest in any sort of relationship with me, platonic or romantic. It's an odd one as I can broaden my horizons in many respects by learning, travelling and so on but in this regard I may as well be 14.

The reason for the bit you chose to highlight was that I was keen to distance myself from so-called "nice guys" who'll blame women when they get rejected.

siblers

Deleted User wrote: »

To return to this - perhaps you only have one goal with the opposite sex in social situations - but that does not mean there is only one goal out there.

His goal might have been simply to break the ice and see what comes of it.

His goal might be to get a phone number.

His goal might be to get her home to that bed that night for a one night stand.


.

But the approach will always be the same though, more or less. I don't approach girls in clubs looking to get laid but if I did, I'm not really sure how my approach would be any different? If you were to approach a girl cause you genuinely fancied her or just to get laid, what would you say differently?

ancapailldorcha

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Does it affect things like this or is mindfulness more than mere meditating?

I find that meditating affects all kinds of things. It is not just a stress reducer. It also allows one to notice thoughts as they come careening into consciousness - notice where they come from - and allow us to observe them without allowing them to control us or affect us like they otherwise might.

So on subjects like the one we just talked about - where the behaviour of others towards us will instantly make us judge ourselves in the light of it - it can very much help one notice such thoughts and their potential effect on us - and rise above that quite usefully.

Mindfulness meditation - and mindfulness in general - to me is nothing more complex than just training ones moment to moment attention - and mastering it more than simply being taken along by the current and stream of it.

siblers wrote: »

But the approach will always be the same though, more or less.

I am not so sure. I think when one has an agenda - especially a sexual one and an instantaneous gratification one at that - not only is the approach much different but other people can smell the agenda a mile off.

Your time window to ingratiate yourself to the person becomes shorter and more intense - you are not just trying to break the ice - you are trying to initiate a sexual encounter that very night. It by necessity puts more pressure on yourself and the situation and becomes more forced.

Contrast this to an approach where you just approach people as people - all the same - and naturally allow relationships to evolve out of this with no other agenda than to interact with people.

I guess I have never approached a girl I did not know because I wanted sex or was physically attracted to her. I have always had the mirror approach. I approach people _in general_ in my life - and it has only been when they were incorporated into my life at some level - that is I have met them a few times not just that first time - that they enter my radar as a potential _anything_ - friend, intimate partner, or something else.

And with this approach - the kinds of social pressure people describe on threads like this one - are simply entirely alien to me. I simply have not experienced these sensations of pressure, worry, fear of rejection and so forth that people describe in their concerns about how to approach members of the opposite sex.

Of course all this comes with the usual disclaimers of what works for one might not work for another and so forth - I can only comment on my own experiences and history and offer it forth for consideration - without recommending you read too much into it or take any of it as gospel or claims to being "the way".

ancapailldorcha

Deleted User wrote: »

I find that meditating affects all kinds of things. It is not just a stress reducer. It also allows one to notice thoughts as they come careening into consciousness - notice where they come from - and allow us to observe them without allowing them to control us or affect us like they otherwise might.

So on subjects like the one we just talked about - where the behaviour of others towards us will instantly make us judge ourselves in the light of it - it can very much help one notice such thoughts and their potential effect on us - and rise above that quite usefully.

Mindfulness meditation - and mindfulness in general - to me is nothing more complex than just training ones moment to moment attention - and mastering it more than simply being taken along by the current and stream of it.

Hmmm... I know it's a good stress reliever but I never thought it could make such a positive contribution to one's outlook.

ancapailldorcha

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Hmmm... I know it's a good stress reliever but I never thought it could make such a positive contribution to one's outlook.

That and more. I guess it can be what you make of it really. I occasionally run guided meditation "classes" (not the ideal word but never found a better one) which I originally advertised as free classes for students in the local college. And at first I did get only students in it.

Since then - I have had people with anger management issues - addiction issues - a priest and a trainee priest - people with depression - people with ADD and other issues with focus and attention - and many more attend and report beneficial effects. A result matched by many people around the world doing similar - and often a lot more professionally than me.

Sam Harris speaks well on this in some of his blog posts and online talks - and his recent book and purchasable video called "Waking up". The author of one of the more successful books in this area "Wherever you go there you are" - Jon Kabat-Zinn - also used mindfulness meditation in his work creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School.

I guess we give a lot of attention to diet and training ourselves physically in this world. And also to education and training ourselves mentally in terms of knowledge. But we give less attention to training those mental faculties in and of themselves. Training our moment to moment awareness and concentration. And it can be quite transformative in terms of ego - moral intuitions and much more. Even though those transformations might be hard won beyond the basic levels.

It has certainly been rare for me to find people incorporate it into their life and report no benefits of any kind at all - even if they are far from reaping the more hard won extreme benefits of it.

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

I am not so sure. I think when one has an agenda - especially a sexual one and an instantaneous gratification one at that - not only is the approach much different but other people can smell the agenda a mile off.

I think a large part of the problem is that a lot of women, especially on a night out, assume there is an agenda when a guy approaches them, whether there is or not. It's like a defensive mechanism. They expect to be approached in this environment so they have a guard up.

Granted if the woman finds the guy attractive and she wants the same thing then its fair game. Regardless of what my intentions are when approaching someone, I don't do anything differently with my approach, not initially anyway. If I feel she likes me and things are going well then I might chance my arm, but the initial approach is always the same.

GaryDub31

I haven't got too much experience here due to being in a relationship for 13 years but i would agree with the posters who have said to keep it simple. Clubs aren't the best place to talk. Maybe try pubs where you can have a proper chat. If the conversation flows ok things should be spot on.

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

I think a large part of the problem is that a lot of women, especially on a night out, assume there is an agenda when a guy approaches them, whether there is or not. It's like a defensive mechanism. They expect to be approached in this environment so they have a guard up.

And there are many people when they meet a muslim start thinking suicide bombers and "Oh I hope I say nothing that offends this person".

That is a tongue in cheek analogy by I hope the point of it is clear. I think a relatively small but damn embarrassing contingent of our sex very much do leave the female population with this impression of our sex. But in pun and club situations that relatively small contingent become nearer the majority. And the rest of us males who are pretty decent people - live with that stereotype.

I think this is why I find my life approach of approaching all people as PEOPLE first - and simply allowing anything that evolves to do so on its own much later - works out for me. I have been told I simply do not give off that vibe to anyone. I was always know in college as the guy in pubs and clubs who never managed to "pull". Whole swaths of my friends would end up with their face attached to someone elses by the end of the night while I ended up studying the edge of my glass It was just never me to engage in the social mating ritual.

Yet now somehow I seem to have a sex life that people vocally inform me they drool over. Perhaps a coincidence. But despite me being an anecdote of one to myself - I still credit my approach to people as simply being people and never with an agenda - as being the focal point of my success socially, sexually, and in the friendships I have built in my life with members of both sexes.

On a tongue and cheek note - but comically relevant - I am sitting here with a few mates watching the You Tube streamed interview with Obama where well known You Tube Vloggers are asking him questions.

As a drinking game we all gave a word we thought he would not say - but if he did say we have to drink - lets say a disproportionate amount of some of the drinks I have in the house here.

And after being asked a question about white police officers in black communities - Obama just used the word "mindfullness".

So - if the posts I make in the next hour or so suddenly turn weird - you now know why

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

And there are many people when they meet a muslim start thinking suicide bombers and "Oh I hope I say nothing that offends this person".

That is a tongue in cheek analogy by I hope the point of it is clear. I think a relatively small but damn embarrassing contingent of our sex very much do leave the female population with this impression of our sex. But in pun and club situations that relatively small contingent become nearer the majority. And the rest of us males who are pretty decent people - live with that stereotype.

I think this is why I find my life approach of approaching all people as PEOPLE first - and simply allowing anything that evolves to do so on its own much later - works out for me. I have been told I simply do not give off that vibe to anyone. I was always know in college as the guy in pubs and clubs who never managed to "pull". Whole swaths of my friends would end up with their face attached to someone elses by the end of the night while I ended up studying the edge of my glass It was just never me to engage in the social mating ritual.

Yet now somehow I seem to have a sex life that people vocally inform me they drool over. Perhaps a coincidence. But despite me being an anecdote of one to myself - I still credit my approach to people as simply being people and never with an agenda - as being the focal point of my success socially, sexually, and in the friendships I have built in my life with members of both sexes.

Was that in Mantra by any chance?

Yeah I never really got the social mating ritual myself. I guess you could say I was disillusioned with it when I was younger. I was never a big drinker but thankfully I'm no longer at the age where there is the same peer pressure to get pissed at weekends. I do my own thing now and am a lot happier than what I was in my early 20's.

Mister Vain

Mister Vain wrote: »

Was that in Mantra by any chance?

Never heard of it I am old and naive normally so I am probably missing out on some peer joke at my expense My college career found my down the south west. Is Mantra a dublin thing?

Mister Vain wrote: »

I do my own thing now and am a lot happier than what I was in my early 20's.

Great! I think this is true of most people. When you get out of the "this is how it is" part of life and into the "now I can do my thing" stage - happiness follows pretty quick.

Mister Vain

Deleted User wrote: »

Never heard of it I am old and naive normally so I am probably missing out on some peer joke at my expense My college career found my down the south west. Is Mantra a dublin thing?

Nah its a club in Maynooth popular with the students. I thought you might have went to college there.

Roquentin

Deleted User wrote: »

Never heard of it I am old and naive normally so I am probably missing out on some peer joke at my expense My college career found my down the south west. Is Mantra a dublin thing?



Great! I think this is true of most people. When you get out of the "this is how it is" part of life and into the "now I can do my thing" stage - happiness follows pretty quick.

“There is no path to happiness: happiness is the path.”


― Gautama Buddha