She has lost interest in sex

cloudyskys

We have been married 18 years now and maybe this happens with a lot of couples but my wife has gradually been losing interest in sex. The other parts of our lives are ok just the normal stresses. We've got 3 teenage kids and we both have busy lives with our jobs. But I kept count last year and we only had sex 3 times. She always has some reason, too tired, period, kids will hear, TV show is on. I arranged for us to go away for two weekends last year, just the two of us and tried to be romantic but both occasions she was too tired from a wonderful day. It's like she has no sex drive anymore and she doesn't ever want to talk about it. And it's affecting me too badly in other ways. I started looking more and more at online porn, meaning more masturbating etc. That led to flirting with girls online and not it's like a vicious cycle that's hard to stop. Maybe it's my midlife crises.

Am I stupid or is this normal?

nc19

if one person in a marraige losses interest in sex and wont talk about it then its a definite problem. You have to decide whether its going to be something you can live with and if its not then you need to tell her that youre not willing to go the rest of your life like this and things need to change

nc19

You'll have all the feminists and women who themselves are like your wife along in a mo telling you how your being selfish and not listening to her needs. Bollix!
3 times in a yr is not acceptable imo....

Tokyo

nc19 - red card for that insightful gross generalisation. Considering the attitude you have brought to the thread, please don't post in it again.

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser

Perhaps, to try and put it in a way she might understand, sit her down and ask her how she might feel, if last year you had only made yourself available to listen to her talk about her day when she wanted to, 3 times in the year. And that when she raised it with you, you shrugged it off with the excuse that the other 300 or so times when she wanted you to, you were too tired or your favourite tv show was on, and those things were more important to you.

Typer Monkey

If she won't talk about it maybe you could write down how you feel about the lack of intimacy and the impact it's having on you in a letter. That way she has to hear exactly how you feel without shutting you down and she has time to think about it and respond. It might take any embarrassment/awkwardness out of the 'big conversation'.

You should be completely honest in the letter though and tell her you'll give her a couple of days to think it over but then you want to sit sown and talk properly about it and come up with an action plan.

Just a suggestion..but you absolutely have to discuss it before your relationship falls apart, one way or the other

eviltwin

What was your sex life like before this? People don't just lose their sex drive for no reason. There has to be something behind it. What age is she? Could she be pre-menopausal? Is she unwell? Has there been any kind of life event in the past year that could be affecting her self image or her general mentality? It doesn't have to be anything big, it could be a minor enough issue. Could there be someone else?

Shrap

Mr Gas wrote: »

Maybe sexy clothes to spice things up in the bed room maybe?

Y'know, that'd be a good idea if both parties were already agreed that they were bored? We don't know how the OP's wife feels, and bringing on the sexy gear could just be pressure to feel sexy/get it on that she could reject out of hand. It could come across as offensive, ie. Woman, you are no longer good enough without corsets and bondage!

However, OP, I do think a conversation is in order. Do you mind me asking what age you both are? You say you have teens in the house, and I have two myself. This can be VERY inhibiting, especially as they sometimes go to bed even later than me. I can safely say that I felt the urge many more times in the last year than I followed through with, solely for the reason that I was uncomfortable with the slightest chance that the teens would overhear. Then sex becomes arranged - not spontaneous - like with booking a hotel for a weekend, and it becomes an obligation somehow because of the lack of spontaneity. I can see how a couple falls into this rut (no pun intended!) and that this becomes a pattern of behaviour that doesn't naturally lead to sex any more.

All I can really advise is talking, which is the hardest thing to do because I can tell that you don't want to bring this problem into the light and make it an official problem by saying it out loud. Talking about sex is somehow much more difficult than doing it, isn't it?! I can only suggest that you up the lechery somewhat, when the kids are out. Make a point of telling her how hot she is and do a little/lot of flirting, like you were back at the "unsure of each other" beginning of your relationship. Start again. Tell her you'd like to start again because you're still her man and you see her as still your woman. See what she says. You'll have no chance of changing things without communicating IN ACTUAL WORDS your interest.