Step kids

nicowa

How involved are your stepchildren -or your families/friends stepchildren- involved in your family life? It might sound a bit of a stupid question to some... When I married we had 1 joint family photo - despite that only 1 of the 3 kids in the photo was my bio child (I'm the mum in this situation) and the (step)son who lives with us is always visiting my family with me. He calls my nieces and nephews his cousins, and vice versa, and all my brothers and sisters are his aunts and uncles.

But I took him to a large family gathering lately (the 2 other children live abroad and couldn't make it) where he was told to get out of the family photos (and not very politely).

This initially went over my head. I thought he'd gotten bored of the photos and wandered out. I asked him to get back in only to see one of my aunts get her back up about it (she was the one who told him to get out of the photos). My sister (who has had ructions with this aunt before) was having none of it and sent him back in.

Now on Facebook I see they've photoshopped him out if the photo (badly) and made comments about bloodlines...

Stupidly I remarked on this and it blew up a bit. I was remarkable polite - though I accused of being the opposite on the day (completely untrue) and said I'd never heard anyone say that ALL the step kids were to be kept out (I barely recognised the bio kids so...) and said that if they didn't want him involved then they shouldn't invite me next time.

Tl;dr? Do you include stepchildren in all family events/photos?

seventeen sheep

nicowa wrote: »

How involved are your stepchildren -or your families/friends stepchildren- involved in your family life? It might sound a bit of a stupid question to some... When I married we had 1 joint family photo - despite that only 1 of the 3 kids in the photo was my bio child (I'm the mum in this situation) and the (step)son who lives with us is always visiting my family with me. He calls my nieces and nephews his cousins, and vice versa, and all my brothers and sisters are his aunts and uncles.

But I took him to a large family gathering lately (the 2 other children live abroad and couldn't make it) where he was told to get out of the family photos (and not very politely).

This initially went over my head. I thought he'd gotten bored of the photos and wandered out. I asked him to get back in only to see one of my aunts get her back up about it (she was the one who told him to get out of the photos). My sister (who has had ructions with this aunt before) was having none of it and sent him back in.

Now on Facebook I see they've photoshopped him out if the photo (badly) and made comments about bloodlines...

Stupidly I remarked on this and it blew up a bit. I was remarkable polite - though I accused of being the opposite on the day (completely untrue) and said I'd never heard anyone say that ALL the step kids were to be kept out (I barely recognised the bio kids so...) and said that if they didn't want him involved then they shouldn't invite me next time.

Tl;dr? Do you include stepchildren in all family events/photos?

Aw no. That is so sad.

I really hope your little boy didn't pick up on it.

I can understand them wanting some photos with only "immediate" family.

I can't understand them not allowing other family members in some photos.

Photoshopping him out of photos, and talking about "bloodlines", is downright disgusting horrible behaviour. I'd be inclined to keep my child far away from people like that.

Lucyfur

That's so awful

My son is ALWAYS included in my husbands family gatherings. Always. And calls all my husbands siblings his aunts and uncles etc. I would be so hurt if he was excluded like that

nicowa

Lucyfur wrote: »

That's so awful

My son is ALWAYS included in my husbands family gatherings. Always. And calls all my husbands siblings his aunts and uncles etc. I would be so hurt if he was excluded like that

Well these are my aunts, so slightly further away than that. But, as pointed out to me on FB, mine aren't the only step kids but none of the other were allowed in any photos. Not even the individual group family photos.

seventeen sheep wrote:

I really hope your little boy didn't pick up on it.

I can understand them wanting some photos with only "immediate" family.

I can't understand them not allowing other family members in some photos. [unquote]

Nope, not one step child was in a photo. And my fella is 17 and def picked up on it.

glued

I wouldn't be associating myself with anyone like your aunt. What an awful thing to do to someone.

Lucyfur

That's really hurtful. The poor lad. Do you think he'd say something to them himself? At 17 his opinions and feelings should be respected...well they should be respected at any age obviously...

The poor lad I know my son would be extremely hurt if that were to happen him.

nicowa

glued wrote: »

I wouldn't be associating myself with anyone like your aunt. What an awful thing to do to someone.

I don't usually but I didn't want to miss this event (for my nanas sake). Thankfully she's not invited to the upcoming family wedding. she won't be happy about that!

Lucyfur - he would say boo to a fly (now me and his dad are a different story ). But he asked my dad about her (she's my mums sister) so he did get some background and understanding of just how toxic she is.

I just wondered what every one thought of stepchildren and their involvement in family situations. It's so predominant now that it should be less of a thing, you know?

Roesy

My step niece is as involved in all family events as much as any other member of the family. She's been in our lives since she was 3 or 4 and is 18 now. She's godmother to my daughter. My aunts and uncles on my mothers side treat her the same way as all the grand nephews and nieces. My fathers side barely know her....or the other grand nephews and nieces! I have a cousin of the same age as her who she gets on brilliantly with. I remember them having a conversation when they were about 5 and he was fascinated by where she suddenly appeared from

I'd be livid if I thought anyone in the family was treating her any differently because she wasn't a blood relative.

Ms2011

I was/am a step child & I can't tell you how hurt I'd be if that had happened to me.

My SIL has a stepdaughter & she is treated exactly the same as any other child in the family, we celebrate her birthday, she's included in all family events, we see her as no different to the 'biological' kids in the family.

deisemum

That's very hurtful, would the old biddy treat an adopted child the same way?

Moonbeam

I am a step child and adopted I have no bloodline so i would take incredible offence to that.
There is no call for it,he is family.

Sligo1

I have no step kids and no step relatives as such... But I can tell you... Imo this is absolutely disgusting behaviour from your aunt! If that were me and my step child or bio child involved, she would be fairly kicked into touch and I wouldn't give a toss who I offended. My main concern would be my child (bio or non-bio is irrelevant). What a horrid human being...

nicowa

Thanks for the support. I feel like I was raked over the coals on FB today. They said I obviously felt my family was more important than the rest or that the rest don't care as much about their step children. Well, whether they do or not, they don't get the support I get to include my stepsons.

The comments were all deleted. But I've saved the images of them. Kind of a "cover my a**" strategy.

I just think it's all a bit sh*t to exclude kids that way.

Dravokivich

You don't need to cover your ass, let pigs roll in their own s**t.

qt3.14

I've a mantra for this kind of situation: Those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind.
Applicable in all combinations of toxic relatives/friends and people coming out/rearing kids non catholic/interracial relationships and now to add to the list, stepkids in family photographs.
From the sounds of it it's only a small proportion of your family that think this way, the rest are probably happy you were ballsy enough to take them on over it.
Best of luck.

CrazyRabbit

Next time your stepson meets this aunt, introduce her as "This is your fake aunt who isn't really important".

If this aunt thinks that blood is what makes a family then she hasn't a clue about real families.

Neyite

They sound horrible. I'm sure he'll be counted as family by them when they become old and infirm and lonely and want someone to look in on them and help them.

If its your mother's sisters, what's her take on it?

mrolaf

I think you should include them- spread the love

Paddy Cow

What is wrong with people like that? Point out her hypocrisy by telling her that partners are not blood relatives but are considered no less part of the family.

Roxirose

My stepdaughter is included completely in all aspects of our family life. To the extent my mam gives her birthday presents. My Granny gives her Christmas presents etc.
your aunt sounds very much like a minority. I don't think I have ever heard of a step child being treated like that.
Personally if anybody treated one of my children like that I would cut them out of my life. End of.

sonners

I have a step-nephew and a step-dad. My step-dad is grandad to my daughter and I consider myself very lucky that he was willing to step up to this position, I'm very happy to have him treat me like a daughter and in turn I will treat him like my dad.

My step-nephew is my nephew. I never use the word step! When my family (my brother and my mother) chose their partners and made them part of their family they became part of MY family, end-of! And as a consequence I would stick up for them just as I would any other member of my family.

If I were witness to any of my extended family trying to segregate these people from my family I would hit the roof!

December2012

I think there can be a difference when we become step families later in life (as in we are older children getting a step mother / step father).

But to single out a child in that way is horrible.

Sunny Dayz

OP, that is an awful thing to happen!! I think your aunt and anyone else who takes offense at step-families are living in the dark ages. With divorce and children born out of wedlock, step families are becoming more common place. To exclude someone just because they are not a blood relation is not on. Did she exclude those whom had married into the family also??


My son is step-child to my husband. Myself and my husband have been an item since my son was a baby. He has known my husband's family all his life. While myself and my other half were going out, I was careful not to impose myself and my son too much into their family but when we got engaged 5 years ago, my now mother in law was delighted "I'll have a new grandchild!" While my son still calls my husband's parents by their first names, he refers to them as his grandparents and they send him grandson cards at birthdays and Christmas. My husband's nieces and nephews are all referred to as my son's cousins and never has there been a distinction made between him and them. There have been numerous family events and gatherings over the years and my son has been included in all of them. The only thing which sets him apart is that he continues to use my maiden name as his surname which is his own choice.

nicowa

Thanks for all the replies. And yes, all partners - married or not - we're excluded from the big photos. We choose to have partners (and stepchild) in our individual family shot but only one other group did the same.

It just bugs me that so many of my cousins agreed with her (on Facebook) including one who's a step mother (and a mother by birth) and one cousin I would have been particularly close with since childhood - who is now dating a man with full custody if his young daughter.

And by "bugs me" I mean "really upsets me".