What should i do?

baalad

This is somewhat ironic given that i mentioned my ex here recently but this is a different matter altogether and i'am unsure what i should do.

Ill try keep it short! We broke up around 4 years ago and beyond the first 2 or 3 months , we have virtually not spoken since...... until a few months ago when we spoke briefly. She told me a story in which the dog she used to have was now dead but then strangely insisted that she believed her current bf killed the dog! She then went on to say we shouldn't be talking because she would be in trouble if he knew she was talking to me!

I was obviously a bit shocked but we never had a great relationship ourselves and i know her well enough to not believe everything she says. She was never a saint so i guess i just brushed it off and forgot about it.

Then today i randomly got a message from her on facebook which again is odd because i always thought she had me blocked on facebook . Anyhow she asked for my help and said she needs to get away from her bf! She didn't say he's beaten her but i get the distinct impression he might be as she seems genuinely scared . However, she has said she has tried leaving him before but she always goes back to him so how can she be helped if she keeps going back to him?

I spoke to her on the phone briefly (she said she had left the house but would be back soon) Her speech was worryingly slurred and she said its because shes on medication . She also asked me if i could get her xanax which i said no to!

I really do not want to be involved in this situation but what do i do? If i tell the guards do i risk getting her in trouble from her bf? .... and is it pointless when she's likely to go back to him anyway?

What would YOU do?

Oh an i have thought about contacting her family but apparently they no longer talk as they fell out over her current relationship. Iam not sure they like me very much either and she also has no friends. Sad but true!!

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Sounds harsh but don't get involved. She's not your problem.

baalad

The Cunning Linguist wrote: »

Sounds harsh but don't get involved. She's not your problem.

I get where your coming from but IF anything bad was to happen.Id feel guilty knowing i knew and that i did nothing! I know her well enough to know she has serious issues. I also know her well enough to know that i cannot help her! So im 99% confident that nothing do is gonna make a difference as she will likely stay with him but morally should i pass on what i know to guardai or could i be making matters worse? I really do not believe she would want me to contact the guards but then she obviously wants help or why else contact me today out of the blue.

retro:electro

Give her the guards phone number and tell her to ring them. Stay out of it, it sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Don't reply to her anymore.

baalad

anna080 wrote: »

Give her the guards phone number and tell her to ring them. Stay out of it, it sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Don't reply to her anymore.

Interesting, i thought everyone would be telling me to run to the guards ha To be honest, your probably right though because she clearly keeps going back to him and nobody can put a stop to that only herself! I also don't think she would contact the guards herself ... unless if it was during a domestic maybe

Guffy

I'd double check the family thing. As you said if anything did happen....

NegativeCreep

Dude, it's not your problem. Leave it.

Lillibeth

Contact her family. They are the ones who need to step in even if their relationship is rocky.

Tokyo

OP, I would also recommend keeping a certain amount of distance - you have an established past, and it sounds like she is using you as a lifeboat, which may have its own impact on you, and your first priority is to yourself.

That being said, you can still provide indirect advice without being involved. Tell her to reach out to somebody she can trust - a parent or a sibling for example. Another idea is to get a list of local resources together for her, such as the the local police number, contact details for domestic violence resources such as Women's Aid, and so on, and send them to her.

At the end of the day, this is something she has to do for herself. Even if you were to get personally involved and go over there, get her out, she would most likely go back. She needs to be ready herself, mentally and physically to take that step, and when she does, and you will have already done alone of the groundwork for her with the contact details of support agencies.

Tasden

Exactly as mike said, she has to want to do this herself and if she wants it enough she'll seek support from those in a position to help. It seems like she wants support/advice from you but isn't actually ready to take the step and leave.

I've been in a similar position before and basically all I was in the end was a sounding board. I was giving encouragement and being a person to vent to but when it came down to it they didn't really want me to help them change anything. They just wanted me involved to an extent.

And what I learned was, as the old saying goes- "not my circus not my monkeys". Its not your situation, it has nothing to do with you, you don't need to be involved.

Starokan

This is a bit of a no win situation for you. If her boyfriend finds out you are interfering he will be gunning for you. I'm not saying that would worry you but do you really need the hassle?

Likewise friends or her family could blame you, as the ex it will always look like you are interfering because of an agenda i.e people will assume you want her back.

Stay clear would be my advice, if she contacts again tell her to contact friends or family or the guards if needed.

You cannot be the one she needs to lean on to get away . Also asking you to source a prescription drug for her is a tad worrisome. I'm not sure you can do a lot here without bringing a world of hassle upon yourself

Potatoeman

Stay clear you are the worse person for this issue. It should raise alarms that she has no friends or family to turn to.

baalad

Hey guys. I said in my post that i spoke to her briefly on the phone and i made one big mistake ...... i left my phone number ON. I got around 5 missed calls last night from a strange number and then a text from the same number pretending to be a girl and asking who i was (i knew right then it was her bf texting me) Why she didnt delete the call from me immediately ill never know, because she told me specifically that he goes through her phone which he obviously did if i got my number! He left a voicemail on my phone where he threatened me.The problem is i texted back initially and told him i was a friend of hers and that there was nothing going on so he had no need to worry but he was adamant to know who i was so i wouldn't tell him and ignored him..... then the nasty voicemail came and i could hear him over an over again asking her "who is he" .

As someone else pointed out "it should raise alarms that she has no friends or family to turn to" . She is certainly no angel. However im just a fool for feeling sorry for people that have gone through **** and if someone is in need i always feel obliged to help!

As it stands now i have contacted the guards even though i suspect they have been contacted about him in the past .I have blocked all numbers that texted and rang last night and am no longer responding nor getting involved as this guy is clearly a psychopath! Just wish i wasnt so stupid an left my number on while i rang her yesterday to offer advice.

Tasden

Don't feel bad, its not something you would usually have to worry about. If it wasn't you he was annoyed about it'd something or someone else.

Oink

You've called the guards. Excellent.

Now one short message to her family. No conversation entered into.

After that, I strongly, strongly advise no further contact with any of them, other than the guards if/when required.

Seriously, no contact. They have no reason to interfere with your life, and only have as much power on you as you are willing to give them.

It's not your mess to fix, you'll only make it worse!!!!