relationship with girl who is abroad

LegacyUser

Bit of a long story
Ive always been v quite and shy and not good at making friends, even worse at keeping them, Ive also been kinda socially awkward, v bad to speak and talk, in fact I don’t know when someone last rang me to ask u want to go for a drink but its been a few years, im in my early 30ties now & I intend going to toastmasters and doing some new things acting classes dancing to try and bring me out of my shell.
I don’t know why I wasn’t interested in going out when I was 20, Im v disappointed with myself TBH, my parents were v strict and I didn’t have it easy in school as I was the bright boy in the class and I guess it was easier for me to opt out rather than to get an earful from jealous bullies and I kinda got stuck in the habit of opting out and hiding away. But school was 15years ago so time to move on isn’t it, I hadn’t thought about it that much but that’s where the opting out started. I also was a bit afraid of my parents TBH and they were over protective and never let me do much. Jeez, I don’t think I ever had friends over to the house to play as a child, mother never encouraged even though she was a teacher, looking back that really was a v v v bad idea, but I had 2 brothers to play with, and both of them aren’t in the same situation as me, mind u they wouldn’t have had the same school situation.
Im ashamed to say I never learned to socialize properly, drink doesn’t loosen my tongue either. I just can’t seem to let my hair down and enjoy myself, if anyone is able to tell me how please do.
Ive a good job now, well paid, no debts, no real friends and of course single. Ive realized too that the common denominator here is me so its I need to change and learn how to speak and talk to people so that I can bond with them, rather than staying quite like a lamppost, no shame in admitting that either.

Long story short headed out during the summer local costal village meet a few acquaintances in passing and met a Czech girl who just happened to be having a drink in a pub. We ended up seeing each other over the next 2 mths before her contract was up and she went back home. It was great TBH and at the end we had a pretty serious relationship when she left.
She wants to go back to college next October for 3 years, so isn’t coming back anytime soon.
Even though she is gone back we still talk every day, even though she told me she had met another man back in Czech, however she isn’t really sure about him & she even told me she is afraid she started dating him as she just wanted someone to be with. I think she did the same with me, and me with her even, however the few weeks and the day we were parting company………….we both knew we had come a long way. We told each other deep secrets the kind of secrets-things u have done/happened to you that you don’t tell anyone, she tells me things about her life before her BF that I am pretty sure of. Her mother had several boyfriends she said as she was growing up, forming relationships with boys is easy for her, mother is divorced a few times and don’t think was as good to her as a typical irish mother.
We really miss each other I think and I am thinking of heading over to visit her, she would love to see me she says
I guess she was the first serious relationship I ever had, had a few other gfs but they didn’t last v long, weeks………all due to my inability to speak and talk TBH, on paper I have a CV that any girl would be interested in and Im nice to girls not mean or nasty.
Good thing maybe as after she left I realized a social problem so hopefully I can work on curing it - It was only when she was gone that I realized that I had social problems and was v quite and shy, so went to physiologist for advice, hadn’t really spoken to him about this part of whats going on in my head. By God I felt depressed when she left, didn’t eat properly for a while even as wasn’t hungry TBH, especally when I realized I had social problem, the whole social problems issue seemed to hit me then it had never bothered me before.
Told all this to physiologist and he kinda said-you pressed an opt button a long time ago, so you need to start working on reintegrating yourself back into society………so toastmasters - learn to speak and talk about topics at random, dancing, acting, things like that are on the list, retake up playing irish music, try and take up tag rugby/ soccer or something…...
The gril from Czech She knows Im trying to change myself as do my family. She knows about physiologist family don’t, im afraid it would worry them TBH.

Maybe its because I don’t have any other people in my life male/female that I am thinking about her so much and am considering going to Czech to visit her for a few days, as I said her invite to come see her is v genuine, christmas cards and gifts were exchanged by both of us, have spoken on the phone a few times.

Am I really being a fool even keeping contact and only prolonging my own agony thinking about her, we talk ever day via snapchat or fbook sometimes for up to an hour often, we both enjoy it, we wouldn’t be doing it if we didn’t would we

ILikeBananas

czech girl wrote: »

Am I really being a fool even keeping contact and only prolonging my own agony thinking about her

One thing that comes across in your post is that you are extremely hard on yourself OP. You're no fool. However I do believe that you are prolonging your pain by keeping in touch with this girl. What's the likely end plan here? She's gone for at least 3 years and is seeing someone else for god's sake. It really does seem like she's trying to keep you on the back burner as a standby.

Now because of your low self esteem you seem to think that a standby status with this girl is adequate. It's not. As you said yourself you have a 'strong CV'. You know what you're weak at and it sounds like you've a plan for improving them. Reduce your contact with this girl with a view to eventually stopping contacting her altogether. You had a good few months with her and remember that you were able to attract her. You'll be able to do so again with others in the future.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

An awful lot of what you talked about is very similar to my life, down the personality, similar upbringing, lack of friends, employment and social interaction.

I think the good news in your story is that you know yourself what you need and want to work on. You've done more than I have. You've talked to a physiologist and already intend to get more active in other things.

I was in a long distance relationship (separate countries) for over 10 years. My advice to you is that if it does become serious then you both need to actively work towards living together and to make sure it happens. Whether that means you having to give up your job and move, or for her to move near you.

This is one of the reasons my relationship ended. My original plan was to move to her country but I had a lot of responsibility at work and I did love my job. Giving it up was going to be difficult and in the end she gave up waiting. I honestly can't blame her any bit for this. She moved on with her life, got married and I'm sure she's happy. She was a wonderful woman and unfortunately I have to live with this regret.

After a couple of years of being apart for many months at a time, it really got me down and I silently suffered depression from it. I never told her this as she was going through some of her own health issues and I didn't want her stressing out any more about me. I went through this for about 4 years on and off and as a result I ended up pushing her away more at the same time and I would just shut myself out from everyone.

I've only recently started to get over the end of mine and move on. It took a long time but I feel a little better these days. I'm trying to change my attitude towards socializing and just getting out there. It dawned on me recently that I would rather make a fool of myself and at least type, than to live in regret 10 - 20 years from now. Twelve months from now anything could happen to me and I don't want the last thing I think about to be everything I've regretted and never took a chance on.

If you want this to work then you both really need to agree on some sort of end goal. Long distance relationships like this are very tough and the lack of physical interaction from your partner, whether it's just to hold their hand, give them a hug or sit next to them on the couch is something you will always long for.

Since it's still early days, I would say go for a visit. Have some fun. At least you'll see another part of the world at the very least.

berger89

Yeah I'd say go for it as well. If anything, it kind of seems like you are just friends now. Maybe it's best to keep it that way. I don't think she's keeping you on the back burner at all (as a previous poster mentioned). I think that she genuinely wants to keep in contact with you; and I don't think she is leading you on or any of the sort.

As you said yourself, you don't have/never had really good friends or a best friend. Maybe this girl IS your best friend. You two share things with each other that no one else knows about. I know from a personal side, I share stuff with my best friend and my sister that other friends or my parents don't know and will never know.

You have reached a superior level of trust with each other. So perhaps staying as friends might be the best option.