another last chance?

LegacyUser

I think I more need support to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
I've being in a relationship for 6 years and we have a child together.
It all kick started a good while ago when I found messages on his phone, I forgave him and have not found messages since. It was all my fault supposedly that I was not there for him.
He than lost his job and my hours got cut in the summer and he still would not mind our child so I had to pay for childcare.
He use to lock himself away into his room than to spend time with us.
He than got a job far away and moved away he moved back in with his mum who does everything for him, he comes back at the weekend and expects me to do the same while i have being working all week and than looking after our child. I still have to get up with our child at the weekend and I told him a sleep in would be nice. Ive asked lots of times we do things as a family ive tried ive put hotel breaks in front of him so we can go away the two of us.
We went to his friends house one time and on the way back he started screaming at me saying i thought his friend waa a better dad than he Was, i never said anything.
He screamed at me at his parents house because I said he needs to help out more with our child
At Christmas time which is the only day he has taken our child the day we were supposed to spend together he left me and went to his mums house where there were lots of people going and I was left by myself and my mum.
I said afterwards if he ever treated me like that again it was over so last week he threw his dirty clothes at me telling me I do a sh1t job he threw a photoframe and broke it told me to clean it up! Said to our child mammy is a b1tch can you say that mammy.is.a.b1tch, that was over me telling him to get up that it was unfair I do all the work. So that was the last chance.
This weekend he got flowers delivered to me, he was crying saying how much he doesnt want to lose us. He didn't realise how much he cared for us. I don't like him hugging me anymore, im scared it'll get worse. He said we go on holiday but ive already tried lots of times.
I just need support to know I'm doing the right thing. I feel I'm wrong for asking him to help out. I even googled what's the role of a father.
Should I give him another last chance? Am I doing the right thing by getting out of the relationship
Thanks guys

Neyite

support needed wrote: »

I
Should I give him another last chance? Am I doing the right thing by getting out of the relationship
Thanks guys

Yikes, dont give him a second chance. YES you are doing the right thing getting out of the relationship. Show your children that this is not how people treat others in a relationship. Show them that you are deserving of respect, kindness, and consideration. Show them that they deserve to live in a home without things getting thrown or people getting abusive.

He wont change.

Mr. Incognito

He is a manipulative bully.

I cannot believe he would say that to your child about her mother.

Cut him loose.

stargazer 68

support needed wrote: »

I said afterwards if he ever treated me like that again it was over so last week he threw his dirty clothes at me telling me I do a sh1t job he threw a photoframe and broke it told me to clean it up! Said to our child mammy is a b1tch can you say that mammy.is.a.b1tch, that was over me telling him to get up that it was unfair I do all the work. So that was the last chance.

You gave him a last chance already- last means last OP. If you give him another one he knows you will never leave him and he can do what he likes. Yes you are doing the right thing by getting rid of him. No child needs to hear that about either of their parents. Its time to stand up for yourself and your child.

Big Bag of Chips

Even if he is sorry doing a complete turn around and becoming a helpful partner is too much of a change for him. If he wanted to do it he would have made some effort all this time. He doesn't want it. And if he stays he will end up half arsed doing things just to keep you happy and he will eventually slip back into old habits.

He's had plenty of opportunities to step up and hasn't. And now suddenly he realises he was wrong? Was it not plainly obvious to him all along it was wrong? Did he really need you to explain to him where he was going wrong? So, does he think his behaviour all along was acceptable? And did he think you were going to put up with his abuse forever? If you hadn't put an end to it, would he still be carrying on like that.. Thinking it was acceptable?

Honestly, I think he's had his last chance.. He's had years of last chances. If he couldn't figure out for himself that he was being useless and abusive then do you really need to be in a relationship where you are trying to teach a child and a partner of basic social manners? He's an adult. He knew all along what he was doing but he was getting away with it. And if you take him back he's gotten away with it again... Why would anything change?

mapaca

He has already been aggressive, disrespectful, bullying towards you. You said yourself you're scared he will get worse. You need to stick to your guns. He's had his last chance and he blew it. Take care of yourself and your child. You both deserve better.

tinkerbell

No no no no and NO. He's had enough chances. At the moment, you are basically a single parent who gets mentally abused by your partner and have to run around looking after him too because he's a lazy git. Leave him and suddenly your life is so much better - you're still a single mother but you don't have to run around him, you don't get abused and your child grows up in a happy home. I cannot believe he asked your child to call you a bitch, that's unbelievable. Get rid, OP. There's no going back from that in my opinion. Even if you give him another chance he still won't change.

Tokyo

Consider contacting Women's Aid if you need some support, or just to talk out what's going on with someone else. They provide support services and information to women experiencing abuse from their partners (and just because he hasn't been physically violent with you yet, doesn't mean you aren't in an abusive relationship). They have a helpline at 1800 341 900 should you wish to talk to them, and they'll also be able to help make you aware of what options are available to you.

Rosie Rant

You deserve better. He doesn't deserve any more chances. Everything you have described is unforgivable behaviour. It'll be hard to leave but it won't take long for you to see that it's the best decision you could possibly make for you and your child. You will have to be strong, you can do it. I wish you all the luck in the world.

ladygirl

Leave now and NEVER look back!!!!

Rachineire

I don't normally respond on these threads but felt I had to say something.

I know there is a lot of emotion surrounding this relationship and you feel like you have a lot invested (time together and having a child together) but you need to look at what you have written. If your friend told you this what would you say to them?

I'm sure you havn't even told us half of what is going on, but from what you have written this is abuse. He may not be striking you, but to scream at you for asking him to help you with the child you have together and the home you share, for ignoring you, for trying to get your child to call you names that is all abuse. I feel so sorry for you and for your child- you shouldn't have to be treated that way and neither should your child.
I grew up in a very abusive home and some of the things you wrote really struck a chord with me. I remember my dad screaming at my mother over the smallest of things- I remember one time she accidentally bounced a check and he was screaming at her in the car and telling us that mommy was going to jail and how she deserved to rot in jail. My sis and I were bawling because we thought our mom was going to jail. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 at the time but i remember it like it was yesterday. These things will stay with children, and stay with you as well.

No one should ever treat you this way, especially someone who is meant to love you and respect you and help you. I would not give this person a second chance. Doing this will only continue the cycle of abuse. Please contact woman's aid and lean on your family and friends for support.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, when he realises you are not taking him back, expect the abuse to start all over again.

- You're an effing this that and the other.
- When your daughter is old enough he'll tell her exactly what sort of person you are.
- How could you break up the family
- It's obvious to him now that you never loved him. If you did you wouldn't be able to walk away so easily.
- You'll never find anyone, nobody will want you
- Who are you riding? There must be someone else

Etc etc etc...

It will be difficult for you to hear but you know what, rather than let it upset you, have a little bit of fun with it. You can play "Bitter ex Bingo". Every time he says one of the above check it off your card! See how long it takes you to get a "full house"!

You don't need him. As someone else said you're a single mother as it is.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your comments.
At the moment, I feel really guilty. I think it is because he is very upset but I told him he left me only last week crying. Bag of chips, he has already told me I am breaking up the family.
At the moment he is on the way to my mothers house, I do not know why. My mum rang me and told me.
Thank you all for your support, I just needed the reassurance that I'm not wrong.

Big Bag of Chips

Of course he's very upset. You dumped him. He never thought you'd do it. He thought if anyone held all the cards in this relationship it was him. Sure he could do what he liked and you'd put up with it. You've bruised his ego. He was the big man, throwing things at you, having you running around after him desperate to please him.. And now he's dumped.

I'd be asking him why he carried on like he did? On what planet did he think that was ok? And did he really expect you to be grateful to have him in your life. Actually, I wouldn't bother. You'll never get straight answers from him, and he will even turn it around to somehow be all your fault (there's another one for your bingo card!)

You'll be wasting your time trying to talk to him and reason with him because as far as he's concerned he's the one who is hard done by! Just remind yourself... You didn't break up the family, his behaviour did. If he wasn't such a dickhead you wouldn't be where you are now.

Not one poster has said to give him another chance.. That's because the posters here have either seen it all through bitter personal experience, or have read it all over and over here with always the same outcome. Don't let him wear you down. The tears are because he feels sorry for himself not for the things he's done. Nobody does that stuff "by accident".

stargazer 68

And tell your mother not to entertain him either!

Stavro Mueller

I hope you're OK. And no, this isn't me looking for an update. I don't like the sound of him trying to get round you by going to your mother's house. He sounds like an awful yoke and I really hope your mum took your side, not his.

ABajaninCork

"Should you take him back?'' HELL NO!!

He's a selfish, childish, immature baby, who keeps running back to Mummy when things get too hot. You've got one child already, OP. You don't need another.

FurBabyMomma

You poor thing and your poor child having putting up with that. You have ABSOLUTELY done the right thing for the both of you. Abusers will throw a few crumbs of niceness your way to give you hope they'll change - they don't, they just want to keep you hooked. Don't fall for his lies and attempts to get you back, you and your child will both have a better life.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so far for your support it is greatly appreciated. You really do not know what it means, I feel I am doing the wrong thing but also the right thing.
I did ask him why he did it, he said he has scared himself with his actions and he knows he will never do anything like that again.
People have being telling him for months he needs to step in and do some work with the family but it is now he only realises.
My mother said he admitted he did wrong but he didn't admit everything. My mum asked him why he treated me so bad and he said I did rise him. He cried to my mum saying he wants his family back not just our child but me too.
I feel horrible.
Mum asked him will I tell Mary you called, he said do if you like. I'm pretending it never happened

Big Bag of Chips

So what happens if you "rise" him again? And how did you rise him in the first place? By doing a s**t job of his washing?

OP, please.. stay strong. He won't change. He won't suddenly become a model boyfriend that all your friends are jealous of. If you take him back he will - for maybe a few weeks, and then bit by bit he'll be back lying on the couch and you will be doing everything in the house. He will call you names. He will tell your child how useless you are.

Your mother raised you to be worth more than that. And you will raise your childto be worth more than that. If your mother knew all of it do you think she would be giving him any airtime? Would you raise your son to think that was the way to carry on? If you suspected your daughter was in a similar relationship in 30 years time would you want her to stick it out and try "fix" him, or would you want her to have the pride and courage to say "enough".

edit: - By the way - mark "it's your fault" off your bingo card.. he's doing good. You'll have a full house by the weekend I'd say!

ceadaoin.

You do everything on your own anyway, you might as well be a single parent. Do not give him another chance. If you are even considering it then think of your child. Seeing her mother being screamed at, being told to say her mother is a bitch. That is going to stay with her and affect her view of relationships and how she deserves to be treated. Don't do that to her.

bp

While I have to agree you are doing the right thing may I ask what he was like before he lost his job? I think he definitely needs counselling. And even if you have broken up for good going to some of the sessions too may help him have a better relationship with You and your child.

I am just playing devils advocate as I said you are doing the right thing

Starokan

His behaviour will not change, let him back into your life and within a few weeks you will find life has returned to "normal"

Stay well clear of him, you reap what you sow , he will have to deal with this , it is a tough lesson but in time it might actually make him a better person. Go live your life and find love with someone who might actually respect you

Oink

OP, you deserve better, your child deserves better. You have a partner, a child, a mother who supports you, a job, how can you be miserable?

Well, just because of him.

That's it, isnt it? Life would be pretty good if you werent in a toxic relationship. He is supposed to be your partner in life, and yet he is apparently the main cause of your unhappiness.

Walk away, dont look back. Live your life, enjoy your child. I hope he gets better with professional help.

"Sometimes you just have to
Walk away
Walk away..."

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you can always give him "another last chance" without actually getting back with him. He is still the father of your child. He should still have access to the child. Take them for a few hours, over nights etc. He should want to do this, and it should be done without hassle. He shouldn't be ringing you to cancel, or come collect the baby early or whatever.

You can see how you both get on over the next few months. If he is that desperate to prove himself to you, and to be with you, then he won't mind a few months in between.

My guess is, it won't be long until he reverts back to normal. Blaming you for his failings. Giving out because you dare ask him to build a relationship with his child.

But, for your own peace of mind, you'll have given him that chance that he is begging for. Then all you have to do is sit back and wait for him to wreck it.

ABajaninCork

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, you can always give him "another last chance" without actually getting back with him. He is still the father of your child. He should still have access to the child. Take them for a few hours, over nights etc. He should want to do this, and it should be done without hassle. He shouldn't be ringing you to cancel, or come collect the baby early or whatever.

You can see how you both get on over the next few months. If he is that desperate to prove himself to you, and to be with you, then he won't mind a few months in between.

My guess is, it won't be long until he reverts back to normal. Blaming you for his failings. Giving out because you dare ask him to build a relationship with his child.

But, for your own peace of mind, you'll have given him that chance that he is begging for. Then all you have to do is sit back and wait for him to wreck it.

I was just going to say the same thing! I reckon he'll soon tire of playing Daddy and will find an excuse either not to pick up the child, (he'll say why should he mind her whilst you're off gallivanting :rolleyes:) or palm her off on to his Mummy.

Candy_Girl

Sounds like he's using the guilt card....don't let him get to you, you're both better off without him.

maria34

So that little fecker went to manipulate your mum ( so he can manipulate you too) my ex was exact the same crybaby and flowerman. Nothing changed. Went to talk with my parents etc.
he does not change. He is a bully. What kind of dad tells his child to call mum a bitch? Your eyes open once you meet somebody who loves you really.

Chemical Byrne

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, you can always give him "another last chance" without actually getting back with him. He is still the father of your child. He should still have access to the child. Take them for a few hours, over nights etc. He should want to do this, and it should be done without hassle. He shouldn't be ringing you to cancel, or come collect the baby early or whatever.

You can see how you both get on over the next few months. If he is that desperate to prove himself to you, and to be with you, then he won't mind a few months in between.

My guess is, it won't be long until he reverts back to normal. Blaming you for his failings. Giving out because you dare ask him to build a relationship with his child.

But, for your own peace of mind, you'll have given him that chance that he is begging for. Then all you have to do is sit back and wait for him to wreck it.

To be honest from what she describes, he doesn't even have much of an interest in the child. And from what she says he said to the child I would not be too keen on leaving him alone with a child either.
This guy is a top notch muppet. A man baby if there ever was one.
You and your child are well to be shot of a clown like this OP, he's not a good role model and has demonstrated that he is a poor parent.

As far as I'm concerned there is something actually wrong with someone who won't care for their own child.

Big Bag of Chips

Whether or not he has no interest in the child or is a poor parent he still will be given access to the child. Plenty of poor parents have fulltime custody of their children, unfortunately.

The only saving grace OP is that as others have said his mother will probably be the one who will actually be doing the minding when he takes the child.

ash23

OP you're already living the life of a single parent. The only thing that will change by making the break from him is that you won't feel resentful of him not helping and you won't have to live with his abuse when he is around. Also, your child will not be seeing the abuse and being dragged into it too.

Get away from him as quick as you can. You don't want your baby growing up seeing this as a normal relationship.