Worried I might be bad for my girlfriend?

LegacyUser

We've been going out for the past five years and things have always quite good to me apart from the fact that she can be VERY insecure at times. But she's always been very reassurable and I've previously just kind of chalked things up to the thought that that's just the way things were. But I've been doing a lot of thinking and going back to what I know she was like before she met me and I think her life has definitely disimproved since then.

Before we met, she was very much fascinated by her college course. Her life pretty much revolved around it and she thought nothing of going in early or going back in to do more work in the evenings. She was contemplating traveling places to experience work in those other places and she had a small group of equally obsessed friends. For the most part, she was happy.

Then she met me. Similarly obsessed with work but with a large interest in solo hobbies (gaming, art, music etc. etc.). We started dating and her interest in work fell off dramatically (to the extent that as I kept trying to go back in to finish things up or do additional projects, she got quite annoyed and upset that I wasn't trying to spend that time with her).

It feels to me that she's taken all that energy that used to towards work and hobbies and devoted it almost entirely to me. The issue being that I really don't think that that's normal and I don't want a life like that. I'm interested in sharing my life with someone, not splitting mine down the middle and living half a life each to make up one whole one jointly.

It seems to be getting worse all the time. Especially since we moved to a new city. She finds it difficult to socialise with people and it seems to be made worse for her whenever I have to go and do so. I don't see any friends outside of work hours because I don't really have that many fullstop and none really here. But I've attended work functions outside of these times and every time I'm either called back by her or phoned while out (I'm assuming that she's checking up on me, though exactly what it is I'm doing is beyond me).

I'm not expecting any solutions to come forth from this as I know I couldn't possibly have provided enough detail (sorry, but I really don't understand why she's so insecure and I can't pinpoint what would help others help me to resolve this).

What I'd really appreciate is some input as to what questions I should be asking?

Thanks,
Ger.

DukeOfTheSharp

It seems like she has horrific anxiety problems. And I mean, full-blown anxiety issues that stem from the fact that she's bad at splitting her focus. It could also be that she was 'obsessed' with her work, people who have that mentality tend to either stick with it whole hog, or outright abandon it for something else. It's gotten so bad that she's become riddled with anxiety for things she need not worry about, but still feels like she has to, she's living the whole 'self-fulfilling prophecy' idea. Honestly, your best bet is to sit down with her and have a very long, very serious and very focused discussion about her attitude and anxiety because her abandoning her potential career and plans for you isn't healthy. Advise her to see a councilor or go to the doctor and try a trial run of anti-anxiety medication, and see how things go from there. You shouldn't put the blame on yourself, given the way her obsessive attitude was, she's more than likely prone to over-compensating when it comes to everything, be it a career (going abroad with a dozen or so future plans too) or a relationship (becoming so obsessed with what you're doing/who you're with that she's neglecting her own life as a result). On top of all of that, she can't see the forest from the trees and believes her life can't be split between her relationship and her career.

Her difficulty (or inability) to socialise in new locations shows that she may have some very bad, almost chronic anxiety issues which cause her to brush off any potentially new interactions and latch onto you for support. She can't live like that and the truth is that right now, talking to someone and getting herself the right anti-anxiety medication could do her a lot of good. Just make sure to remind her that you're not judging, that anxiety is a serious issue and that it can't hurt to try.