Am I turning into my dad

LegacyUser

I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. I feel like its getting worse and worse. I have never felt this bad.

I'm in college and have been living away from home since September. I like my course and its something I am so grateful to have. I had a very dysfunctional family growing up. My dad had major alcohol problems and extreme paranoia/schizophrenia to which I really became aware of the true extent from about 2nd year of secondary school. Dad has gotten alot better now after reaching rock bottom the summer before my leaving cert but I feel like it's only hitting me now how bad things had gotten with him. I have so many memories of horrible things that he did due to his alcoholism/paranoia and it feels like they are slowly trying to drive me crazy. I'm not sure if they've done it already even.

Dad is still a really tough person to be around and I headed back to my house for college as soon as I could after Christmas and I'm so happy to have it as a place to go to. I haven't really made any friends since I started college but I get on well with one of the people I live with so I'm happy for that. The reason I think I'm going 'crazy' is because I am feeling guilty for things I have never done and I am constantly worrying about things that are impossible. As I type this I am worrying about things that part of me knows are ridiculous. I am really worried that I am turning into how my dad was and that is something that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

I can't sleep properly and when I wake up at night I feel almost possessed with worry and fear over things that are literally impossible. My friends from school are sort of just dissipating and no body really texts me or anything anymore. I've been typing this for ages and I haven't even scratched the surface of how I feel. The only people I've talked to in person in the last few days are bus drivers and that's just saying thanks.

I'm sorry if this is all really incoherent but I literally can't describe how I feel. I don't know how to fix this. I want to be able to go places without feeling like I'm dragging huge weights behind me and I want to be able to genuinely be happy again but I don't know how. Who can I even talk to when I literally have no one to talk to.

sadie06

You should be really proud of yourself for how well you are doing considering all the anxiety you are experiencing. You are functioning and attending college and that is a real achievement.

You need to avail of a counselling service as soon as possible. Your college should have one, and if there is a big waiting list, get them to recommend a free service nearby. Talking through your past experiences, and even better, learning how to dismiss negative thoughts will benefit you hugely.

Have you joined any societies or clubs? Please look into this as a way to make friends and occupy your mind and de-stress. Your school friendships don't have to disappear completely if you don't want them to. Be the person who sends the text or makes the call. Things are naturally moving on and changing, but if there are a few people that you really want to be a part of your life, make it happen.


I wish you luck and happiness as you have been through a lot. You sound like a very strong person, and a few small steps in the right direction should make all the difference.

Wabbit Ears

First off, No one is their parents. You can chose to make the same bad choices as they did which is the easy path as that what you already know, but really you need to seek help in making better choices than they did.

Goto the university/college webpage and avail of the free counselling available to students.

http://www.dcu.ie/students/counselling/index.shtml
http://www.ucd.ie/studentcounselling/
http://www2.ul.ie/web/WWW/Services/Student_Affairs/Student_Supports/Student_Counselling

and so on..

pookie82

loginsignuphelp wrote: »

I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. I feel like its getting worse and worse. I have never felt this bad.

I'm in college and have been living away from home since September. I like my course and its something I am so grateful to have. I had a very dysfunctional family growing up. My dad had major alcohol problems and extreme paranoia/schizophrenia to which I really became aware of the true extent from about 2nd year of secondary school. Dad has gotten alot better now after reaching rock bottom the summer before my leaving cert but I feel like it's only hitting me now how bad things had gotten with him. I have so many memories of horrible things that he did due to his alcoholism/paranoia and it feels like they are slowly trying to drive me crazy. I'm not sure if they've done it already even.

Dad is still a really tough person to be around and I headed back to my house for college as soon as I could after Christmas and I'm so happy to have it as a place to go to. I haven't really made any friends since I started college but I get on well with one of the people I live with so I'm happy for that. The reason I think I'm going 'crazy' is because I am feeling guilty for things I have never done and I am constantly worrying about things that are impossible. As I type this I am worrying about things that part of me knows are ridiculous. I am really worried that I am turning into how my dad was and that is something that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

I can't sleep properly and when I wake up at night I feel almost possessed with worry and fear over things that are literally impossible. My friends from school are sort of just dissipating and no body really texts me or anything anymore. I've been typing this for ages and I haven't even scratched the surface of how I feel. The only people I've talked to in person in the last few days are bus drivers and that's just saying thanks.

I'm sorry if this is all really incoherent but I literally can't describe how I feel. I don't know how to fix this. I want to be able to go places without feeling like I'm dragging huge weights behind me and I want to be able to genuinely be happy again but I don't know how. Who can I even talk to when I literally have no one to talk to.

You mention that things hit rock bottom as recently the summer before your LC with your dad. I take it since you mention only living away from home since September that this was the summer just gone? Meaning he possibly wasn't addressing his condition properly until then.

The fact that you've even written this post means you are not him. If you're already aware something is not right, you're not your father who, it sounds, has possibly lived in denial for years or if not, at least hasn't kept on top of the steps he needs to take and maintain to make sure he's looking after himself.

It sounds like you went through a lot watching his deterioration and often when we go through something like that, we don't come up against the after effects of it until the situation has long passed. Don't beat yourself up about your current anxiety; instead, recognise that it is often a very NORMAL reaction to a traumatic event and you have the power to deal with it and change it. After going through something similar myself recently it was hugely helpful for me to sit in a counsellor's office and hear that after what I'd been through, my anxiety was actually a very normal reaction, and not an abnormal one!

Since you're in college, a counsellor should be easy enough to come by. Make an appointment to see them immediately, tell them how you're feeling, and they will guide you from there.

You're not turning into your dad if you can recognise that you need help and are willing to take it. In fact, if that's the case, you'll be the opposite of what it sounds like he might have been, which is perhaps someone who self medicated (you mention alcoholism) to avoid the real problem.

It took a lot of courage to even write this post and the acknowledgment that things aren't as they should be in your life at the moment is a huge sign you'll be nothing like him. Best of luck OP.

SATSUMA

That's alot to be carrying around with you. Totally take the advice given and go see your college counsellor. The first step is the hardest but once you can address your issues in a safe place with that support you will feel SO much better. There's a better way for you to feel, i promise.