Feelings for a girl in a relationship

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm in bad need of some advice. Im in my early 20s, and I have extremely strong feelings for a girl, so strong I'd make her my girlfriend in the morning if I could. The problem is, she already has a boyfriend. She's been going out with him for around 5 years with some short break ups. During one of this break ups I was with her once, but that was it I was never with her before or since. However i have been texting her, almost daily or at least a couple of times a week for the past 3 years.

I don't see her in person very often, and when I do its on a night out so I never get to have proper conversations with her. But when I'm texting her, I feel a connection I've never felt with any other girl. I'm always wary that I'll end up as just a friend to her, but she has told me she is attracted to me but she obviously can't act on it.

I've been with other girls since but never in a serious way. It's now gotten to the stage where I feel severe jealously when it comes to her. I think about her most of the day and as hard as I try I can't get her out of my head.

Unfortunately it doesn't look as if her relationship is going to end anytime soon, and even if/when it does I'm aware of at least two other guys interested in her who she would probably be more attracted to than me, although these guys would just be interested in a one night stand or a short fling I think.

What should I do? How can I get her out of my head? Should I tell her how i feel? She knows that I'm attracted to her but she doesn't know to what extent. She has told me that she feels a really strong connection to me that she probably doesn't fell with anyone else and she tells me very intimate things, without ever using me or taking advantage of me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Tokyo

I think that you need to take a step back from this girl, in terms of nights out and text messages - daily text messages aren't remotely giving you a chance to stop thinking about her. Regardless of whether she's telling you that she's attracted to you, she's in a 5 year relationship and has made it pretty clear that the situation there isn't going to change. In a lot of ways what she's doing is unfair, because she's aware that you have feelings for her, and is stringing you along somewhat in terms of keeping you on the hook but has no intention of letting it go any further. I suspect that she is using you to fill the emotional gaps in her own relationship.

If you've discussed feelings already, then I'd be honest with her - tell her that you are attracted to her, and that it's unhealthy at the moment given the fact that she is a long term relationship with another man and that's something that is not going to changes soon, and that you need time and space away from her to get past that. And follow through on it.

LegacyUser

Sounds like she's stringing you along and possibly a couple of other lads too, keeping you handy for the next break-up she has with her fella.

Besides that, if this connection she says she feels with you really meant anything and she already knows you're attracted to her, she'd have done something before now. She hasn't though and I doubt she ever will. I doubt also that this purported connection really exists on her end, talk is cheap, actions say much more. Scale back the contact gradually, then go and find someone who isn't attached and make something happen with them instead of wasting your time on this.

Mr. Incognito

WHY WHY WHY

Would you want to be with a girl who is in a five year relationship and is texting at least THREE other lads saying that she fancies them on a daily basis.

I would feel pity for her boyfriend is obviously being taken for a mug and delete this attention seeking selfish moron from your life.

I don't care if she is the best looking girl in the world, she is obviously a horrible bint.

Go find someone that is

A. Available
B. Worth it.

Augme

Move on OP. You should really set your standards higher than this and have more confidence in yourself instead of being someones lap-dog.

stargazer 68

Anonymous2015 wrote: »

Hi,

but she has told me she is attracted to me but she obviously can't act on it.

Yes Op she could if she wanted to but she doesn't want to! Stop the texting - its not helping. She is loving the attention and you are just feeding it!

retro:electro

I cannot tell you how much I despise it when girls do this. Either be in a relationship and be committed and faithful or be single and be as flirtatious as you like. Op this girl sounds like an out and out attention seeker. She loves the attention she gets from you; no doubt you tell her how pretty and lovely she is, I bet she even looks to you for reassurance and validation. That's all you are to her I'm afraid, someone to boost her ego.
Would you really "make her your girlfriend in the morning" knowing she has the potential to text other guys behind her boyfriend of 5yrs' back? Don't be fooled for a minute into thinking you're the only guy she has this "connection" with; you're not. Cut her out and move on. Focus your attention on someone single.

Panda_Turtle

Definitely delete this woman from your life, she is evil and like others have said is using the attention as fuel.

glassdaisies

I've been there, and trust me, you're only hurting yourself. Move on, cold turkey. Just stop talking to her altogether. If she asks why, tell her the truth. That you can't keep her on the back burner forever and you need to move on. It will be hard, but I really think it's the best thing for you in the end.

mada82

She's using you as an ego boost.
You'd wanna hope her bf doesn't find out about you either.

She is probably the type who would love the drama of two lads fighting over her.

Also you should be ashamed of your own behaviour in this too.

Yurt2

She's a validation junkie and you are the substance she's using. She's aware of your feelings, she just doesn't care. You and the other blokes keep the validation flowing, and she has a boyfriend to boot, why would she change the situation? Life is A-OK at the moment as it stands. You are being played like a fiddle young man.

Stavro Mueller

OP, this situation can't continue indefinitely and at some stage you are going to have to pull the plug and face up to the heartbreak that it shall entail. A telling line in your original post is During one of these break ups I was with her once, but that was it I was never with her before or since. So in other words, despite getting with her during one of the break-ups, she chose her boyfriend over you and has never been back to you for an encore.

I've no doubt she knows exactly how you feel but likes things the way they are. Why wouldn't she? She has the best of both worlds: a boyfriend and a long-term relationship I assume she's happy in. And then the ego boost that is you and possibly others texting her. If you stopped texting in the morning how badly off would she be? She'd still have her boyfriend to fall back on.

The only loser in this is going to be you. I think you sense that even if she did split up with her boyfriend, it's not to you she'd be turning. So in other words, you're putting your life on hold for a fantasy. Also, there's a good chance that in the next few years she might move in with her boyfriend, have kids with him, maybe get married. All the time while you stand on the sidelines, hanging onto her hollow words.

Zen65

Anonymous2015 wrote: »

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Stop appreciating, start heeding. You're wasting your life with this girl and it's costing her nothing. Get a life of your own before you wake up one day and realise the most important years of your youth were spent in self-imposed misery.

ILikeBananas

I'm sorry to say it OP but this girl most likely sees you as some kinda of de-sexualized male-a eunuch if you will. You have her up on this pedestal and worship and adore her. You probably wonder what it is that she sees in her boyfriend. You'd treat her like a princess. You're there for you when she needs you. He on the other hand, probably takes her for granted. You probably think he doesn't deserve her.

I'm afraid to say OP that even if they do break up it's highly unlikely that she'll suddenly want to start a relationship with you. She just doesn't see you in that way. You're "just a friend" to her. You have a close bond but don't for minute confuse that with a sexual attraction.

She's using you in a cruel, selfish way. You're merely an emotional tampon she's using to boost her own ego. If you tell her about the depth of feelings you have for her she'll most likely feign ignorance but she knows exactly how you feel about her. She's just not all that interested in acknowledging it. The status quo suits her perfectly. She has her boyfriend to take her of her basic needs and uses you (and god knows how many others) for any other emotional top ups she requires from time to time.

This will never work out the way you hope. As others have said the best thing you can do for your own sanity is to cut and run. Don't feel guilty about 'abandoning' her. She'll do just fine.

I have been you OP. I don't envy you. I learned my lesson the hard way and I'm all the better for it now. It was a good life lesson.

Best of luck. Be strong.