Worried about potential emigration

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for several years, we are both mid/late 20s. He has been in a good job with an international company since he left college and has progressed well, but the local office has been downsized and it looks like it will be closed in the next year or so. He had a meeting with his boss who said they're keen to keep him on in the company and asked would he consider transferring to the Canadian office - if this happens, it will probably be before Christmas this year. My boyfriend has asked me if i will go with him if he moves.

I have a reasonable job here myself, and i mostly enjoy it, but i'm not paid as well as my boyfriend is and there isn't much scope for progression long-term. I haven't really looked into my job prospects in Canada at this point, as that's not really what's been worrying me the most.

Basically, i'm upset at the thought of being so far away from my friends and my family, especially if it's a permanent move. I don't think i'd be as concerned about moving to somewhere in Europe (which isn't an option for his job, by the way, as Ireland is their only European office) as there are cheap flights and stuff and i'd probably get home a few times a year, while Canada is far away, expensive to get to and has big time differences. I'm upset at the thought of missing my nephews and nieces grow up, my future children not knowing their relatives, or maybe something happening to my parents and me not being there. I'm worried about being lonely and finding it hard to make friends. And i suppose there's always the possibility that i wouldn't find a job and would be dependent on my boyfriend for a while, which i'd hate.

I've talked to him about it, but he doesn't personally have the same concerns - his family live in various different countries and it doesn't seem to bother them much.

I know i'm probably overthinking this, and i know that other people have moved from Ireland to Canada and Australia and places and they've been fine. I know Canada has a good quality of life, i've been there once and i really liked it (although visiting somewhere and living somewhere can be very different). And i don't want to break up with my boyfriend, i can't imagine life without him. Nothing is set yet, but if he gets a formal offer to go to Canada should i just take the plunge and go with him?

Ande1975

OP,

That really is a hard one, however, take a moment and breathe

This isn't happening next week, next month even so first of all things could completely change and your bf might find an even better role and not move at all. Problem solved. How does that feel to you? Just think about that for a while. The problem has gone away. Reason I ask this as sometimes when we don't have to make the decision, we can either feel relieved or slightly disappointed but either way it reveals our real feelings about a hard decision.

Now lets just say he does take the role and you are moving. How does that feel?
What if you go for a few years but both of you decide you both want to be back home. That's also a possibility.
Not sure where in Canada the role is based but if its Toronto, there are flights all year round and your parents could travel to see you/vice versa.

I think though its a choice between your bf and your life here. Which would you miss the most?

Write all these things down on paper. Put it away. Take it out in a few weeks and see if you still feel the same way.

No one can advise you what to do OP but having faced tough decisions before, that's what I've done and its helped. Otherwise you'll spiral and upset yourself.

Good luck,
A

Matteroffact

You can always give it a try and if it doesn't work out for you come home again. You could also let him go and see how you feel without him and if that doesn't feel good then you can make the decision to join him. It will become clearer to you as time goes on.

iusedtoknow

I've been through the move process for a company (from EU to USA)

We went through every thought you are having as well - we are also 3 years into our life here in the USA and couldn't be happier. We had the added complication that my wife has just fully qualified as a Doctor in Spain, and was going to have to go through her residency again in the US.
We weighed everything up, my career track, hers. In the end the pros outweighed the cons only by 3 points. So we took the plunge.

Your BF's company will handle everything as per the move and helping you get set up. Depending on the company they will even pay for one flight back per year for you both (ours do). We both get "europe sick". I am lucky in that I fly back a few times a year for work, and my wife joins me when she can. In the three years here, she has been back 4 times and when she's there, actually misses the US.

It takes a while to get comfortable, but as Ande says...make a list of the pro's and cons - then try and put it out of your mind for a while and let it all settle.

strandroad

potentialemigrant wrote: »

if this happens, it will probably be before Christmas this year. My boyfriend has asked me if i will go with him if he moves.

What do you think would happen if you said no? Would he be willing to reconsider his plans (he is asking you to change your after all), or is he basically giving you a "my way or the highway" choice?

LegacyUser

OP here again, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I would thank all your posts but can’t because i’m posting anonymously.

Ande1975 wrote: »

OP,

That really is a hard one, however, take a moment and breathe

<SNIP>

I know, i should calm down but i’m a worrier by nature and also terrible for the negative ‘what if…?;’ scenarios that may never actually happen. Writing it all down helped a lot though, i haven’t really talked to anyone except him about it because i don’t want any fuss. It’s also possible that i’m feeling more sentimental etc because we've just had Christmas and have been spending time with my family.

The office is in Vancouver so a bit further away and i think an eight hour time difference, it is still a popular destination though so i’m sure there are regular flights.

I would miss my boyfriend a lot if he moved and i stayed behind. I don’t want to break up and neither does he. And i suppose i can’t stay in the country forever just in case something happens to my parents, they’re only late 50s/early 60s and in good health so they might be absolutely fine for the next 20 years. I’m just terrible for imagining worst cases.

I’ll do what you suggested and write down bullet points, and then try to forget about it for a few weeks – it’s not as if he would be making a decision tomorrow.

Matteroffact wrote: »

You can always give it a try and if it doesn't work out for you come home again. You could also let him go and see how you feel without him and if that doesn't feel good then you can make the decision to join him. It will become clearer to you as time goes on.

Thank you, you are right – nothing in life is permanent, and i might regret not doing something more than i would regret doing it.

iusedtoknow wrote: »

I've been through the move process for a company (from EU to USA)

We went through every thought you are having as well - we are also 3 years into our life here in the USA and couldn't be happier. We had the added complication that my wife has just fully qualified as a Doctor in Spain, and was going to have to go through her residency again in the US.
We weighed everything up, my career track, hers. In the end the pros outweighed the cons only by 3 points. So we took the plunge.
<SNIP>

That’s really helpful, thanks – i was hoping that someone who had done something similar would respond. I’ll bear in mind to ask him if his company does anything like flights home for international staff, it is a global company so it’s possible that they would.

mhge wrote: »

What do you think would happen if you said no? Would he be willing to reconsider his plans (he is asking you to change your after all), or is he basically giving you a "my way or the highway" choice?

No i don’t think he’s giving me a ‘my way or the highway’ choice, nothing is definite at this point but he was asking me if i would consider it if he got a formal offer. He probably would reconsider his plans if i dug my heels in and refused to go, but then on the other hand i don’t want to hold him back and career-wise it would be a very good move for him.

dudara

OP - I snipped some of the quoted posts in your response. Please try not to quote entire posts, especially if they are lengthy, as it makes it hard for mobile users to read.

dudara

stinkle

Hey.

I moved to west coast USA recently, so same time difference as Vancouver. It was a really tough thing to do, and in our case it was me "dragging" OH with me. It's had its ups and downs but for us has been a worthwhile adventure. One thing that helps is that this isnt forever - neither of us has concrete ambitions to stay here or go back to Ireland, we're just trying to enjoy the new place and get the most out of it.

I was here alone for the first while and we both hated that situation, even though we knew it was temporary from day one. I will say though that it meant I put myself out more - contacted all the randomers that family and friends had put me in touch with, went exploring in a way I never did at home, chatted to more neighbours in a week than I did in 5 years living in my old place!

The time difference can be a pain alright, and I felt it most while living alone of course - come home after a day of work and no one's awake. Even boards gets quiet! Then I didnt want to be making personal calls through the work day when everyone back home was awake. BUT....it was nice to have that quiet time too I'll admit. SOmetimes we can be too contactable. I did wish I;d moved to the east coast as even that is easier to get home from and time difference isnt so bad.

I totally get that you dont want to miss family stuff too. So far I;ve missed Christmas and some significant birthdays. A fair few people got engaged over Christmas and it looks like a few weddings will be missed too. It wasn't as bad as I thought though. It was just different.

Homesickness is normal though and not anything to be ashamed of. It;s also ok to overthink stuff right now, I'm sure you must have a million things going round your head. Do write them down and make a list of pros and cons. Do communicate with each other a lot on this too. Maybe look into the area - Vancouver is really lovely and there's tons to do and see around. I'm not too far away and am getting excited about skiing and visiting places for weekends and the like. People are also very friendly in this part of the world. Another friend who emigrated recently had a similar plan and has a big list of places to visit along with a vow to do something cool every 6 weeks or so, money-permitting. NOw that my OH is here I'm like a child planning trips too, though we're currently skint! There's a few ways to look on the bright side and make the most of your adventure. You might end up having lots of visitors too, and if his job is transferring you guys then hopefully you'll be set up somewhere nice with a bit of space for guests. If they take care of the move it'll cut down on initial expenditure and hassle with finding a place, and it'd be fab if you got flights home.

Best of luck whatever you decide. One thing that stuck in my mind when contemplating the move was when a friend asked if I'd regret it otherwise, and I would. Even if this experience turned sour then at least we gave it our best shot.