Am I right to feel upset about this?

LegacyUser

So I married my husband last year. We are both in our thirties and were seeing each other for 2 years before getting married.

He has a number of female friends and I'm completely fine with that. I trust him. I know he would never cheat and that's not the issue of what Im about to say.

Basically, he slipped into conversation yesterday that he has made plans to go to the cinema next week with a girl he used to work with. I know this girl as I've met her at previous work events and shes always been very friendly to me.

I know hes been friends with her since just after we before we began seeing each other. I think he did a few things just the two of them at that time ( went for coffee etc) but shes been out of the picture to a large extent since we started going out.

Recently I've noticed him posting a lot of stuff on her facebook page and vice verse and commenting on each others pages too. He likes everything she posts and she posts a lot. I've also spotted an increased number of texts being received from her (I dont go snooping but I often see new message alerts from her)

She is younger than myself and particularly attractive.
While i know he would never cheat on me , I cant help but think that he must be very attracted to her and lusting for her. And to be honest, it leaves me feeling a bit crap.

I have no problem with them being friends , I just think it seems a bit much to be going to the cinema just the two of them, it seems very 'datey' and I'm really uncomfortable with it.

How do I approach this with him without coming across badly? should I even approach it at all or am I being out of line? Would this make other people feel uncomfortable?

lovelyjubbly

Go with them!

seventeen sheep

If he was going to the cinema with a very good-looking male friend of his, would you be worried?

Personally I don't see anything to be concerned about. You've said yourself that you trust him and that he wouldn't cheat.

m'lady

I can understand your concerns, I don't think I'd be too comfortable with this, and I also don't think my OH would be impressed if I did it. A trip to the cinema is quite 'datesy', if it was a coffee it probably wouldn't be so bad?

I'd suggest you tell him how you feel, otherwise you will just be feeling very resentful.

Username here

upset wife wrote: »

... it seems very 'datey' and I'm really uncomfortable with it....

I think that would be a good way to open the conversation with your husband. If it's making you uncomfortable, it's surely worth having a conversation about it.

Mr. Incognito

If they are childhood friends maybe.

After that i think you are entitled to say no.

He is supposed to respect you

honey79

Tell him your not happy with this - I wouldn't be happy with it either it's ok for men and women to be friends but cinema but be a no no for me as a single woman I wouldn't go to the cinema with a married friend either

jopax

I would feel uncomfortable with this for sure.
No matter how much I trust my husband, something just would not sit right with me about this.
Also off the topic, it would make me wounder why she feels perfectly fine going to the pictures with someone else husband.
If I was her I would not want to get too close to someone else's husband.
It's all a bit too much of anything goes kind of attitude for my liking.

strobe

I've been to the cinema with male friends, female friends, my brother... It's sitting and watching a movie for 90 minutes or so. Some people go on dates to the cinema (for reasons that escape me - crap idea for a date in general) but going to the cinema is not inherently 'datey' at all. Most cinema goings are between friends, not people on a date.

I think your 'she's younger than me and pretty' comment says it all OP tbf, that seem to be what this is about moreso than anything? What do you reckon?

You say you know he would never cheat. You say you trust him. If you believe that why should him going to the cinema with one of his friends bother you?

tinkerbell

No, just no. This is completely inappropriate. She's not a long time friend of his and tbh the whole idea doesn't sit well with me. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot he'd have an issue with it. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. He only got to know her about 3 years ago and then hasn't had much contact in the last 3 years and now has made plans to go on a cinema trip with her? That is weird.

Plus other people will think it weird (even if he does not) - eg if they run into a friend of yours or his at the cinema, how odd is it gonna look? Even if you trust him, if mutual friends see him there by himself with a woman who is not a longtime friend and you're not there, they are gonna think something is going on and people are gonna start gossiping.

And I'd give her the side eye (this friend) on how she thinks it's ok to go to the cinema pretty much on a date with someone else's husband.

Edit: I know people say cinema trips may not be classified as dates to them but if you're good friends, fine. This is not the case here - they haven't had much contact in the last 3 years, now are texting a lot and next thing cinema trip. If they wanted to catch up, they'd be doing it over coffee, not going to the cinema where you're sitting there in silence for 2 hours watching a film. Therefore on that note, I would tell husband that you'd like to come along if he still plans on going. They are not going to the cinema to catch up so he should not have a problem with it.

ElleEm

I completely agree with Strobe.

Your husband has been friends with this woman as long as he has been in a relationship with you. Just because she is a woman does not mean she wants him! I am so shocked by the amount of insecurities on this thread- worrying about how it will look, people gossiping, etc.

If you feel that there is an increased amount of contact, mention it to him. He should be your first port of call in discussing your concerns. He can allay your fears, or explore the issues with you and compromise with you. Keep it casual, though. You won't do yourself any favours by showing mistrust and jealousy.

seventeen sheep

If he was planning/hoping to cheat on you with her, surely he'd be a little bit more discreet? The fact that he's being totally open about his plans (and meeting her in a public place) would suggest that there's nothing dodgy going on.

Is there a reason he didn't ask you to come to? If the two of you don't often go to the cinema together - if it's something he's more interested in than you are - it makes sense that they might decide to go together, especially if she has no one to go with, and if there's a movie they both particularly want to see. I rarely go to the cinema with my boyfriend, he regularly goes with a friend - as far as I know it's usually male friends he goes with, but I wouldn't bat an eyelid if he said he was going with a female friend, nor would I automatically expect to be invited when I don't usually go with him. (Having said that, I'd expect to be welcomed along if I did suggest going with them!)

I'm a bit taken aback by what you said, that "I cant help but think that he must be very attracted to her and lusting for her." Do you lust for every good-looking male acquaintance of yours?

tinkerbell

ElleEm wrote: »

I completely agree with Strobe.

Your husband has been friends with this woman as long as he has been in a relationship with you. Just because she is a woman does not mean she wants him! I am so shocked by the amount of insecurities on this thread- worrying about how it will look, people gossiping, etc.

No, the husband has not been friends with that woman for as long as his relationship with the OP. He was friends with her when they first started dating and then the contact dropped so she has not been in his life for the same amount of time.

It's nothing to do with insecurity either. By all accounts, this woman is just a casual acquaintance, NOT a close friend. I would have no problem if it was a longtime friend but this is not the case here at all. The whole thing is just weird.

bee06

I've been trying to put myself in your position to see how I would feel if my husband said he was going to the cinema with one of his female friends. Like you he has a lot of them and would text, snapchat etc. If he said he was off to the cinema I don't think I'd be bothered. I would think it was a bit random since it would be a first but if you trust him then it shouldn't be equivocal. It shouldnt really matter if he is going to the cinema, for coffee or to the pub with her.

As for the appearance of it, if people see them together and start gossiping that says more about them than anything in my opinion.

Keane2baMused

I think it's very easy for people to throw the 'he's just friends with her big deal' and 'so what if she's a girl' 'you said you trust him' etc..

The OP stated there has been very little contact in recent years and that previously meetups would have been coffee related but as someone already said a quite "datesy" cinema trip. The fact that he has suddenly regained contact with her is obviously going to worry the OP.

My dp has plenty of female friends who he knows for years before me. He'd talk to them from time to time and see them occasionally (for coffee type thing!) when he goes back to where he's from. I've zero issue with any of this. However I do know he would never go to the cinema with them and not invite me along. Just like I would do the same if I was meeting a male friend.

There's a line of appropriate in a relationship and I think that crosses the bounderies.

Midnight Sundance

I actually can't belive that some people don't see how inappropriate this is!
He may not be cheating, may never intend to and more than likely never will but you are leaving the door open to the possibility of it ever happening.
I always look to what I think wod be appropriate in my parents relationship and try use that as a meter stick to measure from. There's no way my dad would be allowed to go to cinema with another woman. Would you be impressed with your dad doing that on your mam? Then why would your husband be able to do that on you.
Meeting her for a coffee or something is far more appropriate in my opinion.
I've plenty of married friends and am friendly with their husbands. I would only text their husbands if it was to do with my friend.
I'd never meet their husbands for a drink unless my friend was with them.
It's also a bit about respect. She should respect he's married and behave accordingly .
I dunno OP, I think you need to talk to your husband and say you feel uncomfortable about this. Would he like you going to cinema with a male friend and texting this friend a lot etc??

bee06

I don't understand why the cinema is seen as inappropriate but coffee or a few drinks isn't? Are they more likely to be driven to having an affair because they are sitting in the dark?

Keane2baMused

bee06 wrote: »

I don't understand why the cinema is seen as inappropriate but coffee or a few drinks isn't? Are they more likely to be driven to having an affair because they are sitting in the dark?

Not trying to be funny here but how many married individuals do you think you could find in the cinema with a friend (or basic aquaintance in reality with the OP's husband) of the opposite sex?

seventeen sheep

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

He may not be cheating, may never intend to and more than likely never will but you are leaving the door open to the possibility of it ever happening.

I would far rather "allow" my partner every opportunity to cheat (if he chose to do so), than attempt to shield him from potential moments of temptation.

If he's going to cheat on me just because he's alone with an attractive woman, then I'd rather go ahead and let him do it (and end the relationship.) Better to get it over with sooner rather than later. However, if I can trust him to be alone with an attractive woman and not cheat on me - which I do - I think it's a sign of a pretty strong healthy relationship.

If he's that weak and unfaithful, he's going to cheat eventually anyways whether it's this time or further down the line. If you can trust him, there's nothing to worry about.

Icaras

What are they going to see?
If it's something you would watch then I'd wonder why he didn't invite you. If it's something you wouldn't like or have said you don't want to see then where's the problem - he's found a buddy who he can see it with.

LegacyUser

My ex husband was like you husband . He had many female friends (more female than male) . I never felt threatened by them because he loved me and sure 'what was the harm ?' He'd head out with them on occasion for a coffee/drink etc but I didn't mind . Well , one day he came home and announced that one of his friends was pregnant with his child . They never meant for it to happen , they were 'just friends ' But , she was there to listen to him and massage his ego and one thing led to another . When we seperated , he didn't move in with her . From what I can see , he had no interest in ever having a relationship with her, he just couldn't resist the opportunity to have sex.
OP , think carefully . I wish I had the benefit of hindsight . If I had , he'd never have gone out alone with female friends . I'd have accompanied them or suggested they have their catch ups in our house . I don't believe my ex ever planned for it to happen and I believe if he could turn back the clock , it never would have . I believe there are instances where males and females can be just friends , but I believe them to be few and far between . Please talk to your husband . Don't look back in the future and wish you had said something .

seventeen sheep

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Not trying to be funny here but how many married individuals do you think you could find in the cinema with a friend (or basic aquaintance in reality with the OP's husband) of the opposite sex?

I really can't imagine it's that uncommon at all! Plenty of married people have friends/colleagues/acquaintances of the opposite sex, with whom they share mutual interests (e.g. movies.)

Hunchback

Relationships can be such a cause for pain. I'm with my OH 13 years.

Even IF they DONT do the dirt, it's bloody annoying to have your other half flirting with somebody else and them flirting with your other half. Some would call it mental infidelity.

Of course, the day will come when you simply won't care about your other half flirting with others. But by then you have long been trapped in a loveless, passionless 'relationship', and have yourself long fantasised about infidelity.

Sorry, I'm no help at all

At least you love him enough to care. It all fades in time

kylith

I don't see anything wrong with them going to the cinema. I've gone to the cinema with male friends while I had a bf, it's nothing to worry about, it's just watching a film.

Your OH is being open and honest with you about his plans, he's not skulking around and lying to you. I suggest that you tell him that you feel a bit uncomfortable and you and he can come to a solution that will keep ye both happy; maybe you could meet them for a drink before or after, or you could go with them. Your partner's reaction to you talking about this will let you know whether you should be concerned or not.

Keane2baMused

seventeen sheep wrote: »

I really can't imagine it's that uncommon at all! Plenty of married people have friends/colleagues/acquaintances of the opposite sex, with whom they share mutual interests (e.g. movies.)

While that's true I would still firmly believe it wouldnt be a common occurance.

bee06

Keane2baMused wrote: »

While that's true I would still firmly believe it wouldnt be a common occurance.

Why does it matter if it's common or not? People shouldn't live their lives based on what is the common thing to do.

Keane2baMused

bee06 wrote: »

Why does it matter if it's common or not? People shouldn't live their lives based on what is the common thing to do.

My point is there is a reason why it would be a rarity. As many would consider it crossing a line.

seventeen sheep

Keane2baMused wrote: »

While that's true I would still firmly believe it wouldnt be a common occurance.

But, why not? 50% of the population is the opposite sex, you're really limiting your social life if you'll only participate in activities with those of your own gender. It's probably much more common than you imagine - especially if the couple had children, meaning it's more difficult for them to go to the cinema separately to each other. So the logical thing is to go with a friend or acquaintance - and so what if the friend is of the opposite sex?

Shrap

seventeen sheep wrote: »

However, if I can trust him to be alone with an attractive woman and not cheat on me - which I do - I think it's a sign of a pretty strong healthy relationship.

Icaras wrote: »

What are they going to see?
If it's something you would watch then I'd wonder why he didn't invite you. If it's something you wouldn't like or have said you don't want to see then where's the problem - he's found a buddy who he can see it with.

I'm with both of these really. I'd be quite hurt if my bf didn't invite me to go along as well, but if he knows already it's something you don't want to see or that you don't go to the cinema, then fair enough.

On that note, my bf doesn't like going to loud gigs any more so while I always ask him, he always says no and I then go and ask another friend or go by myself. Recently I was humming and hawing about an upcoming gig (expensive, and a 3 hr drive away) that I would probably have trouble finding someone to go with for, and he suggested that I go with his good mate (who has recently split from his partner) as he's big into all kinds of music and could do with getting out a bit. There's trust for you! However, I haven't invited his mate, because I have picked up on a vibe from him before now and personally don't trust him to not read more into the invite.

I reckon trust your husband. If he's the man you think he is, then he will be using his judgement and already knows there's nothing more to it than developing a friendship with this woman, not a relationship.

Keane2baMused

seventeen sheep wrote: »

But, why not? 50% of the population is the opposite sex, you're really limiting your social life if you'll only participate in activities with those of your own gender. It's probably much more common than you imagine - especially if the couple had children, meaning it's more difficult for them to go to the cinema separately to each other. So the logical thing is to go with a friend or acquaintance - and so what if the friend is of the opposite sex?

Well for many psychologically it is a completely different thing to go out socially with a member of the opposite sex on a night out.

In an ideal world everyone would be comfortable with any situation involving the opposite sex that doesn't involve intimacy but the world and life is just not that simple.

Addle

I go to the cinema sometimes with a married friend.
His wife isn't into going and we like the same stuff.
His wife doesn't mind. She doesn't see me as a threat to their relationship.
I'm not.

bee06

I think the views on this thread show that different people have very different views on what is appropriate and what's not in a relationship. It's most likely the case that your husband sees no issue with it. So it's important that ye have a discussion on where the boundaries are on situations like this are for your marriage so you both know where you stand. It could well be things that you think are fine that would make him uncomfortable.

Addle

bee06 wrote: »

I think the views on this thread show that different people have very different views on what is appropriate and what's not in a relationship.

It's not about the what, it's about the who.
Going to the cinema isn't the problem, going with another woman is.

strobe

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

I actually can't belive that some people don't see how inappropriate this is!
He may not be cheating, may never intend to and more than likely never will but you are leaving the door open to the possibility of it ever happening.
I always look to what I think wod be appropriate in my parents relationship and try use that as a meter stick to measure from. There's no way my dad would be allowed to go to cinema with another woman. Would you be impressed with your dad doing that on your mam? Then why would your husband be able to do that on you.
Meeting her for a coffee or something is far more appropriate in my opinion.
I've plenty of married friends and am friendly with their husbands. I would only text their husbands if it was to do with my friend.
I'd never meet their husbands for a drink unless my friend was with them.
It's also a bit about respect. She should respect he's married and behave accordingly .
I dunno OP, I think you need to talk to your husband and say you feel uncomfortable about this. Would he like you going to cinema with a male friend and texting this friend a lot etc??

Them going for coffee, or a drink in the pub, or for a walk in the park, or to play bowling, or for lunch, or to Sunday mass together is also leaving the door open to the possibility of them cheating if that's what they want to do, you do realise that?

Keane2baMused

Addle wrote: »

It's not about the what, it's about the who.
Going to the cinema isn't the problem, going with another woman is.

Bee is right though.

People have different beliefs as to what is appropriate and what isn't in a relationship. It doesn't mean either is right or wrong but it's deifinitely something that should be talked about in a relationship.

I wouldn't expect my dp to just go along with something he felt uncomfortable with even if I didn't see a problem with it.

You're only human OP, I'd be jealous too. I think your husband must realise he's being pretty insensitive, and possibly is judging his behaviour by being open with you and waiting for your reaction. You haven't reacted as of yet, so he probably thinks that means everything's fine.

You need to let him know that you're not accusing him of anything, but that his close relationship with an attractive young girl, and his keen interest in her (keeping contact all the time and liking all her facebook stuff) bothers you. He should understand.

If he doesn't try to understand, or if he flies off the handle, that's when I'd worry. Otherwise I'd say he just enjoys her company and is hoping he can do it without upsetting you. You are upset though, so let him know.

Teyla Emmagan

I think it all sounds pretty harmless OP. Maybe he just likes her company? They could have a lot in common, which in no way means he's planning on cheating. I have a great friend who is married who I go to the cinema with, when we are both away from home staying in the same hotel! Imagine the knots his wife could get in over that if she wanted to!

Your husband hasn't done anything suspicious and isn't acting secretive or anything. Therefore I would think it's all innocent and you've nothing to worry about. By all means speak to him though. But i think you're being unfair to him to suspect him of lusting after your woman based on nothing. Just talk to the man!

seventeen sheep

Totallyinappropriate wrote: »

My ex husband was like you husband . He had many female friends (more female than male) . I never felt threatened by them because he loved me and sure 'what was the harm ?' He'd head out with them on occasion for a coffee/drink etc but I didn't mind . Well , one day he came home and announced that one of his friends was pregnant with his child . They never meant for it to happen , they were 'just friends ' But , she was there to listen to him and massage his ego and one thing led to another . When we seperated , he didn't move in with her . From what I can see , he had no interest in ever having a relationship with her, he just couldn't resist the opportunity to have sex.
OP , think carefully . I wish I had the benefit of hindsight . If I had , he'd never have gone out alone with female friends . I'd have accompanied them or suggested they have their catch ups in our house . I don't believe my ex ever planned for it to happen and I believe if he could turn back the clock , it never would have . I believe there are instances where males and females can be just friends , but I believe them to be few and far between . Please talk to your husband . Don't look back in the future and wish you had said something .

Do you really think that if you'd insisted on supervising him when he said he was meeting up with female friends, it would have made any difference?

Chances are he'd have met up with them in secret and cheated on you anyways.

Are you not better off without someone like that in your life?

If I was concerned that my partner was likely to cheat on me, I'd far rather let him do it so that I'd know what he was like, and end the relationship. Rather than spending the rest of my life worrying and wondering and keeping track of his every social encounter, just in case he was cheating on me.

Sounds to me like you had a lucky escape.

honey79

I think the most important point is that it's upsetting you it does not matter if its innocent or not if its causing you upset you need to speak to your husband about it

piperh

While it's not something I would have a problem with if it's upsetting you then it's an issue.

Did your husband ask you or give any indication you weren't welcome? He clearly wasn't trying to hide it so I think it is more likely he doesn't realise it would make you uncomfortable than he intends anything untowards.

Talk to him and you will get your answers by his reactions but remember he has done nothing wrong so accusations are going to get you nowhere and raise his hackles.

LegacyUser

OP, I was in your position not too long ago. It started as an innocent friendship between my OH and a female work colleague. I was uneasy because of the speed and intensity of this friendship. He has plenty of other female friends, goes to the cinema with them, drinks, coffee, etc. I have no issues but this one made me very, very uneasy.

It went from inappropriate behaviour to them finally being pulled up at work over it. They are now in regional offices an hour north and south of where they were based. Nothing happened but I know that if I hadn't put my foot down after one particular event then something would have happened. He saw nothing wrong with what was happening and my biggest regret is not talking to him when it started because he saw nothing wrong with it all until it was too late. I posted here about six months ago if you want to look.

Essentially, I knew that there was something wrong, different about his relationship with her. I should have trusted my gut. Now, we are just about limping along. If I saw more of him, I probably would be more inclined to to dump him/ get over it but since he spends so much time commuting and I am still so angry, my life is in limbo.

Don't end up like me, tell him that you are uncomfortable with it now before it escalates.

dark crystal

I think the problem is not that he has female friends (op mentions this is not a problem), it's that this particular female friend has been out of the picture pretty much the last two years and all of a sudden has started texting and communicating with the op's husband a lot over the past few weeks, culminating in a sudden outing to the pictures. Being honest, I would find it a bit odd too.

OP, you say she was friendly with you at the beginning of the relationship - are you also friends with her on FB? Would either of them mind you going along perhaps?

I do think it's worth discussing with your husband, if only to get the full picture and let him know your concerns, whether unfounded or not. Honesty is so important in a marriage and the biggest problems occur when communication gets lost between a husband and wife. Always communicate!

LegacyUser

Addle wrote: »

It's not about the what, it's about the who.
Going to the cinema isn't the problem, going with another woman is.

No I agree with Bee, different people will view it differently. I see nothing wrong with someone going to cinema with a person of the opposite sex married or not. I go to the cinema all the time with male friends, some are single, some married, my husband has no issue with this as he does not like going to the cinema. My husband is massively into a band I dislike, he's gone to concerts with single female friends who are mad into that band. He's gone on week long holidays around Europe following the band with a female friend. I trust him and have no issue and I know her husband had no issue either.

We just have how the OP is viewing things. She makes the comment that she thinks her husband is in lust with this woman. I wouldn't be comfortable with the situation if I thought that was true but there is a big question mark over this as the OP admits she thinks the other woman being young and attractive makes her feel crap. OP you need to be honest with yourself and ask if this is your own insecurities coming forward or if genuinely feel he is in lust with this person. If you can honestly say that it's the latter then you need to talk to him.

Sound Bite

Op, I'm trying to understanding the real issue here:

Are you jealous?
Do you feel disrespected? Why?
What are you afraid of?
Do you not trust your husband?
How does going to the cinema differ from meeting for coffee?

I believe that if people are going to cheat they will no matter what, you can stop someone.

eviltwin

I don't see anything wrong with it. My husband is a huge film buff, I'm not. If he had a female friend into the same movies he was and they went together I wouldn't have a problem with that. Going to the cinema is something all sorts of people do. I've gone with friends, family, people in a film club....its not just a date venue. Would you be any less uncomfortable if they were meeting for lunch once a week or going to see a gig or a football match or something? I find it strange that the venue is the issue, I think if you look deep down you're more upset that someone you thought was off the scene is still very much a part of his life.

Do talk to him but if she is his friend they will probably meet up elsewhere so you have to be prepared for that. I think its comes down to one thing...either you trust him or you don't. Its as simple as that really. If he does want to cheat on you with this woman or any other he will.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it is very clear that this would upset some and not others. Just because some people wouldn't bat an eye does not mean you should not be bothered by it. We all get vibes and feelings from other people. You may be completely justified to feel uneasy about this girl. And you know what, it doesn't matter if she's the biggest flirt in the world but you trust your husband completely. It's ok to feel disrespected by someone who you feel is getting a little too cosy with your husband.

We have very little to go on based on what you have typed. We just have a few lines of text. But you have much more. You can read behaviour, mood, tone etc and if it's making you uncomfortable then you have a right to feel uncomfortable. It's a difficult conversation to bring up, because he might genuinely see nothing inappropriate. But you have a right to raise your concerns, and you have a right to be reassured by your husband.

He shouldn't get annoyed at you for bringing this up. And if you are not usually the jealous and possessive type then he should be aware of that and respect your feelings.

ElleEm

tinkerbell wrote: »

No, the husband has not been friends with that woman for as long as his relationship with the OP. He was friends with her when they first started dating and then the contact dropped so she has not been in his life for the same amount of time.

It's nothing to do with insecurity either. By all accounts, this woman is just a casual acquaintance, NOT a close friend. I would have no problem if it was a longtime friend but this is not the case here at all. The whole thing is just weird.

How do people stop being casual acquaintances and start being good friends though, unless they keep contact and meet up? Or are you not allowed make new friends with the opposite sex when you are married?

OP, other posters are right- there is such a varying view of what is acceptable that you must speak to your husband about it so he can understand your stance.

LegacyUser

She's already said what the problem is, she doesn't think he'll cheat but she thinks he thinks she's attractive and that he's lusting after her.

I think that would upset most people, of course it's normal to be attracted to other people but going on something 'datesy' with one of those people would be upsetting for a lot of people...even if they trust them....I suppose part of it is because they're probably not thinking of you at all and enjoying time with this attractive person and probably forgetting about their real life for a while, it doesn't mean you think they'll cheat. just that you'd be upset at the bonding that was going on etc.

Maybe it's silly but it would certainly be normal for people to feel a pang of jealousy in this case...regardless of the fact that you trust himm.

LegacyUser

normalupset wrote: »

She's already said what the problem is, she doesn't think he'll cheat but she thinks he thinks she's attractive and that he's lusting after her.

The key word there though is 'she thinks' Thinking something does mean it's true and the OP also says this person is younger then the her and attractive so it might be more the OP's insecurity colouring how she is viewing things. If he was lusting after another person I don't understand why the OP would not call him on it straight away as in view it's no different to cheating. Nothing wrong with finding someone attractive but lusting after them is very different and I would find it disrespectful. The fact OP hasn't called him out might be because they are not 100% sure it's not their own issues impacting on how they are interpreting the husbands actions.

Magenta

OP, you will always get different opinions on things like this.
Your gut will not steer you wrong.

I once had a boyfriend who shared a house with 3 girls.
2 of them were fine, but I had the most awful gut feeling about the other one.
She wasn't a good looking girl, the other 2 were far better looking, so it's not like I just was uneasy because of her looks. I just had this gut feeling about her. I had no evidence whatsoever that anything untoward was going on but call it "women's intuition".
Fast forward 2 months and I find out they'd been sleeping together. If your gut doesn't like her, there's usually a reason.

thegreatgonzo

Addle wrote: »

I go to the cinema sometimes with a married friend.
His wife isn't into going and we like the same stuff.
His wife doesn't mind. She doesn't see me as a threat to their relationship.
I'm not.

Well the difference may be that your friend's wife knows you. OP doesn't know the woman her husband is friends with. She trusts that her husband isn't a cheat but she can't be sure that this woman isn't going to do her best to get him to cheat.