Frustrated at pace of relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Just wanted to seek opinions on my current situation. I will try to keep it as short as possible.

I'm mid twenties, female, started seeing someone a few months ago. My first relationship. Really lovely guy, we have good fun and I really fancy him. All going really well, lovely presents exchanged at Christmas.

We work near eachother, but he lives the bones of an hour away (while I live quite close to work). We're both living at home. When we met, he told me he was moving out to be nearer to work. Things have progressed slowly enough with us, a date once a week - mainly dinner/drinks/cinema/walk with a few more original ones thrown in for good measure. The common theme being that it's always out and about. We haven't met eachothers families yet, but I'm ready for this if only to allow us to hang out together at one of our homes, and not always have to spend money to see eachother. He hasn't told his parents about me, which he knows is upsetting me at this point. The most privacy we've had to date is in a car.

While not having the privacy to have sex is an obvious issue (and an increasingly frustrating one!!), it's not my only concern. I hate that we can't just hang out on a much more casual basis. Eating out/going for drinks etc. is losing it's fun - sometimes he or I are tired/hungover/grumpy and I certainly would just prefer to veg on a couch together.

He or I moving out is an obvious solution. I hope to soon when I have more security in work. He has been talking about it since last summer, and there's always some reason not to. I suspect finances are the issue but he's embarrassed to say that to me. Other than that he needs to brace himself and meet my family (he's expressed that he's terrified at the thought) or introduce me to his, so that we can see eachother at home.

The main issue with all of the above is that I feel like it doesn't bother him the way it bothers me. I got upset about it recently and told him how I felt. He was clearly panicked that I might lose interest, was very sweet and promised to get his act together, but the situation is worrying me all the same. Should he not be mad keen to get me alone? Part of me feels like there's a reason he's holding back, but he's so straightforward ordinarily that I can't fathom what that could be.

Thanks in advance!

bee06

Can you be more specific about how long you've been going out? It's hard to advise without knowing that.

LegacyUser

Hi bee06, thanks for the reply. Approaching 6 months or so now.

LegacyUser

Are you saying the only time you have had sex in 6 months is in a car?

Mr. Incognito

Suggest meeting his folks at his. If you are putting in the effort to go there first.

If he is not to keen on it you might have to start looking elsewhere

manonboard

Op, if i may be blunt, your getting your time wasted here.
Not in the sense that he is using you or not treating you well, but are you really getting your needs met here in this relationship?

Basic alone time, basic casual time together, comfort time is really important for a relationship. It breeds comfort! in the name!
Sexual time is important to in a sexual relationship. It's one thing knowing a person in eddie rockets and a park, but not knowing what they are like spending lazy weekends cuddle on the couch is very unappealing to me.

If I was you, i'd simply evaluate whether you are getting your needs met here, (answer is likely no or else you wouldn't be posting), and if you aren't, then simply state them to him with extreme clarity and tell him to get his act together. if the relationship isn't providing you with what you want, and you want it to change, then it either needs to change or you need to change relationship.
I'd usually consider a "accept it" philosophy with most things, but it sounds like your basic requests are not even getting met here.. It's basic alone/comfort time.. not a trip to china.. 6 months.. I would of went ape about 5 months ago.. You have ALOT of patience (may not be a good thing for you)

I really hope you get to spend some proper time together.. especially before things 'fizzle' from that hot new romantic stage

LegacyUser

Hi manonboard, thanks for your response, much appreciated.

I suppose it's fair to say that my needs aren't being met. As you've said, I did actually state to him in the last week that I'm upset with our current situation. I suppose the downtime at Christmas has highlighted things. He has promised to get his act together, so at the moment it's a waiting game.

Re my patience. It's fast dwindling! This is my first relationship - I'm very independent, have a fairly hectic social life, a demanding job and like to travel alot, so initially would have only had limited time to spend with him, and was probably quite guarded too. So the slow pace for the first while was fine by me.

And I can't stress enough that he's a great guy, is very good to me and I don't doubt his interest, I just can't understand how he's not as frustrated as I am with the way things are. And just in regards to the 'fizzle', I can't see that yet - I'd be nothing short of mortified if anyone I knew saw our street side goodbyes at the end of our dates!

Again - thank you for your response. It's difficult because I worry that I'm just being difficult and impatient and need to give it time. It's good to see that others would have hit this point sooner than this!

cactusgal

If you've a demanding job, surely you can move out of your parents' house? I moved out at 18, so can't really relate, TBH.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm in the same situation as yourself. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 2 years and both live at home. Like you the only private time is in a car and the odd night away (a dozen or so in total) . We are currently having issues because he has told me he doesn't intend to move out for 3 years or so, and doesn't seem particularly happy with the idea of me getting my own place/ buying a house.

I'm afraid I don't have much constructive advice to give, only to say it doesn't get easier, in fact it just gets harder. It is definatley an issue you both need to sit down and discuss, before it becomes an even bigger issue.

LegacyUser

Hardly far to criticize him when your in exactly the same living situation as him OP.

You both live at home so until that changes niter of you is really calling the shots. You say your going out 6 months but you've only really been seeing each other once a week or so which means it's not really that long term a relationship at this stage. You want to veg on a couch but you don't have a couch, it's hardly either of your fault, but right now the reality is if you want to spend time together it's either make do with current set up or pay for a hotel room.

I get he's talked about moving out but it's a big step for some (not everyone, I was gone at 16 and never looked back but I've friends nearly 30 who still live at home) and you can't really judge him as your in the same boat. You talk about how your needs aren't being meet with the relationship but it's just as much your living situation as his that's impacting things. You even say it's most likely money that's stopping him so it's not like he's been feeding you a line or anything. I've been there, dating someone living at home while I lived in a crowded house share and it wasn't the best set up but you work around things.

Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable having a girl come home to meet his family, I know I hated the first time I brought a BF home as my mother was way OTT and that was just to have lunch, bringing you over just so you can pretty much have sex somewhere comfortable, yeah can't see his parents being up for that no matter what age he is and I can see him thinking the same going to your house.

Be aware also if he does move out it doesn't sound like he can afford to rent somewhere by himself so most likely it will be a house share where yes you can spend more time together but you also can't take over the couch etc from other housemates.

If you love to travel so much why not suggest a weekend away together? I get your not happy spending money but it might be worth spending some money now for some quality time away just to the two of you to see how you really feel.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for the responses. I can't help but feel that my original concerns are maybe being overlooked. I'm aware of the effect of both our living situations on our relationship, the concern I highlighted was that this doesn't seem to be bothering him as it does me.

Mr. Incognito - thanks for your response. I'd be more than happy to go his first, but that's something I don't want to have to push on him. I'm very chatty and sociable, while he's more reserved, so I think we both recognise that meeting the parents will be easier for me than for him.

Cactusgal, I'm not sure what benefit you thought your post would serve. There are many reasons a person might still be living at home. My finances aren't the issue, it's a lack of job security while working in a specialised area which could necessitate my having to seek employment in another city or country in the next couple of months. This uncertainty has been an issue for a while now. But well done you for moving out at 18.

Hi Samesituation, thanks for your response. A scary thought that this could go on that long!

Cantlogin:

cant log in wrote: »

Hardly far to criticize him when your in exactly the same living situation as him OP.

I don't think it's fair to say I criticized him. I said above I recognise the solution is for one of us to move out, my concerns lie with how he feels about it.

cant log in wrote: »

bringing you over just so you can pretty much have sex somewhere comfortable, yeah can't see his parents being up for that no matter what age he is and I can see him thinking the same going to your house.

Where did I say I wanted to go to eachothers home houses to have sex? I very clearly stated while sex is an obvious issue that wasn't my main concern. Under no circumstances would I or my parents be comfortable with me landing home with my new boyfriend to have sex. And I have zero intention of strolling into his house to do the same.

cant log in wrote: »

Be aware also if he does move out it doesn't sound like he can afford to rent somewhere by himself so most likely it will be a house share where yes you can spend more time together but you also can't take over the couch etc from other housemates.

I have lived out of home for periods of time, as has he. I'm under no illusions about how that will work. It'll still mean more privacy than we currently have, which is none.

cant log in wrote: »

If you love to travel so much why not suggest a weekend away together? I get your not happy spending money but it might be worth spending some money now for some quality time away just to the two of you to see how you really feel.

A weekend away will no doubt be on the cards soon. The money thing really isn't an issue for me, but he'll obviously want to pay his way and I can't see that being a possibility in the next month.

Again, thanks for the responses, but I don't feel like my concerns were really heard by all but a couple of people. My worry is that while at this stage I really want alone time and more casual time with him (and please can we not just interpret that as sex?), it doesn't seem to bother him.

Flippyfloppy

Aside from specifically talking about this issue, have you had the 'relationship' talk yet? Are you exclusive/serious/in it for the long haul? Is the fact you might be moving COUNTRY in a couple of months looming over you guys?

The Princess Bride

When I read your initial post,OP, I thought the issue was "alone intimate" time together.
I can see how it would be preferable to perhaps head back to each other's house, watch a DVD, whatever -but that's not an option so there is no point mulling over it, really.

Do you know what his relationship is like with his parents?
To be frank, I never brought boyfriends home to meet my family.
My mother would've interrogated the poor men and they'd have ran far, far away!
Plus, over a ten year period before I settled down, there would've been a lot- too many to be bringing home-but that's just me, perhaps.

You say it is your first relationship, do you know has he had many girlfriends before you?
Could it be that he is just clueless as to what to do?

mada82

Speaking as a bloke I hated having to meet parents and would avoid it where possible until forced into it.

Maybe you should "bump" into your parents while out and about with him someday. It would be a quick interaction and might make calling to the house for an official meet up a little easier for him.

hardCopy

I get that it's not easy to just up sticks and move out so he may need time to get his act together, but it would take five minutes to tell his parents about you I really can't understand why he hasn't done this.

You can a hotel room for the price of a nice meal, get a late check out the next day and you can hang around in your PJs and relax around each other.

LegacyUser

_Frustrated_ wrote: »

Again, thanks for the responses, but I don't feel like my concerns were really heard by all but a couple of people. My worry is that while at this stage I really want alone time and more casual time with him (and please can we not just interpret that as sex?), it doesn't seem to bother him.

Well to be fair OP the last part of your post talked about shouldn't he be keen to get you alone....people are going to assume that means sex. You talk about wanting to just veg out on the couch with him but again you both live at home I'm not sure I'd be comfy vegging out on the couch with my BF in my parents house or at his parents house. What do you expect him to do, ask his parents to go out for the night so you can have the place to yourselves?

Either change your living situation or deal with the one you have. You said so yourself you liked the pace of the relationship at the start but now want it to move faster but rather then have an honest relationship talk with him you got upset over it. How was he to know you wanted things to move faster when you'd been happy with the pace until then? You need to talk openly about these things not wait until you get upset and he gets panicky, that's not healthy. You state he doesn't have the money to move out but clearly wants to, he is upset with the living situation as it could mean losing you but if he can't afford to move out OP what do you expect him to do? I get your frustrated but what exactly do you want him to do? If he can't afford to move out, do you expect him to move out anyway and put himself in debt just so you can cuddle on the couch?

Money doesn't seem to be an issue for you so why don't you make the first step to move out? There are two of you in the relationship after all and at the moment your making it sound like everything should go how you want it. You wanted it slow when it suited you and now you want more cus it suits you.

Sit down with him and say look we've been going out 6 months now, I really like you and would like the relationship to move forward and then talk about what the means for both of you.