Slept with a girl but didn't try and have sex with her. What is wrong with me?

LegacyUser

So I was on a night out recently and a girl I know was there. Actually she's a friend. We have kissed in the past a couple of times but decided to be just friends. Anyway we were out and she was being extremely flirty with me. I tried kissing her but she rejected me which was fair enough, we still carried on having a fun night.

By the time the bar we were in closed, we got a taxi to her place together. She continued to be flirty and when she decided to go to bed she asked if I wanted to go up and sleep with her. So all the cues were there for me to try and escalate things despite her earlier rejection of me. But instead I just went up to her bed, chatted with her for a while and we both fell asleep (we were both quite drunk).

I'm kind of embarrassed I didn't try anything to be honest. It leads me to doubt myself and my sexuality. I am attracted to women and obviously like sex so I don't understand why I didn't try anything. This isn't the first time something like this has happened with me. I've often went back to a girls place and justified not having sex with them in my head because i'm too drunk. But there's something wrong here surely? Won't she (and any other girls in this situation) think that I might be gay or that i'm not much of a man? I'm denying myself chances to enjoy one of the great pleasures in life, I don't gt why i'm so timid.

Tokyo

I don't think that there's anything wrong with you, but you do sound quite insecure.

It's one thing taking a step back from a sexual encounter because something is telling you that it's a bad idea, but from what you have posted here, I think you turn down sex in general because are insecure in these situations, and rather than take the plunge and the risk that goes with it, you step back and find a reason not to. On other occasions you have told yourself that you were too drunk for this to happen, and I suspect you told yourself the same when it came to the girl in question. Doubting your sexuality also seems to be an issue of reaching for an excuse - your sexual orientation doesn't come into play here - you know that you are attracted to women and that you want to take things further with them.

The first step is realising that the problem is your insecurity in these situations, rather than trying to fob it off with an excuse, and then taking steps towards dealing with it. Everyone lacks confidence once in a while, but you need to remember that this girl (and apparently other girls in the past) brought you back to her place because she wanted to be with you. There's also no shame in sharing some of these feelings with her to a certain degree - if she's a friend, as you say she is, then she'll understand.

December2012

It sounds like in this case your instincts were spot on.

She rejected you when she thought she could get a better offer. She didn't, and therefore presumably felt she could just pick up where you left off.

It doesn't sound like she fancied you as much as you fancied her. It may be that you knew you didn't want to be somebody's consolation prize.

Maybe you're just not a one night stand kind of guy. And that's cool.

When you are in a relationship you might feel more like it. With somebody who wants to have sex with you because they are in a relationship with you.

Big Bag of Chips

Did she give you any indication while you were in bed that she wanted to have sex? Did she kiss you? Touch you? She pulled away from kissing you, sounds like she may also have told you to stop if you tried anything in bed.

She seemed to be the one in control. And I don't think you did anything wrong by not trying it on with her. You shouldn't over think it. I get the impression that she was enjoying a little game with you.. And if you did try something, she would have enjoyed knocking you back.

Stavro Mueller

You say you like sex so I'm assuming you have slept with other women. What was different then to this?

In the story you've just told us, I think it's for the best that you didn't try anything with this girl. It sounds like a situation that could become messy. Who was it that decided you should be just friends? Her? I reckon you like her more than she likes you but she's keeping you as a Plan B. I agree with December2012's suggestion that she rejected you thinking she'd have a better offer. Then when it became clear nobody else was going to come on the scene, you were her fallback. With regards to this girl, I think you'd be better either steering clear of her altogether or keeping things strictly platonic.

Maybe you're not suited to one night stands? There's no shame in that. There are plenty of people out there who've tried them and realised they're not for them. You could be one of those people although you've not realised it yet.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Did she give you any indication while you were in bed that she wanted to have sex? Did she kiss you? Touch you? She pulled away from kissing you, sounds like she may also have told you to stop if you tried anything in bed.

She seemed to be the one in control. And I don't think you did anything wrong by not trying it on with her. You shouldn't over think it. I get the impression that she was enjoying a little game with you.. And if you did try something, she would have enjoyed knocking you back.

Well she took her clothes off right in front of me to change into her night wear. Didn't kiss me but was close up against me in bed with her leg over mine. Kinda like waiting for me to make the move. But as you said, it was probably a game from her point of view. She has previous in things like that. She has made it clear to me that she is not the relationship type of person numerous times so maybe best to keep it as friends. I actually think she has a very good personality but this whole game playing side is definitely a flaw. Kinda messes with my head. I'm relieved to hear the majority think it wasn't strange of me to not try it on with her.

But maybe there are some confidence and self-esteem issues I need to work on. If girls give me signs that they want things to escalate then i'm not sure what prevents me from doing it. This could cause me to miss out on a lot.

Candy_Girl

It seems that girl was leading you on and you might just have picked u on it even though you were drunk. Could it be down to the type of girl your hooking up with? Beer goggles make most people seem appealing but when they start to wear off you realise their not your type at all.

Big Bag of Chips

whatisupwithme1 wrote: »

We have kissed in the past a couple of times but decided to be just friends. Anyway we were out and she was being extremely flirty with me. I tried kissing her but she rejected me which was fair enough,

Look, this girl knows you like her. So she plays with you. Tells you you are going to be just friends. Then continues to be extremely flirty. Then pushes you away when you try to kiss her.. Understandably if she's flirting heavily with you. Then strips off in front of you.... It's all a game for her. She's loving the attention and she loves seeing you getting tied up in knots trying to decide whether to make a move or not. If she wanted anything from you that night she would have made a proper move on you. She would have kissed you in bed, she would have started touching you. She stripped off in front of you for God's sake!! She's not some shrinking violet waiting for the man to make the first move.

She wants you to want her.

Best thing you can do for your own self confidence now is avoid her. Don't play her silly game.... It'll drive her bonkers!

AndonHandon

I slept with a girl who I was scoring but I too didn't have sex with her OP. I wanted to but didn't go for it for some reason so I understand the confusion OP. It still bothers me nearly 3 weeks later.

Matteroffact

You don't have to have sex with every woman who offers it OP, that's not what it is all about. You are not an animal and you have choices. You decided not to have sex with this woman, and rightly so. Save these occasions for women who mean something to you.