Sex Addiction

gmarty

Hey All

I have a big issues on my mind due to a friend recently taking their life due to sex addiction, and I fell compelled to write this and get people's view on barriers for treatment.

Sex addiction isn't a recent phenoneomn, I have meet people caught up in this cycle of addiction and they have been kind enough to share their struggles,and feelings of guilt loneliness and shame. For some it's their primary addiction, and others it begins when they become abstinent from other addictions such as alcohol and drugs. There individuals shared issues of compulsive materbation, sleeping behing their partners back, using prostitues, and spending hours on pornographic images online to name but a few. As a result this effects the very core of a person and many have their relationships destroyed, and some feeling so guilty and shamfull, they have taken their lives.( Have personally known these people).

Now this is the thing! There is a hidden population in ireland that struggle daily with sex addiction and the stigma attached to it prevents people seeking help. There are twelve step organisations around that people can you, but what I find they are all total abstinent based, which personally I think isn't the best way, as I think it sets thebar too high, and I am advocating a new approach that instils "Damaged Limitations".

My questions are:

1 what do people think about using harm reduction model in addressing sex addiction?

2 What words could be used for a 12 step program without using "sex addiction", in the effort to take the stigma out the program, and make it more attractive for individuals.

This is something very close to my heart and any feedback positive or negative is very welcome.

Thanks.

dar100

The 12 step approach to sex addiction is not based on abstinence. Maybe for the first few months people will be "asked" to abstain.

The 12 step approach is concerned with looking at maladaptive sexual relationships and the underlying issues.

With the view to entering new more mature sexual relationships. It would be unrealistic to expect an individual to abstain from sex. One only needs to look to the church to see the damage that can be caused by suppressing the sexual drive

Harm reduction is not a new concept to sexual addiction. I.e use condoms to counter risk taking behaviour, masterbate instead of cheating or visiting a prostitute etc

gmarty

dar100 wrote: »

The 12 step approach to sex addiction is not based on abstinence. Maybe for the first few months people will be "asked" to abstain.

The 12 step approach is concerned with looking at maladaptive sexual relationships and the underlying issues.

With the view to entering new more mature sexual relationships. It would be unrealistic to expect an individual to abstain from sex. One only needs to look to the church to see the damage that can be caused by suppressing the sexual drive

Harm reduction is not a new concept to sexual addiction. I.e use condoms to counter risk taking behaviour, masterbate instead of cheating or visiting a prostitute etc

Hi Dar

Thanks for your reply. I do know for a facts that 12 step program in Ireland do require u to be totally abstinent all the time, apart from ones own relationship. This is the issue I have becsuse these groups do not allow a person for example masterbate instesd of visiting a prostitute, to get relief.

I understand your point about harm reduction not being a new concept, I suppose the point I was trying to get across was that in terms of group therapy, there seems to be no self help groups in Ireland harm reduction orientated.

dar100

Yes that's what I mean, the person will be having a healthy sexual relationship with a partner, so it's not abstinence ( it's a form of harm reduction actually ).

Due to the nature of self help groups they won't be run on principals such as harm reduction etc. this is usually left to professional, if a person wants to work this way, they can always pay for the service,

Harm reduction programmes, are mainly set up to benefit society, sex addiction poses not much as a risk to the wider community, as say, substance addiction

gmarty

dar100 wrote: »

Yes that's what I mean, the person will be having a healthy sexual relationship with a partner, so it's not abstinence ( it's a form of harm reduction actually ).

Due to the nature of self help groups they won't be run on principals such as harm reduction etc. this is usually left to professional, if a person wants to work this way, they can always pay for the service,

Harm reduction programmes, are mainly set up to benefit society, sex addiction poses not much as a risk to the wider community, as say, substance addiction

Glad we are on the same page! And this is exactly my point in my original post. For example what happens to a young man or woman who are sex addicts and are not in any relationship, are they to remain totally abstinent? These are the people falling through the cracks, what's available for them.

I knew a guy who was in that situation, he was single, in a 12 abstinent step program, was pulling his hair out most days as he fought his addiction. In the end it was too much 4 him and he took his life. If there were harm reduction orientated group programs available I'm sure they would have advocated mastarbation, I just think they've cracks and nothing available for those who fall through it, the bar is set too high in 12 step total abstinent groups imo.

Valmont

To play the devil's advocate I would say there is always going to be a stigma associated with an addiction to sex, no matter what label you slap on it. However I would argue that no matter what theory of 'sex addiction' you use, the stigma is always applicable. We are talking about people who, for whatever reason, compulsively engage in sexual activities that harm both their loved ones and themselves. Don't get me wrong, I believe somebody seeking help for such a problem should be treated non-judgementally and with compassion but the very nature of the problem means that it is never going to be something that can be discussed openly without censure.

Considering there is no evidence to support the idea that sexual addiction is a biologically determined disease, the element of moral agency present will always stigmatise the addict. Although for the sake of argument let's say we do know that sexual addiction is a biologically determined condition, and the addict has no choice but to gratify his urges - the stigma still stands because now we are dealing with someone whose destructive sexual behaviour is literally and largely beyond his conscious control - it's natural for others to be wary of or fear such a person.

I bring up these points only to highlight that even conceptualising this particular problem as a discrete condition comes with severe implications for the addict. Would it be better to consider their problems without labelling them a certain way, or by keeping them a secret between therapist and addict? I'm not sure but I think it's an approach worth considering.

dar100

Valmont wrote: »

To play the devil's advocate I would say there is always going to be a stigma associated with an addiction to sex, no matter what label you slap on it. However I would argue that no matter what theory of 'sex addiction' you use, the stigma is always applicable. We are talking about people who, for whatever reason, compulsively engage in sexual activities that harm both their loved ones and themselves. Don't get me wrong, I believe somebody seeking help for such a problem should be treated non-judgementally and with compassion but the very nature of the problem means that it is never going to be something that can be discussed openly without censure.

Considering there is no evidence to support the idea that sexual addiction is a biologically determined disease, the element of moral agency present will always stigmatise the addict. Although for the sake of argument let's say we do know that sexual addiction is a biologically determined condition, and the addict has no choice but to gratify his urges - the stigma still stands because now we are dealing with someone whose destructive sexual behaviour is literally and largely beyond his conscious control - it's natural for others to be wary of or fear such a person.

I bring up these points only to highlight that even conceptualising this particular problem as a discrete condition comes with severe implications for the addict. Would it be better to consider their problems without labelling them a certain way, or by keeping them a secret between therapist and addict? I'm not sure but I think it's an approach worth considering.

Valmont, would you consider a high sex drive to be determined by biological processes?? If so, then you cannot suggest that biology does not play a significant role in the manifestation of sexual addiction.

Usually, but not exclusively, individuals presenting with sexual addictions have both a high sex drive, and suffered some form of trauma in early childhood. Thus, the act of masturbation is utilized at a young age, to relieve anxiety.This is just one example, and of course each case is different. For some people, it's about power/control, others may use it for validation etc.

I do agree with a lot of what you say, stigma around sexual issues in Ireland can be traced back to religious institutions and introjected values/beliefs. But, I have also worked with individuals who were extremely open about their relationship and how they relate to sex

Valmont

Do we know why some people with high sex-drives don't become sex addicts, though? Until we can answer that question I think we have to conclude that the driving force behind sex addiction is something personal: motivations, history, anxiety, any reason really, I would imagine it varies quite a bit.

How does the classification of sex addiction stand with somebody who does not consider themselves an addict? Let's say their activities sometimes harm others and it's compulsive but they have no desire to change - can we call them an addict? Now that I think of it, addict is quite a slippery term!

dar100

Valmont wrote: »

Do we know why some people with high sex-drives don't become sex addicts, though? Until we can answer that question I think we have to conclude that the driving force behind sex addiction is something personal: motivations, history, anxiety, any reason really, I would imagine it varies quite a bit.

How does the classification of sex addiction stand with somebody who does not consider themselves an addict? Let's say their activities sometimes harm others and it's compulsive but they have no desire to change - can we call them an addict? Now that I think of it, addict is quite a slippery term![/QUOT

Yes the term addict is an unfortunate one, I tend to use it, just to describe a behaviour or substance use, which is extremely problematic to a person. I dont think of the person as an addict.

I suppose the point I was trying to convey, is that there is a clear biological aspect to the manifestation of sexual addiction, where in substance addiction, I dont believe this to be the case

JuliusCaesar

How about using the phrase "compulsive sexual behaviour"? Does that make it easier?

We are all addicted to eating, but not everybody has disordered eating behaviour.

Valmont

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

How about using the phrase "compulsive sexual behaviour"? Does that make it easier?

We are all addicted to eating, but not everybody has disordered eating behaviour.

The problem is a term like 'disordered eating behaviour' has no precise meaning. It can shaped and moulded according to any circumstances. Technically if I tell a psychologist I feel terrible guilt for eating five Mars bars a week then presto I'm suffering from 'disordered eating behaviour'.

And Dar100, I don't think the biological aspect to sexual addiction is clear at all, unless there is some objective measure of an individual's sex drive? And to point to the elephant in the room, embarrassed husbands or wives have every incentive to blame their sexual habits on something biological.

"I couldn't help myself honey! It was my huge sex drive!"

obsidianclock

I have struggled with this for so long now, I will only masturbate to relieve sexual desires -I won't even sleep with my own girlfriend as I'm worried it'll open the floodgates of repressed desire. When I think of the thousands I spent on prostitutes when sleeping around when with my ex it's heartbreaking (also no prizes for guessing why she left me!)

Fully applaud the idea behind the 12 step program but I have no problem in calling a spade a spade.

Torakx

Possibly it is deeply related to what sex means to each individual and their experiences through life.
For me growing up in a strict religion where maturbation was a sin and something to feel guilty about, it also became the guilty pleasure I grew accustomed to and I think the fact I was not supposed to do it brought a focus to it.
Add to that high levels of testosterone (which i presume is partly responsible for a high sex drive). It seems sex was a good fit for relieving tension.
The same can be said for many things I was restricted from.
I suffered the rubber band effect after leaving, where I indulged in as many things as i could that I wasn't allowed to do.
For others sex might have other conotations.
I know some women who had aversions to sex because of religious propoganda.

One thing I did learn about myself over the years, was that I had to accept who I am and how i function before I could take control of it. I had to have a feeling of understanding of myself and then came acceptance and recovery.
With the social stigma attached to sex addiction it seems that it would only exaserbate the issue once labeled, IF such a person thought it was a bad thing.
If it is a release of energy that must go somewhere, it might be some people have found an avenue that they enjoy or feel a sense of empowerment with(as mentioned above in a post) and possibly a solution is for them to become more self aware and choose/divert these desires to other things.
Some people choose food. I settled on smoking...
I presume it to be an oral fixation relating to insecurity and anxiety. As I was left alone some times in my early developing years, due to my mother having post natal depression.
It doesn't matter to me if this is actually the correct answer. I think that having a feeling of understanding can helpme choose new avenues to release my stress or feelings of discomfort or a need for comfort.

A way to let go.

On a lighter note, I am wondering if i get a girlfriend again, will I be able to use all those hugs and cuddles to get my oxytocin fix and move away from smoking

JuliusCaesar

Valmont wrote: »

The problem is a term like 'disordered eating behaviour' has no precise meaning. It can shaped and moulded according to any circumstances. Technically if I tell a psychologist I feel terrible guilt for eating five Mars bars a week then presto I'm suffering from 'disordered eating behaviour'.

You're probably suffering from excessive guilt. :P

It's not a diagnosis - think functional analysis, think formulation.

Valmont wrote: »

And Dar100, I don't think the biological aspect to sexual addiction is clear at all, unless there is some objective measure of an individual's sex drive? And to point to the elephant in the room, embarrassed husbands or wives have every incentive to blame their sexual habits on something biological.

"I couldn't help myself honey! It was my huge sex drive!"

I think most people would know if their partner's libido was way out of synch with their own....

But just like eating, it's not actually a physical addiction to sex; the sexual behaviour fulfills a function and causes distress to the person. Even with alcohol or heroin, the psychological 'addiction' is what originates it. Just that with alcohol and heroin, a physical dependency ensues. So just as we don't get ED clients to withdraw entirely from eating, we don't aim to have 'sex addicts' give up any and all kinds of sexual behaviour forever.