are they really happy for us?

LegacyUser

So we got engaged recently and I m worried if his family are truly happy for us. It s bothering me every morning I woke up since we told them. Just wondering if anyone has any feedback on if I am being paranoid or not.
It is nearly a week now and we have even got an engagement card from his parents or any one on his side of the family. We were all a function since and not one of them even offered to buy us a drink to celebrate. While out over x mas acquantainces have celebrated with us and bought us a drink so I am just wondering why his family cant. I am actually worried sick about this.
His mother congratulated me and looked at the ring etc but there were no hugs etc. She seemed to be happy but I am just not sure if it is genuine.
She used to be close with my partner but now she hardly phones him and only for he calls to her he wouldn't see her. She never calls to him anymore. There was an issue between me and his sister a few years ago , she was not very nice to me and since then , we sorted it out but things have never been the same with his mother. I feel its because he stood up to his family over me. Before this there was never any issue with his mother and we got quite well. Now we do phone calls when necessary and x mas presents etc but she doesn't bother calling to our house. His sister never contacts us but is civil when we meet. I am really upset that they did not even get us a card. My parents and some of my family that I am not even close with have sent cards etc and not a thing from his side.. any ideas / feedback welcome......

ellie1

Let it go...

Cards for births, christening, communion, confirmation, 16th, 18th, 21st, 30th, engagements, weddings.... It's so exhausting!!! Not everybody wants to make a big fuss or huge celebration. Celebrate with those who do.

Your marrying the man you love, concentrate on that and be grateful for that.

Big Bag of Chips

Let me guess - you got engaged for Christmas? Christmas is a fairly busy time for everyone. They tend to get lost in their own stuff. I haven't been inside the door of a shop since the 23rd December, and I wouldn't care who got married/engaged/had a baby etc over Christmas I wouldn't be going near any sort of shops just to buy a card!

Are they a huggy family? I know mine aren't. I don't think my mam and dad even hugged me on my wedding day! Forget it. Who cares if they are happy for you? Does your getting married depend on them sending you a card and being excited for you? You are your own little unit now. You are obviously happy together and know what you both want, so why do you need validation from others? Not everyone gets as excited about our life events as we do.... wait until you have kids and you can't understand why everyone in the world isn't as besotted as you are

Ken.

Some families are big on cards for every damn little thing. Others aren't. Do his family exchange cards for other occasions as mentioned by Ellie?.

I don't think I have ever given anybody an engagement card.
You got engaged, you are going to marry the man you love. End of.
You really shouldn't expect presents from others because of it, weddings are costly enough!

If it was my family, you would get a congratulations and that would be that.
Delighted for my brother when he got engaged, but its really his business who he marries, if he marries. She's a lovely girl, fair play to them both, but I didn't buy a card for them, I didn't hug them & I definitely didn't buy them drink!!

ash23

I have three sisters. When one got engaged I was actually there so I hugged her and congratulated her. They went out to celebrate the next night but I didn't go and I didn't get them a card or make a huge fuss out of it.
When the other two got engaged, I wasn't there. One text me with the news and the other rang me. I oohed and ahhhed but nope, no card and no gift.

Getting engaged is a big deal to the couple who do it but not really that big a deal for everyone else.

I wouldn't be getting yourself tied up in knots over it.

Rachiee

You ate definitely over think things.different families have norms to how they celebrate events some families don't do cards hugs champagne etc it doesn't mean they ate not happy for you but I also on the other hand if they weren't happy for you there is very little you can do about this anyway. Congratulations OP enjoy the planning and try to involve his sister maybe if you can to extend an olive branch she'll be part if your life for the next 40 years odd it'll be happier if you can have a good relationship.

Mick Murdock

It sounds like you have pretty limited interaction with his family so I'm not sure what you expected? You're marrying him not them. Stuff what they think.

LegacyUser

My Brother in law got engaged this week. I had been chatting to his girlfriend on whatsapp so I sent her a 'congrats' when I heard. That's it. No card, no gift.

My mother in law didn't even acknowledge our wedding in my presence until a month before the actual event. As long as you and your partner are happy nothing else matters.

Stavro Mueller

Does it matter whether they are or aren't happy? Yes it's possible that you're not your mother-in-law's favourite person after the problems with her daughter etc. and you'd be naive to think you'd all turn into The Waltons after the dust settled. On the other hand she doesn't sound all bad. There are plenty of people out there with interfering in-laws who'd love to have the situation you have. From what I can see, your in-laws aren't poking their noses into your business, they're not rude to you, they're not causing trouble. I'd also not read anything into the lack of cards or backslapping. Not all families are huggy, not all families send cards, not all families make a big deal out of these things .

mrsbyrne

A cousin of mine arrived with her new fiancee at her fiancees parents house to announce their engagement. Like you there had been one or two little incidents where his mother had let my cousin know that they were a bit "disappointed" with his choice of girlfriend. His sisters too were quite rude.
Anyway my cousin and her fiancee approached the mother who was sitting in the garden with sparkling ring finger outstretched and the mother literally recoiled in horror. Her exact words " no! Please don't tell me it's true!". Can you imagine?
It spoilt an otherwise perfect day.but roll on 18 years and 3 kids later they're very happily married. They moved abroad to some extent to escape from his family's constant sniffing. But my cousins husband doesn't get on with her ffather either, so...
All in all in a perfect world two families should be able to blend, but thats not how it goes.
My advice is to kill his family with kindness grace and good manners. Don't ever give them an opportunity to be proved right about you.

missjm

I wouldn't stress myself out over it. Who cares what other people think. It's personal to you and your fiancee. Enjoy the moment yourselves and feic the rest of them.

Starokan

I suppose you need to look at this realistically, you and your fiance are not close with his family therefore the same level of excitement that you will get from friends and your family is not going to be evident. I'm guessing they are a little indifferent to the whole thing given the way the relationship between both sides has progressed.

I would take what I saw at face value, his mother congratulated you and seemed happy, I would guess from that that she most likely is happy for you both and that is where it finishes for her. I get you would like them to be as ecstatic as your own family but its not really going to happen id imagine.

The whole indifference probably stems from whatever row was in the past, I am guessing they will never fully come to terms with your husband choosing your side over his sisters, if you want the relationships to be better between you all then you guys will probably have to work hard at developing them as his family in all likelihood wont. Personally I would not bother myself, you are all civil to each other , you are not likely ever to be best friends so just focus on the fact that your husband to be loves you very much and spend much more time with your own family than his.

woodchuck

Since when did it become such a big deal to celebrate other peoples engagements? A simple congratulations is all that used to be expected. Any cards, drinks etc on top of that is a nice gesture, but should in no way be expected imho. This seems to be yet another thing that's becoming very 'americanised' with engagement parties etc on the rise, when the real celebration should just be the wedding itself.

Stop worrying about material gestures and other peoples opinions and just focus on your own happiness of finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and who wants to spend the rest of their life with you.

skallywag

woodchuck wrote: »

Since when did it become such a big deal to celebrate other peoples engagements? A simple congratulations is all that used to be expected. ... This seems to be yet another thing that's becoming very 'americanised' with engagement parties etc on the rise, when the real celebration should just be the wedding itself.

Agree 100% with this sentiment. Engagement cards? :rolleyes:

As for engagement parties, these are most definitely a pet hate of mine, most particularly if there is an expectation for a gift to be given. There is of course nothing wrong with celebrating and giving a nice gift etc, but isn't that what the wedding is there for?

OP, all in all I agree with those who say that you are way over thinking this, particularly since he does not seem to be that close to his own folk in any case.

MistyCheese

mrsbyrne wrote: »

the mother literally recoiled in horror. Her exact words " no! Please don't tell me it's true!".

Yikes! That even beats my MILs 'no-one was very impressed'

Congratulations OP I'm sure yourself and himself are delighted but, others, not really so much. I'm sure they are happy for you but in a more a 'ah, that's nice' way rather than a 'woo-hoo this is the best news ever!!!!' way.

FWIW, it's quite possible that this new trend of young people getting engaged at the drop of a hat has kinda spoiled it for the genuine couples. That would be a shame and totally not your fault but if you want you two could throw yourselves an engagement party, people could celebrate with you then. You can't really expect a party to be thrown for you. Enjoy being newly engaged and best of luck with the wedding planning.

liz lemoncello

worriedfiance wrote: »

....
She used to be close with my partner but now she hardly phones him and only for he calls to her he wouldn't see her. She never calls to him anymore. There was an issue between me and his sister a few years ago , she was not very nice to me and since then , we sorted it out but things have never been the same with his mother. I feel its because he stood up to his family over me.

Maybe I've read too many threads on PI about bad relations with inlaws but the bit I've bolded, above, stands out for me. You are marrying the man you love and he stood up for you with his family! I'd focus on that as your relationship with him is what is important.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for all the replies and sorry for the late response. I appreciate all of them .Yes after reading the posts/ replies I see I am being a bit over sensitive on this one. People were happy for us I suppose I was expecting balloons and airplanes ..
im just going to be happy and concentrate on us .. thanks very much to all of ye x