Really good friend took rejection badly

Folders

Hi everyone,

Havent posted here in a while now, but thought maybe this thing on my mind you could maybe give me some advice on, as its driving me crazy now for a stretch.

Bit of background, I'm 37, single, living in Dublin for good few years now work in typical office international environment here in the city.

So two years ago this Latvian girl started working for us as an intern for a period of 6 months which got extended to 12 months. She is ten years younger than me and has been seeing a lad from Germany for like four years I think. He lives with her.

So like as often happens, you maybe once a week go out for pints with the work colleagues. From pretty much the very start, we got on very well, just had that cheesy connection. I found her very beautiful, funny, intelligent, easy-going and the like. I had just left a three year relationship myself when I met her first. But I said from the start that i would not make a move if she was already taken. Her boyfriend came out with us quite a lot as well. I also found him to be very intelligent, good job, quite handsome and the like. A good catch really for her.

After that, even when she left our company we continued to see a lot of each other. I find this to be rare enough in Dublin. She invited me out to nearly every social event she attended. Her boyfriend also came along every time though. Soon it followed a similar pattern, us two, meaning me and the girl, would end up talking to each other for ages until the end of the night. I sometimes wished the boyfriend would go home early just so that we could have time alone, but I can see why he did not do that. So through politeness we had to involve him in the conversation, but it felt like he was in the way, at least from my side.

You might say she more or less turned into my best friend for the past year or so, we wrote loads of long emails to each other all the time about all sortsa stuff. She really seemed to look for any excuse to hang out with me also. Then maybe about three months ago now, the boyfriend went back to Germany for a while. She invited me out for drinks. It was just us two. I suppose predictably enough we got on really well, got quite intense, we started holding hands, looking into eyes etc etc. Chemistry was great. She told me she was having a really good time and that we should try and extend the night.

I then made perhaps a wrong move. I asked if I could go back to hers to sleep on her sofa later on. She said it was fine. Mind you, then at the end of the night I said to her Id better not, as was thinking couldnt really trust me with a bit of alcohol in me and felt bad for the boyfriend also as he is a nice guy and I do like him.

So she went home alone but told me via text she had had a great night with me. I also started feeling like she was my gf (as stupid as that sounds). Now, this is where things started changing. Its hard to explain, but ever since that night shes been normal enough but there's definitely been a change in the intensity or something. Like she acts friendly when we see each other but something is missing compared to before. She seems colder and more distant. Not hugely, but enough that I notice. She tends to go home a lot earlier now where before she stayed as long as she could talking to me. I asked many women that I know what they thought and nearly all said the same thing, that before on the night with just us two, she had just seen us as friends but then it suddenly hit her that she liked me more than that and suddenly she felt uncomfortable. I thought this as well I think. I asked her though if anything was wrong and she said nothing was.

I must state also that she doesnt have a job atm and relies on her boyfriend to support her until she does, so if they split up she'd have to get benefits - so have a much less easy life, or just go home to Latvia.

Now we went out there last week a few of us, last night before Christmas. Her and the bf came, but they were very late and I was left by myself for ages which annoyed me and I felt she was doing this on purpose (the others had told me already they were going to be delayed). When they did arrive, they only stayed about an hour and a half. Then she said something really weird (in front of the bf). She said that even if you love someone it's normal to want to sleep with others. Everyone else there thought this was a not very subtle hint that I should have made a move on her that night. And she felt rejected or unworthy ever since. But the bf was sitting there when she said this. I could not have dealt with a gf saying that if I was there.

Then they left and we barely even said goodbye to each other, it was like we all knew that was it we wouldn't see each other again, such a contrast to a few months ago. I might be moving abroad for a new job anyway in the new year so this might genuinely be the case.

But more importantly my head has been completely messed up by this. I feel like I can't trust anyone any more. Like maybe in my relationships before girls were sleeping with other guys as well (especially as I had couple of distance ones). I should not of course let one girl change everything for me, but I suppose I really did like her and definitely saw her as a good person in general. Again yes I should have been going for single girls, but you cant change who you are attracted to, especially if she keeps wanting to see you also. But yeah, I probably won't see her again now.

Even if I had got with her that night, she would have probably gone back to the security of the bf anyway, he has a really nice flat and better job than me. Plus they have been together a while. This could have been even harder to deal with. I just kept thinking she was a bitch for saying that. Which is not good. Maybe girls do take rejection much worse than men. Even though when it is for the best they are rejected like here. I don't know, I feel my head is a complete mess ever since that night.

LegacyUser

You say you feel you can't trust anyone yet you're the one about to make a move on someone's girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Firstly, I have to compliment you on having strong will power and respect for other people's relationships. Lots of people wouldn't care if someone had a bf or gf and would happily have slept with them but at the end of the day those people are just enabling the cheaters so if it comes to it in the future they can't be mad if someone sleeps with their partners since they've done it themselves. It'd be hypocritical and to be honest I'd feel no sympathy for them. One of my siblings has been cheated on in the past yet has since slept with someone who was in a relationship so even if they get cheated on in the future guess who will be right there to tell them they deserve it? Me! Zero fuks given if they're related to me. If you don't respect other people's relationships then you don't deserve your relationships to be respected by other people.


Secondly, and most importantly, I want to advise you to do your best to forget about it all and move on. It's honestly better for you that she's already making an effort to not talk to you as much so it'll be easier for you.


Keep this in mind in the future - if you're attracted to a girl in a relationship then it's really just easier to disregard them rather than make an attempt to get close with them/try to sleep with them because what happens even if they do end up sleeping with you?

1: They continue sleeping with you while still in a relationship - this shows they're capable of cheating while completely disrespecting and lying to their partner

2: They end their relationship and try to be with you - this shows they have no issue with monkey branching from one relationship to the next as soon as a better option comes along

Both of these display traits that you simply never want to be aware of if you hope to have a successful relationship with someone. Anyone who is unfaithful in their relationships for you is simply undateable. Also, I have known guys who have slept with girls in relationships and the girls ended the relationships expecting to be with the guys but obviously there was no hope of seriously dating someone who cheated to originally get with them so the guys just tried to keep sleeping with them for as long as possible. This meant that the guys had ruined someone's relationship, like scumbags, and the girls had ended their relationships like idiots. Nobody wins in the long run. One has to be seriously desperate to go to the effort of chasing someone in a relationship. There are millions of single people available to everyone and we have pathetic betas so desperate for sex that they put relationships and friendships at risk lol.

Ethel

Firstly, I think you are completely out of order going after someone else's girlfriend. You seem to think that you can't help who you fall for will excuse what you've been doing. It doesnt. How she has been carrying on around you is something they need to discuss as a couple.

"She said that even if you love someone it's normal to want to sleep with others." May not mean exactly what you think it does. Wanting or fantasizing about it doesn't mean doing it.

I don't know why you are judging all women based on your take of what she said. You're not flying the trustworthy flag yourself. As soon as the boyfriends back was turned you were all over her.

santana75

Op you're over thinking things big time. I know you feel like you had a connection with this girl but The fact is she was already taken and when that's the case you gotta cut her lose. You invested way too much in a girl who wasn't available and that's just a waste of your time. I'm sure she did like you and the attention you gave her and maybe you gave her something her boyfriend couldn't. But she stayed with him that whole time and that says it all.
Just forget about her and Dont invest a minute more of your time in someone who's not available. There are plenty of single women in the world, and I mean plenty, date around and don't put all your eggs in one basket, at least not until you're sure its someone you wanna stay with and its someone who's not already taken.

kjl

It is possible that you are exaggerating her feelings for you?

I have a lot of female friends who I would hold hands with and even kiss on the lips but I have no romantic feelings for them.

It sounds to me like you read into the smallest things and assume that this means she is in love with you.

I'll give you another example. I was going out with this girl a few years ago and before we got together she became friends with this other guy. I met her when they were on a night out together. I got her phone number and met up with her. First thing I asked was "is he your boyfriend" she said no, he is just a friend. But as my relationship progressed with her I realised he was madly in love with her and before her and me became official she was showing texts from him saying "I know you like me". She was asking me how can she tell him she doesn't. When he found out about me he literally flipped the lid and came after her with a knife. He genuinely thought that because they got on well and because they went out together that she was into him.

Op your friend has a boyfriend, if she wanted to be with you she would be. I reckon on the night out she realised you cared for her more than a friend and is now backing off. Nothing to do with your refusal to sleep on her couch.

I would just back off, if she does have feelings for you she will come back to you when she breaks up with her boyfriend, but don't hold your breath.

Paddy Cow

Have you considered that she only saw you as a friend all along? The night you asked to sleep over and then changed your mind might have been her wake up call that she was getting too close to you. She has put a bit of distance between you not out of rejection but to re-establish friendship boundaries.

Rubberchikken

You did the decent thing and didn't move in on someone elses's gf. But i think she only realised that night that you felt like that towards her.
She is very dependent on her bf and might feel disloyal towards him

Maybe with a new year ahead it might be time to move on and meet someone new.

Folders

Thanks for all replies so far. Ill try and reply to most.

Trusting_Thomas wrote: »

You say you feel you can't trust anyone yet you're the one about to make a move on someone's girlfriend?

Ethel wrote: »

Firstly, I think you are completely out of order going after someone else's girlfriend. You seem to think that you can't help who you fall for will excuse what you've been doing. It doesnt. How she has been carrying on around you is something they need to discuss as a couple.

"She said that even if you love someone it's normal to want to sleep with others." May not mean exactly what you think it does. Wanting or fantasizing about it doesn't mean doing it.

I don't know why you are judging all women based on your take of what she said. You're not flying the trustworthy flag yourself. As soon as the boyfriends back was turned you were all over her.

Nope fair play, guilty as charged. Although I finally didnt go through with anything, clearly I was hardly an innocent bystander. Possibly the reason I dont feel great is partly through guilt that I shouldnt have made the moves in the first place. Although Ethel I dont know why she'd say something like that to me. Sure, maybe its a fantasy and she doesn't want to act on it but surely she'd keep it quiet then?

DasNotIt wrote: »

Firstly, I have to compliment you on having strong will power and respect for other people's relationships. Lots of people wouldn't care if someone had a bf or gf and would happily have slept with them but at the end of the day those people are just enabling the cheaters so if it comes to it in the future they can't be mad if someone sleeps with their partners since they've done it themselves.
Keep this in mind in the future - if you're attracted to a girl in a relationship then it's really just easier to disregard them rather than make an attempt to get close with them/try to sleep with them because what happens even if they do end up sleeping with you?

1: They continue sleeping with you while still in a relationship - this shows they're capable of cheating while completely disrespecting and lying to their partner

2: They end their relationship and try to be with you - this shows they have no issue with monkey branching from one relationship to the next as soon as a better option comes along

Thank you. Even though as the other lads say above. I shouldnt have let it get that far. I do feel confused that although I eventually did the right thing in theory, I seem to be the one who lost out. Maybe I deserve this of course. Your two points do show how sleeping with her would have probably ended up badly somewhere.

santana75 wrote: »

Op you're over thinking things big time. I know you feel like you had a connection with this girl but The fact is she was already taken and when that's the case you gotta cut her lose. You invested way too much in a girl who wasn't available and that's just a waste of your time. I'm sure she did like you and the attention you gave her and maybe you gave her something her boyfriend couldn't. But she stayed with him that whole time and that says it all.
Just forget about her and Dont invest a minute more of your time in someone who's not available. There are plenty of single women in the world, and I mean plenty, date around and don't put all your eggs in one basket, at least not until you're sure its someone you wanna stay with and its someone who's not already taken.

Right on. Looking back now, yeah I did spent too much time with her. Its always good to hang out with friends, but if you develop feelings for them then you're going down a dangerous path. You are right, maybe she was in an ideal situation, I provided something her bf couldnt. But obviously financially shes realistically always going to stay with him, four years is a long time plus he provides considerable financial security and all her family knows him yadda yadda.

kjl wrote: »

It is possible that you are exaggerating her feelings for you?

I have a lot of female friends who I would hold hands with and even kiss on the lips but I have no romantic feelings for them.

It sounds to me like you read into the smallest things and assume that this means she is in love with you.

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Have you considered that she only saw you as a friend all along? The night you asked to sleep over and then changed your mind might have been her wake up call that she was getting too close to you. She has put a bit of distance between you not out of rejection but to re-establish friendship boundaries.

Its possible yis are both right but I think its unlikely. I luckily dont fall into the friend zone generally. Not saying now every one woman who meets me gets obsessed but a pattern throughout my life has been that women who get to know me like me a lot or really aren't that bothered. Now she could have just been tagging me along, but I think it's unlikely. Can usually read the signs. Tell the difference between attraction and friendship. Well I hope so.

Folders

Rubberchikken wrote: »

You did the decent thing and didn't move in on someone elses's gf. But i think she only realised that night that you felt like that towards her.
She is very dependent on her bf and might feel disloyal towards him

Maybe with a new year ahead it might be time to move on and meet someone new.

Ya I think I feel frustrated that I did the right thing at the end of the day and she seems to punish me for this. But maybe she didn't know how I felt. And yeah, she is very dependent on the bf all right, if she was financially independent it might be different.

I think Ill stay away from her for six months or so, even if I do stay here. Probably best for everyone.

Taltos

Folders,

You may wish to re-read your last post. This is a close to zero tolerance forum and flippant remarks one assumes are a joke in relation to taking a knife to another person will result in an immediate ban if repeated. The only reasson you aren't at least carded is because you appear to be new here.

If you haven't already done so please read our charter now before you post again.

Taltos

Folders

Taltos wrote: »

Folders,

You may wish to re-read your last post. This is a close to zero tolerance forum and flippant remarks one assumes are a joke in relation to taking a knife to another person will result in an immediate ban if repeated. The only reasson you aren't at least carded is because you appear to be new here.

If you haven't already done so please read our charter now before you post again.

Taltos

Yeah hi Taltos sorry about that. Yeah was supposed to be a joke but was in bad taste, especially for this forum. I'll change it and be more careful with future posts.

Folders

Faith

Folders wrote: »

I asked many women that I know what they thought and nearly all said the same thing, that before on the night with just us two, she had just seen us as friends but then it suddenly hit her that she liked me more than that and suddenly she felt uncomfortable.

With all due respect, OP, you're looking at things from a totally self-centred point of view. Chances actually are, she realised that you saw her as more than friends, and she's pulling back from you. She's making it very clear, short of saying it straight out.

Her inviting you everywhere with her boyfriend means nothing. My fiancé and I are often out with 1 other friend. It means nothing, other than we're all great friends. She clearly assumed you got on with her boyfriend well, and that's why she invited you places with both of them.

Honestly, I think you've completely misread the situation. She saw you as a great friend, and thought it was very clear that she was in a relationship so she wasn't interested in you romantically. When she realised you felt differently to her, she reacted immaturely but commonly - by obviously distancing herself from you.

I think that there's no doubt that she knows how you feel, and she isn't interested. I also think you're right in distancing yourself from her. It's not a healthy headspace to be in, where you think it's cool to try and seduce a woman away from her partner for your own gain. You need to forget about her now, IMO.

missjm

OP, speaking as a female, I think this is where there is actually a fairly big divide between men and women. I have plenty of male friends and the thought would never cross my mind that one of them would fancy me or make a move on me. However, in the past it has happened and has ruined some friendships. I've been very close to some of these male friends, hugs, kisses, holding hands - because I felt comfortable with them and was led to believe we were only friends. I had one male "friend" really push his luck one night to the point of assault and I no longer speak to him. As far as he was concerned, because we got on well together then we should be sleeping together etc.

From what you have said, I do think you misread the situation with this friend. She's putting distance there now as she's uncomfortable with things.

Starokan

I would say she realised that you two were getting to close and that she had to choose, she chose her current boyfriend and I would imagine she is now intent on making that work.

To make that work she will have to cut contact with you, my advice would be move on and forget, you are actually better off with less contact because all you will end up doing is obsessing over someone that has chosen someone else.

If her relationship ends at some stage and she comes back to you then you can decide what to do, until then I would stay away from her as you are only damaging yourself in the long run.

These triangle type situations are very messy and very damaging for all parties. Stay clear

GalwayGuitar

Op you should have kissed her that night and then you should have gone home and slept with her. And you should not feel guilty since you were single and its pretty obvious she wanted you.

I suspect you rejecting her was a serious blow to her ego and that is why she suddenly became cold. I've been on the receiving end of this too.

Now my advice would be to cut off all contact. Don't text, facebook or email her. If she contacts you first, be polite but cool. Hopefully she'll miss you and in time she'll chill out. Even better would be to forget all about her and hook up with some other girls.

Believe me I know the pain of missed opportunities, it really can wreck your head. The sooner you hook up with another girl the better.

GalwayGuitar

missjm wrote: »

OP, speaking as a female, I think this is where there is actually a fairly big divide between men and women. I have plenty of male friends and the thought would never cross my mind that one of them would fancy me or make a move on me. However, in the past it has happened and has ruined some friendships. I've been very close to some of these male friends, hugs, kisses, holding hands - because I felt comfortable with them and was led to believe we were only friends. I had one male "friend" really push his luck one night to the point of assault and I no longer speak to him. As far as he was concerned, because we got on well together then we should be sleeping together etc.

From what you have said, I do think you misread the situation with this friend. She's putting distance there now as she's uncomfortable with things.

To be fair if your hanging out with a girl and you find her attractive and sound you'll probably want to sleep with her. That's just how men think.

Probably best if men and women don't try to be friends.

Shrap

Here's how I imagine it went.

I'd say the girl said that in front of her bf possibly because the same words came out of his mouth when they talked about what had happened, and it was as close to a public declaration of how they are handling it as she could get. Her bf was away, yes? She had feelings for you, that is clear, and you for her. A night where she might have disastrously cheated on her bf was averted, by you, and she went home and possibly chewed herself up over it and what a calamity it could have been - there and then she must have had to have a long soul-searching think, and possibly did the right thing and talked to her bf, telling him how she feels about you and how close she had come to cheating.

Cue a mature and grown up chat between them where they realise that relationships aren't all plain sailing, one or both people may fancy others or have love for others during a relationship, that if they are committed to each other this is one out of many bumps in the road....etc., followed by renewed commitments to each other and declarations of love.

And cue the both of them feeling much less comfortable around you, the other man. I think you should be proud of yourself that you didn't go as far as you could though, even though you are clearly cut up about it all now. Fair play to you and good luck in your future (hopefully one day there'll be a woman who isn't already in a relationship!).

sReq | uTeK

missjm wrote: »

OP, speaking as a female, I think this is where there is actually a fairly big divide between men and women. I have plenty of male friends and the thought would never cross my mind that one of them would fancy me or make a move on me. However, in the past it has happened and has ruined some friendships. I've been very close to some of these male friends, hugs, kisses, holding hands - because I felt comfortable with them and was led to believe we were only friends. I had one male "friend" really push his luck one night to the point of assault and I no longer speak to him. As far as he was concerned, because we got on well together then we should be sleeping together etc.

From what you have said, I do think you misread the situation with this friend. She's putting distance there now as she's uncomfortable with things.

Holding hands, hugs, kisses....clearly not leading people on or giving mixed signals