I think I have offended a friend

newmug

Hi Ladies Loungers. This is long, but I'd really appreciate a bit of help.


I think I really fcuked up the other night. I don't know what to do about it. A friend asked me for some male advice, and it didn't end well.


Lets call my friend T. T is a stunner. She is easily in the top 5% of good looking, "good catch" type women in Ireland. She's the type of young wan who would win the Rose of Tralee as a warm-up to Miss Universe. She has the looks, the brains, the job (teacher), she grew up on a farm and she was in the defence forces, so she's no wallflower either. This girl has it all, but the icing on the cake is her class. Think of Amelia Earhart meets a blonde Kate Middleton. T doesn't walk into a room, she glides. When she speaks, her voice sounds harmonious. Every little movement she makes has something a little bit flirtatious about it, and you'd think to yourself "did she just do that? Nah its just my mind", then she'd look at you with a mischievous grin that conveys to you that she is the one in control, and yes, she probably did just rev you up to keep you on your toes.


So the other night I met T in a certain pub. She asked me how my fiancé and kids were, all the usual small-talk. Then she said to me, "I've come to the conclusion that men don't like me. Wherever I go, no men ever come over to chat me up. You're a man, tell me what's wrong!"


Right! What do you say to that? My fiancé always tells me I'm too blunt. I wouldn't call it that, I'd say I'm logical and honest. Either way, I tried to keep that in mind. T was already in a bit of a mood, so I decided to proceed with caution. The conversation went something like this:




Me: Don't worry, you're easily the most beautiful young wan in this pub. You could have any man you wanted in the place.
T: Well why aren't they coming over then?
Me: Well T, its not the 1950's anymore, the men don't just come over and try to woo the women with their charm. You have to do a bit of the work too.
T: I know that Newmug, but me approaching them is not the answer. What I want is a man with BALLS! I want someone who has the heart to chat me up and prove to me that they're a real man.


At this point, I should state that the pub we were in is NOT the place you'd find a man like that. We were in the posers pub of the town, the place where a pint is 15c dearer than everywhere else, making the place FULL of wannabee middle-class heads who look the part, but struggle to keep diesel in the car. Most of the men there were taken anyway, and the ones who weren't were the skinny-jean hairdresser type. Every town has one of these places.


Me: *Thinking how I'll put this diplomatically* You see T, you're a really, really good looking girl. You're basically in a different league to the girls any of these lads would go for. (Cloud comes over T's face). If you wanted any of these men, you could have them. But to be honest, I think you're being a little bit fussy. You need to be a bit more casual.
T: I'm not fussy. Are you saying I should dumb myself down? There's nothing wrong with these men, except they haven't the balls to chat me up!
Me: *Eh, that's the point!* Well what about M.R. then? He was besotted with you a few years ago! What was wrong with him?


The cloud darkened on T's face. MR is a man we both know, who has balls of steel. But looks wise, he's not blessed!
T: Sure he's married now.


I thought for a minute. I mentioned MR to T on purpose, to point out that she kinda was a bit fussy about her men. But, feck it, she's dead right! Why settle for second best when you know you can have the best! T is the kind of girl who should marry a vet, or a surgeon or an army officer. So I mention an army officer we both know. Balls, 100. Personality, zero.


Me: What about CK?
T: *Eyelids flapping* Why, was he asking about me?
Me: No, but he definitely has balls. The question is, could you listen to him for the rest of your life?
T: (Best comeback I've heard this year) Well I'm well used to special needs kids!


At this stage, T was getting more and more p1ssed off. I decided to try and cheer her up, obviously that was the right thing to do.


Me: Sure don't worry, you'll find someone who's right for ya. Sure all the lads used to fancy ya! Even I had the hots for ya years ago.


T's expression changed again, more p1ssed off than ever now. Newmug notices this, and my alpha male brain convinces me to continue, I can fix it!


Me: Sure you're in supermodel status, it'll be grand, you'll get someone eventually!




That was it. T ignored me for the rest of the night.


On one hand, I'd like to know what exactly I said that was so wrong so I don't make the same mistake again, AND to try and rectify the situation. I want to understand. Even reading back on it there now, I cant see why T's mood worsened at the very times I was trying to improve things. There's obviously a link, but why were my efforts having the EXACT OPPOSITE effect than I intended? But on the other hand, I don't really care about the situation. Fcuk it, it was a drunken conversation on a sh1t night out.


But, I DO care that I have hurt T. That was the very, very last thing I wanted to do. The way she stormed off, it was like I had deeply wounded her, and she'll never speak to me again. I wonder if herself esteem is up to scratch? Maybe I was trampling all over it? What can I do to mend fences? I want to be able to continue to be her friend. She obviously trusted me enough to bring up a conversation like that in the first place, how can I make amends for this big mess?

Catari Jaguar

Maybe stop basing her worth on her looks?

newmug

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

Maybe stop basing her worth on her looks?

Cool! I'll take that on board. Which bit above was based too much on her looks? Apart from the very last line, I didn't really emphasise her looks. How can I make this better?

Catari Jaguar

newmug wrote: »

Cool! I'll take that on board. Which bit above was based too much on her looks? Apart from the very last line, I didn't really emphasise her looks. How can I make this better?

You said lots of nice things in the opening paragraph about her, but to her, you said she was a supermodel you had hots for her, could have any guy yadda...

But tbh, she sounds like a huffy princess, leave her be. Ingrateful to throw your advice back in your face. Be better off talking to a female friend, but she knows they'd tell her to cop on with her nit picking fussiness. Sounds kinda up herself.

Greenmachine

Maybe she needs a new hobby. Somewhere other than a pub to meet a new suitor.

newmug

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

You said lots of nice things in the opening paragraph about her, but to her, you said she was a supermodel you had hots for her, could have any guy yadda...

But tbh, she sounds like a huffy princess, leave her be. Ingrateful to throw your advice back in your face. Be better off talking to a female friend, but she knows they'd tell her to cop on with her nit picking fussiness. Sounds kinda up herself.

Ah in fairness, she's not. She's actually very down to Earth. Maybe she was just in a bad mood. But yea, good point about what I said TO her versus what I thought ABOUT her. In my mind, what I said to her would kinda automatically demonstrate all that, but maybe not.


So anyway, how can I fix this? My heart feels like I owe her an apology or something, but my head is saying "for what?" I want to be able to have a decent conversation with her when I meet her again, at the moment I'm sensing that I've crossed some imaginary line whereby I have fatally wounded our friendship.

Catari Jaguar

Oh the irony of her talking about men having balls and you freaking out that you upset her and walking on eggshells....

newmug

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

Oh the irony of her talking about men having balls and you freaking out that you upset her and walking on eggshells....

The balls she was referring to were the balls to approach her romantically. I would consider being concerned with hurting someone emotionally, eventhough you had no romantic intentions, and then trying to do something about it, very ballsy indeed. Most lads wouldn't give it a second thought, demonstrating no balls, AND no character.

The Black Oil

newmug wrote: »

On one hand, I'd like to know what exactly I said that was so wrong so I don't make the same mistake again, AND to try and rectify the situation. I want to understand. Even reading back on it there now, I cant see why T's mood worsened at the very times I was trying to improve things. There's obviously a link, but why were my efforts having the EXACT OPPOSITE effect than I intended?

Listen more, preach less.

One eyed Jack

newmug wrote: »

So the other night I met T in a certain pub. She asked me how my fiancé and kids were, all the usual small-talk. Then she said to me, "I've come to the conclusion that men don't like me. Wherever I go, no men ever come over to chat me up. You're a man, tell me what's wrong!"


Right! What do you say to that?

I often encounter these situations, and I simply keep my mouth shut, because anything I say after that point is automatically going to be wrong.

How do I "fix" it? I don't.

And the rationale behind the above is that I figure my friend is fishing for compliments, a confidence boost, which is something that I just don't entertain. I'm honest with my friends too, so they know better than to expect I'll ever be a good listener when they want "a man's opinion". I'm a man, but I can't speak for all men, so what I find attractive in someone isn't going to be particularly useful when that person is wondering why other people don't see in them what I see in them, and if they know me and respect me as their equal and as their friend, they know better than to ask what I think are stupid questions.

I don't think you're going to get any useful advice on how to "fix" things with your friend either as you're just doing what your friend did to you - expecting that just because you're a man, that all men think with a hive mind. Women don't have a hive mind either as far as I'm aware. You know your friend better than anyone here, and if your friend actually respects you as her friend, she'll eventually realise she was being a bit silly and it's not worth arguing over.

allym

Your friend sounds like an absolute attention seeker.

The advice you gave her was sound. If she wants to talk to a man and he's not approaching her, she should approach him. Maybe she is too picky.

There's nothing in what you said that she could possibly take offense to, IMO.

Pat Mustard

newmug wrote: »

So the other night I met T in a certain pub. She asked me how my fiancé and kids were, all the usual small-talk. Then she said to me, "I've come to the conclusion that men don't like me. Wherever I go, no men ever come over to chat me up. You're a man, tell me what's wrong!"

This question may have been a bit of a hand grenade!

newmug wrote: »

On one hand, I'd like to know what exactly I said that was so wrong so I don't make the same mistake again, AND to try and rectify the situation. I want to understand. Even reading back on it there now, I cant see why T's mood worsened at the very times I was trying to improve things. There's obviously a link, but why were my efforts having the EXACT OPPOSITE effect than I intended? But on the other hand, I don't really care about the situation. Fcuk it, it was a drunken conversation on a sh1t night out.

But, I DO care that I have hurt T. That was the very, very last thing I wanted to do. The way she stormed off, it was like I had deeply wounded her, and she'll never speak to me again. I wonder if herself esteem is up to scratch? Maybe I was trampling all over it? What can I do to mend fences? I want to be able to continue to be her friend. She obviously trusted me enough to bring up a conversation like that in the first place, how can I make amends for this big mess?

I don't know your friend but perhaps she didn't mean for you to analyze her to locate the source of her problem and perhaps she became upset when you did that.

Just guessing.

Littlekittylou

Sure you're in supermodel status, it'll be grand, you'll get someone eventually!

She will. When she wants someone.

They come when you least expect them ;-)

There are loads of hot guys with balls around she will find one or one will find her more likely.

Don't worry about these things. Not sure if you are being serious or making the thing up but forget about it she will.

newmug

Littlekittylou wrote: »

She will. When she wants someone.

They come when you least expect them ;-)

There are loads of hot guys with balls around she will find one or one will find her more likely.

Don't worry about these things. Not sure if you are being serious or making the thing up but forget about it she will.

Why the fluck would I make this up???

TheBeardedLady

I can't see why she'd be angry about that to the point of ignoring you. Talk about childish! The only thing I can see that might've caused an issue is the fussy comment or perhaps she felt you were dismissing her complaints by telling her she'll meet someone easily because she's very hot when it evidently hasn't been that easy for her.


To me it just sounds like a stupid drunken conversation that I wouldn't lose any sleep over. I wouldn't apologise for anything there tbh if that was how the conversation went, I'd just carry on as normal next time I see her. That kind of drama gives me a pain in the hole tbh.

Littlekittylou

newmug wrote: »

Why the fluck would I make this up???

In your own mind I mean. I can't see how she could be offended.

Is it possible you are just making it up to yourself and being too serious about it all?

Just forget about it. It doesn't matter.

Dance at her wedding.

She wants a hot guy to sweep her off her feet she will find one eventually most people do.

I think you are reading too much into it.

She was rude and difficult to you.

It's nothing to do with you.

I am thinking it's way bigger in your mind than everyone else's. Forget about it.

Why would you make it up? Well it seems too unbelievable to be real. So in a way your mind did make it up. Or blew it up out of proportion.

Some touchy person got touchy. I am sorry that your feelings got hurt. But don't let it take up any more of your head space.

Ave Sodalis

Just offering another perspective on it but would it be possible that she thought you were lying to her? My whole way through secondary school I never got one glimpse from a guy. Not one and because of it, I just assumed I was too ugly to be worth anyone's time or attention. The only compliments I got were from my family and close family friends and what they were saying didn't add up. So I just assumed they were lying to me to make me feel better.

That changed when I went to college but to this day, I can't take compliments very well. I think your friend might be going through something similar. You're saying "ah you're grand, you can have any man you want, don't worry about it" but to her mind, nobody is interested in her because they aren't bothered talking to her and what your telling her isn't adding up. Add drink to that mix which exaggerates emotion and you've got a girl who's being told she can get any guy and yet no guy seems to want her, I'm not really that surprised she didn't take it well. She's having a confidence crisis and you've essentially dismissed it with (what she may or may not see as) lies.

newmug

@ LittlyKitty, I'm not making any of this up or exaggerating it. I've cut out loads to make it as short as possible, but yiz have the gist of the conversation there. The girl was on the verge of tears, I felt as though it was my fault. At one point I did mention that maybe she had self esteem issues if she thinks that nobody likes her, but it wasn't pursued, she dismissed that idea straight away.




@ Supdude, you may be on to something. At one stage, I kinda thought that T thought I was coming on to her. Which I wasn't. But it may be related to a conflicting "getting compliments versus reality" situation.

The Black Oil wrote: »

Listen more, preach less.

Go on, I'm listening. Expand on this, all advice is welcome.








@ everybody saying she's a drama queen type person, she really isn't. I cant emphasise enough how un-drama queen like she is. As sound people go, she's one of the soundest, level-headed, most appreciative people I have ever encountered. She honestly is a special person, worthy of a good man. And I think that's the problem. She knows this, and (rightly) doesn't want to sell herself short. She's looking for her Mister Darcy, and is frustrated that all she's getting are Hectors!

Littlekittylou

sup_dude wrote: »

Just offering another perspective on it but would it be possible that she thought you were lying to her? My whole way through secondary school I never got one glimpse from a guy. Not one and because of it, I just assumed I was too ugly to be worth anyone's time or attention. The only compliments I got were from my family and close family friends and what they were saying didn't add up. So I just assumed they were lying to me to make me feel better.

That changed when I went to college but to this day, I can't take compliments very well. I think your friend might be going through something similar. You're saying "ah you're grand, you can have any man you want, don't worry about it" but to her mind, nobody is interested in her because they aren't bothered talking to her and what your telling her isn't adding up. Add drink to that mix which exaggerates emotion and you've got a girl who's being told she can get any guy and yet no guy seems to want her, I'm not really that surprised she didn't take it well. She's having a confidence crisis and you've essentially dismissed it with (what she may or may not see as) lies.

People say I am pretty.

But to be honest I have never had a man who has been have way decent to me. I am being serious here. I have made poor choices. I have been through hell.

I am very very shy and very cautious about making sure I don't make a poor choice in future. This combination of needing to make sure I go after nice guys with the shyness makes it a little hard.

OP I think all you can say is.' I am your friend and I am here for you'.

Maybe you could offer to introduce her to some NICE guys.

And just tell her that you understand her feelings but that it will happen for her.

Tell her you can take her out a few times and introduce her to a few guys?

meeeeh

newmug wrote: »

@ everybody saying she's a drama queen type person, she really isn't. I cant emphasise enough how un-drama queen like she is. As sound people go, she's one of the soundest, level-headed, most appreciative people I have ever encountered. She honestly is a special person, worthy of a good man. And I think that's the problem. She knows this, and (rightly) doesn't want to sell herself short. She's looking for her Mister Darcy, and is frustrated that all she's getting are Hectors!

Frankly the whole conversation and your attitude towards other people seem extremely annoying or you were both drunk. If later I don't think anybody can predict how a drunken person will react so I wouldn't worry. But seriously nobody glides, people walk. How do you know there was nobody good enough there for her? Nobody with balls? You two just both seem full of prejudices about people around you. She is just a mere mortal and as such some will like her and some won't (even in that pub). While there are some advantages for good looking people (according to research I couldn't be bothered checking the references for) they are nowhere near big enough to get her any man she wants. You seem almost smitten with this girl and not talking to her like she is on a pedestal might help.

Btw I always find slightly uncomfortable if someone in a relationship starts explaining to me how they used to fancy me. I am not saying you said something inappropriate but it could have been worded wrongly or she misunderstood you and it can get very sticky.

Tarzana2

newmug wrote: »

@ everybody saying she's a drama queen type person, she really isn't. I cant emphasise enough how un-drama queen like she is. As sound people go, she's one of the soundest, level-headed, most appreciative people I have ever encountered. She honestly is a special person, worthy of a good man.

Erm, are you in love with this woman?

Novella

The entire conversation sounds like a non-event to me and not worth a seconds more thought. You seem to be rather fixated on it, and on this woman. Do you owe her an apology? Not in my opinion. I think you should completely forget about it.

On a sidenote, I would find it somewhat weird if my fiancé wrote such an in-depth post on an internet forum about a chat he'd had with another woman. You absolutely sing her praises, coming across as infatuated with her and are hung up on the thought that you've offended her. It does read like you have feelings for her.

MileyReilly

Jesus if I was your other half I'd be very worried about you being in love with T. Very weird. You couldn't be more into her.

spurious

Your supermodel friend should be looking for a decent bloke, not a hot one, balls or otherwise. The your post went on so much about her looks it came across as a bit odd.
The right guy for her might even wear skinny jeans. You never know. There are plenty of really good looking girls who choose what others see as ordinary looking lads.
As regards making up with her, just say you talk too much and are sorry.

Neyite

Sounds to me that she was already in a mood and nothing you could have said would have made a difference to that mood.

We all have droughts relationship-wise. But you can't expect to go out on the pull and not have someone be interested in the physical package. My mother used to say that you'll never meet the right person in a club and in a way she has a point. Any long term success I met as friends of friends or through work. It could also be that she was too dolled up suggesting high maintenance to some. My best pulling outfit was jeans, tight tee, and boots. In a little black dress and heels I rarely got a sniff. I put it down to me seeming more down to earth and approachable in more casual attire. That I was out for a laugh rather than the srz biznez of Finding The One. Desperation can be sensed.

And maybe I'm stating the obvious, but she was there standing with a big moody head on her talking to a bloke. Any potential suitor would assume you were a couple having a tiff and not come near you both.

I don't think you said anything wrong really.

Soft Falling Rain

newmug wrote: »

@ everybody saying she's a drama queen type person, she really isn't. I cant emphasise enough how un-drama queen like she is. As sound people go, she's one of the soundest, level-headed, most appreciative people I have ever encountered. She honestly is a special person, worthy of a good man. And I think that's the problem. She knows this, and (rightly) doesn't want to sell herself short. She's looking for her Mister Darcy, and is frustrated that all she's getting are Hectors!

Let her worry about that so! I don't mean this in a harsh way but it's not something that you should be getting so worked up over.

I think your friend is also getting worked up over nothing, online dating sounds like it might be up her street tbh.

Betty Bloggs

The way you speak in such great detail about her beauty and her other traits really make you sound like you feel much more for her than just friendship feelings!

I think most people would have just said "I've a very goodlooking friend who's also a nice and intelligent person" ....., not started rating their friend into what percentage category of hotness they fell into, how very few or else nobody in an area could compare to their beauty, how they "glide" instead of walk, how you often get the feeling due to her "mischievous grin" that she is being flirtatious with you just to 'rev you up and keep you on your toes'.

Wtf like? People don't speak about platonic friends like that. Seeing as you appear to ascribe to the idea of leagues of hotness and stuff, do you think you are out of hers and if she suddenly admitted to you that she was mad about you, be honest,would you question your own relationship with fiance if you didn't already have a family together? Sorry if I'm on the wrong track here, but your post comes across like you are infatuated with her in a romantic way and I'm not the only one who has read it that way.

I am also of the opinion that she was fishing for compliments for an ego boost, but seeing as you see her as so perfect you might unintentionally be blind to that. Just something to consider.

I think the line that may have pissed her off was :

" Sure all the lads used to fancy ya! Even I had the hots for ya years ago. "

All past tense and then your next supermodel comment may have looked like back pedalling when you realised you said she used to be hot.
(even though you still obviously think she's beautiful, it's just the way it might have come across to her)

Is there any chance she has a thing for you and didn't like hearing you say that you used to think she was hot 'years ago' ?
Either that or maybe she hated the idea of you ever thinking she was hot in the first place because she sees you as just a friend, but the reason I'm wondering if she's the type who is attention seeking and wants to hear that ALL men including you fancy her is because you mentioned her being flirtatious...

Hard to tell really, but I wouldn't get too worked up about it. Just say you don't know what it is that upset her but it was not your intention to do so, that she's a great person (a little less of the good looks compliments maybe) and that somebody single and suitable will come along eventually.

miamee

One thing to note here. We've just had Christmas and New Year is coming up. It can be a very lonely time if you're single but don't want to be and this may have her feeling a bit down. She's only human. She probably wanted you to listen and tell her there was nothing wrong with her. Not saying "What about such and such?" when you knew they were unsuitable for one reason or another. Did you really suggest a married man? REALLY? Knowing the only men you deem suitable for her are taken or of no interest to her is not helpful to her.

I'm sure she is fine about it and just down about the situation in general. You meant well and she did put you on the spot. If she can't see that then she's not the perfect person you seem to think she is. Nobody is perfect

Tarzana2

Neyite wrote: »

My mother used to say that you'll never meet the right person in a club and in a way she has a point.

Arrah, I don't know about that. Loads of couples in this country, married or otherwise, met in da club. Even if you met through work or friends, physical attraction is hugely important.

kylith

I think the problem may have been that you tried to fix her problem when all she may have wanted was for you to tell her that these guys were obviously a bunch of spineless wusses.

Tarzana2

MileyReilly wrote: »

Jesus if I was your other half I'd be very worried about you being in love with T. Very weird.

My thoughts too! Even down to gushing about the job she has. (a very commonplace job)

celica00

I havent read all the answers but I can relate a lot to her.
I was in the same position and was wondering why guys wouldn't have the balls.

On the one hand, "we" are independent strong women but on the other hand we sometimes also just want someone who takes charge of the situation and show some balls.

That includes the very first step and even though we write the year 2014, I think it is okay that some women prefer that way.
Since independent women tend to scare men away (yes it is true and have seen it myself over the years), men just won't approach us.

Anyway, before I write too much:

please tell T following:

STOP looking
STOP looking in pups/on nights out for "the one".

she has to learn that...not kidding...especially for a woman like her.

the best bet would be, to find someone while sharing the same interest. let's say for example she loves doing a sport class and meets him in one of those classes. etc etc.

Please confirm you told her that haha

Tasden

This entire thread was just very strange.

If she's annoyed at you then she should tell you, not leave you guessing. If she hasn't told you then just ask her if she is. If she says no (even if you sense she is lying) then all you can do is accept her answer. If she says she is, ask her why and go from there.

Fwiw she sounds to me like a head melt fishing for compliments but obviously we don't know her so can't tell you anything, you need to talk to her. I cant for the life of me see how any of that conversation meant anything/was offensive /was noteworthy tbh.

anewme

The whole conversation reads like a bad 50 shades of grey novel.

For some reason the gliding into the room bit (is she on roller skates?) and the harmonious voice really rubbed me up the wrong way. That whole paragraph describing her is probably one of the worst things I have ever read. No offence OP. If I were your girlfriend I would give you a kick in the backside as its totally inappropriate.

I agree the person was fishing for compliments and I would reckon is aware that the OP is fawning over her and looking for notice. Then getting into a strop over nothing.

Needless drama.

Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

LynnGrace

Sounds like drunken conversation best forgotten by all parties.

Tbh the comment about 'being used to listening to special needs kids' doesn't paint her in the best of lights, in my opinion.

anewme

newmug wrote: »

T is the kind of girl who should marry a vet, or a surgeon or an army officer.

celica00 wrote: »

please tell T following:

STOP looking
STOP looking in pups/on nights out for "the one".

Candy_Girl

meeeeh wrote: »

Btw I always find slightly uncomfortable if someone in a relationship starts explaining to me how they used to fancy me. I am not saying you said something inappropriate but it could have been worded wrongly or she misunderstood you and it can get very sticky.

This...Maybe It just sounded wrong because you were drunk, maybe she just feels uncomfortable around you now so she's keeping her distance.

Katgurl

This is a serious question -

Does your friend have many female close friends?

If the answer is no then I am guessing that she is an attention-seeking pain in the g€€ who cruises on her looks and needs to believe all men fancy her and girls don't like her because they are jealous of her (I know my fair share of absolute stunners and have never known jealousy issues to get in the way of great friendships). You really do sound like you fancy her tbh. The description was way ott. How big headed is she to assume the ONLY reason guys weren't approaching her was because they were afraid? Did it occur to her at least some of them weren't because a) they were attached b) she was not their type (nobody is everyone's type no matter how beautiful) c) she looks like a moany miserable c**t or d) they were not on the pull? Seriously talk about self-obsessed.

If however she is genuinely a nice down to earth girl with plenty of female friends who wanted a male perspective then the only explanations I have are that she was in a bad mood and nothing was going to shake it, especially being told that people USED to fancy her. She possibly did get uncomfortable with you declaring your previous interest but I don't really think that was the cause.

The Corinthian

OP it's pretty clear you have at least a crush on her and that she sees you as her intellectual whore. This means that it's your role to entertain and comfort her - maybe even be allowed to sleep in the same bed, to spoon her and develop humongous blue balls, after her boyfriend, who treats her badly but still gets to do things to her that you will never, ever do, and she have a fight.

So to add, firstly advice was not actually what she expected; she sought validation. Secondly, telling her that you once fancied her, indeed that you have any sexuality of your own, was also unwelcome as she does not even want to think of you that way. She may also be a wonderful person otherwise (though at least from your description, she strikes me as your typical high-maintenance borderline type), but that's how she sees you.

This is why she's annoyed and not talking to you - bad intellectual whore; you didn't fulfill your role. Now forget about the whole fiasco and go tell your fiance how much you love her.

meeeeh

Katgurl wrote: »

This is a serious question -

Does your friend have many female close friends?

If the answer is no then I am guessing that she is an attention-seeking pain in the g€€ who cruises on her looks and needs to believe all men fancy her and girls don't like her because they are jealous of her (I know my fair share of absolute stunners and have never known jealousy issues to get in the way of great friendships).

What is this, a thread for silly character assessments on the basis of one's own prejudices?

RDM_83 again

To say it bluntly if she is actually your friend this conversation shouldn't matter (unless she now thinks you fancy her), Myself and every man I know has dug themselves into a few holes with female friends/partners it happens its not the end of the world if you actually get on as people.

I have no idea what's going on tbh.
you write an ode to your friend full of adulation while you're not actually single yourself, beyond the bounds of what's appropriate, you insult the patrons of the pub at length then tell her she's too fussy if she can't get them, tell her she could have had anyone a few years ago but not now (used to, used to, years ago, used to, ps did I mention you're past it) then tell her you want her too
I can understand her being drunk and looking for some validation, didn't work out, she's upset because she thinks she's forever alone, and you having a crush on her decide it's all your fault

I think it'd be best if you both forgot about it. And maybe remind yourself of the good qualities of your own girlfriend in the meantime

dellas1979

Your (ahem) *friend* was simply projecting her frustrations onto you.

It isnt actually anything to do with you at all. Noone can give advice in these situations. Just listen and nod.

But, if you fancied her (or fancy am not sure) years ago, why didnt you make a move on her? That would be more telling/honest (for her) why you didnt.

Ave Sodalis

I'm not sure why everyone is judging her so harshly. If you suffer from confidence issues, you're going to think "no man would want me" on more than one occassion, and in the case of T., that was also a reality. Add alcohol, and she was probably just voicing something that's gone through her mind many times.

Then the OP goes and tells her all these things which aren't true for her. There was also a lot of past tense, and suggestions of people who were already married before the OP goes on to give another suggestion of someone who is not only meant to be getting married but was currently sitting in front of her and was supposed to be her friend (i.e. himself). She may have been attention seeking but it sounds to me like she was just venting and the OP made her feel uncomfortable.

sup_dude

sup_dude wrote: »

I'm not sure why everyone is judging her so harshly. If you suffer from confidence issues, you're going to think "no man would want me" on more than one occassion, and in the case of T., that was also a reality. Add alcohol, and she was probably just voicing something that's gone through her mind many times.

Then the OP goes and tells her all these things which aren't true for her. There was also a lot of past tense, and suggestions of people who were already married before the OP goes on to give another suggestion of someone who is not only meant to be getting married but was currently sitting in front of her and was supposed to be her friend (i.e. himself). She may have been attention seeking but it sounds to me like she was just venting and the OP made her feel uncomfortable.

I think the same. It sounds like she was down in the dumps and having a rant "why does nobody want meeeee". I think people are being a bit harsh.

DoYouEvenLift

"My alpha male brain"


The irony of that statement being part of a long essay-like thread posted by someone worried about having offended some self entitled princess.


Don't apologise. Don't even acknowledge that you did or said anything wrong because from what I read in the OP you didn't. How old is she, by the way?

RDM_83 again

bluewolf wrote: »

I think the same. It sounds like she was down in the dumps and having a rant "why does nobody want meeeee". I think people are being a bit harsh.

Aye but its an intensely irritating sort of rant* that I am sure a lot of people have heard before so we're projecting what we wanted to say in that situation (rather than the sensible nod, sad face, thats tough, you'l be ok that we actually did ).

*When coming from somebody that isn't trying to fix the problem as it appears to be the case

Saralee4

op you are definitely just mates with her?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Can't see anything to take offence over there. She actually sounds like a high maintenance princess who's head is beat up her own hole, being honest with you.

Ave Sodalis

When I was suffering from severe confidence issues, I never told anyone. It's not in my nature to speak about myself too often. This thread is making me glad I didn't say anything... No wonder there's a problem with mental health in this country. Yes, some people are attention seeking and some people are whinny. However, reading over the OP and the fact that the OP was completely unprepared to deal with answering, I'm going to assume that this isn't a regular occurance and T. doesn't constantly go on and on fishing for compliments. It's quite sad that someone can't voice their confidence problems without being branded a "self entitled/high maintenence princess" with "her head up her own hole" that's just "fishing for compliments". The OP handled it badly and T reacted badly, both of which may have been exaggerated due to drink.

One eyed Jack

sup_dude wrote: »

When I was suffering from severe confidence issues, I never told anyone. It's not in my nature to speak about myself too often. This thread is making me glad I didn't say anything... No wonder there's a problem with mental health in this country. Yes, some people are attention seeking and some people are whinny. However, reading over the OP and the fact that the OP was completely unprepared to deal with answering, I'm going to assume that this isn't a regular occurance and T. doesn't constantly go on and on fishing for compliments. It's quite sad that someone can't voice their confidence problems without being branded a "self entitled/high maintenence princess" with "her head up her own hole" that's just "fishing for compliments". The OP handled it badly and T reacted badly, both of which may have been exaggerated due to drink.

I think it was just the way the OP related the details (too MUCH detail really ) of the interaction, but yeah some comments here are definitely just as OTT as the OP's badly worded musings.

FWIW I hadn't thought anyone was actually taking this seriously, and I would certainly hope the OP, and his friend are over it by now.