Feeling Lonely/feelings for someone

LegacyUser

Hey folks,
I wasn't sure whether to put this in personal issues or in here but since the feelings are stemming largely from one person I thought this would be more appropriate. Apologies if not.

I've been single for quite a while and I'M normally OK with it, I lead a busy life so don't really have the time to focus on it. However for the past few days I've been getting down about it; partly because of being at home and seeing friends in relationships but largely because I've met someone I used to have feelings for a few times over the past month and the feelings have kinda come back. I don't feel like it would be right to say anything about it as we agreed we were best as friends a few years back, and I really wouldn't like to ruin a nice friendship.

I'm having trouble being OK with this though, despite the fact I'm convinced it's the best thing to do. I can't shake all the 'what ifs' and so on. If anyone has dealt with similar situations in the past advice would be appreciated.

honey79

I can understand where your coming from on this and I think this time of the year tends to make us all think

I'm great at telling people to go for it when I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself so you really need to weight it up and decide
can you live with the what if's for the rest of your life , from personal experience once one person has feelings for the other it's never just a normal friendship anyway the unspoken is always there so the friendship will drift apart anyway

I'm a romantic and like to think anything is possible so if you feel that strongly about it what have you got to loose you can never just be friends with someone you have feelings for so in the end you will end up hurt if you stand back and watch this person meet someone else while pretending to be happy for them at least if you give it a go you will have a new partner or your answer but no more what if's
Good Luck x

missjm

I think it's down to how things were left when you both agreed to just stay friends. Was that decision predominantly theirs or yours? Do you think they feel the same way?

LegacyUser

Hey OP. I am in a similar situation - we're friends but there's always been a lot of feelings between us (though we've never been with each other). Because we're both complete eejits, the situation kind of imploded and eventually we ended up agreeing to just be friends. The truth is though that I'm crazy about him and I strongly suspect that he still likes me. So what to do? I think I'm just going to have to risk the friendship and say something outright. As another poster pointed out, it's not a normal friendship anyway when there are all these other feelings flying around. Yeah we could just go on as friends but that will never be enough for me and I am not at all sure that I can pretend to him (or myself, or anyone else) that it is. So my advice would be to bring the subject up with them or even just meet up with them, flirt a bit and see if there are any signs of reciprocation (maybe the chicken's way out but could give you some indication of if they'd be open to it). At worst, it sounds like you've been here before and you got past it then, so even if it's not the answer that you want you'll be ok. Good luck if you decide to go for it!

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again, thanks for all the advice. When writing my first post I was more thinking on advice on how to just get over it all but I suppose that isn't really a solution at the end of the day. Missjm the decision was theirs mostly and for that reason I don't really want to just bring it up again, I'd feel like I was being too pushy and I don't really wanna be that guy. I don't know how they feel, I've been convinced lately they've been sending signals but I have the skills of a dishcloth when it comes to picking up on these things so I don't really trust my judgement on that front.

Ihearya, what you've posted sounds so similar to my situation. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one being such an eejit about this stuff I think maybe you're right in suggesting just going for it but I'm not even sure of where to begin and like I say I really don't want to be too pushy.

missjm

opagain wrote: »

Missjm the decision was theirs mostly and for that reason I don't really want to just bring it up again, I'd feel like I was being too pushy and I don't really wanna be that guy. I don't know how they feel, I've been convinced lately they've been sending signals but I have the skills of a dishcloth when it comes to picking up on these things so I don't really trust my judgement on that front.

To be honest, I think a way not to be THAT guy is to have a normal conversation with them and just tell them straight out that you still like them that way. I've been on both sides of this, the person who didn't have the same feelings for a male friend. He asked me straight out and I was able to put things clear. And I've been the person who had feelings, never did anything about it only to find out when it was too late that they actually did feel the same way
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Saralee4

opagain wrote: »

I don't know how they feel, I've been convinced lately they've been sending signals but I have the skills of a dishcloth when it comes to picking up on these things so I don't really trust my judgement on that front.

Op what kind of 'signals'? Also is she available?

Will you be seeing her again as friends much?

LegacyUser

Saralee4 wrote: »

Op what kind of 'signals'? Also is she available?

Will you be seeing her again as friends much?

I can't think of a way to describe it without making myself too identifiable. As far as I know she's available. I'd nearly prefer if she wasn't TBH, at least then I'd know where I stand.

Probably, yeah, we have a few separate groups of mutual friends so it's hard to avoid.

LegacyUser

opagain wrote: »

Missjm the decision was theirs mostly and for that reason I don't really want to just bring it up again, I'd feel like I was being too pushy and I don't really wanna be that guy. I don't know how they feel, I've been convinced lately they've been sending signals but I have the skills of a dishcloth when it comes to picking up on these things so I don't really trust my judgement on that front.

Do you think was her decision that you should just be friends because she wasn't interested in you in THAT way and wanted to let you down gently? Or was it something else? I it was the 2nd then it's possible that her feelings didn't just disappear for good either. Maybe she's also afraid of bringing it up again? Is there anyone you could ask who might know how she feels? Maybe one of your mutual friends?

opagain wrote: »

Ihearya, what you've posted sounds so similar to my situation. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one being such an eejit about this stuff I think maybe you're right in suggesting just going for it but I'm not even sure of where to begin and like I say I really don't want to be too pushy.

OP you don't sound pushy at all,. In fact you sound the opposite of pushy! I agree it's hard to know where to begin. I'm stuck on that too.

I can't think of a way to describe it without making myself too identifiable. As far as I know she's available. I'd nearly prefer if she wasn't TBH, at least then I'd know where I stand.

Would you? You're really going to drive yourself crazy with this You won't know where you stand until you ask her.

LegacyUser

Ihearya2 wrote: »

Do you think was her decision that you should just be friends because she wasn't interested in you in THAT way and wanted to let you down gently? Or was it something else? I it was the 2nd then it's possible that her feelings didn't just disappear for good either. Maybe she's also afraid of bringing it up again? Is there anyone you could ask who might know how she feels? Maybe one of your mutual friends?

I'd be inclined to say it's the first option, since the decision was largely hers. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head, but that's not saying much :pac:

OP you don't sound pushy at all,. In fact you sound the opposite of pushy! I agree it's hard to know where to begin. I'm stuck on that too.

I know, I've not been pushy yet. It's the fear of seeming pushy that's making me that way. Again I'm probably not making much sense, this stuff is all very confusing. Best of luck in your situation BTW, hope it works out for you.

Would you? You're really going to drive yourself crazy with this You won't know where you stand until you ask her.

I wouldn't worry too much about that, these things always bother me around this time of year and then I'm grand again once things get busy. I probably should ask though. It's just terrifying haha.

LegacyUser

Forgot to mention in my last post regarding the mutual friends thing: a few of them have brought it up with me in the past, when I say I don't think it's a good idea it usually gets left after a bit of prodding, only to come up again a couple of months down the line.

LegacyUser

opagainagain wrote: »

I'd be inclined to say it's the first option, since the decision was largely hers. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head, but that's not saying much :pac:

I see what you're saying but it sounds like you're not sure or it wasn't made very obvious. It's kind of hard to advise any more on that without knowing what happened between you as there are so many scenarios that could've lead to her making that decision.

I know, I've not been pushy yet. It's the fear of seeming pushy that's making me that way. Again I'm probably not making much sense, this stuff is all very confusing. Best of luck in your situation BTW, hope it works out for you.

Thank you!

I wouldn't worry too much about that, these things always bother me around this time of year and then I'm grand again once things get busy. I probably should ask though. It's just terrifying haha.

Ah yea I just meant that you'll drive yourself mad wondering about it. I know that it feels terrifying but sometimes it's the scary things that pay off the best. And at the end of the day this girl is your friend so I'm guessing she's not likely to be horrible if you do approach her about it.

LegacyUser

IHY wrote: »

I see what you're saying but it sounds like you're not sure or it wasn't made very obvious. It's kind of hard to advise any more on that without knowing what happened between you as there are so many scenarios that could've lead to her making that decision.

Couldn't give any more details, it was a pretty brief conversation considering we're both very awkward people at the best of times!

Thank you!

Less thanking, more doing something about it :pac:

Ah yea I just meant that you'll drive yourself mad wondering about it. I know that it feels terrifying but sometimes it's the scary things that pay off the best. And at the end of the day this girl is your friend so I'm guessing she's not likely to be horrible if you do approach her about it.

I know and you're completely right as well. She wouldn't be horrible at all no, I'm sure of that. It's just hard to get a serious conversation going, you know? Thanks again for all the advice.