''Why do you never visit us?''

Tiger123

I believe both my parents are alcoholics. My dad is drinking at least two bottles of wine a night and my mother drinks at least 1 bottle. Their drinking (particularly my mothers) has caused a lot of tension and upset over the years and thankfully I no longer live with them. When they come up my side of the country they stay in a hotel. I never asked why they don't stay at my house and they've never volunteered the information but it's understood that they do it because they know I don't want them getting drunk in my home.

Here's my issue... I haven't visited them in over a year because I can't stand staying in that house and if i stayed in a BnB I'm certain it would cause an argument. My mother keeps having digs at me about never visiting and yesterday when she was visiting she had another go at the dinner table in front of everyone. Obviously I didn't say what I wanted to say (I don't visit because you're a drunk Mother Dearest) and just smiled it off. She knows I hate seeing her drunk so why does she keep bringing it up.

Should I give her a ring and talk to her about it and cause an argument or am I being way too sensitive?

CountyHurler

Tiger123 wrote: »

Should I give her a ring and talk to her about it and cause an argument or am I being way too sensitive?

Have you ever mentioned this issue to them before in any context? I'm not sure you're mother would have even asked that question at the dinner table if there was a chance that you would say "it's because you drink too much"... Her asking that question would lead me to believe that she is oblivious to the reason that you do not stay at their house.

eviltwin

I wouldn't stay with an alcoholic either let alone two alcoholics. Sounds like torture. Have you ever been honest and said it's because of their drinking?

jopax

Why do they expect you to stay with them when they don't stay with you?

I would ring her and say you will visit them and stay in s b&b nearby.
That way you don't have to confront the alcohol issues.
It would be interesting to see what she would say to that.
She can't get on to you for doing something she does

You can confront the alcohol problems but unless they are honest you are wasting your breath.
Most alcoholics are in denial anyway and will probably say you are over reacting

It depends on whether you have the energy that goes with the drama

Personally I wouldn't go there, they know exactly what they are doing

kylith

CountyHurler wrote: »

Have you ever mentioned this issue to them before in any context? I'm not sure you're mother would have even asked that question at the dinner table if there was a chance that you would say "it's because you drink too much"... Her asking that question would lead me to believe that she is oblivious to the reason that you do not stay at their house.

I disagree. She may have asked it to make the OP look bad in front of others because she knew they would be unlikely to say that it was because of her drinking.

I'd be inclined to tell her in person next time you see her that you don't visit because of the drinking.

Paddy Cow

CountyHurler wrote: »

Have you ever mentioned this issue to them before in any context? I'm not sure you're mother would have even asked that question at the dinner table if there was a chance that you would say "it's because you drink too much"... Her asking that question would lead me to believe that she is oblivious to the reason that you do not stay at their house.

I'm pretty sure she would. It's classic passive aggressive behaviour. Ask a question which you know the person won't give an honest answer to (because you know they are too polite to cause a scene), then you look like the good guy and everyone else thinks the person who is stumbling to give a plausible reason looks like the bad guy.

Trust me, I've been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour and it's not pleasant and very difficult to deal with. I spent many hours holding my tongue to keep the peace, only to cry myself to sleep afterwards. Then I wised up and learned that sometimes you have to play fire with fire. You don't have to lower yourself to creating awkward situations and making someone feel uncomfortable but if someone does it to you, you say something that will throw them like "I would love to visit but I know you always stay in a hotel when you come to visit me as you like your space, which I respect but to be honest, that's out of my budget right now."