Found Pictures on my husbands phone

Sammy14

Hey all

Was looking through my husbands phone (i know what you are all thinking why would i snoop)...
Well about a year ago he had forgotten his phone and was getting constant messages one after another when i looked i found he was signed up to an internet dating app and was messaging loads of women under a fake profile.

So since then i have trust issues and sometimes go through his phone.

Anyways getting back to my latest issue when i looked through his phone i found 3 pictures he had saved from facebook of my best friend in her bikini from her holiday pics she had uploaded during the summer.

I confronted him about it and he said he didnt know they got there bla bla.

Thing is iv always felt like he has an attraction to her. This just confirms it. I really dont know where to go from here im really hurt because not only is it my friend but shes the complete opposite to me.

He also has loads of porn images and videos but that never bothered me and doesnt bother me.

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Penny Tration

It'd be difficult to prove he's cheating just from a few photos. Sometimes, when you hit 'view full size' on a photo on fb, it automatically downloads it.

However, you're obviously not 'over' what he did (i wouldn't be either!).

The two of you need to discuss why he betrayed you, how things can be fixed, and how the trust can be re-built, if it can.

First though, take some time for yourself. You sound like you need to process things, and decide what you want from your marriage.

Have you discussed what happened with the dating apps? Have you considered marriage counselling?

Sammy14

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

It'd be difficult to prove he's cheating just from a few photos. Sometimes, when you hit 'view full size' on a photo on fb, it automatically downloads it.

However, you're obviously not 'over' what he did (i wouldn't be either!).

The two of you need to discuss why he betrayed you, how things can be fixed, and how the trust can be re-built, if it can.

First though, take some time for yourself. You sound like you need to process things, and decide what you want from your marriage.

Have you discussed what happened with the dating apps? Have you considered marriage counselling?

I deffinitely dont think theres cheating going on as my friend is happily in a relationship. I think i wouldnt be so hurt if it was just an attraction but to have the images to look back on later just makes me sick to my stomach.

Penny Tration

Sammy14 wrote: »

I deffinitely dont think theres cheating going on as my friend is happily in a relationship. I think i wouldnt be so hurt if it was just an attraction but to have the images to look back on later just makes me sick to my stomach.

Like i said earlier, Facebook CAN automatically download photos. However, it's not common.

I really think your reaction to this (which is perfectly natural) is a sign that you, as a couple, haven't dealt with his previous indiscretions properly.

I really think you should both speak about this, and discuss counselling. The relationship won't survive if you can't trust him, and if he doesn't help you to trust him.

December2012

Unless there are loads of other accidental Facebook pictures on his phone I wouldn't buy the "accident" story.

For a grown man to say he doesn't know how they got on his phone is ridiculous, particularly given his previous form.

It doesn't seem like he's trying to rebuild your relationship.

You should talk to a marriage counsellor

jimmycrackcorm

Op, why are you upset about your friends photo but not porn pictures of other women. Clearly he has no chance of being with any of them.

Tiger123

I think it's totally normal for a man to think someone is good looking but I think its really sleezy and weird that he downloaded the images of her to look at later.

Maybe... (yes I have done this before) sometimes my zoom doesn't work so i take a screen shot so i can go into my photo album and get a better look. maybe he was just trying to get a good look at her!

CountyHurler

Unfortunately with modern technology, the stuff that would normally remain only in your other half's head sometimes becomes inadvertently unearthed and the situation is then embarrassing for everybody.... I think it's pretty obvious that if he has pictures of your friend in her bikini that he finds her attractive... The fact that she would post a pic of herself tells me that she certainly thinks she looks good anyway...

I'm sure it's not something that he plans to act on, but every guy and probably most women look up people of the opposite sex on the Internet and social media... It's just a fact.. Same as pretty much every guy looks up porn, but not a lot of women would like to admit it about their partner...

Oh and you'll find that that pesky Facebook "automatically download" problem only happens for pictures of scantily clad hot women... They are working on a fix for it.. :pac:

StormWarrior

Did you actually tell him that you found out he was using a dating app? If so, how did he react?

Paddy Cow

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Op, why are you upset about your friends photo but not porn pictures of other women. Clearly he has no chance of being with any of them.

Most well adjusted women know that men look at porn and it doesn't bother them as these women are strangers, who they will never meet. It's very different if your OH is looking at pictures of your best friend. Would you be comfortable down the pub with your OH and best friend, knowing that she was thinking about him in "that way?".

Op I can understand you being upset. Tbh this would be a red flag for me. It's not the first time he has crossed the line. You need to have it out with him. I don't mean a screaming match but he has to see how disrespectful he is being towards you (and to a lesser extend your friend).

It's not ok to have pictures like that of your OH's best friend on your phone and if he tries to make excuses then you have a lot of thinking to do.

9de5q7tsr8u2im

You think nudes of other women is acceptable rather than your friend whos in a relationship already? Think again..

shruikan2553

I wouldn't worry about the pictures, I've looked at pictures of attractive girls I'm friends with when they have come up and all it meant is I found them pleasing to the eye, I wouldn't go any further than that. Although I wouldn't download them.

The dating app thing is the real issue.

Kelly06

shruikan2553 wrote: »

The dating app thing is the real issue.

+1 on this !. Whatever about the pictures/ porn on his phone he has been actually messaging women on online dating and that is not a symptom of a happy relationship. Even if the profile is fake it's still a form of cheating to be doing it and it's only a short stretch from there to him actually meeting up with someone no?

I have this opinion because when my marriage hit the rocks and we were trying to sort things (counselling/ mediation etc) I found out he had a profile on a dating site and was messaging many women, a fake profile was set up and a friend messaged him (I know I know it was a bad thing to do but I'm glad I did !)and showed me what he was writing to women and who I was really married to. It was a total eye opener but it made me finally accept that my marriage was over.

some men and women crave the attention of the opposite sex not necessarily sex itself but the thrill of the chase but to be honest in my opinion if a person is needing this affirmation outside of the relationship then that relationship is in trouble!

mkhall

What kind of phone does he have? Reason I'm asking is because sometimes on iPhones if a picture is sent through an app like whatsapp or viber, it sometimes automatically saves it. Like others have said the only other way that it would have gotten there is if he saved it himself. So check these apps on his phone and make sure this isn't the case. The more likely option is that he saved it himself. If this were me, id be more bothered about this than the dating app as its your best mate and even worse than random stranGers IMO. I would do some searching of your own so he doesn't try and cover his lies this time when you do confront him. As others have said if you want to salvage the relationship you need to dig deeper and find out why he's craving attention from other women, whether it's trouble in the marriage or lack of self confidence on his part. That said if hes looking for affirmation from women on dating apps it doesn't make sense for him to be going as far as saving pics of your friend. If it's without her knowledge he's not getting affirmation from her!

Stavro Mueller

I've an iPad that only I use and for some reason it sometimes downloads random photos from websites I've visited. Never from Facebook oddly enough. It has never happened to me with an Android phone. Having said that, I find it hard to buy the accidental downloading of the friend's photos story.

The real warning sign for me is that dating app. It takes a bit of time and effort to install the app, set up the profile and message women. That's a far cry from looking at porn. Dating apps and messaging women means there's some sort of intent there. Some sort of craving for attention that he's not getting in his marriage.

How long are you together OP? Do you have kids? Did you talk about the dating app when you found this out? As you're learning, not trusting your partner's something that can corrode a marriage. If he appears to get cleverer at hiding his tracks and you find no more evidence, will you still be doubting him?

Kelly06

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I've an iPad that only I use and for some reason it sometimes downloads random photos from websites I've visited. Never from Facebook oddly enough. It has never happened to me with an Android phone.

Yes, I've an I phone and if someone messages me on viber or by text and I click into the photo to open it to full size the picture automatically saves into my photos - this is a setting in Apple devices that can be turned on or off! The Default setting is on.

In facebook when you view a picture you can click "view full size" and when you open the picture you can download it to your I phone by hitting a little icon at the bottom of the screen. You can also copy the picture into your photos by taking a screenshot- im fairly sure that you have to intentionally save a picture from facebook though.


If your best friend is happy in a relationship then it's unlikely that anything is going on there and you don't seem to think there is. So while it may be upsetting that he is saving pictures on his phone it doesn't necessarily mean that he is cheating. The excuse that he doesn't know how the pics got there doesn't really sit well with me.

You need to talk to your husband I would definitely book marriage counselling if I was you. It can be expensive but depending on where you are there are community places which offer counselling with just a donation as payment. If you don't sort this issue now it's going to niggle away at you and your relationship. Best of luck, op.

Stavro Mueller

We can get carried away with the accidentally downloading pictures angle. When I find the ones I've accidentally downloaded, I delete them. So you'd have to ask (1) Why the OP's husband was clicking on the pictures and viewing them full size and (2) Why he kept them on his phone if they happened to be accidentally downloaded.

In light of the dating app issue, I find it very hard to buy the accidentally downloaded excuse. Especially when the OP suspects he has the hots for her friend.

Sammy14

Thanks all.

He has the same phone as me a samsung and the only way photos from facebook get onto these phones is when u save them or share them.

Hes sticking to his story that he doesnt know how they got there..... id expect a better excuse from a 10 year old!

I sure as hell aint stupid and know why they are saved on his phone its to look at to masterbate. The fact its my best friend hurts more than if its a stranger because i dont have to look at the stranger in the eye knowing my husband has gotten off to them.

The dating profile at the time we spoke about it and he said it was that he wanted to feel wanted and i wasnt giving him enough attention.

Sammy14

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I've an iPad that only I use and for some reason it sometimes downloads random photos from websites I've visited. Never from Facebook oddly enough. It has never happened to me with an Android phone. Having said that, I find it hard to buy the accidental downloading of the friend's photos story.

The real warning sign for me is that dating app. It takes a bit of time and effort to install the app, set up the profile and message women. That's a far cry from looking at porn. Dating apps and messaging women means there's some sort of intent there. Some sort of craving for attention that he's not getting in his marriage.

How long are you together OP? Do you have kids? Did you talk about the dating app when you found this out? As you're learning, not trusting your partner's something that can corrode a marriage. If he appears to get cleverer at hiding his tracks and you find no more evidence, will you still be doubting him?

We are together 8 years and no kids.... in saying that we have been trying but ah thats gone out the window now i cant bring a child into an unhealthy relationship.

Stavro Mueller

What do you want from this? Counselling to try and save the marriage? Would you rather split? Turn a blind eye?

Saipanne

Sammy14 wrote: »

We are together 8 years and no kids.... in saying that we have been trying but ah thats gone out the window now i cant bring a child into an unhealthy relationship.

Do you really see a future at this stage?

Penny Tration

Sammy14 wrote: »

We are together 8 years and no kids.... in saying that we have been trying but ah thats gone out the window now i cant bring a child into an unhealthy relationship.

Fair play to you for having the sense to not bring a child into a bad relationship. It's very difficult to think logically when you're so upset, so fair play to you, you're obviously an intelligent lady.

Did you accept his excuse with the dating profile? That you weren't giving hhim enough attention?

He blamed YOU for him betraying you. Not even close to good enough! If he genuinely felt unloved (i really doubt that he did, I think it's a disgusting way of blaming you), he could have spoken to you. He chose to cheat.

irishmover

Did you check viber/whatsapp for any conversations between them two? If a photo is sent on whatsapp its automatically saved. There may be a chance that she personally sent him the photo? Or have you ruled that one out already?!

Just saying...

Sammy14

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

What do you want from this? Counselling to try and save the marriage? Would you rather split? Turn a blind eye?

TBH im in 2 minds here to split or try councilling. Im swaying more to spilt. I think there are real issues within our relationship that i dont think can be fixed if hes not willing to be honest about it.

Saipanne

irishmover wrote: »

Did you check viber/whatsapp for any conversations between them two? If a photo is sent on whatsapp its automatically saved. There may be a chance that she personally sent him the photo? Or have you ruled that one out already?!

Just saying...

That's a good point. Or a mate of his sent the pic.

Sammy14

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

Fair play to you for having the sense to not bring a child into a bad relationship. It's very difficult to think logically when you're so upset, so fair play to you, you're obviously an intelligent lady.

Did you accept his excuse with the dating profile? That you weren't giving hhim enough attention?

He blamed YOU for him betraying you. Not even close to good enough! If he genuinely felt unloved (i really doubt that he did, I think it's a disgusting way of blaming you), he could have spoken to you. He chose to cheat.

No that was my argument exactly why didnt he talk to me. At the time i was going through alot i had lost a number of family members within a short space of time which is why i wasnt giving him the attention.

Sammy14

irishmover wrote: »

Did you check viber/whatsapp for any conversations between them two? If a photo is sent on whatsapp its automatically saved. There may be a chance that she personally sent him the photo? Or have you ruled that one out already?!

Just saying...

No the photos are saved in an album called facebook which d phone does automatically so if it was from viber etc dere wud be a seperate one for all viber images. They were def not sent as they are photos from her album on fb of her holidays.

Kelly06

Sammy14 wrote: »

No the photos are saved in an album called facebook which d phone does automatically so if it was from viber etc dere wud be a seperate one for all viber images. They were def not sent as they are photos from her album on fb of her holidays.

Well this proves they were downloaded by him and his excuse is he doesn't know how they got there? He is obviously lying.

OP marriage counselling really can work for some couples, you have been together 8 years that's a long time. I would say to you to go with your gut instinct it is usually right! for me marriage was a big thing and I wanted to try anything I could to salvage it and when I finally saw in black and white who my husband really was toward other women I realised that i had no other option but to leave.

You say the relationship has other issues, would any of these indicate cheating ? For example not being trusting of you? / being secretive/not coming home after a night out or being vague about where he was or who he was with? Working late more often, unusual spending etc. none of these things mean he is cheating but they can indicate it.

Sammy14

I would completely be of the same thinking that marriage should at all attempts be saved, but after 8 years I feel that things cant change unless he is willing to be honest. I may try councilling but if Im not happy whats the point.

The other issues are not to do with him cheating or other women... well to a certain extent. The only other issue regarding other women I have is when out together, he eyes up other women ( which is perfectly natural) but he crosses the line by continuously exchanging flirty looks with them while im sat right beside him. But to me thats just complete lack of respect, which is what our other issues are.

Also he does nothing to help me he spends all his time on his phone, or the playstation playing games when at home. I have tried hundreds of times talking to him agruing with him, but nothing changes.

I think after 8 years I should know my husband but there are things arrising only in the last 2 years that are showing his true colours.

Kelly06

Sammy14 wrote: »

I would completely be of the same thinking that marriage should at all attempts be saved, but after 8 years I feel that things cant change unless he is willing to be honest. I may try councilling but if Im not happy whats the point.

The other issues are not to do with him cheating or other women... well to a certain extent. The only other issue regarding other women I have is when out together, he eyes up other women ( which is perfectly natural) but he crosses the line by continuously exchanging flirty looks with them while im sat right beside him. But to me thats just complete lack of respect, which is what our other issues are.

Also he does nothing to help me he spends all his time on his phone, or the playstation playing games when at home. I have tried hundreds of times talking to him agruing with him, but nothing changes.

I think after 8 years I should know my husband but there are things arrising only in the last 2 years that are showing his true colours.

I think marriage counselling can help couples open up and be honest even if that honesty leads the couple to the realisation that their relationship is over. It can bring a new understanding of each other or it can bring closure also. If your not happy and you don't see yourself being happy in the future then the only thing to do is to walk away. Just be sure in yourself that it's what you want.

Sammy14

Gyrocream wrote: »

Most likely he was using the pictures to master bate to, if you want him to be honest then be prepared for him to tell you about all the women he fantasises about having sex with. That's going to be the same with most men, so dumping him for a natural expression of make sexuality is a bit silly because you'll be wasting 8 years for the next man who'll just be better at hiding his desire to have sex with other women. I'd say he was just using the dating app for fun, I doubt that he'd be willing to meet up, for a start his profile was fake.

Most men have a desire to have sex with other women, you have to learn to deal with that.

I have to diagree with you. I wouldnt be dumping him for a natural male expression of sexuality. It his disrespect for me I have an issue with. And going on a dating app when your married I would not class that as a bit of fun, regardless if he was to ever meet anyone on it. I

Kelly06

Sammy14 wrote: »

I have to diagree with you. I wouldnt be dumping him for a natural male expression of sexuality. It his disrespect for me I have an issue with. And going on a dating app when your married I would not class that as a bit of fun, regardless if he was to ever meet anyone on it. I

Going on a dating app when you are married is cheating in my opinion!

Stavro Mueller

I think all you can do is try to have an honest conversation about where you both see things going. From what you're telling us, your friend's photos on his phone is just the latest in a series of other issues you've been having. To me it sounds like your husband has mentally checked out of this marriage but is stopping short of the next step. The hassle of splitting with you, sorting somewhere to live, dealing with the mortgage (if you have one), moving his stuff out of the house etc. I'd classify the dating app as him actively looking for other women. The constantly being on his phone or on the Playstation as his way of not engaging with you. I think you know all this anyway - you sound like a very level-headed person.

kylith

Gyrocream wrote: »

What age are you? You say you want a family. Chances are most men you meet will secretly want to have sex with other women or fantasise about it. If your boyfriend hasn'the cheated and is willing to explain what he's willing to discuss honestly what he'says done then I'don't give him another chance and make clear what you will and will not tolerate.

It is perfectly normal for any adult human to have fleeting thoughts of having sex with other people, this is why porn is a gajillion dollar industry.

However, **** to photos of your wife's best friend that you have secretly kept on your phone is not normal, and I'm sure the friend would hate to know that her holiday snaps have been used that way.

As for the dating site - to go on such a site is to announce to everyone there that you are single and looking to meet someone which is, at least, emotional infidelity. Would you be so blasé about a partner going to a singles' night in a pub? It's a hell of a lot different to, say, flirting with a barista while you order coffee.

brianregan09

Obviously if you were going through his phone in the 1st place you didn't trust him anyway, not putting the blame on you at all, what he's doing is all kinds of wrong

Mr. Incognito

I think the basic reason why people dont want others going through their phone is that it is a basic evasion of privacy.

Lads and girls too like to whatsapp each other filth and tell crude jokes. Girlfriends and partners might not like it but its none of their business.

Your husband can whack off to trees, dandelions or your friends. Thats in his head. He took a picture and put it in a private space. You invaded that private space.

He has nothing to justify or apologise for. Stay out of his private stash. Your reaction to your mate is the result of your own snooping. She has done nothing wrong. Men like variety. That doesnt give them scope to cheat but they are entitled to fantasise in private.



The dating site is a totally different kettle of fish. Thats crossing a line and i would be seeking honest answers. He appears to have blamed you instead of taking personal responsibility for that wrong.

You are losing your crap over the innocent thing and missing the not so innocent one.

blacklilly

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think the basic reason why people dont want others going through their phone is that it is a basic evasion of privacy.

Lads and girls too like to whatsapp each other filth and tell crude jokes. Girlfriends and partners might not like it but its none of their business.

Your husband can whack off to trees, dandelions or your friends. Thats in his head. He took a picture and put it in a private space. You invaded that private space.

He has nothing to justify or apologise for. Stay out of his private stash. Your reaction to your mate is the result of your own snooping. She has done nothing wrong. Men like variety. That doesnt give them scope to cheat but they are entitled to fantasise in private. .

I completely disagree with the above. I do not know of one person that would be ok with their partner masturbating to a picture of their friend.It is not ok.
If he wants whack off, their are millions of pictures/videos on line which he can fantasise to. Private space or not, this is completely unacceptable.
It is not just men that like variety either, women also like it but I highly doubt the OP is masturbating to pictures of her husbands friends.

The OP has acknowledged that there are issues with the marriage and I suspect it is because of these issues that she looked at his phone. The other issues the OP has outlined are also issue of genuine concern, it would seem that her husband has little respect for her.

Mr. Incognito

blacklilly wrote: »

I completely disagree with the above. I do not know of one person that would be ok with their partner masturbating to a picture of their friend.It is not ok.
If he wants whack off, their are millions of pictures/videos on line which he can fantasise to. Private space or not, this is completely unacceptable.
It is not just men that like variety either, women also like it but I highly doubt the OP is masturbating to pictures of her husbands friends.

The OP has acknowledged that there are issues with the marriage and I suspect it is because of these issues that she looked at his phone. The other issues the OP has outlined are also issue of genuine concern, it would seem that her husband has little respect for her.

I would bet most people fantasise about people they know at one stage or another.

Sexuality and urges cannot be ringfenced into whats respectful and whats not, they are base animal desires. Acting on them or not is where we respect our partners.

Anyone who thinks that their partner has never seized up their friends and even family members of their oh fleetingly sexually is utterly naive and yes when one is masturbating or having sex they might even be fantasising about that person. Men and women both do it. We keep it to ourselves out of respect. She invaded his personal space and got an insight into his guarded urges.

Thats not his fault. The only fault i can see is her being bang out of order snooping. Its never justified.

blacklilly

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I would bet most people fantasise about people they know at one stage or another.

Sexuality and urges cannot be ringfenced into whats respectful and whats not, they are base animal desires. Acting on them or not is where we respect our partners.

Anyone who thinks that their partner has never seized up their friends and even family members of their oh fleetingly sexually is utterly naive and yes when one is masturbating or having sex they might even be fantasising about that person. Men and women both do it. We keep it to ourselves out of respect. She invaded his personal space and got an insight into his guarded urges.

Thats not his fault. The only fault i can see is her being bang out of order snooping. Its never justified.

Again I respectfully disagree with you, one aspect that separates humans from animals is promiscuous combination of ideas. Just because we as humans have urges does not mean that we don't posses the ability to deny ourselves said urges based upon social acceptable norms. Getting off to a picture of your partners friend is not acceptable.

No one can deny that of course some partners will be attracted to some friends, again basic respect and love will prevent the actions the OP's husband seems to have taken. Sexuality and urges are ringfenced into what's respectful and what's not in every developed society.

You seem to put the husbands right to **** to a picture of the OP's friend above the obligation of love and respect the husband would have promised to his wife. While I don't actively condone snooping (as in many circumstances it is done out of control etc) that does not seem to be the case here.

Now call me utterly naive but I don't think there would be one person here who would not be hurt if they found out their partner was masturbating to a picture of their friend.

Mr. Incognito

blacklilly wrote: »

Sexuality and urges are ringfenced into what's respectful and what's not in every developed society.

Put expressed before that sentence and i would agree with you.

But expressed and actioned sexuality are based on social norms and learnt behaviours.

All the other supressed urges exist. You are saying just because someone doesnt act on them they dont exist. I disagree.

The action of showing your wife that you fancy her mate is disrespectful.

Her finding out through her invading his privacy is not in my opinion.

You cannot apply the result of her discovery to blaming him for having it in the first place.

Scarinae

Steamengine76 wrote: »

Unless her husband agreed that he wouldn't masturbate to pictures of her friend then he has done nothing wrong.

Really? I don't think it would actually occur to anyone to ask their partner not to masturbate to pictures of their friend, because it is such a specific request!

It is different to looking at porn of anonymous women, but it's unlikely the friend knows about it (she'd probably be really creeped out if she did). I agree that the bigger issue is the dating profile though, he just seems to have a complete lack of respect for you.

Kelly06

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

The dating site is a totally different kettle of fish. Thats crossing a line and i would be seeking honest answers. He appears to have blamed you instead of taking personal responsibility for that wrong.

You are losing your crap over the innocent thing and missing the not so innocent one.

This totally hits the nail on the head in my opinion, the dating profile is the most worrying issue