Cousin who 'abused' me ignores me

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

this is a very difficult thing for me to talk about and I am hoping to get some perspective on it from others.

When I was a child my cousin who was a year older than me used to touch me. This happened countless times and something we both initiated time and again during our childhood years. We were great friends and looking back it was a very sexually charged friendship that makes me feel quite upset just thinking about it... I was only a child 7-10 or so and this was happening with a family member of the same sex.

We drifted in our teenage years after realising what we were doing wasn't 'right' and was 'unnatural' etc. With that our friendship also collapsed and I didn't see any more of him in that sense. However, as I grew up and came out as gay I wondered if he was as well or if it was a case of kids being kids.

I used to see my cousin at times as a teenager and he participated in a lot of bullying that was in my direction This used to upset me a huge deal. At one point I was hospitalised from being beaten and didn't tell people that he was there but didn't try to stop the situation from escalating.

With Christmas here I know that he is going to be visiting us tomorrow with his Dad. We are both in our 30s now but last time I met him (when i was 28 or so) he was incredibly cold to me and passive aggressive.

This is really putting a major downer on my Christmas. I talked about the issues above with counsellors and such and I suppose I just wanted to vent a bit...

Ted

marizpan

I think 'abused' is a very strong word. It seems you both were exploring sexually in childhood.

No doubt your cousin is feeling shame/guilt etc over these experiences. Which seems fair enough.

I think you should ignore/pass yourself with your cousin and put it behind you, move on with your life.

jopax

I think abuse is a big issue, IMO I would try and avoid contact when he visits

Is there any way you can avoid contact when he visits ie calling to visit someone else at this time.

What's done is done but why be revisited with old hurt.

You are am adult now and and are under no obligation to see someone who you don't want to.
Make it your business not to interact with him.
Stand your ground and actions speak louder than words
So f..k him.
Enjoy your Xmas. Good luck.

StormWarrior

You were pretty much the same age and you say you both initiated it, so I don't see how it's abuse. But he's obviously embarrassed about it. Can you not just avoid him from now on?

LegacyUser

I know it wasn't abuse in the traditional sense and that's why I said 'abuse' as it's hard to define what it is/ what it was but I think that since he was a year older he was in a better position or held more power. I felt at times during it that it was something I didn't necessarily felt comfortable in doing. I also think that I get to decide what I feel is abuse and what isn't..???

I decided to not be around tomorrow, simply.

Rubberchikken

You're right mot tp be around.
He could be uncomfortable in your company for a number of reasons. Maybe soneday he'll be willing/able to relax with you.

Oink

You're wondering if that was abuse etc., and that's one thing.

The part I'm wondering about is when he beat you up with a gang of his mates, and sent you to the hospital. What came out of that? Because if that was me instead of him, my whole family would have dragged my sorry ass to the guards.

How old was he when that happened?

auldgranny

Oink wrote: »

You're wondering if that was abuse etc., and that's one thing.

The part I'm wondering about is when he beat you up with a gang of his mates, and sent you to the hospital. What came out of that? Because if that was me instead of him, my whole family would have dragged my sorry ass to the guards.

How old was he when that happened?

That is the bit that stood out for me too. You said you were once best of friends and he allowed that to happen to you. What a lowlife.

LegacyUser

hi guys,

Saw this there and am currently out for a walk...

I was 14/15 at the time. The school got involved but no charges were given just suspensions etc, he was outside the group when they started on me and when they started going for me he looked me in the eye and walked away... I don't think I could ever forgive him bout that but what bothers me the most is that I try and be good and polite to him and he just acts like a prik..,

I thought that maybe he thinks I'm attracted to him or something which I'm not... So I don't know where his hostility is coming from.

Thanks for replies! It's helping me through!

Big Bag of Chips

You're looking at this from your perspective. He will be looking at it from his. You were both young. You both touched each other. Both of you were equally involved. How do you know he doesn't think you "abused" him ?

I think this is one of those relationships/friendships that just isn't going to be. He has no idea how you feel. You have no idea how he feels. Neither of you are likely to approach the other to talk it out. Keep your distance. Don't even be around when he visits, if you can help it. Too much has happened between you, and its unlikely to be resolved. Your best option now is to stay out of each others' way, and if you have to be in company, be civil. Even in company it is pretty easy to avoid someone.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You're looking at this from your perspective. He will be looking at it from his. You were both young. You both touched each other. Both of you were equally involved. How do you know he doesn't think you "abused" him ?

I think this is one of those relationships/friendships that just isn't going to be. He has no idea how you feel. You have no idea how he feels. Neither of you are likely to approach the other to talk it out. Keep your distance. Don't even be around when he visits, if you can help it. Too much has happened between you, and its unlikely to be resolved. Your best option now is to stay out of each others' way, and if you have to be in company, be civil. Even in company it is pretty easy to avoid someone.

I think that is very unfair. He was older and initiated it at the beginning and mostly during the entire situation. Saying I abused him is very unfair and very upsetting.

I think you need a serious wake up call if you think that you can avoid family to that extent.

Big Bag of Chips

I never said you abused him. You say yourself that he didn't really "abuse" you either. I'm trying to show you that you see it one way. He might see it completely different. And people have a habit of remembering things to suit themselves. 1 year older than you isn't "older". There is very little difference between a 7 year old and an 8 year old. If he was 3 or 4 years older than you it would be very different.

Also, it IS easy to avoid people if you want. Especially in crowded situations. If there are even 3 or 4 others around it is very easy to avoid having a conversation with someone you don't want to talk to. But I have obviously upset or annoyed you, so I'll leave you to it. Just remember that you have NO IDEA what is in his head. And whatever it is, probably isn't what you think it is.

Edit: You are now in your 30s and the last time you saw him was when you were 28... It seems easy enough to avoid this fella?

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But you say yourself that he didn't really "abuse" you either. I'm trying to show you that you see it one way. He might see it completely different. And people have a habit of remembering things to suit themselves. 1 year older than you isn't "older". There is very little difference between a 7 year old and an 8 year old. If he was 3 or 4 years older than you it would be very different.

Also, it IS easy to avoid people if you want. Especially in crowded situations. If there are even 3 or 4 others around it is very easy to avoid having a conversation with someone you don't want to talk to. But I have obviously upset or annoyed you, so I'll leave you to it. Just remember that you have NO IDEA what is in his head. And whatever it is, probably isn't what you think it is.

Edit: You are now in your 30s and the last time you saw him was when you were 28... It seems easy enough to avoid this fella?

No this has upset me further. I don't mean to be playing the victim card but I don't think I should ever be concerned about how he perceives the situation. Having sat through his homophobic comments, been bullied by him and by his insisting to be cold and uncivil makes me fairly annoyed... And I think I have grounds to feel a bit hard done by.

Lambofdave

I think abuse is a seriously strong word to use in the circumstance in relation to the physical interactions you and your cousin had in pre teen youth. One year older isn't a great lot of time.

Was he was the one who started it? Is there even the slightest possibility someone had being doing it to him before he did it to you and this made him think it was the norm? (what ever normal is)

Is what makes you feel upset about it when you look back the feeling that it wasn't a true friendship and he was only doing it to engage in these acts with you?

Drifting apart is a natural thing especially in teenage years, new friends, new experiences and so on. I don't think there is any right or wrong in that situation.

It is only natural that you would question was he gay especially when you came to terms with your own sexuality and including your experiences as a child.

There is only one way of solving that question, but that could open a whole can of worms.

The biggest issue is the hurt and breach of trust that happen when you got beaten up and he stood by and let it happen as well as the bullying.

if he was to try and resolve the issue could you forgive him?

At this stage Id say do whats best for you, and if its putting a downer on you him coming over get away from the situation even if its only for a few hours.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, what do you want to do?

For what it's worth, I never said you should be concerned about how he perceives anything. I'm just explaining that he may well see the situation differently to you, which might in his mind justify his behaviour towards you.

He may be homophobic. He may be struggling with his own sexuality... Or he simply may not like you.

Your choices are avoid him, or confront him.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Bored_lad

No here is saying that the op is wrong. But the op is playing the victim card and saying she was abused when from the sounds of it she wasn't. They both participated in this and the ops cousin may feel like it was the op who abused him. Or possibly he was abused by someone else and say this as the norm. You can't just completely ignore the other party and place all the blame on them.

Op you either need to confront him about what happened and ye need to talk it out together instead of asking for sympathy on a public forum. Or else you just avoid him which doesn't seem hard of you haven't seen him for over 2 years.

Lambofdave

Bored_lad wrote: »

<Snip: No need to quote full post>

The op is male

LegacyUser

im definitely not looking for pity. I have talked to counsellors about this but never to friends or family.. If I wanted pity Id tell my parents and siblings and be the centre of attention.. I'm doing the opposite and withdrawing myself completely from the situation and leaving it be.

bee06

OP you asked for a different perspective and that's what you've got but you don't like the opinions that you've been given.

If doesn't seem like you're ever going to get closure from from your cousin so you need to find a way of dealing with these issues yourself so they don't control your life.

OPNDHB

OPNDHB wrote: »

im definitely not looking for pity. I have talked to counsellors about this but never to friends or family.. If I wanted pity Id tell my parents and siblings and be the centre of attention.. I'm doing the opposite and withdrawing myself completely from the situation and leaving it be.

Am I right in thinking that all you want is to be treated respectfully by your cousin?

I think it's possible his behaviour is a consequence of shame, both perhaps at your childish explorations but more especially at being complicit in your bullying and hospitalisation. I suspect he's trying to make a point on some level that although he experimented with you, he's not 'like' you. Why that distinction is so important to him is anyone's guess, but it seems from reading your account that his blatant homophobia is an attempt to underline what he sees as the gulf between you as adults. It's his issue, his problem, you don't need to solve it for him.

You've tried to be the bigger person and move on and he won't. Continue to be polite and keep your interactions to a minimum, you have nothing to feel bad about or to explain or smooth over, whether or not he cops on is up to him and only him.

Happy Christmas, don't let him steal your peace. .

LegacyUser

Candie wrote: »

Am I right in thinking that all you want is to be treated respectfully by your cousin?

...

Happy Christmas, don't let him steal your peace. .

This is by far the most constructive and nicest comment in this thread and I am eternally grateful for it.

Mods, feel free to close it.

Thanks for the comments and Merry Xmas.

OP

Tokyo

Thread closed at OP's request.