Long distance

LegacyUser

I met a girl. She's American. I'm Irish. She studied in Ireland this autumn and has since returned home. I live and study in Ireland. We have no choice, therefore, but to live many miles apart from one another. We both fell in love wildly during our three short months together. She says we can make it work, that she'll visit in spring and that I can spend the summer with her in the US. The cynic in me believes this to be nativity, and that the whole endeavor is sadly an exercise in futility. Maybe that's pessimism: maybe it's realism. My reason tells me it's impossible; my heart tells me it's not. I don't know what to do: to try a long distance relationship for some months despite the odds against it, or to give up now and allow myself to sooner face the seemingly inevitable reality that we're from different, incompatible worlds. If we had have met under different circumstances it really could have been something. Maybe it still can be. Can long distance work when, for the next couple of years, at least, both parties are entrenched on different continents?

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I've been in the exact same position in the past - I was studying in Ireland while my girlfriend at the time was American, and retuned home after a semester here, and we decided to continue the relationship long distance.

Can it work? Yes it can. But it requires a lot of commitment, a lot of effort from both parties involved,and from a practical point of view, a lot of money if even semi regular trips back and forth are involved. And the key thing in my experience is that there has to be a goal in sight of one person moving over to be with the other in the foreseeable future. The reason I mention that is that although it didn't work out in my case, the only cases where I have seen it work out between friends is in two cases where the girls in question moved back over to Ireland to study a masters/PhD and pick the relationship back up again, and another where a friend of mine moved over there for work after he completed his degree.

iusedtoknow

Granted it wasn't America, but I lived with a long distance for nearly 2 years (eventually moved...and married)

We met the last two weeks of her erasmus - i had 1 year left, she had to return to her studies in Spain. I was lucky that I was working so could afford to go over every 2 months for a weekend, but in between it was pretty hard

1) keep the conversation going. it's easy between facetime/imessage whatsapp etc.

2) give each other a bit of space. Seems counter intuitive but you both need to get on with your lives as well. Especially with the time gap, evenings will be your only time to chat - that could be Friday/Saturday evenings out the window - you need to agree that there will be some days when you go out with your friends

3) have an end in sight. I knew that after I had finished college and got a few things together, I would be moving over to Spain while she finished her studies (she was studying medicine so had little choice). I ended up working to get money/experience for a bit longer than intended, but it worked out in the end.

MagicMarker

OP, if you loved her as much as you say you do, then you probably wouldn't even be questioning whether it can work. So I say forget about her, as it sounds like that's what you want to do, and are just looking for us to reinforce that position.

Scarinae

It can work if you both really want it to. My boyfriend has been working in an African country for nearly five years now, which is a bit rubbish to be honest but on the upside I've had some great trips out there (on my way back from one at the moment). We'd been together several years already when he got the job offer though so we knew each other really well... Do you think that three months together is a solid enough foundation to have a long distance relationship? She seems keen anyway

Chemical Byrne

I'd be seconding your sentiments that this LDR is futile.
I place little faith in the whole notion that LDRs can work as stable long term relationships. The reality is that unless either one of you are prepared to uproot and move across the Atlantic, this "relationship" is a non runner. But that's just my opinion.

I think her assertion that it will work is naive in a big way. You only know eachother 3 months, that's still honeymoon phase. Unlikely you'd know if you love someone by then and most likely ye "lust" one another.

I think you (and her) need to look at things objectively and answer these questions:
>are you willing to uproot and move, potentially permanently, changing your whole life?
>do you honestly see a long term future with this person?
>honestly, do you really love her or just "honeymoon love" her?