Intimate with new man

anonymous gal

Going anonymous for this one, I hope this subject is allowed and not too graphic for this forum.

I'm in my forties and I have very recently met online a man also in his forties.
Last night we got intimate for the first time. There is a lot of attraction from both sides, and I felt ready for this step.
The issue is that he told me he is allergic to condoms. I had some in my place but he refused to wear one.
I explained why I would not have full sex without one, at least at this stage where we are only dating and we are still strangers to each really.
I am not a shrinking violet and was more than ready to "be physical" in different ways in order for both of us to be satisfied, but he didn't want to.
He only desired penetrative sex.
I had never been in this situation before. I know that if I "gave in" (I was at that level of physical attraction that it felt the natural thing to do) I would have hated myself afterwards for it, and I would have resented it so much that I would have never wanted to see him again.

So we didn't do it.

My head is all over the place now, I need to share this with someone.

In other relationships I went on the pill and stopped using condoms, but I did so when I really felt secure of my feelings and in the relationship.

I have heard about allergies to condoms, but only from the female side (a friend of mine said she is). Is there such a thing for men?

porsche boy

You can get latex free condoms now, if it's the latex he's allergic to. If he's just allergic to using them well that's different.

Stavro Mueller

Two words for you: bullet and dodged. Besides this guy claiming that he was allergic to condoms, it is telling that he wasn't interested in other ways of having fun. Good for you for showing more responsibility for your sexual than he did.

power pants

Did 100% right. Personally, I would not want to bother seeing him again if I were you. If he is in his 40s and uses that argument everytime he is about to have sex, perhaps he needs a visit to the GUM clinic

Taltos

As the others said OP there are alternatives to latex and if he were really allergic and was hoping for sex a reasonable person would have brought that alternative with them.

Cut your losses and move on, as you have to wonder just how many women have already fallen for that line...

LegacyUser

The behaviour of some men never ceases to amaze me! I'm male.


Cut contact with this guy and move on. Sounds like a dirtbag.

IlmoNT4

That sounds like something a young teenage boy might say and not a man who knows he has an allergy to latex or spermicide. Think about it OP, if you were allergic to something in condoms, as some people are, you'd have a back up with you, or you would explain that next time you were together you'd bring the condoms that you could use.

I think you did the right thing, your sexual health is very important and if his attitude is that hes allergic to practicing safe sex then how many women have had unprotected sex with him?

What would really worry me is that hes not being responsible for himself or for you and that demonstrates to me that this person is not self aware, perhaps selfish or just immature. I wouldnt be keen on seeing him again

Mongfinder General

It would have been crazy to do it bareback before each of you got tested. The fact that he wanted to go ahead and do it shows that he has no concern for your health or his own. In saying that,wearing a condom is like taking a bath with your socks on.

Sleepless and Manic

anonymous gal wrote: »

I have heard about allergies to condoms, but only from the female side (a friend of mine said she is). Is there such a thing for men?

Oh god yes, absolutely there is. I have an allergy to Nonoxynol-9, the spermicide used in many condoms.

It takes about two minutes before it starts to sting like hell (and there's no ignoring it thats for sure.) And the stinging will last for a few hours even after washing. And obviously this occurs at the worst possible time too!

Beaner1

He could have ate you out for a while if he cared that much.

Jenneke87

So he knows he's allergic but doesn't buy latex free condoms himself and insists to do so without? I think the real issue is that maybe with a condom on he doesn't feel that much and is used this allergic to condoms excuse to not have to use one.

seventeen sheep

Allergic to condoms? Absolutely possible.

Just doesn't like using them? That's fine, plenty of people (male and female) prefer not to use them.

Prepared to have unprotected intercourse in a new relationship? Holy f*ck, run a mile.

If he was willing to do it with you with no protection, you hardly think it's his first time to be so irresponsible in forty odd years.

Maybe he's actually allergic, but it's kind of irrelevant. Being allergic to condoms is no excuse for being an irresponsible idiot.

If he is being honest with you about the allergy, and if he genuinely cared about you and about your relationship, he would have suggested that you both get tested together and then sorted out a different method of contraception, before having sex.

anonymous gal

Thank you all,
I felt I did the right thing and stayed true to myself, but still felt very upset afterwards.
It was a negotiation I would not wish to go through ever again.

Did not know that men suffer from this allergy.
Have now read up about it, and found out about latex-free condoms. Found them quite locally, actually. Just in case I ever meet someone else with the same problem (real or an excuse).

Sleepless and Manic

anonymous gal wrote: »

Did not know that men suffer from this allergy.
Have now read up about it, and found out about latex-free condoms. Found them quite locally, actually. Just in case I ever meet someone else with the same problem (real or an excuse).

Spermicides too, not just latex. And spermicides are used more widely than just in condoms.

I agree with whats been said above. If he genuinely had an allergy I think he'd be more prepared to compromise. Or at least be more versed in talking about it.

Oink

Let's assume he is allergic. What was his plan?? Not use a condom and assume you'd ve ok with it?

Let's assume he didn't expect to get lucky. Did he have to be an @$$hole about it? How did he think that would make you feel?

I think he should take a hike, to put it mildly. As someone else said, you dodged a bullet.

Emme

I think that if this man was genuinely allergic to condoms or nonoxynol-9 he would have behaved differently. He might have sought out condoms to suit him or he would have talked to you about it. He would know that penetrative sex is not the only way to achieve pleasure.

If he was allergic to using condoms it might be because he can't function because of the loss of sensation. Again he should know that penetrative sex is not the only way to achieve pleasure.

Or else he is a selfish git and you are well rid.

anonymous gal

I definitely had a lucky escape.

He called me to arrange another date.
I said I was not sure and that I first wanted to talk about what happened the other night.
He first refused, then told me (in a passive aggressive way) to "just talk".
So I told him that I was very upset to be put under that sort of pressure. And that I will not have sex without a condom, I mentioned about the latex free ones. He got in a strop saying that he is allergic, he tried everything bla bla bla. And that he did not want to talk about condoms while his children were sleeping upstairs. And hung up the phone on me.
Well rid. I am just sorry for the next person he will try this on with.

IlmoNT4

seriously dodged a bullet, he sounds horrible.... well done you for standing up for yourself and not getting rail road-ed into something you didnt want to do

LegacyUser

anonymous gal wrote: »

I definitely had a lucky escape.

He called me to arrange another date.
I said I was not sure and that I first wanted to talk about what happened the other night.
He first refused, then told me (in a passive aggressive way) to "just talk".
So I told him that I was very upset to be put under that sort of pressure. And that I will not have sex without a condom, I mentioned about the latex free ones. He got in a strop saying that he is allergic, he tried everything bla bla bla. And that he did not want to talk about condoms while his children were sleeping upstairs. And hung up the phone on me.
Well rid. I am just sorry for the next person he will try this on with.

OP, you have been spared, he sounds like a complete knobhead. Jesus that is incredible. Just know there are men out there who have no problem getting hard and putting on a condom. I will say don't put limits on the age profile for that though, younger guys tend to not have as much issues in that department, this is just my experience. Maybe the older guys have been in longer term relationships where they haven't used condoms in a long time and have more baggage. No offence to any age bracket, but personally speaking younger guys can get the job done much better but obviously are not as interested in settling down.