need advice i'm lost

LegacyUser

i'm a regular board member so going guest to protect myself as i know quite a number of people on here at this stage

firstly i'm going to be honest probably the only reason i'm writing this is because im currently quite drunk.

i 22 years old i had two relationships in my life at the last one was three years ago
and i haven't met any new girls since and i'm still a virgin

most nights i feel pretty lonely i don't have many real friends and the two i most trust are now in long term relationships. so i find it hard to reach out to them. i think i may be depressed
but i'm too scared to go to my doctor.

my career life is perfect i have the exact job that that have always wanted (i never went to college i just got very lucky)
its my outside work social life which is dead i'm 22 years old i should be going out to night clubs etc. but i spent every single night at home i still live with my parents and lately ive been think its getting hard to hide my sadness from them i dont want to upset them.

i have contemplated moving out of home but am worried id get even more lonely them i am now
when i get home from work i sit in my room watching tv until the early hours
as i also have trouble going to sleep most nights.

having researched online i have been taking niacin which i feel has helped to a point
but lately it hasent been helping as much which has me worried what do i do now
i bought a bottle of whiskey have have been drinking that at night to aid sleeping the last two nights yes i know i shouldn't do this but i just need a break from the lonely thoughts

i'm currently lost in what step to take next i just know i can not continue down my current path.

i have also thought about quitting my job and moving to a different city to try start over

lastly i would like to apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

sky1234

you need to see a doctor but I think you know that yourself. . Never self medicate and drinking is only going to make it worse. You need to start doing stuff in the evenings, even just going for a walk the odd evening. It's not good to be cooped up in your room all the time.

Please go to a doctor.

Challo

Don't quit your job, you say you love it so hold on to the positives! Also well done on achieving such satisfaction in your career, you must have worked hard and had good working relationships,

I think it would be a good idea to move out. You'd automatically have a change of scene, get to know a few others and feel more independent. Don't worry about what you feel you 'should' be doing, very few people actually go out to clubs all the time even though their social media suggests otherwise. Why not join swing dance or Bootcamp or something, all apparently good for meeting people and any activity you enjoy is good for mental well being. Finally, don't worry about relationship/experience, it will happen when it's meant to and again, a lot of people are probably in the same boat.

DoYouEvenLift

You'll just have to jump in at the deep end.


Move out, don't get internet or TV in your place (use internet at library when necessary) so you're forced to find other things to pass the time and obviously they'll all be outside of your home since there's literally nothing to do there. From there take up hobbies and join clubs or do classes and just socialise with people and try to get a social circle going or into an existing one. Try to do this with as many people as possible and never turn down their invites, unless you're already doing something, or else they'll stop inviting you. Once you've got a social life, get internet and TV or whatever you want.


The reason I'm suggesting something as extreme as not getting internet or TV is because basically all of us use it as an easy way out of doing things nowadays. Why call to your friends to play video games when you can do it online? Why call to your friends to chat when you can Skype? Why go shopping when you can do it online and get it delivered to your door? Yes, all these things are great but it can take the human and social elements away from a lot of things because although you might be communicating with other people you're still doing it through a screen. All of this would be to get you into the habbit of getting out of your comfort zone and getting independent and forcing yourself to rely on and improve your social skills.

skooterblue2

Been there and done that.... I know exactly what you are going through, except I was doing all wrong for 20 years until last year.

You have a lot going for you that you have a job. Which means you CAN afford to rent outside of home. This is a big plus, alot bigger than you think. Moving away will NOT solve the problem, just transfer the problem else where.

Self medication is not the answer such as Alcohol but atleast you have admitted there is a problem.

A Doctor will not solve your problems but will only put you on medication. A better course of action would be to get and pay for a private Educational Psychologist. I cant advise you or recommend one... this requires your own research. Money spent now will serve you well in the long run (Its going to be expensive €500).

Yeah you probably do have a bad relationship with the internet ... alot of us do myself included. You really need to join an social club and learn some social skills and practice them. A few little books on psychology might help, understand Theory of Mind, Cognative Based Training with some Erroneous Logic would be beneficial.

Social group... you need at least 5 friends and you need to meet them all outside the social group. Make an excuse, go for coffee, working group, pints. Start putting these plans into action and bit by bit you will get phone calls "Where are you? Wanna go for coffee/pints/shopping?". Friendship is like the story in the Bible of the Master with the three servants. He gave one 5 talents (pieces of gold), to another he gave 1 talent. The guy with 5 went out and got 5 more. They guy with 1 buried it and didnt improve it. No body want to be the guy with only one mate ,too much pressure spread yourself around. The more you have, the more you get, the more you know the more you get introduced to other people. a friendly smile will take you miles and a skowl will make people run.

Alcohol is a great gift, it is a social lubricant, cooking ingredient, as much a part of business and society as it is woven into our culture. Taken in the right spirit, shared with friends or out with a girl on a meal. It is poison taken on an empty stomach or when you are depressed on on your own. Always be aware of that. I have two very good friends with drink problems (in AA). Not because they have drink problems because they cant cope socially and they lean on drink and this itself becomes its own problem.

Dancing classes? Done em, there are two girl to every one guys on a good night. Local IT or Uni has a few on. Doesnt matter if you have two left feet or can dance at the Bolshoi, EVERY GIRL will want to dance with a partner. Its fast, its furious and you will meet about 25 girls in the one night. Its like the phrase throwing plaster at a wall, eventually some of it will have to stick. Car maintenace is always full of girls. Cooking is full of guys BUT It is such a valuable skill, no girl will be impressed if you think international cuisine comes from Abrakebra. A good early investment when you are in your own place is a really good set of kitchen knives (you can build them up slowly, ask a chef for advice on brands and where to buy should cost about €5-25 each depending on the brand and the knife) and Pots (should cost you about a good bit). They will last you a lifetime, and pay for themselves over time. This rule does NOT apply to house sharing.

So you only had two girlfriends? Its not about quantity its about quality. Honestly you sound like an honest guy. At this age (22) girls are getting sick of dating "jack the lads" and are looking for a guy with a plan. Put everything else in place and it will come eventually.

Guy: "Wanna come back to my place?"
Girl : "Where is that?"
Guy : "Parents house"
****GAME OVER******

Same question:
Guy: "Oh I am house sharing"
Girl: "will your flatmates mind?"
Guy: "No they are my friends I share with, they would love to meet you on a night out".
****Gold Star ****

Same question:
Guy:"Actually I have my own flat"
Girl thinks (financially, domestically and socially independent)
Girl: "cool"
****Platinum Membership****

If you tackle this problem the right way you can have everything these guys have and more.

One more question why didnt you go on to 3rd level? Did your grades slack off after the age of 16-18?

LegacyUser

well im in a smiliar enough position to the OP TBH and just came across this thread and this is my story

As a child I always worked really really hard, god I was driving a tractor at 5, doing a full days work with it as at 10, people who came to the farm were amazed by some of the things my brothers and I were doing and could be trusted to do at our age

well the fruits of all that labour were kind, we all excelled at school, and I mean excelled, getting 550points in leaving cert and going to college, getting academic awards even, I didn't have it easy at school as I was the cleverest boy in the class and I hid myself away a bit....I mean even when leaving cert finished and results came I didn't even go out as I just wasn't interested, I just wasn't interested in meeting those I went to school with I think, also had work next day, and I used that as an excuse

used to work with someone who was a genuine man, and he used always say, go way to local town its summer boy, there will be girls there and it will be busy, he even said people develop problems as a result of not socializing and I think he is right

well my brothers socialised well in college, whereas I didn't, they both have good jobs and friends and GFs, I don't know why I didn't folow the same route, Im ashamed to say I wasn't interested, Im over 30 now and feel like a bit of a fool, its not as if id have been unwelcome at houseparties I had some fairly good friends, I would have like to go but didn't want to, if that makes any sense

I moved job this summer I have a really good job too and v good salary and moved closer to home, as I was travelling 100miles to home for the last few years, even when work started I couldn't socialise normally looking back at it, I coudl go to the pub with a few lads, but Im ashamed to say I had v little to contribute to the conversation. for those reading its probably obvious, if u don't do anything u won't have anything to say.

don't know why I was always running home at the weekends, I still don't, well I guess its boring being alone when u don't have any friends in a strange town, bit strange after 8 years in the one town that you couldn't know anyone, I mean all the people can't be horrible can they ?

I also have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with the internet, not XXX sites, just too much time on it

anyway out of boredom the last few summers I had wandered to a v popular costal town near where I like every saturday night, (I should have lots of memories from when I was 18 of going there and getting smashed with friends but I don't), I used to meet a few lads I went to school with there who are still around and used to talk to them a bit, used to have a few drinks nothing excessive or foolish, never ever asked anyone to go with me

of course Im still single,

saw a tall thin girl on her own and went to talk to her, it actually went well and she became my girlfriend for 2months, then she went back home as she wanted to go back to college, I advised her to go back her education is v v v important if she is to have any chance in life

when she left by god I was depressed as was she, we are still in contact, even though I think she has met someone else, we have sent each other christmas presents......as she said when she left, - who know where our paths go........

Only when she left did I realize that maybe being alone wasn't so much fun and I needed something in my life, I really don't want to end up a single bachelor, I want to get married have children, however being the intelligent boy I am I realized, if you dont' have any friends how could you ever have a girlfriend?

took up swimming after she left in a big way, going to do a swim a mile challenger after christmas

so wondering what was wrong why couldn't I let people in my life I decided to go to physologist and told him this story pretty much,

he concluded you are probably quite and shy, and when school was tough you hid away and masked it with work and have continued to do that, essentially a bad habit

so what am I doing to change my life ?
after christmas Im going to go to Toastmasters
also might go back playing music
hopefully going to make a few phonecalls and try and meet up with a few friends that I kinda got to reknow over the summer
also going to go to the dancing classes as mentioned


Jesus I don't even know why I decided to type all this, but its my story and Im going to change my life if I can for the better as Im pretty sick of being alone

LegacyUser

skooterblue2 wrote: »

Been there and done that.... I know exactly what you are going through, except I was doing all wrong for 20 years until last year.

You have a lot going for you that you have a job. Which means you CAN afford to rent outside of home. This is a big plus, alot bigger than you think. Moving away will NOT solve the problem, just transfer the problem else where.

Self medication is not the answer such as Alcohol but atleast you have admitted there is a problem.

A Doctor will not solve your problems but will only put you on medication. A better course of action would be to get and pay for a private Educational Psychologist. I cant advise you or recommend one... this requires your own research. Money spent now will serve you well in the long run (Its going to be expensive €500).

Yeah you probably do have a bad relationship with the internet ... alot of us do myself included. You really need to join an social club and learn some social skills and practice them. A few little books on psychology might help, understand Theory of Mind, Cognative Based Training with some Erroneous Logic would be beneficial.

Social group... you need at least 5 friends and you need to meet them all outside the social group. Make an excuse, go for coffee, working group, pints. Start putting these plans into action and bit by bit you will get phone calls "Where are you? Wanna go for coffee/pints/shopping?". Friendship is like the story in the Bible of the Master with the three servants. He gave one 5 talents (pieces of gold), to another he gave 1 talent. The guy with 5 went out and got 5 more. They guy with 1 buried it and didnt improve it. No body want to be the guy with only one mate ,too much pressure spread yourself around. The more you have, the more you get, the more you know the more you get introduced to other people. a friendly smile will take you miles and a skowl will make people run.

Alcohol is a great gift, it is a social lubricant, cooking ingredient, as much a part of business and society as it is woven into our culture. Taken in the right spirit, shared with friends or out with a girl on a meal. It is poison taken on an empty stomach or when you are depressed on on your own. Always be aware of that. I have two very good friends with drink problems (in AA). Not because they have drink problems because they cant cope socially and they lean on drink and this itself becomes its own problem.

Dancing classes? Done em, there are two girl to every one guys on a good night. Local IT or Uni has a few on. Doesnt matter if you have two left feet or can dance at the Bolshoi, EVERY GIRL will want to dance with a partner. Its fast, its furious and you will meet about 25 girls in the one night. Its like the phrase throwing plaster at a wall, eventually some of it will have to stick. Car maintenace is always full of girls. Cooking is full of guys BUT It is such a valuable skill, no girl will be impressed if you think international cuisine comes from Abrakebra. A good early investment when you are in your own place is a really good set of kitchen knives (you can build them up slowly, ask a chef for advice on brands and where to buy should cost about €5-25 each depending on the brand and the knife) and Pots (should cost you about a good bit). They will last you a lifetime, and pay for themselves over time. This rule does NOT apply to house sharing.

So you only had two girlfriends? Its not about quantity its about quality. Honestly you sound like an honest guy. At this age (22) girls are getting sick of dating "jack the lads" and are looking for a guy with a plan. Put everything else in place and it will come eventually.

Guy: "Wanna come back to my place?"
Girl : "Where is that?"
Guy : "Parents house"
****GAME OVER******

Same question:
Guy: "Oh I am house sharing"
Girl: "will your flatmates mind?"
Guy: "No they are my friends I share with, they would love to meet you on a night out".
****Gold Star ****

Same question:
Guy:"Actually I have my own flat"
Girl thinks (financially, domestically and socially independent)
Girl: "cool"
****Platinum Membership****

If you tackle this problem the right way you can have everything these guys have and more.

One more question why didnt you go on to 3rd level? Did your grades slack off after the age of 16-18?

It was probably this post, its oh so true, which inspired me to write my story, I have a question for the OP what inspired u to change your life around