Dad's Funeral Today

Lux23

It's my Daddy's funeral today, I have to get up and get dressed, but all I want to do is lie here and cry. He was such a wonderful man, I don't know what we will do without him.

banie01

My condolences on your loss.
As I've been explaining to my son recently,loss and grief is soul crushing.
It's a process of learning to adapt, to cope without them,and relearn how to live without someone you love.
In the case of losing a parent, all those little things they do for us, all the things we take for granted from advice, a perfect cup of tea, babysitting and even just a chat or a hug and the million other things we take for granted about a person are now gone forever...
Except I like to think they are not really, the memories of all those shared moments live on in us, in those still here.
It's better to appreciate those moments, to remember the shared love and be happy you had it..
Than it is to curse the world for the happy moments you'll not get to share at all.
Learning to adjust our lives to that fact is hard, but it's a journey we all too often find ourselves taking.
Talking and sharing our grief during times like this can and will make it easier to bear.
Again, my condolences.

kerry4sam

Lux23 wrote: »

It's my Daddy's funeral today, I have to get up and get dressed, but all I want to do is lie here and cry. He was such a wonderful man, I don't know what we will do without him.

Ah so sorry to read your post here. Brought back memories of my own Late Loving Dads' funeral. Currently writing out the acknowledgement & 1st Anniversary (for Dec 20th) and don't actually know where the past 12-months have gone. Just doesn't seem right; you know; still close my eyes and see him smiling, messing, can feel his huge bear-hugs he would give me ...

Your Dad will always be around you, everywhere you look you will be reminded of your Dad; incidents will happen from now onwards and you will feel his presence and love.

Your Dad is gone in person, but not in any other way
Trust Me,
Lots of Hugs,
kerry4sam

Lux23

Someone said to me that as a child of a parent who has passed away that my life will probably return to normal, although it is very hard, it is normal for a parent to die before you. I think I am most concerned about my mother, she is still very young, turning 54 on Saturday. I am only with my partner a couple of years and I cannot imagine my life without him. How do you cope after 35 years. I guess you just have to. My Dad had been sick but received a kidney transplant 2.5 years ago and they were really enjoying life with trips away and going out for drinks and dinner. I just can't get my head around that. The loneliness for partners must be unreal.

Diane Selwyn

sorry for your loss op. I think you will find that a new 'normal' will set in eventually but things will never be quite the same really. Although it's considered the natural order to lose your parents I doubt that is much comfort and your dad must have been young so it would also be natural if you feel he (and you) were cheated. A small condolence might be found in the thought of the great enjoyment of life he was able to experience since his operation. Your mother will no doubt be finding it difficult as well - hopefully you will be able to talk and share your feelings - it might actually help her if she feels that she is helping you (if I know anything about mothers...!)

Lux23

On Wednesday, I found out I had a new job, one I really, really wanted. I got so happy and a bit hyper, then I had a really bad crash yesterday. It was just an horrific bolt of sadness.

Buona Fortuna

Lux23 wrote: »

On Wednesday, I found out I had a new job, one I really, really wanted. I got so happy and a bit hyper, then I had a really bad crash yesterday. It was just an horrific bolt of sadness.

I think our minds "trick" us into forgetting temporarily - yes it really sucks when that happens but I think its like a defence mechanism.

Reading yours reminded me of mine - Those bloody onions.

Best of luck in the new job. Give mum another hug

December2012

Firstly, I know how it feels to bury your father. It's horrible and it sucks and it's difficult and you have my condolences x

Secondly, congratulations on the new job. There is a place for happiness even when you're going through dark times. Enjoy the happiness and pride when they come.

Thirdly - I too have experienced that crash. It's so painful and raw.

My advice is to ride along with your emotions for a few months - it's still so so soon. Talk to your partner, a sympathetic friend. There were a few of us who lost Dad but we all mentioned that we were upset after we had our crashes or sensitive times. For some reason it felt uncomfortable to bring it up during... I felt like I might be bringing my brothers and sisters down.

But we got more used to talking about it.

I don't know if you're male or female; my husband lost a parent and didn't really speak about it, but was annoyed that I wasn't picking up on his bad mood, even though he kept telling me he was ok.

So tell your partner exactly what you need them to do to help you out. That may change every day - you may want to reminisce today and pretend it never happened tomorrow. But let your other half know so they can help you.

And mind yourself x

Lux23

My Dad is a month dead today and it is also would have been his 60th birthday. I hate everyone right now, so angry.

I am shocked at how much your emotions can change at the drop of a hat.

December2012

It seems very unfair doesn't it? How much you lose?

Is there anybody you can talk to in real life?

glassdaisies

Lux23 wrote: »

My Dad is a month dead today and it is also would have been his 60th birthday. I hate everyone right now, so angry.

I am shocked at how much your emotions can change at the drop of a hat.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can absolutely understand that, going through insane changes of feelings at the drop of a hat. I lost my brother a few years ago. Grief is a hard thing. There is no right answer, and it effects everyone differently.

The only thing I can tell you is not to push your feelings down and ignore them. Let yourself feel them. If you're angry, let yourself feel angry. Talk to someone you trust, or get it out in another way, like exercise or hitting a punching bag.

My best advice is to let yourself grieve at your own pace, and know that anything you're feeling is probably normal. If you haven't, I recommend talking to a grief counselor or someone of the like. I only saw someone for a handful of sessions, but they gave me a lot of good tools to use to work through what I was feeling.

Lux23

December2012 wrote: »

It seems very unfair doesn't it? How much you lose?

Is there anybody you can talk to in real life?

There are a few people around. I am lucky that way.

LegacyUser

Very sad to hear about your brave Dad passing so young Lux23, it's not fair and there's no other words for it. But don't be angry, as frustrating as it is you can't change anything, for your own mental health and to ensure you can recover over time to support your Mam with what you yourself describe as life changing for her, you'll need to mentally accept it. That last sentence was expressed in the most compassionate manner possible. You probably don't fully realise that you are still in shock, it's only a couple of years down the road that you'll look back and wonder how you ever got through the past 4 weeks and beyond.

Give yourself time but mentally focus on the serenity of acceptance (as frustrating as that may sound) rather than the turmoil of resistance (which causes all the anger and blocks recovery). I was in the same situation and many years on I still have a cry, I still miss them but I am also at peace with it.

Lux23

Two months on and the pain is just getting worse, I can't handle my mother's grief and she gets angry with me. I'm not able for it. I've had a very hard year or two, dealing with my partner's addiction and self harming. Then my Dad died and I just can't take it all. My family just get angry with me, but I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't take all their grief and stress.

fits

Lux23 wrote: »

Two months on and the pain is just getting worse, I can't handle my mother's grief and she gets angry with me. I'm not able for it. I've had a very hard year or two, dealing with my partner's addiction and self harming. Then my Dad died and I just can't take it all. My family just get angry with me, but I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't take all their grief and stress.

Things are in a state of upheaval and family members can and do take their raw feelings out on each other. I never knew this could be part of the process until i went through it myself. Be there for and support your mum and family but dont tolerate bad behaviour. Sometimes distance can be good for a while. It will settle down in time. Take care.

December2012

Will you go and have a chat with a counsellor or a therapist? Or another mental health practitioner?

That's a lot to be burdened with in such a short period of time.

Taltos

+1000 to the last post.

Please go and talk to someone who can help you learn the skills to deal with this. You don't have to take their grief and stress, but you need a way to shield yourself from the feelings of others. Right now I bet it feels like you are just one big raw exposed nerve and every little thing is just strangling the breath out if you so much that sometimes you really feel you can't breath.

If so, well that's normal but if you aren't managing to lessen the impact in yourself then you need help Asap to learn how to rise above all of that in a healthy way. If you muddle on yourself alone this could go in for months if not years, but with assistance from someone who knows what they're talking about you could turn the corner very soon and start being able to see the sunshine again.

Buona Fortuna

Lux nothing to add to the wise words above.

It is a trully, trully, horrible time. Just wanted to say I feel for you.

My brother and I nearly came to blows when my Dad died. It was over nothing and everything. In a way though it did clear the air.

I'm not recommending it, just ....

Take care

Lux23

Yea, I am going to look into getting some help. I will ring my GP tomorrow. Looking over the last three months, I'm amazed I haven't completely lost it. My partner ended up in a psychiatric ward, Dad got sick and died two weeks later, started a new job, moved house. It's just exhausting.

jerrehpips

Hi there, first of all im really sorry for your loss.

I couldn't agree more with the posts regarding therapists. Lost my father just over a year ago and after months of being angry, snapping at everyone who talked to me and I finally decided to talk to someone.

Believe me it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's a sign of bravery to even admit the need to talk.

Most importantly, look after yourself

Lux23

I am past the anger stage, but I am struggling with the sadness now.

I am finding myself dreading Christmas, it was a time my father loved and I really loved it too, but its just the same any more. This will sound odd, but I remember being really miserable at Christmas the first couple of years after finding out Santa wasn't real and Christmas sort of just became a sad time for me as I suppose I was grieving for my childhood.

Now its hard to imagine getting any joy from Christmas as it just seems so empty now. I have an autistic brother and my Dad used to delight in the way he would react when the tree went up. I almost don't want to witness that because it makes me so sad.

thebiglad

I lost my father last year and had to do 1st Christmas - it is very hard, the space at the table, the present giving etc but I hope next year will be easier.

All the major events 1st time after are going to be hard and painful, just try and have the family or friends around, support each other and grieve again if that is what it takes.

There is no easy way around it but don't change routines to avoid good memories.

Lux23

We already have had the first Christmas as he died in December, but it wasn't really Christmas though. But you're right, I should probably do the things he loved and I may feel better.

Alf Veedersane

Hey OP. I kinda stumbled across this thread but it resonated with me as it has done with others.

It's tough. It's not even just the loss of your Dad but seeing your Mam grieve that makes it worse. It's such a double whammy.

It'll be 8 years in January since I lost my Mam and it still hurts. It's actually strange seeing it in writing because it reads like a long time but doesn't feel it.

I don't think you ever 'get over it'. You just figure out how to deal with it better.

I didn't talk about it with my brothers. We just didn't have that kind of relationship bit I'm glad you have people to talk to. It really helps to be able to talk about your Dad...especially because you'll automatically be talking about the good times and stories that bring a smile to your face.

All I can day is it does get better. Or rather you find yourself better able to deal with things. Christmas is always tough mostly because you'll be conscious that it's especially tough for your mother so it just helps to have people around or just avoid having a very, very quiet day, if possible.

All the best,

Alf

jennyhayes123

I know how you feel, my dad died suddenly nearly 3 years ago and trying to cope with the pain of loosing him and seeing my mother being so lonely on her own was heart breaking. Without going too much in to it fast forward and my mother died 2 weeks ago. It still feels very surreal saying that. So now we have the pain of loosing her but at least she isn't lonely any more. It's a tough world

Lux23

I am just a few days from my Dad's first anniversary and I have come a long way since his funeral last year. I have accepted that I won't see him again and I am sort of OK with this. I miss him and I don't think that will ever go away, but when I feel like crying I do a little and then I feel better again. I also found that I am laughing a lot more now which is nice. For months, I could be sitting watching a comedy but struggling to find any humour in it.

Full Marx

Lux23 wrote: »

I am just a few days from my Dad's first anniversary and I have come a long way since his funeral last year. I have accepted that I won't see him again and I am sort of OK with this. I miss him and I don't think that will ever go away, but when I feel like crying I do a little and then I feel better again. I also found that I am laughing a lot more now which is nice. For months, I could be sitting watching a comedy but struggling to find any humour in it.

Glad to hear you are doing better. How is your mum?

It does get easier as time goes on but everyone works on a different timeframe. When you have siblings etc it is important to remember this, grief effects people in different ways - its important to remember that if others seem to be grieving more or less (visibly) than you are thats ok - it doesnt mean that they miss him any more or less than you do. Sometimes this can be a source of tension after a family member dies especially at xmas time when some are enjoying themselves and others are sad or withdrawn.

I don't know if you're a religious person or not but some find solace in that.. sometimes the worst aspect of it as time goes on is suddenly you think of something to tell them and forget they are gone, then it all comes crashing back... when this happens I tell them anyway, I kinda pray to them or something but I guess you could speak to a picture or something, I find it helps.

Best of luck and try to have a nice christmas

Lux23

To be honest I firmly believe that when you're dead, you're gone forever and I actually find that comforting in a way. I find it sad to think that someone that has died is somewhere and they miss you.

As for my Mum, I don't know how she is internally but she seems to be coping well. She went to Boston on her summer holidays and has a few other weekends away too. I would imagine she is very lonely, suddenly losing you closest companion from 19 to 54 must be an awful shock.

NIMAN

Really feel for you OP.
I was in a very similar position, albeit over 22yrs ago now.

My father was 55 and died of a heart attack at home, more or less in my arms. In the coming days I took it all in my stride, and seemed to accept it well. However gradually over the next 6 months I turned into a bit of a wreck.

But over time, it did get better. Time does heal. Maybe after a couple of years you are more or less back to leading a normal life. You think about him every day and often get sad, cry etc but you cope much better. You learn to laugh again, enjoy life, have happy memories rather than the painful last few minutes. I'm not sure whether its just you accept that this will happen to all of us, that others will mourn us just as we mourn our fathers. Its the great big circle of life, and none of us are stopping it.

Something I did find painful over the intial handful of years was my mother. She was with my father since she was 14, and I felt so sorry for her. They were always in each others company, inseparable. As hard as it was for the kids, it was twice as hard for her I'm sure. But she was a strong woman, having lost 2 siblings herself at a young age. I know she misses him every hour of every day even now, and doesn't have the other things in life to take her mind off it like her kids have.

But do take some comfort from the fact that you will all move on and learn to live with this. It will be hard, of course it will. You might find you want to cry at the rarest times, out of the blue. But I find this happens so rarely now. As I said, my memories now are happy ones. I often feel sad that he never got to meet any of my kids, but hey, that's life. At least my mother is getting great solace from all her grandkids.

Take care of yourself and your family, and keep the chin up. Be thankful for the time you had with your Dad, and always remember the good times. Don't be afraid to laugh and enjoy yourself and get on with life, I am sure that's what they would want us all to do.

Lux23

God, that must have been so traumatic. My Dad had an aneurysm so my brother and Mum were there with him when it happened, my Mum revived him and the ambulance was there to administer the drugs very quickly. I was glad, I didn't see that and I know my brother was traumatised, although this only seems to be affecting him now a year later.

NIMAN

Make sure any of your family who feel they might need to chat about it go and do it.

Often its not easy to talk/cry etc with family members, and professionally trained counsellors can often provide a great service. These are tough times for you all and there is no shame getting help to get through it.

JupiterKid

@Lux. I know how you feel. I'm still having difficulty grieving properly for my dad a year and 4 months since his passing. But I do have friends and family to turn to. It still doesn't take away to huge void in my life that his passing has created.

I know what you're going through.

Lux23

NIMAN wrote: »

Make sure any of your family who feel they might need to chat about it go and do it.

Often its not easy to talk/cry etc with family members, and professionally trained counsellors can often provide a great service. These are tough times for you all and there is no shame getting help to get through it.

My brother is actually going to his GP today, big step for him, I don't think he has seen a doctor since he was 12. (He is 22)

Lux23

I really didn't enjoy Christmas. I missed my Dad terribly and then there were two deaths over the last couple of days that brought up a lot of emotions. It has made me realise that although I really miss my Dad, what I am yearning for is a child. I feel like something is missing, life just seems like an endless pointless slog at the moment. I shouldn't feel like that as I have a lot going for me.

JupiterKid

It's natural that Christmas just won't be the same after losing a loved one. It's the second Christmas without my dear father and at times I still miss him terribly.

You went through a lot of upheaval at the time you lost your father Lux and yet you still managed to cope. That shows that you have reserves of internal strength that you might not even knew you possessed.

I've just found out that my aunt passed away and I lost my cousin in October (he was her youngest son). There has been a lot of loss in my life recently but somehow I still (just about) manage to keep going. Look after yourself Lux.

Old Perry

My father died a month ago. I dont know whether im coming or going right now.

madmaggie

For the newly bereaved, please believe me when I say a month, or even a year is a very short time in the grieving process. It can still strike unexpectedly after many years, so be easy on yourselves.

Reading about all the great Dads reminded me of my father's funeral. We didn't get along, but a family member persuaded me to go for "closure". Big mistake, but for being dosed up on Valium I wouldn't have made it through those few days. A horrible experience, but my relative meant well. Treasure the memories of those good Dads, you were lucky.

LegacyUser

Sending you all strength and love. My own dad died suddenly when I was 15 years old, I am an only girl and idolised him. It broke my heart that he wasn't with me for all my major life events.

Unfortunately I still shed a tear more often than I care to admit. When he died I was so consumed with my own grief, I couldn't fathom my mams grief. I couldn't understand how mam could miss him more than I did after all they weren't blood relatives like we were.

Dad was 44, Mam was a widow at 42, with 4 children, the youngest was 3 years old. She never married again, in fact she really gave up on life and aged 20 years overnight. Life went in and I looked after mam, I was married by the time I was 22 and along with my own 5 children, I mostly reared my youngest sibling as mam disconnected from normal life.

Mam has always lived with us and has just had her 73rd birthday and we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this year.

Every year has been hard and I miss my dad dearly even after 31 years. I remember two particular difficult times: the year he was longer dead than I knew him, his 16th anniversary. How could the man who was my whole life be longer deceased than he was in my life. The second was my 45th birthday, acknowledging I was then older than my dad ever reached was a bit surreal. When I was 15, I kinda thought my dad was old, it wasn't until I got older I understood how young he was to die.

A sudden unexpected death has left me with emotional attachment issues, I suffer from anxiety when my children are out etc, I have an irrational fear that perhaps I won't see them again.

While losing a parent is natural, it's difficult and leaves all sorts of confused emotions xxx

December2012

Old Perry wrote: »

My father died a month ago. I dont know whether im coming or going right now.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I was the same at that stage. It's a lot to process

NIMAN

JupiterKid wrote: »

It's natural that Christmas just won't be the same after losing a loved one. It's the second Christmas without my dear father and at times I still miss him terribly.

You went through a lot of upheaval at the time you lost your father Lux and yet you still managed to cope. That shows that you have reserves of internal strength that you might not even knew you possessed.

I've just found out that my aunt passed away and I lost my cousin in October (he was her youngest son). There has been a lot of loss in my life recently but somehow I still (just about) manage to keep going. Look after yourself Lux.

My father died over 20 years ago, and I still miss him at Xmas. Its a natural thing as its that time of the year when families get together and socialise like they often don't do during the rest of the year. Of course we are going to miss loved ones who are no longer with us.

Time heals, but you will never forget.

XplaygirlX

My mam died 2 months ago and im a complete mess

XplaygirlX

I'm very sorry for your loss lux23

Lisha

XplaygirlX wrote: »

My mam died 2 months ago and im a complete mess

I wish I could say something to help it I know nothing really helps at this very raw stage. All I can do is offer you my deep felt sympathies . Hugs to you. Be kind to yourself

Michael Weston

Lux23 wrote:

It's my Daddy's funeral today, I have to get up and get dressed, but all I want to do is lie here and cry. He was such a wonderful man, I don't know what we will do without him.

So sorry for your loss it's a crushing time and both physically and emotionally exhausting. I was there two years ago and if there's one piece of advice I would offer it is this , seek out the other members of your family and ye will find strength in each other . There's no procedures to get through this just be good to yourself and take as much time as you need, it won't ever be the same again but you'll find a new normal, laugh when you can and don't worry about crying when you need to. My sympathies to you Lux

Lux23

I had a terrible disappointment in my career over the last week or so and I am really missing my father. I do feel like giving up.

Lisha

Lux23 wrote: »

I had a terrible disappointment in my career over the last week or so and I am really missing my father. I do feel like giving up.

Oh That's tough. I really feel for you. What advice would your Dad give you if he was here do you think?
Maybe do something nice for yourself and be kind to yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

Diane Selwyn

Lux23 wrote: »

I had a terrible disappointment in my career over the last week or so and I am really missing my father. I do feel like giving up.

Sorry to hear that but maybe it could be a good opportunity to take a bit of time to revisit your goals and how what you are currently doing is working out for you. Sometimes a big disappointment can lead to positive changes. I find this time of year hard even though I quite like the autumn - the end of the summer really makes you notice the passing of time I guess. Hope you are feeling better today anyway.

Lux23

Thanks, I do feel better today. I dusted out my CV anyway and I am looking to see what opportunities are out there.