not boyfriend material apparently

LegacyUser

So I've been seeing this guy for the last 4 months. everything has been going great! met his family and friends, he has met mine, talk about what we want to do together over the next few months, planned to spend one day each during the Christmas hols to spend with eachothers family. texts me or calls every day and basically happy out. went away for the weekend and had a few drinks and we had a really big heart to heart about our relationship pasts, both quite bad which has resulted in both of us being a bit more wary of relationships. Him more so than me as he is a bit older (5 years) he has had his fair share of heartbreak. He suffers from depression and anxiety and finds it really hard to open up.
I don't think I've felt about someone the way I feel about him. He is very kind and genuine and all the good things. I opened up about my feelings towards him and asked him where he thinks this is going, he said that he really likes me and really cares for me but he thinks he isn't "relationship" material because he is so closed off and nervous. he feels that he would make a lousy boyfriend due to his lack of experience ( I'm fairly lacking in that dept anyways so that doesn't bother me ! )
I'm a bit hurt because I put myself out there but I'm willing to wait as I think this guy is just nervous or something and afraid to commit. We are in a relationship in all but title I felt but I don't know now.

What say you oh wonder board people?

beauty101

I know how you feel OP, I've been there myself.

The best advice I could offer you is to pull back and save yourself the hurt. This guy clearly isn't looking for a relationship. It sounds to me like he's getting all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in a relationship and that's just not good enough, you deserve better.

If I were you I'd be strong and walk away, save yourself the heartbreak of chasing somebody who doesn't want the same thing you do.

CaraMay

Op what are you waiting for? You are only going to get more of the same ie to be in a relationship in all but name

He has told you what's on offer. Is that enough for you? Forget about waiting for him to change - he won't.

pookie82

I find it really odd that he doesn't think he's relationship material but is keen to hang out with your family/have you hang out with his.

Whatever about seeing each other at weekends or going on dates, this making plans for a few months' ahead and agreeing mutual family time is really unfair on you if he doesn't see himself committing to you.

What are you supposed to tell your family, or him his? "Hi Mum, I'd like you to meet the guy-who-I-spend-all-my-time-with-and-make-plans-with-who-likes-me-very-much-but-can't-be-my-boyfriend"?

It's possible that he's saying what he's saying about himself due to his OWN attitude about what he's capable of, not due to how he feels about you. But either way, it amounts to the same cop out - "I'll be your boyfriend in all but name but don't expect any future with me". I don't think by the sounds of things that would ever be enough for you, nor should it be.

If I were you I'd revisit the conversation and make it clear that you won't accept less than someone who's willing to commit or leave, at this stage.

keane2097

You're clearly already in a relationship and have been pretty happy with your OH's performance as a boyfriend to date (and it sounds like you didn't have much reason not to be either).

These sort of conversations you had about your pasts etc can get very philosophical and involved and TBH I wouldn't be surprised if the "I don't know if I'm boyfriend material" stuff was just a bit melodramatic after an hour or two of the tortured soul stuff ye had been doing up to that. Particularly if ye were after a few drinks on the weekend away together.

If you had reasons to fear he was not being the sort of companion you were looking for then you might have an issue. If things have been good before this and are the same after it I wouldn't necessarily take this as particularly meaningful.

Dixie Chick

I think that you should maybe put your thoughts to him. That you both have your damage from previous relationships and if he is taking this "not relationship materials" viewpoint to protect himself then you are left on a limb as you are getting in deeper

Its also only 4 months in, which is very early for the heavy talks like that and can be daunting