Can you change your personality?

Meathlass

Is there an age at which you can't really change fundamental aspects of your personality?

I'm a procrastinator, always have been. Even when I know it's going to leave me incredibly stressed out I always leave everything until the last minute - work, college assignments, packing for weekends away, getting ready for nights out. Why can't I learn from past experiences? Is it as simple as being a bit lazy?

A friend of mine is a pessimist; she's been like this as long as I can remember.

I think while we might be able to improve aspects of our psychology (e.g. become less impatient) we can't really change our fundamental personality traits. Or maybe a leopard can change its spots?

Irishcrx

Yes can happen, but ironically...it depends on your personality!

Banjo String

Absolutely, just ask Walter White Mr Heisenberg.

Meathlass

Banjo String wrote: »

Absolutely, just ask Walter White Mr Heisenberg.

I'd argue that Heisenberg's actions were the outwardly manifestation of Walter's innate personality traits. We're not really given enough of his back story to see what he was like before his diagnosis.

Akrasia

I guess nobody ever changes... or else they quickly change, and then quickly change back

Don Kedick

No, you have the same personality from when you're 3 till you die.

Akrasia

Meathlass wrote: »

A friend of mine is a pessimist; she's been like this as long as I can remember.

Just keep reminding her to 'cheer up, it'll probably never happen'

That will definitely work

wadacrack

we can adapt..but we dont change from our primary traits

Yes you can, if you are psychotic!

Meathlass

So, there's no hope for me?

I'm always going to go to the wire on deadlines :-(

pragmatic1

Yes, but it's usually accompanied with a life changing experience.

wretcheddomain

Ask a schizophrenic, they should know.

Don Kedick

Meathlass wrote: »

So, there's no hope for me?

I'm always going to go to the wire on deadlines :-(

Yes but don't you get a bit of a thrill out of the panic? You say you wish you had just done it but there's something satisfying about doing it at 3am and then completing it in the morning just before it's due.

Meathlass

Don Kedick wrote: »

Yes but don't you get a bit of a thrill out of the panic? You say you wish you had just done it but there's something satisfying about doing it at 3am and then completing it in the morning just before it's due.

Yes I get an adrenalin rush but I don't perform to the best of my abilities either in that situation. I feel like I'm constantly stressed.

I'm able to hide it well and am highly regarded by my work colleagues but I could do so much better if I focused.

Too Tough To Die

I don't think procrastination is a fundamental aspect of your personality.

Don Kedick

Meathlass wrote: »

Yes I get an adrenalin rush but I don't perform to the best of my abilities either in that situation. I feel like I'm constantly stressed.

I'm able to hide it well and am highly regarded by my work colleagues but I could do so much better if I focused.

Yeah, it would be nice to get it done early so you can relax a bit more and not stress out but at the same time, you still have to do the work even if you do it early. It's still stressful, your mind tells you that you don't want stress at the moment and to put it off for another time. Then it reaches deadline time and you have to do it.
You'll tell yourself that you wont let that happen the next time but your mind has other ideas and you'll repeat the same process. I'm afraid I think that's just the way you'll always be. Maybe try hypnotherapy, although I'm not sure of the success rate.

Meathlass

Don Kedick wrote: »

It's still stressful, your mind tells you that you don't want stress at the moment and to put it off for another time. Then it reaches deadline time and you have to do it.

But I don't actually find the work itself stressful, it's just doing it watching the clock is killing me and I'm seriously underperforming. I'm starting into my thesis research now and I can't take another 8 months of feeling like this.

Don Kedick

Meathlass wrote: »

But I don't actually find the work itself stressful, it's just doing it watching the clock is killing me and I'm seriously underperforming. I'm starting into my thesis research now and I can't take another 8 months of feeling like this.

Right, I think you are lazy. I'm not saying you don't work hard but you're lazy. What can you do about it? You've probably tried this but you can use a reward system. I'll do this amount on my thesis research and then I can watch tv for an hour or go on the internet or whatever you choose.
Set yourself a timetable, ie make your own deadlines. I have to get this much completed by this date. It HAS to be done. Try to motivate yourself. This research is very important to me and I want to do the best job possible on it.
Don't do it for too long everyday. In your timetable you split the work up, this means you wont get tired or fed up, make sure you are getting lots of rest.
All this stuff mighten't help because you are lazy as I've said, it would be helpful if you had someone to remind you of these things but if not you'll just have to work on it by yourself.

Meathlass

Don Kedick wrote: »

Right, I think you are lazy. I'm not saying you don't work hard but you're lazy.

Think you've probably hit the nail on the head here

zanador

Meathlass wrote: »

Think you've probably hit the nail on the head here

I don't agree necessarily that you are lazy. I too would be a procrastinator, everything is last minute and I am also a high performer. When I try and do a little bit at the time I don't do as well, I over think things and edit them too much. My skill in writing papers lies in my free flowing style and if I work at it too hard it becomes stilted.

I used to hate myself for this, saw it as a flaw etc etc.. but now that I have accepted that this is the way I am, the work always gets done and I always do well, I understand that it is just my style of doing things. Long periods of calm interspersed with moments of high activity and intense focus (hunter mode) rather than slow and steady constant focus. This acceptance has got rid of most of the stress leading up to a project, and so when it kicks in I know it's time to start work.

As for feeling like you're not doing your best, maybe this IS your best? Are you holding yourself up to the standard of 'Doing my best must mean studying/working one hour a day in an organised fashion'? Because for me that's not doing my best. I do my best in a sort of creative free fall!

Also, time thinking about hings is also time working on them, so whilst I am not sitting down foccussing on things I am constantly thinking about them in the background of my head and so when I DO sit down they all come out.

So, in the end, I figure that I am as able to concentrate and focus as well as others, only for a shorter time at a higher intensity and that's just the way I do things. Work to your strengths, don't try and change yourself to something you're not!

Meathlass

zanador wrote: »

As for feeling like you're not doing your best, maybe this IS your best? Are you holding yourself up to the standard of 'Doing my best must mean studying/working one hour a day in an organised fashion'? Because for me that's not doing my best. I do my best in a sort of creative free fall!

No, I definitely could do better. I think I need to reassess my whole timetable of how I approach things. I feel like I need about 3 hours at a time to get stuck into a project; anything less than that isn't optimum for me.

I have very limited time (full time job, 4 hour daily commute, part-time college 2 evenings a week & about 10 hours voluntary work a week) at the moment and I'm constantly exhausted so when I have an hour or two free the last thing I want to do is study.

I think I need to do up a very strict timetable to cover every aspect of my life for the next 6 months. :eek:

Magico Gonzalez

zanador wrote: »

I don't agree necessarily that you are lazy. I too would be a procrastinator, everything is last minute and I am also a high performer. When I try and do a little bit at the time I don't do as well, I over think things and edit them too much. My skill in writing papers lies in my free flowing style and if I work at it too hard it becomes stilted.

I used to hate myself for this, saw it as a flaw etc etc.. but now that I have accepted that this is the way I am, the work always gets done and I always do well, I understand that it is just my style of doing things. Long periods of calm interspersed with moments of high activity and intense focus (hunter mode) rather than slow and steady constant focus. This acceptance has got rid of most of the stress leading up to a project, and so when it kicks in I know it's time to start work.

As for feeling like you're not doing your best, maybe this IS your best? Are you holding yourself up to the standard of 'Doing my best must mean studying/working one hour a day in an organised fashion'? Because for me that's not doing my best. I do my best in a sort of creative free fall!

Also, time thinking about hings is also time working on them, so whilst I am not sitting down foccussing on things I am constantly thinking about them in the background of my head and so when I DO sit down they all come out.

So, in the end, I figure that I am as able to concentrate and focus as well as others, only for a shorter time at a higher intensity and that's just the way I do things. Work to your strengths, don't try and change yourself to something you're not!

This, more or less the same. Always did well on exams, never did well on coursework. Perform well in pressure situations in work, not the best person for long ongoing repetitive tasks.

Learn and play to your strengths.

Saralee4

I think your personality is constantly changing very slightly as you go along based on your experiences throughout life.

You might be faced with something traumatic and realise you have great strength and this will change your outlook or you could get a job that turns out to be highly stressful and you cant miss deadlines so you adapt and become more punctual or you have a job where you can get away with being late all the time and you become more relaxed in your approach. This is going to change your pattern of thinking in general and your approach so I think all experiences in life are shaping us constantly and there isn't really a stop on personality as such.

I suppose there are fundamental personality traits instilled from childhood but I think to a certain extent we never stop evolving our personalities for better or worse.

zanador

Magico Gonzalez wrote: »

This, more or less the same. Always did well on exams, never did well on coursework. Perform well in pressure situations in work, not the best person for long ongoing repetitive tasks.

Learn and play to your strengths.

I don't do so well in exams but can knock out a 5,000 word essay in a few hours. Can't do the minutiae of the project but am a good project manager keeping my eye on a million things at once.

I am much happier since I stopped thinking of what I should be and started thinking of what I actually am

biko

Just consider first what Jesus would do.

Philo Beddoe

Meathlass, have you been meaning to create this thread for a while?

Meathlass

Philo Beddoe wrote: »

Meathlass, have you been meaning to create this thread for a while?

Just haven't been able to get around to it!

ScumLord

The human brain is a learning machine which basically means it's reprogrammable. The only way to reprogram it is to force yourself into new behaviour for long enough that your brain just gets used to doing it the new way. Force yourself to get your study done early for a month and it will become a new habit. It's not impossible it's just really, really hard.

Sclosages

You can't change your personality. You can learn to make the most of your stronger traits though.

Don Kedick

Sclosages wrote: »

You can't change your personality. You can learn to make the most of your stronger traits though.

Hey aren't you the girl that was going to be homeless? What happened? Are you safe?

Sclosages

ScumLord wrote: »

The human brain is a learning machine which basically means it's reprogrammable. The only way to reprogram it is to force yourself into new behaviour for long enough that your brain just gets used to doing it the new way. Force yourself to get your study done early for a month and it will become a new habit. It's not impossible it's just really, really hard.

Disagree. Forcing yourself to change is a recipe for an ulcer. Instead, make the most of your dominant traits.
For e.g., I'm scatty, catty, batty and plain mad. For that reason, I'm a brilliant people person. I tried to become focused, driven, disciplined etc. It didn't work. There is a place for everyone.

Sclosages

Don Kedick wrote: »

Hey aren't you the girl that was going to be homeless? What happened? Are you safe?

Yup. Found a place to stay - for two weeks anyway. Did I say I was disciplined, dedicated and diligent? No. I said I was scatty, catty and batty.

The_Valeyard

Suppose I better ask my other personalities if there is room for one more, or are we allowed change persona

Don Kedick

Sclosages wrote: »

Yup. Found a place to stay - for two weeks anyway. Did I say I was disciplined, dedicated and diligent? No. I said I was scatty, catty and batty.

Onwards and upwards from here!

Sclosages

Don Kedick wrote: »

Onwards and upwards from here!

Perhaps I should re-try the change to dedicated, diligent and eh.............. Nope. Not happening.
Lazy individual that I am.

NO.
I am what I am so I need to make the most of that.

Don Kedick

Sclosages wrote: »

Perhaps I should re-try the change to dedicated, diligent and eh.............. Nope. Not happening.
Lazy individual that I am.

NO.
I am what I am so I need to make the most of that.

Trying to be someone else is just lying to yourself. You'll get on great with the talents that you have.

ScumLord

Sclosages wrote: »

Disagree. Forcing yourself to change is a recipe for an ulcer. Instead, make the most of your dominant traits.
For e.g., I'm scatty, catty, batty and plain mad. For that reason, I'm a brilliant people person. I tried to become focused, driven, disciplined etc. It didn't work. There is a place for everyone.

There is, and like you say being weak in one area means you've focused on being better in another. But you can force yourself to change, they do it to soldiers every day. They come in weak westerners and come out waking up at the crack of dawn whether they like it or not.

zanador

ScumLord wrote: »

There is, and like you say being weak in one area means you've focused on being better in another. But you can force yourself to change, they do it to soldiers every day. They come in weak westerners and come out waking up at the crack of dawn whether they like it or not.

Hmm, one could argue that only a certain personality type becomes a successful soldier though. So only the ones who can change in that way do change?

I do think we change in adversity - things like empathy, or bitterness, grow and recede. But I will be an empathetic procrastinator, or a bitter one

Littlekittylou

Meathlass wrote: »

Is there an age at which you can't really change fundamental aspects of your personality?

I'm a procrastinator, always have been. Even when I know it's going to leave me incredibly stressed out I always leave everything until the last minute - work, college assignments, packing for weekends away, getting ready for nights out. Why can't I learn from past experiences? Is it as simple as being a bit lazy?

A friend of mine is a pessimist; she's been like this as long as I can remember.

I think while we might be able to improve aspects of our psychology (e.g. become less impatient) we can't really change our fundamental personality traits. Or maybe a leopard can change its spots?

I think you can 'heal' bits of you and improve.

You can't make yourself like the taste of bananas though if you don't like them. There are some bits of yourself you can't change.

There are some career types I would be totally unsuited to. I have a certain way of thinking.


I think also there are some things I know I could not do. As in I dunno the way I like to treat people and the way I need to be treated.

I do you think can change certain bits. But not others. I would be wary of anyone changing themselves especially for anyone else. Your uniqueness is important to the world. And yes that is saccharine sweet and I know I am that way and I can't change that. :-P

I do think you can be the BEST of you though.

I know people who are one way in their jobs and another at home etc . And they are not changing but we all have different aspects.

ScumLord

zanador wrote: »

Hmm, one could argue that only a certain personality type becomes a successful soldier though. So only the ones who can change in that way do change?

Littlekittylou wrote: »

You can't make yourself like the taste of bananas though if you don't like them. There are some bits of yourself you can't change.

I think people would be pretty surprised by what they could do if they had to. If you went without food for any amount of time you would devour a banana and love it. I've found that many of the foods I supposedly hated as a child I can eat and enjoy now. I just said no to foods because I could be choosy.

We're very mollycoddled in the west, we think we can't do things but as people in the past have proved if your world changes you change with it. What seems alien and beyond you becomes mundane.

In the west we have so much choice the only reason for us to push ourselves is to achieve something, often something unnecessary like a 5k run, just as something to accomplish. Its hard to be motivated in the west because you often don't have to be that motivated to survive.

Littlekittylou

ScumLord wrote: »

I think people would be pretty surprised by what they could do if they had to. If you went without food for any amount of time you would devour a banana and love it. I've found that many of the foods I supposedly hated as a child I can eat and enjoy now. I just said no to foods because I could be choosy.

We're very mollycoddled in the west, we think we can't do things but as people in the past have proved if your world changes you change with it. What seems alien and beyond you becomes mundane.

In the west we have so much choice the only reason for us to push ourselves is to achieve something, often something unnecessary like a 5k run, just as something to accomplish. Its hard to be motivated in the west because you often don't have to be that motivated to survive.

My Dad did not have a choice of foods growing up. He had to eat often what he hated. He ate it because he was hungry he still hates it though.

You can make yourself do what you hate and be gracious and grateful. But it might not change your preferences.

The point is you do it if you have to. But would you choose to? Personality is partially expressed when you have freedom to choose. Not just when you are nailed to the wall.

And there are just some things I couldn't do when nailed to the wall.

Sclosages

food preferences and personality is like eh.......... bananas and apples. something like that.
we're not comparing like with like.

Littlekittylou

Sclosages wrote: »

food preferences and personality is like eh.......... bananas and apples. something like that.
we're not comparing like with like.

It's an analogy not a comparison

Venus In Furs

You can train yourself out of certain thought patterns/behaviours. It's difficult but it's doable. Probably not something people will only really make an effort to do if their life is in dire need of change.

Littlekittylou

Sclosages wrote: »

Yup. Found a place to stay - for two weeks anyway. Did I say I was disciplined, dedicated and diligent? No. I said I was scatty, catty and batty.

Well delighted you are safe and sound! Erm maybe try and be less catty though.

Littlekittylou

Venus In Furs wrote: »

You can train yourself out of certain thought patterns/behaviours. It's difficult but it's doable. Probably not something people will only really make an effort to do if their life is in dire need of change.

You can particularly bad ones as you have something to run away from, the consequence.

I am more on the scatty side of the spectrum, but I am warm hearted with a sense of values and depth. I can see beauty in very simple things. I can do discipline and focus. But to a point. Both aspects make me a creative empathetic person. But I can be a little introverted so my battiness I think is safer.

My down side is it took me a long time to be able to leave people alone. I had to learn that some people don't want my help some don't need it and I don't know everything.
Oh and more recently that I should also help myself.

Battiness has it's advantages. It helps you not to dwell on damaging things.
I think you can harness the personality you DO have to do great things.

But I am more on the emotive sensitive side of the spectrum. I am naturally affectionate. I find hostile environments difficult.