How to deal with absent father

LegacyUser

Hi, I have 2 almost adult sons who I have raised on my own since they were under 5 years old. I kicked their dad out and I think he has held it against them ever since. When he first moved into a rented house in town I had to bring the boys to see him or he would not bother, I would have to pack them a lunch or send some groceries with them or he wouldn't think of feeding them (bare in mind they were under 5 at this stage). He then moved back to his home town and went through a phase of 6 months were he didn't see them or contact me or contribute in anyway.

When I got my solicitor to look for maintenance (about 8 months after we split) he decided he wanted to see them every 2nd weekend which I agreed to. This worked well for quite a while. He also paid £100 a week (later €127) towards their upkeep. We were civil to each other and would collaborate on Christmas and birthday presents, he came to school plays etc.

About 2 years after we split he met a girl and I got to meet her and thought she was lovely and was happy for my children to spend time with her. They were together about a year when she got pregnant. I made the decision that my boys would see their baby as much as possible and bond with her. I never let them think of her as anything other than their sister.

The problems then began when they decided to move to live a good 3 hours from us. The visitation became once a month which I understood as it was a long drive for him, although, if, and it did happen quite a bit, I was heading down that direction I would meet him halfway or drop them off or whatever was possible.

They had another daughter and my boys loved being big brothers and I would always make sure that we bought them birthday and Christmas presents every year as well as my ex and his partner.

About 6 years ago he decided to get married to his partner and instead of going on honeymoon they decided to take their 2 girls to disney in Paris for a week. I suggested that he take the boys and I would pay. They would be helpful in looking after the girls since the eldest was now nearly 14 years old. He refused. He had never taken them anywhere other than probably about 3 zoo visits in all the years since we split up. I was hurt as I thought that it was a great chance for my boys to be part of a family holiday with their dad.

Fast forward to August 5 years ago and I didn't receive my weekly maintenance. I questioned my ex and he said that he was out of work with depression and couldn't afford it and that his wife was pregnant again. I felt sorry for him and applied to court to have the maintenance order varied to 0 until he would be able to pay again but the judge insisted that he pay the back money he owed (which was about €4k at that stage). When he couldn't the judge threatened to put him in jail as he missed a court appearance. I went to court and pleaded with the judge on his behalf but he had to pay me the €4k. His parents stumped it up and feeling sorry for them I gave them back half of it as I didn't think it was fair that they should have to pay up.

Anyway since the 3rd baby was born he became even more distant in the boys lives. One of our sons was sick and getting tests in hospital but he would not answer the phone to me when I would try to update him. Thankfully our son is well but it raised a flag to me that he won't answer calls from me.

Our eldest went to college and he contributed nothing to getting him set up. I have done everything for my boys without anything from him for years now and don't expect anything. When my youngest wants to go visit his dad each month it costs me about €40 to put him on 2 buses as his dad won't collect him anymore. The youngest was meant to go visit him during the summer and we were sitting at the bus station and rang his dad to make sure he was still going to collect him the other side. We couldn't get through to him on my phone (coz my son's credit was low). We rang his wife and she said she would get him to ring him. He did and said he couldn't come that weekend. This was about 5 mins before the bus was due to go.

Another weekend he went and was meant to stay a week but was sent home after a 2 days as his dad "couldn't afford to feed him". Until the weekend gone by, the last time my son visited him was in August. He has had a lot on with different things but didnt seem to be too pushed on going.

Both my boys had their birthdays in October and didn't receive a card from their dad (or their grandparents on that side I might add) just a text. My son went there this weekend and I stupidly expected that there would be a present of some sort for his birthday. I was very wrong.

This has upset me so much as I know they are not badly off. He has a decent job, they have a council mortgage and his wife works part time. I lost my job a few years ago and am re-training and have to rent my house out to pay my mortgage and live with family.

I feel I have been as fair as I can, I have never been demanding but feel that my boys are treated like distant relatives in their father's life. They are such amazing and good boys but my heart breaks as it is just not fair that they should have to have such a crap dad. I was talking to my youngest about it all yesterday and asking how he feels. He said "The only way to deal with apathy is to fight it with apathy". Broke my heart. How can a dad be apathetic towards his own son?

TL/DR My ex neglects his sons while being a good dad to his daughters.

So basically the advice I am asking is, should I ring and try to talk to my ex and ask him what the hell is going on and point out that he has almost lost his sons and I won't encourage or pay for them to visit him any more? Or should I write to him? Or should I talk to his parents?

I am just lost as to what to do as I feel that I am neglecting my sons if I don't try and get their dad to play a part in their lives.

Flippyfloppy

I really don't mean to be dismissive but listen to your youngest sons advice; wise young man.

Their dad is not going to change after all these years.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with Flippyfloppy, and can I add, you seem to be more affected by this than your sons.

You can't force someone to want to be part of your life. They either want to and do it willingly, or they don't want to, begrudge the time they have to spend together and create an unpleasant atmosphere.

Instead of trying to do the right thing and force your sons into an unpleasant situation, do the right thing and keep them away from it. They are almost adults. They're obviously not eejits. They haven't needed their dad for a long time. They don't need him now. Take your lead from them, and stop trying to create something that will never exist.

I commend you for trying. But there's only so much you can do if the other person is not interested.

Shrap

Same here, I agree with both your youngest son and Flippyfloppy. Your nearly adult son's have benefited massively by your advocacy towards their relationship with their father over the years, despite his growing apathy towards them. There was clearly no more you could/can do that is humanly possible to encourage their relationship, and I'm sure your boys know this and appreciate it.

They're of an age now where their Dad's shortcomings towards them is being seen in quite an adult fashion and they are dealing with the disappointments in their own way. It might be hard for you to let them feel disappointed (if they do) without trying to fix it for them, but essentially it's out of your hands now, and you've given them such a good grounding in showing how you actually go about making an effort towards a parent/child relationship that this will stand to them so much more than what their Dad is showing them.

They may well turn round to their father some day themselves and say straight to him how much he let them down, and they will do that in the knowledge that you made every effort not to let that happen to them. Try and stop stressing so much about it. In fact, from the one thing your youngest said to you, I think you would have their support if you were to just let it go - why not ask them if they think it's ok that you stop beating your head off this particular brick wall? Ask them if you should keep trying? I'd say you might get some very adult answers that would surprise you and even make you realise how grounded they are....

jopax

Hi there, I just wanted to say that you sound like am amazing mum and your boys are blessed to have you.

Call me Al

You've a wise son.

They're almost grown men who can see what's going on and who you've done your best by to foster as good a relationship as you can with their father. It's his loss at the end of the day.
Take the stress from your lives and don't force the issue anymore.

Call me Al

Maybe you should focus on fixing any stress they have, caused by their dads apathy (which is evidently going to be there irrespective of what you do), rather than trying to fix the relationship itself.

P. Breathnach

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I really don't mean to be dismissive but listen to your youngest sons advice; wise young man.

Their dad is not going to change after all these years.

I strongly agree, and I want to add the observation that you have tried very hard to enable a relationship between your sons and their father. That's all you can do: enable - you can't create or force it.

It's a pity things didn't work out better, but that is down to him, not to you or your sons.

LegacyUser

Your boys are both old enough to understand whats going on and make their own choices regarding their relationship with their father. You should just leave it alone, they can make the effort to have a relationship with their dad themselves or with their half-siblings. It doesn't sound like his wife has any issue with the boys so they can still have a relationship with the other kids even if it's long distance. When all of them are adults they may end up having closer relationships, but it's for each of them to sort not you. Let your boys go off and enjoy college and being adults, you've done your job.

LegacyUser

Often there is a disconnect with non cohabitational parents... either through the natural consequences of not having proximity in a daily way...or some kind of cold depression descends upon them when the penny drops..."Im never going to live with my children." That is a shocking thing to try to digest. Meditate on it, wear those shoes.

I don't agree with your son, and he is obviously defending himself. If he is naturally indifferent or accepting, that is one thing, but apathy does not fight apathy, it just leads to stagnation.

In some ways I think you have been too nice and too accommodating and it's time to start being demanding. It is possibly your competency has illustrated his redundancy. You are doing too good a job so it become evident they don't "need their dad."

He may also be subconconciously punishing you for throwing him out and making him a weekend dad.

If you want change, apathy is not the way to go. I' say maybe a letter or speak to his wife if he has become unreachable.

thefeatheredcat

WorriedMumof2 wrote: »

should I ring and try to talk to my ex and ask him what the hell is going on and point out that he has almost lost his sons and I won't encourage or pay for them to visit him any more? Or should I write to him? Or should I talk to his parents?

I am just lost as to what to do as I feel that I am neglecting my sons if I don't try and get their dad to play a part in their lives.

I think you should leave things be and let your sons decide if they want a relationship with their father or not.

A couple of years ago my nephew (who is nearing 14) came out of the blue and said he didn't want anything to do with his absent father anymore. I nearly fell over from the shock of it. I can't think of a time I've ever spoken with my nephew about his father - although I barely knew him and knew more about him second hand - and he certainly never came to me about advice or feelings about him so it was quite a declaration for his age about his father who had never really been around since he was born and made empty attempts for years to connect with him complete with nothing for birthdays or xmas not a card even. But he has never brought the topic up since.

Being honest, I was very relieved for my nephew and secretly proud he'd seen the light and I've accepted and respected his decision. Far better in my opinion for him to see his father as nothing in his life with nothing to offer him than to go around with false hope and disappointment or having his father on a pedestal when he wouldn't deserve it.

I don't think you'd be neglecting your sons in any way, I think you would be liberating them in letting them make their own decision about their father and let them decide if in the future they want to connect, or support their decisions about him in the future.

Your ex has had many opportunities down through the years to have a relationship with your sons, he has indicated with indifference that he has no interest. I doubt he would lose sleep over his sons not wanting a relationship with him, or not caring about him in general. Maybe somewhere in the future he might have regrets, but that is not something you can prevent him having and that is something that he may have to deal with. Your sons shouldn't feel bad with regret or guilt even later on in life, they tried and did their best.