How to handle old fashioned friend

SockJudgement

Hi everyone,

I am 29 and one of my close friends is in her mid 40's, bit of an age difference but it works, we love to chat about music and clothes etc and have loads in common.
We used to work next door to each other so was great to be able to hang out on lunch. However my job had run its course and 2 years down the line I was still temporary and prospects weren't looking great. I decided to move to Australia with my fiancé (who was unemployed) on a working visa for work and the experience. She made no secret that she thought this was a Ludacris idea that I shouldn't be off gallivanting and should be settling down and having kids or getting married (neither of which I want to do)

She is married 20 years and her husband has had many affairs, of which I was there and listened and though I disagreed that going back to him after not one but three affairs was crazy but it was her choice and I respect that and I accept it and I never bring it up and I don't speak ill of him.

Fast forward to now and we have decided to go to New Zealand for a year but she is not being supportive and text me back and said "Oh just come home" when I told her.

I told her that I have been very supportive of her choices over the years and I expect the same in return but she just thinks what we are doing is wrong.

I don't want to lose the friendship as I honestly love the chats and laughs we have but I feel so angry over this attitude

Any advise on how to handle this, I have not talked to her in a week and the last text I sent her simple said "i wish you would try accept the choices I make, im heading to bed, goodnight"

AlabamaWorley

She doesn't seem old fashioned to me, she seems lonely.

I doubt her husbands affairs are helping how she is feeling.

SockJudgement

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

She doesn't seem old fashioned to me, she seems lonely.

I doubt her husbands affairs are helping how she is feeling.

but when I was at home we would chat often on the phone but she rarely wanted to hang out as she has 5 kids and would be ran off her feet but yes loneliness could be part of it

Tokyo

Has she given an explanation as to why she thinks what you are doing is wrong, or is it just 'because'?

I think that part of the problem is that you are expecting validation from her. You are making choices that are good for you and your fiance, so it shouldn't really matter what she (or others) think. As hard as it might be, if you want to maintain a friendship with this person, the best approach is probably to stop engaging her in aspects of your life that are causing strife between you two. For whatever reasons, she is set in her ways and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. All you can really do with that is do what is best for you, and ignore her thoughts on it....

SockJudgement

mike_ie wrote: »

Has she given an explanation as to why she thinks what you are doing is wrong, or is it just 'because'?

I think that part of the problem is that you are expecting validation from her. You are making choices that are good for you and your fiance, so it shouldn't really matter what she (or others) think. As hard as it might be, if you want to maintain a friendship with this person, the best approach is probably to stop engaging her in aspects of your life that are causing strife between you two. For whatever reasons, she is set in her ways and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. All you can really do with that is do what is best for you, and ignore her thoughts on it....

Just said its dangerous and being with family and having kids is what matters. To be honest I don't even think she knows where New Zealand is lol. But yes you make a good point...her opinion doesn't really matter

Stavro Mueller

I'm with Alabama on this one. I think your friend's lonely and isn't dealing with your leaving very well. I've a feeling that in her mind, you getting married and settling down would've meant that you'd be living locally. "Gallivanting" means uncertainty. I bet she's afraid you'll love it so much in Australia/New Zealand that you'll never come home.

Don't assume that because she has the hubby and 5 kids at home, that she's not lonely. In her shoes I could see it being a very lonely experience. Her relationship with her husband can't be that good despite her choosing to stay with him. Her relationship with the 5 kids won't be the same as the friendship she had with you. I think you should reach out to her and assure her that even though you'll be on the other side of the world, that you'll stay in touch.

SockJudgement

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I'm with Alabama on this one. I think your friend's lonely and isn't dealing with your leaving very well. I've a feeling that in her mind, you getting married and settling down would've meant that you'd be living locally. "Gallivanting" means uncertainty. I bet she's afraid you'll love it so much in Australia/New Zealand that you'll never come home.

Don't assume that because she has the hubby and 5 kids at home, that she's not lonely. In her shoes I could see it being a very lonely experience. Her relationship with her husband can't be that good despite her choosing to stay with him. Her relationship with the 5 kids won't be the same as the friendship she had with you. I think you should reach out to her and assure her that even though you'll be on the other side of the world, that you'll stay in touch.

Im gone a year now and have been in contact several times a week! I cant shake the feeling of her looking down on my life because I don't want what she wanted. I know she told me before that she disapproved of me going on holidays with my friends when my boyfriend was sat at home. But I see what you are all saying about loneliness.

ABajaninCork

Cut your mate a little slack. I'm with the others - clearly she's lonely, perhaps living a life of regret with a large family and unfaithful husband, and perhaps feels a little jealous of the freedom you enjoy.

Don't be too hard on her. But you need neither her permission nor her blessing. Live your life and let her live hers.

Aimeee

Fair play to you for staying in touch.
Did she ever travel herself ie live abroad not just a few weeks holiday a year.
I'm in her age bracket myself so many of my friends are same age and I can promise you that many would have same attitude as her. I have family constantly traveling/moving to various countries and it's often said to me isn't it a pity he/she won't settle down. (They are "settled" as in they are in relationships). Meanwhile I'm thinking how lucky they are just to be able to pick a country and go there. Myself and hub would be living that life if we didn't have kids in school and all that entails.
I don't think she looks down on your life I think she just doesn't understand it.
I went on a trip myself recently without kids and husband and suffice to say there was plenty judgement of my irresponsible behaviour. I was putting it down to the "40something settled but not quite"itch. Made me see some people in a new light that's for sure. I just think they don't get it really.

CollyFlower

She should be happy for you, but as others have said she does seem lonely. Has she other friends?

Big Bag of Chips

You don't have to be alone to be lonely. She is surrounded by people but that doesn't mean she isn't feeling isolated. Has she other friends? I think she depends on you heavily and doesn't like the fact that you can just take off without a thought for her. Of course you shouldn't have to have a thought for her. You are perfectly entitled to live your own life. But she thinks she's entitled to have a say in it!

She can have an opinion of course. You just don't have to take it. Next time she says something to you you should say "I'm happy, and I wish you could be happy for me". I don't think its an age gap thing, or because she's in her 40s. My friend reacted the same when I told her I was moving 2 hours away when we were 21! To be honest, it really put a dampener on my good news, and it did change my opinion of her a little.

You cannot live your life to keep someone else happy. From now on I'd cut her off as soon as she starts talking about it, and talk about something else.

LegacyUser

While I feel for her in what appears to be quite a sad, lonely situation, this person is not a friend. A friend, a true friend, might miss you, might really want you to come back, but they'd never say anything to undermine you and ultimately they'd support you. Expecting someone to live their life according to you choices is not being a friend to them. Even expressing her oppposition to you getting on with life is a destructive, hurtful act, not an act of friendship.

Really, this thread should have been posted by her, asking how she can be a better friend and stop making you feel guilty, torn and unsupported by someone who was once close to them.

SockJudgement

Thanks everyone for the responses. I would consider her a good friend however I think I have only seen her once outside her work uniform so our whole friendship was very much a phone one as she never had time to do other things, or the interest really!

Anyway I gave her a call last night, I asked her was she feeling lonely, she said not at all. She said the same as I said that we only ever seen each other in work anyway and she said she just thinks its a crazy notion to want to travel and see the world and leave the family at home (parents etc as we have no kids), she said she knows she is old fashioned but that she thinks I should be settling down....I have no interest in settling down but I don't think she believes me! We got passed the conversation anyway and start talking about other things and I was telling her how my fiancé is not happy in his job right now and going to look for another job and she said again we should just move home where we can be happy. She's really not getting it at all I dunno what more I can say

SockJudgement

Aimeee wrote: »

Fair play to you for staying in touch.
Did she ever travel herself ie live abroad not just a few weeks holiday a year.
.

No she has never been outside Ireland or on a holiday

Big Bag of Chips

Turn it back on her. Tell her you think she's mad for not wanting to travel and for settling down at home without ever seeing the world. Everytime she says something negative about you travelling, you counter it with something negative about her NOT travelling. She'll either get the hint, or she won't!

SockJudgement

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Turn it back on her. Tell her you think she's mad for not wanting to travel and for settling down at home without ever seeing the world. Everytime she says something negative about you travelling, you counter it with something negative about her NOT travelling. She'll either get the hint, or she won't!

Face to face I would do this but im afraid of us falling out completely! But I will give it ago and see how it goes down.
Whats funny is my mother is quite a few years older than her and has never had this attitude.

I actually just remembered about a year ago her daughter wanted to go to London and she took her passport application and hid it and the daughter thought her passport wasn't back in time and never got to go! This issue could actually be more than just me, maybe she has some kinda fear of the unknown

SockJudgement

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Turn it back on her. Tell her you think she's mad for not wanting to travel and for settling down at home without ever seeing the world. Everytime she says something negative about you travelling, you counter it with something negative about her NOT travelling. She'll either get the hint, or she won't!

Face to face I would do this but im afraid of us falling out completely! But I will give it ago and see how it goes down.
Whats funny is my mother is quite a few years older than her and has never had this attitude.

I actually just remembered about a year ago her daughter wanted to go to London and she took her passport application and hid it and the daughter (18 at the time) thought her passport wasn't back in time and never got to go! This issue could actually be more than just me, maybe she has some kinda fear of the unknown

ABajaninCork

SockJudgement wrote: »

Face to face I would do this but im afraid of us falling out completely! But I will give it ago and see how it goes down.
Whats funny is my mother is quite a few years older than her and has never had this attitude.

I actually just remembered about a year ago her daughter wanted to go to London and she took her passport application and hid it and the daughter (18 at the time) thought her passport wasn't back in time and never got to go! This issue could actually be more than just me, maybe she has some kinda fear of the unknown

That suggests some kind of problem. Your mate has clearly got a problem with people 'leaving' her for any reason, and maybe feels abandoned or rejected when people go away. The daughter can go to the UK without a passport if she has a driving licence or student ID (That's with Aer Lingus though), so something else is going on.

However - that is not your issue. If the daughter needs to address that with her mother, she can. I'd just either change the subject every time she brings it up or turn it back on her.

SockJudgement

ABajaninCork wrote: »

That suggests some kind of problem. Your mate has clearly got a problem with people 'leaving' her for any reason, and maybe feels abandoned or rejected when people go away. The daughter can go to the UK without a passport if she has a driving licence or student ID (That's with Aer Lingus though), so something else is going on.

However - that is not your issue. If the daughter needs to address that with her mother, she can. I'd just either change the subject every time she brings it up or turn it back on her.

Just something that I thought of. Yes I think you are right that she has maybe a fear of people leaving, I do wonder if maybe deep down going places scares her, im not sure what it is, but ive no doubt she would never admit this lol

strobe

I'd just avoid getting into the topic tbh. When she starts her "ah you're mad, you should be back at home and settling down" just come back straight away with a "a yeah, but sure you know we don't agree on this, anyway how's the kids, did Mary get that job?" or whatever. Just don't engage in it and move the conversation on.

Aimeee

Agree with the suggestion of not discussing the issue in any way if/when it arises. Have another subject on standby.
Seriously she took the daughters passport application and told you about it? Wow! Good luck to her five children when they try to leave the nest. Controlling, lonely whatever her reasons that's mad altogether.

As a matter of interest (I'm curious for my own situation, something I've been thinking about for a while, I've a few what I would call old fashioned/settled/close minded/judgemental - (take your pick) friends).. Do you find it hard to maintain the friendship? What do you get out of it? Just pondering this myself.. Don't have to answer if you don't want to.

SockJudgement

Aimeee wrote: »

Agree with the suggestion of not discussing the issue in any way if/when it arises. Have another subject on standby.
Seriously she took the daughters passport application and told you about it? Wow! Good luck to her five children when they try to leave the nest. Controlling, lonely whatever her reasons that's mad altogether.

As a matter of interest (I'm curious for my own situation, something I've been thinking about for a while, I've a few what I would call old fashioned/settled/close minded/judgemental - (take your pick) friends).. Do you find it hard to maintain the friendship? What do you get out of it? Just pondering this myself.. Don't have to answer if you don't want to.

I guess I find her interesting in the sense we are so different! We never do lunch, never used to meet up outside work or anything, our friendship was purely phone calls, chats on lunch and texts, so it was not very hard to maintain.
I love when we have a debate on a topic, like for example she used to be very against same sex couples until we met and she heard my point of view on the topic.
I love a mature conversation and I like that when my friends my age are having petty fights there is non of that with her.
At my age, late 20's, girl friends can be a lot of drama but with her she was older and there was non of that. No begrudgery or pettiness, other than her been some what old fashioned we never had any issues, that's why I didn't wanna lose her friendship

Aimeee

OK I get that completely and you've just highlighted something of my own situation so thank you for that.
Best of luck with the friendship. Maybe you'll be the one that will enable her to see that living far away isn't a bad thing, will be good for her own gang when they start their travels.

SockJudgement

Aimeee wrote: »

OK I get that completely and you've just highlighted something of my own situation so thank you for that.
Best of luck with the friendship. Maybe you'll be the one that will enable her to see that living far away isn't a bad thing, will be good for her own gang when they start their travels.

And you know what im a bit of an old lady anyway im not a big drinker so having friends a bit older who don't nag you to go to the pub is nice lol

Thanks everyone for the tips

SockJudgement

Hey again guys,

Decided to fly home for three weeks for Christmas, got a good deal and figured I'd surprise the family. However i told this friend and she said she is busy working for the next three weeks so wont be able to meet me, should I just let it go and get on with my trip home or call to her house and see whats up??

Tokyo

SockJudgement wrote: »

Hey again guys,

Decided to fly home for three weeks for Christmas, got a good deal and figured I'd surprise the family. However i told this friend and she said she is busy working for the next three weeks so wont be able to meet me, should I just let it go and get on with my trip home or call to her house and see whats up??

Personally I would let it go. The way I see it is that you have gone above and beyond when it comes to preserving the friendship. She's not going to be working 24/7 for the next three weeks, so why try to force a friendship where she's not willing to take a few hours out to meet up with you for a coffee after you've come halfway round the world to see family and friends?

SockJudgement

mike_ie wrote: »

Personally I would let it go. The way I see it is that you have gone above and beyond when it comes to preserving the friendship. She's not going to be working 24/7 for the next three weeks, so why try to force a friendship where she's not willing to take a few hours out to meet up with you for a coffee after you've come halfway round the world to see family and friends?

Yes you are very right. People are unbelievable

miamee

I'd leave her at it and get on with making plans to see the people who want to see you. If you happen to have spare time or be near her home, give her a quick call if you really want to but I wouldn't go too far out of my way to see her. A real friend would be delighted to hear that you were going to be nearby even for a short while and to see you and hear about your new life and your travels. They'd be making time to see you. Who can't find even an hour for a coffee over a period of 3 weeks to see a friend visiting from literally the other side of the world?! Bizarre behaviour on her part.

Big Bag of Chips

Just as a matter of interest, are you always the one doing the contacting? Do you ring her more than she rings you? No offense, and this is more a reflection of her than you, but I get the impression she finds you tedious!

If my friend was flying home for 3 weeks unexpectedly, I'd drop everything for a chance to meet up! My cousin came home from Australia a while back and I drove 2 hours to see her for an hour, and 2 hours home again.

I'd let this friendship slide, to be honest. It sounds like you are more invested than she is.

SockJudgement

miamee wrote: »

I'd leave her at it and get on with making plans to see the people who want to see you. If you happen to have spare time or be near her home, give her a quick call if you really want to but I wouldn't go too far out of my way to see her. A real friend would be delighted to hear that you were going to be nearby even for a short while and to see you and hear about your new life and your travels. They'd be making time to see you. Who can't find even an hour for a coffee over a period of 3 weeks to see a friend visiting from literally the other side of the world?! Bizarre behaviour on her part.

You are totally right, I have asked her to join me on a night out and to go shopping and both have been declined, I will suggest a coffee and then I am leaving it

SockJudgement

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just as a matter of interest, are you always the one doing the contacting? Do you ring her more than she rings you? No offense, and this is more a reflection of her than you, but I get the impression she finds you tedious!

.

Honestly we contact about the same amount, both text each other maybe once a week.

Don't want to get the whole "you've forgotten about me" by not being in touch. I try txt every weekend see how shes doing

ABajaninCork

I wouldn't even bother to do that. Enjoy your Christmas at home, and leave her to it. I'm sure there are plenty of people you'd like to catch up with and who would love to see you. This is more hassle than it's worth.

Big Bag of Chips

I wonder is she just keeping in touch out of habit/duty?? A quick text is easy to send. Making time for each other is where a friendship really lies... You mentioned you never really saw her outside of work.

You get out of a friendship what you put in. She's not contributing a whole lot, so I don't see why you should chase her.

Big Bag of Chips

..... Any chance she came across the thread and is a bit miffed?!

LegacyUser

Sounds to me like she's plain jealous of you and resentful that you're off having a great time while she's stuck at home in a miserable marriage. What really stuck out to me is telling you not to go 'gallivanting' in New Zealand...what kind of friend says something like that? And hiding her daughter's passport application so she couldn't go and have fun in London is beyond belief.

I had a similar 'friend' back when I was at college and only 20. I wanted to go on Erasmus and my best friend at the time begged me not to go and not to leave her, basically laid on a massive guilt trip. Of course, I went and when I came back she was really funny with me and we were never really friends after that. 100% her problem. I put loads of effort in to stay in touch and meet up when I was back and like your friend, she usually gave me the cold shoulder. She was too cowardly to go and live in another country out of her comfort zone and she resented me for doing it.

Don't waste a second longer on this mean, resentful, petty, spiteful woman. Seriously.

SockJudgement

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

..... Any chance she came across the thread and is a bit miffed?!

Lol no she has never used the internet

SockJudgement

Thanks again guys, you've really helped me see that's its barely a friendship we have, its just basically texting and calling. No physical presence from her at all

LegacyUser

SockJudgement wrote: »

Thanks again guys, you've really helped me see that's its barely a friendship we have, its just basically texting and calling. No physical presence from her at all

I don't think you should waste your time with her anymore, forget about her and the texts. If she was a real friend she would meet up with you and you seem to be putting a lot more into this friendship than her. From what you have described she's incredibly negative towards your lifestyle, I wouldn't even bother texting her back when you are here.
Enjoy your holiday with your real friends, family and the people that really care about you.

Aimeee

As the song goes; let it go! (Her kids will know it I'm sure).
If you happen to bump into her over the festive season have a conversation plan ready. It could get really awkward and don't let it spoil any night out or whatever.
Some friendships just fizzle out, sometimes it's sad sometimes it's a relief.
Enjoy your holidays.

SockJudgement

Aimeee wrote: »

As the song goes; let it go! (Her kids will know it I'm sure).
If you happen to bump into her over the festive season have a conversation plan ready. It could get really awkward and don't let it spoil any night out or whatever.
Some friendships just fizzle out, sometimes it's sad sometimes it's a relief.
Enjoy your holidays.

Sadly I know the song myself LOL

You are absolutely right, balls in her court now, if she texts and wants to grab a coffee then great if not im not chasing her. I know ill get a txt to maybe call into her in work or something but im gonna suggest meeting her after work and see will she bother....if she even texts that is