How soon before i introduce kids to new partner?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a dad of 2 young children. Eldest is 6. Sadly my relationship with their mother ended about 7 months ago. I spend a lot of time with the kids and i can see they are struggling to come to terms with the fact that mam and dad will never live together again. They are still obviously very confused by it all. Because of this i want to protect them from any unnecessary change or disruption in their lives until they have had a chance to get their heads around the separation. So 3 months ago i meet this wonderful girl and we start seeing each other.I genuinely wasnt looking to meet anyone but shes really lovely and we just started to fall for each other. Now, she wants to meet the kids but i dont want them to meet her yet. Ive been straight with her and said I think its too soon for them. Shes upset by this and thinks she will never meet them. From what she has said recently I think i may lose her over this because I wont see her whenever i have the kids... and i have them a lot. I thought about introducing her as a friend for now and allow them to get to know her gradually and see how it goes but it may not be enough for her. I'm prepared to be single if it means not messing up my kids.. but am i being unfair to this girl? Am i wasting her time & messing her about because right now my kids need stability and they need their dad? How long should i wait before introducing them to a new partner? Please help?... Distraught Dad

Chara1001

Op, you and their mother broke up only 7 months ago- your kids are probably still reeling!
Processing this will take a while for them, op seriously if you though it was a good idea to introduce them to your new girlfriend, you wouldn't be asking advice on it.
I'm a single mother and my son is 2.5 but his father and i separated as soon as he was born, so that's 2.5 years it's taken before i feel ready to even try to meet someone again. But that's me and that's no reflection on you- however i really think you should not introduce your new partner to your kids for the moment, to me it seems way too soon while they are still processing the upheaval in their family life.
Does your gf have kids? Her reaction seems overboard- go with your gut op, personally i don't like her reaction and i would be wary of it.

bearhugs

OP it seems like she is behaving in a very petulant childish way. In my opinion it's far too early to introduce a new partner, and you seem to feel the same. Go with your gut. Even introducing her as a friend wouldn't necessarily work. I think anyway. Kids can pick up on so much more than we give them credit for. It sounds to me that your new girlfriend is putting pressure on you and for no good reason. She comes across as very immature. She really should have your kids best interests at heart, as you so clearly do.

Ann84

Hi, sorry to hear about your relationship ending but glad things are working out...

I have been in your shoes and so was my ex. We had very different experiences but I'll explain both...
Me, met new partner 2 years after split, he never pressured me about anything, met my dd after 6 months... And was completely understanding of my child's needs and wants and has never ever made me feel like my dd would ever be a reason he'd finish with me, if anything the opposite, he's very fond of her now too!
My ex, met his gf 4 months after we split and introduced her (on her demand!) to our dd after 2 months... Going against our mediated agreement And falling out with me over it... Not a good start.
It got worse, despite being nice to our dd, she tried to dictate and interfere in our shared parenting arrangement on numerous occasions and caused so many rows that we couldn't all be in the same place. I think she was insecure but she put my ex in awful situations threatening to dump him if he didn't get into rows with me! She's gone now, and I won't miss her but she's done damage to our fragile shared parenting and our daughter lost out.
To sum up, your partner should never demand things of you that make you feel uncomfortable... After 3 months you barely know this woman and she is not respecting your boundaries... Or your kids. If you let her dictate this situation you could find yourself in a relationship like my ex, and it sucked for him because she just got worse and more insecure and demanding. On reflection, I don't think she could cope with our situation.
Try to find someone who is happy to be with you and get to know you... And respects your parenting!!
Your right, it is too soon...

CaraMay

Don't let a gf of 3 months (or any length of time) tell you how to run your family. She isn't that great if she is starting to demand and cause hassle already. It's way too soon to introduce someone and would only hurt and confused the kids more.

ladygirl

Couldnt agree more with the above posts - your priority here is to your children. 3 months is way too soon to introduce her to your children, They have not even managed to get their heads around their parents seperation yet. Kids need stability, they do not need people walking and in and out of their lives.

fima

It is not up to your new girlfriend to make decisions on when she can meet your children. It is your decision and yours alone. If she is threatening that you will lose her because you are doing the right thing by your kids then let her off. You are right not to introduce anyone to them until you can be fully sure they are ok about their parents separation. That could take years by the way.
My partner has 2 kids that live with us, I did not meet them until 6 months into our relationship and their parents had been separated for years, it was all they had ever known. I could not spend much time with him at the start as he was very busy between kids and work. I accepted this and encouraged him. His kids were his priority, as they should be. Your girlfriend should know this and stop being so selfish.

Shrap

Distraught Dad wrote: »

Now, she wants to meet the kids but i dont want them to meet her yet. Ive been straight with her and said I think its too soon for them. Shes upset by this and thinks she will never meet them. From what she has said recently I think i may lose her over this because I wont see her whenever i have the kids... and i have them a lot.

I'm sorry OP, but this is particularly immature of her, and unfortunately seems very thoughtless/selfish. Any time I (or any other separated parent I know) have got involved with other separated parents, making sure the kids are in the right head space before they meet the new OH has been uppermost in our minds, like it is in your own. One couple I know were only ever able to spend a night together once a month for the first year of their relationship, but that was reasonable to both of them because of their children's needs.

That's not to say that people with no children cannot automatically put the needs of children first. My OH has no children but was mature enough to be hugely concerned about the effect his appearance might have on my two boys and left the timing and duration of visits entirely up to me. Anyone who puts their own neediness before the needs of children is not right for your kids OP, I'm sorry to say. Which means that any good relationship you have in future will be with someone who is comfortable with the fact they are with a parent who's children come first, for all time.

Meauldsegosha

I didn't meet my boyfriends daughter until 7 months into our relationship. By that stage she knew me and her dad were dating and she asked to meet me. If she hadn't asked we wouldn't have suggested it until her dad was sure she was ready. In the early part of our relationship because of his responsibilities to his daughter we sometimes only met once a week. But that was fine because I understood she had to come first for him. How old is your girlfriend? She sounds a little immature. Dating someone with kids can be tough. If I was in my mid-late 20's I don't think I could do it.

OP you need to do what you feel is right for your children. Tell your girlfriend its too soon and if she is not willing to accept that then you are probably better off without her.

skallywag

Some very unfair comments towards the new woman here in my opinion.

Distraught Dad wrote: »

...and i have them a lot...

I would imagine that this is the core reason for her being upset, i.e. the fact that she can then spend so little time with you. Is she not entitled to be disappointed about this?

OP, from what you have said so far I see no reason why you cannot work through this. Perhaps try to let her see that you fully understand her disappointment, and also try to rationalise your side of the coin as well as you can to her. I'm willing to bet that this girl has no kids of her own, hence perhaps is not coming from a parenting mindset.

Dial Hard

skallywag wrote: »

Some very unfair comments towards the new woman here in my opinion.

I would imagine that this is the core reason for her being upset, i.e. the fact that she can then spend so little time with you. Is she not entitled to be disappointed about this?

Bully for her. That's the choice you make when you get into a relationship with a parent.

They are going out twelve weeks. So no, she's not entitled to feel disappointed about the fact that he spends as much time as he can with kids who I can guarantee you haven't even begun to process the fact that their parents have split up.

Tbh, I think she was mad to even consider getting involved with a man who was only four months out of this kind of relationship (i.e. cohabiting and with kids involved).

ash23

The fact that the children are still coming to terms with the separation of their family is more important than the length of time you introduce a new partner after.

I am a single parent, dating a single parent.

My first few relationships after the intial split only lasted between 2 and 6 months. My daughter never met any of these people.

4 years after the split I met someone and as my child was well adjusted and accepting of the separation, she met him after 6 months.
That didn't work out and she met my now partner after 5 months. Again, this was all based on how my child was, how she was doing in school and how happy she was at home. It was also based on how receptive she was to the idea of me being in a new relationship.

I still haven't met my partners child and I've been with him 14 months now. I will admit, I've put my foot down about it at this stage and I am pushing it. But only because it's been so long and he's been separated from his ex for 4 years. I'm not even pushing that I meet the child, more that they tell her he's met someone and at least gauge her reaction.

Anyway, your girlfriend is being totally unreasonable imo. After only 3 months, with the kids still being unsettled then it's way too soon for her to be meeting them.

Tasden

I think, regardless of the reasons behind it, the fact your new partner can't put her feelings aside for the sake of the kids (after you explained your reasoning to her I'm assuming?) speaks volumes about her ability to be in a relationship with a parent. She will always come second to the kids. And she can't call the shots about how you deal with them because that is up to you and their mam. Sure, as the two of you become more serious she can come into that fold and have more of a say in things but as it stands she is a new girlfriend and she is not accepting how you deal with your kids? And it seems its out of insecurity... It doesn't bode well for a future where she is going to have to compromise and accept that the kids come first and her relationship with you comes second.

skallywag

I don't think that she's looking at this from a parent's perspective at all, she is merely sensing the disappointment of not being able to spend time with someone she really likes. Many people fail to fully appreciate parenting issues before they become a parent themselves, and can completely struggle to get their heads around the dynamics of a breakup with children involved.

OP, I sincerely think that an open and frank discussion could pave the way for progress here, after which if she is still not willing to come around to your way of thinking then it may be time to think about the future with this lady. You clearly like her very much so I would encourage you to have that talk. For sure the children are the priority, but your own happiness is also important.

By the way I would pay no attention to comments that your girlfriend is in anyway mad for getting involved with you in the first place.

Jamaican Me Crazy

I would think your partner is being very demanding and inconsiderate of your childrens feelings here. It is also possible that she is a little jealous or insecure of your ex. You might know you will never get back together but your girlfriend may feel she has to put her stamp on the relationship so to speak.

My ex introduced our child to his new girlfriend 5 days after we split and then proceeded to introduce the child to 3 more girlfriends within a year. My ex does what he likes and he will certainly never do what I tell him but my point is that consistency is key for children. Once you are happy and settled in the relationship and know it is serious then think about making introductions but not one minute before you and your children are ready.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond, i really appreciate it. I dont have anyone to speak to about this so it has been a weight off my mind to read your replies. To answer some of the questions, no my girlfriend does not have kids of her own and she is a few years younger than me. I'm now more sure than ever that it would not be right to introduce her and even considering it would just be bowing to the pressure. In hindsight, yes it was too soon for me to be getting into a relationship. I dont blame her, honestly she not a bad person. I think she is just used to seeing more of a partner and doesnt understand how much of an impact it would have on my kids if introduced her, or even spent more time with her and less with them. I think i will try explaining it again once more and make it clear that i can only give so much right now.. if that isnt enough for her then it has no future..

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

It takes a lot of maturity to be with someone who has a child or children...there is a lot of compromise, a lot of threats (time, bonds, histories, etc) and a lot of tolerance for "inheriting a family," which is essentially what any new partner will do.

Whomever you settle with will be the 2nd most important women in their lives, so choose wisely. The consequences are often unforseen for everyone involved.

I'm guessing with such precarious status in your life, perhaps meeting the children somehow signifies to her that you mean business and that you want to integrate her into the family, and by NOT introducing her, she reads that as maybe you are not as secure about it as you may have thought....and she might be right.

Surely, if she is a partner, rather than a girlfriend, she has some kind of spousal quality to your relationship with her...would you not have introduced her already before solidifying bonds?

Or took it a bit slower

Witchie

Hi, firstly good man for being so considerate of your child's needs and being a loving father, your child is very lucky.

When I was in a similar situation years ago I introduced my son's to a guy I was going out with for 4 months. He said he loved me, he talked about marriage quite a lot so I thought it was a good secure relationship. My kids really took to him and loved to spend time at his house. A few months later he dumped me out of the blue (a week after asking me to marry him!) and my kids were devastated. My youngest kept asking to go to his house all the time and took it harder than his dad and I splitting up.

After that, if I was seeing someone they didn't know. Sometimes the guy would want to meet them but I refused to introduce them as my boyfriend. Lucky for me I had a lot of friends, male and female and my kids would meet them regularly so if a guy really wanted to meet my kids I would just introduce them as a friend to my kids.

Some friends got to hang out us more than others. I didn't meet anyone worth introducing to them as a boyfriend until they were in their teens and by then they didn't really care.

So my advice would be if she really wants to meet them, why not have a few friends around for a cuppa when you have the kids or go out for food with your children and some friends and let her meet them that way. They could get to know her and hopefully like her plus it will give you a chance to see how she engages with your child and that might also give you an indicator as to if she is going to be part of your life in the long run.

skallywag

Distraught Dad wrote: »

...I think she is just used to seeing more of a partner and doesnt understand how much of an impact it would have on my kids if introduced her, or even spent more time with her and less with them...

I think you are bang on here OP, which also ties in with her being younger and having no kids of her own. Some of the criticism of your girlfriend on this thread is completely unwarranted at this current point in time. If you have that chat and she is still then of the same opinion, then yeah, fair enough. But she certainly deserves a chance to take in what you say and to then hopefully see things better from your own perspective.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.