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Foreign wedding attendance issue

  • 01-12-2014 7:13pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680
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    I'm getting married in March 2015'..GREAT! Im getting married in the Phillipines (not ideal location) to a girl I've made a long distance relationship work with for the past 3 years. Ive been to the phillipines several times and spent quite abit of time there and know most of the ins and outs.
    There is one obvious problem getting married abroad so far away and thats my side of the families attendance. Its looking really crappy since my friends are all unemployed therefore they can't go which is not ideal. My own family don't even know if they can afford to go. This is extra embarrassing since my fiancé has almost 200 on her side going. The families there are very big. I'm embarrassed having a wedding with possibly no one going :-(.. I'm really stressed about it and its not how I imagined my wedding day would be. Her side are no doubt gonna be wondering about it.

    What are peoples advice on this? Will I end up looking silly should I fear the worst comes true?


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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,776 fits
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    Wouldnt you be in a similar position if the wedding was in Ireland? Its tough but its a long way to travel too. Where will you live?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 January
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    Surely all that matters is that you are married?

    If anybody asks, nobody could afford to travel, and with 3 months to go your family might want to get their skates on and look at flights and hotels if they want to even try make it because it will only get more expensive as it draws closer.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    fits wrote: »
    Wouldnt you be in a similar position if the wedding was in Ireland? Its tough but its a long way to travel too. Where will you live?

    Her family and friends wouldn't be coming here at all. Incomes are very low in Philippines so they cannot afford it for the life of them. The situation would be exactly the same yes.
    My fiance is insisting someone has to attend to represent me and I totaly get it but I'm totaly having issues getting anyone to commit to booking a flight due to their own financial circumstances.. My family are irritated with me about this but what does one do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Stheno
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    mondeo wrote: »
    Her family and friends wouldn't be coming here at all. Incomes are very low in Philippines so they cannot afford it for the life of them. The situation would be exactly the same yes.
    My fiance is insisting someone has to attend to represent me and I totaly get it but I'm totaly having issues getting anyone to commit to booking a flight due to their own financial circumstances.. My family are irritated with me about this but what does one do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Could you pay for your parents to go?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    January wrote: »
    Surely all that matters is that you are married?

    If anybody asks, nobody could afford to travel, and with 3 months to go your family might want to get their skates on and look at flights and hotels if they want to even try make it because it will only get more expensive as it draws closer.

    They seem to have the opinion that westerners currency goes a lot further in the Philippines and it does but we still had to pay big money before we land on their soil to get great value from our currency.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,776 fits
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    mondeo wrote: »
    Her family and friends wouldn't be coming here at all. Incomes are very low in Philippines so they cannot afford it for the life of them. The situation would be exactly the same yes.
    My fiance is insisting someone has to attend to represent me and I totaly get it but I'm totaly having issues getting anyone to commit to booking a flight due to their own financial circumstances.. My family are irritated with me about this but what does one do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Could you help some family members with the flights?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ash23
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    Why not do the wedding there for her family and a blessing/party in Ireland for your family?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    Stheno wrote: »
    Could you pay for your parents to go?

    No unfortunately.. unless we got married in a registry office but that's not somthing my fiancé is willing to do and not what I would wanna do either. I got a credit union loan to cover the costs of the wedding. Coming to circa 4.5k excluding my flights which is costing me €750.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    ash23 wrote: »
    Why not do the wedding there for her family and a blessing/party in Ireland for your family?

    That sounds nice in theory but doesn't really solve the issue of me being a one man v 200 Wedding day. Its really the wedding day itself thats upsetting me.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 eviltwin
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    What can you do? It's a long way to travel so short of asking her to cut her list you just have to try and enjoy it. People will understand.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    eviltwin wrote: »
    What can you do? It's a long way to travel so short of asking her to cut her list you just have to try and enjoy it. People will understand.

    It really does seem like there is nothing I can do...jaysus.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 775 Musefan
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    Why not borrow a projector, set up a Skype call and ask your family and friends to gather in ireland for a few mins on the day of the wedding. They can send their best wishes to you and your fiancé and you will be able to demonstrate your families support.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    Musefan wrote: »
    Why not borrow a projector, set up a Skype call and ask your family and friends to gather in ireland for a few mins on the day of the wedding. They can send their best wishes to you and your fiancé and you will be able to demonstrate your families support.

    Thats what my fiance suggested at one point. But she still thinks at least one should attend so I'm not on my own.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,906 clint_silver
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    Musefan wrote: »
    Why not borrow a projector, set up a Skype call and ask your family and friends to gather in ireland for a few mins on the day of the wedding. They can send their best wishes to you and your fiancé and you will be able to demonstrate your families support.

    guy in work done this, he was from canada, girl was holland, no family in ireland but they got married in ireland, few attended from both sides but they had parties in each country where the wedding was skyped to for non-attendees. gave everyone in work the vid link as well and we jumped on during parts of the day. both spent a good bit of time to individuals chatting on the channel. Its doable.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,658 Milly33
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    Not being mean now but it kinda sounds like she is getting everything her own way.. Like that why not get married in the registry office if it saves and by doing so your family could be there.. is that not a reasonable thing to do..It is a bit mean of her to be calling all the shots and telling you what to do but not given you many options


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,658 Milly33
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    sorry just after seeing that you don't fancy it either..To be honest then that is an option for ye but ye are saying no so then your stuck..You either want them there or you don't.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 January
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    Are you paying for the whole wedding?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,554 bjork
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    mondeo wrote: »
    I'm getting married in March 2015'..GREAT! Im getting married in the Phillipines (not ideal location) to a girl I've made a long distance relationship work with for the past 3 years. Ive been to the phillipines several times and spent quite abit of time there and know most of the ins and outs.
    There is one obvious problem getting married abroad so far away and thats my side of the families attendance. Its looking really crappy since my friends are all unemployed therefore they can't go which is not ideal. My own family don't even know if they can afford to go. This is extra embarrassing since my fiancé has almost 200 on her side going. The families there are very big. I'm embarrassed having a wedding with possibly no one going :-(.. I'm really stressed about it and its not how I imagined my wedding day would be. Her side are no doubt gonna be wondering about it.

    What are peoples advice on this? Will I end up looking silly should I fear the worst comes true?

    Could she not cut her numbers down to 150 and use the money to pay towards your parents going?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,200 Arbiter of Good Taste
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    bjork wrote: »
    Could she not cut her numbers down to 150 and use the money to pay towards your parents going?

    This is the best piece of advice. If she is adamant that someone from your side attend, then she needs to compromise in some way. To be honest, that journey is insane and it's a big ask to put pressure on people to do it.

    A big wedding in the Phillipines followed by an Irish party seems to be the way to go.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 59 Armistice
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    I got married abroad in my wife's country. Only my mother in law to be was there. Me and the Wife had a beautiful day and are still happily married years later. Cost us very little bar flights to and from.

    True Love and knowing your doing the right thing for both of you. That should be all that matters. If it costs 15 euro who cares. It's about the life together not the day of marriage.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    January wrote: »
    Are you paying for the whole wedding?

    Yep Im paying for everything. Her families contribution is organising it, the church, reception etc.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 830 cactusgal
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    mondeo wrote: »
    Yep Im paying for everything. Her families contribution is organising it, the church, reception etc.

    Seems very unfair that you're paying for the whole thing (with a loan), yet you won't have any of your own guests there bc you and they can't afford it. She'll need to cut her numbers so that some of YOUR money can be used to bring over YOUR nearest and dearest.

    Good luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    bjork wrote: »
    Could she not cut her numbers down to 150 and use the money to pay towards your parents going?

    I've questioned her on that already. Her parents are inviting every Billy and Jack they know. 200 sounds a frigging lot to be honest.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    cactusgal wrote: »
    Seems very unfair that you're paying for the whole thing (with a loan), yet you won't have any of your own guests there bc you and they can't afford it. She'll need to cut her numbers so that some of YOUR money can be used to bring over YOUR nearest and dearest.

    Good luck.

    Totaly agree


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,690 Stheno
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    Are you going to be living in the Phillipines after the wedding?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ElleEm
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    Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. It seems like you are getting off to a very uneven start. You seem unhappy about the arrangements, so why are you going along with them? It is your loan to pay back, so you should be choosing how to spend it. The other alternative would be for you both to go away together and get married, which would probably save you from going into so much debt.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,670 Doc
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    I personally would not get married without my parents being there. As far as I would be concerned making sure your and her immediate family can be there takes president over anyone and everything else. If insuring that your parents can make it means having to cut back on some other guests or something from the reception then that should be done in my opinion. It obviously means a lot to you and the last thing you would want is to have any regrets over it or bitterness at the very start of your wedding. Its not just the brides day.

    My brother married a Taiwanese girl and we have a very large family but only my parents myself and our other brother could go from his side so he is having a blessing in Ireland too.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Faith
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    Sounds to me like you've rushed into this without stopping to think it through. You need to take a deep breath and have some serious conversations.
    • Why are you paying for everything, when it's all on her and her family's terms?
    • Where are you going to live once you're married?
    • Why can't you get married in Ireland, or where you want to?
    • Why are you paying for 200 guests you don't even know, when you can't afford to pay for your own parents?
    • What will the financial arrangements be when you're married? Will she work or will you have to support her entirely?
    • Does she expect you to financially support her family?

    This all sounds bizarre to me. How long have you been together? How long have you lived together for? Have you ever even lived in the same country before?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 January
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    I really think you're being blindsided here OP.

    I'm not being bad, but does this girl even live with you? What are to be your living arrangements after you are married? Will she work? Will you support her 100%?

    You're paying for 200 of her family and friends to attend your wedding yet you won't have 1 person behind you and she's ok with that?

    Is this to get her a visa to live in Ireland? I think you're rushing into something that you may need to think about again.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    January wrote: »
    I really think you're being blindsided here OP.

    I'm not being bad, but does this girl even live with you? What are to be your living arrangements after you are married? Will she work? Will you support her 100%?

    You're paying for 200 of her family and friends to attend your wedding yet you won't have 1 person behind you and she's ok with that?

    Is this to get her a visa to live in Ireland? I think you're rushing into something that you may need to think about again.

    I've traveled back and forth for the past 3 years or so. I have stayed with her for a number of weeks at a time. I wouldn't say lived with her. It is a long distance relationship and it takes an open mind to achieve that.
    I will support her until she is ready to do her part and then we can combine expenses like every other couple. She will obviously be coming to Ireland since I wouldn't live in the Philippines for reasons it's not easy for foreigners to get a job there and generally speaking its a third world country I suppose you could say therefore you won't have great opportunity for an average person like me.

    She is not ok wit the idea of no one from my side going. She is the one pushing me to check numbers so she can prepare any special requirments to accommodate them.

    Its a normal relationship and definitely not to get her a visa. If I for a second had any suspicions about that I wouldn't be posting here.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,200 Arbiter of Good Taste
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    mondeo wrote: »
    I've traveled back and forth for the past 3 years or so. I have stayed with her for a number of weeks at a time. I wouldn't say lived with her. It is a long distance relationship and it takes an open mind to achieve that.
    I will support her until she is ready to do her part and then we can combine expenses like every other couple.

    She is not ok wit the idea of no one from my side going. She is the one pushing me to check numbers so she can prepare any special requirments to accommodate them.

    Its a normal relationship and definitely not to get her a visa. If I for a second had any suspicions about that I wouldn't be posting here.

    But from what you are telling us, there is only one way to check numbers, and that is for her to reduce her guest list.

    Look, it's your relationship and only you know the ins and outs, but purely from what you have posted, it comes across like her family (though not necessarily her) are taking you for a major ride. That's pretty shoddy behaviour and seems like a complete lack of respect for you. Do they view you as Mr Moneybags perhaps?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,113 shruikan2553
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    From what I understand you met her somehow and have been having a long distance relationship for the past few years. You have spent some time over there but not living there. You two are now going to get married, a marriage for which you are paying everything and then she is going to move over to Ireland.

    I might be wrong but it does seem a bit fishy to me.


    Still, in terms of the marriage she is going to have to cut numbers. If she refuses then I would be questioning why.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    But from what you are telling us, there is only one way to check numbers, and that is for her to reduce her guest list.

    Look, it's your relationship and only you know the ins and outs, but purely from what you have posted, it comes across like her family (though not necessarily her) are taking you for a major ride. That's pretty shoddy behaviour and seems like a complete lack of respect for you. Do they view you as Mr Moneybags perhaps?

    They do expect a somewhat nice wedding since she is the first of 4 daughters to be getting married. She knows I'm not rich that's for sure.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ElleEm
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    But you have been able to source the money to give her the wedding she wants, in spite of your feelings. Maybe they don't care where you get money, as long as you have it. Getting a loan was not a great idea. There seems to be a lot of differences in your values- it would probably be a good idea to live together for a while before committing to marriage


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,670 Doc
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    From what you have said its on you then. Find out the cost per person for a guest. Find out the cost of the flights and then subtract the amount of people needed to pay for the flights.

    Give the figures to your soon to be Mrs and let her and her parents invite the amount of people that you can afford to come not the amount they want to come.

    Maybe ask the people you want to go if you pay for half the ticket could they go? You could get double the people for the same amount of money...


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,200 Arbiter of Good Taste
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    mondeo wrote: »
    They do expect a somewhat nice wedding since she is the first of 4 daughters to be getting married. She knows I'm not rich that's for sure.

    But it's your wedding also.

    If she knows you're not rich, then why is she not even trying to compromise?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,776 fits
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    mondeo wrote: »
    They do expect a somewhat nice wedding since she is the first of 4 daughters to be getting married. She knows I'm not rich that's for sure.

    Look even if it was in Ireland, you'd have to set boundaries and limits. My oh's family would love to invite half the county... you just have to learn to say no.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    From what I understand you met her somehow and have been having a long distance relationship for the past few years. You have spent some time over there but not living there. You two are now going to get married, a marriage for which you are paying everything and then she is going to move over to Ireland.

    I might be wrong but it does seem a bit fishy to me.


    Still, in terms of the marriage she is going to have to cut numbers. If she refuses then I would be questioning why.

    Your taking it the wrong way there. I've known her for 3 years and she hasn't let me down yet. Its not unusual to marry someone in a foreign land. We both want the same thing, create a famly and what not. I have been there to the Philippines several times and have spent maybe 4 weeks with her each time. I dont get any bad feelings about her. Relationships / marriage in general is risky with anyone no matter where they are from. Its certainly a differant approach but I'm happy enough to go ahead with it.... You only live once.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,943 smcgiff
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    But it's your wedding also.

    If she knows you're not rich, then why is she not even trying to compromise?

    I'm guessung the difference between 150 and 200 people in the Philippines isn't going to be a huge cost saving. Family and religion are huge in the Philippines. It looks like he'll need to get one other person over there with him and have a party in Ireland when they come here.

    Is it possible to postpone and save up some more?

    Agree the Skype idea has potential.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 Sligo1
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    mondeo wrote: »
    She is not ok wit the idea of no one from my side going. She is the one pushing me to check numbers so she can prepare any special requirments to accommodate them.

    But yet she will not cut her numbers so you CAN have 1 or 2 people there (I.e. Your parents)? Surely if she cut 50 people that would nearly be the cost of at least one flight (for your mum or whoever).

    OP I actually feel really sorry for you. I hope someone can attend to support you. But if I were in your situation I would be telling her 150 max (or whatever budget you can afford) of her side so you can afford someONE person to be there to support you. And I would be telling not asking...


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    smcgiff wrote: »
    I'm guessung the difference between 150 and 200 people in the Philippines isn't going to be a huge cost saving. Family and religion are huge in the Philippines. It looks like he'll need to get one other person over there with him and have a party in Ireland when they come here.

    Is it possible to postpone and save up some more?

    Agree the Skype idea has potential.

    There is not a marginal difference between 150 - 200 people attending. Food is really cheap. Having 50 less people to feed won't cover the flight of say my mother for example.

    Yea deffo family values and religion is big in the Philippines and their culture is not like ours therefore what we see as alien to us is the norm for them. I do agree with possibly postponing it for a further two months to maybe better organise one or two key issues. No deposits were placed on venues or anything as yet. She is keen to start doing that though.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,943 smcgiff
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    mondeo wrote: »
    She is keen to start doing that though.

    She'll see the sense of it. If not put it on her. Say you've allocated x amount of your money to bring your parents and when ye both have enough ye'll proceed with the wedding.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,680 mondeo
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    smcgiff wrote: »
    She'll see the sense of it. If not put it on her. Say you've allocated x amount of your money to bring your parents and when ye both have enough ye'll proceed with the wedding.

    I'll think about that one thanks


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,661 Faith
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    mondeo wrote: »
    I have been there to the Philippines several times and have spent maybe 4 weeks with her each time.

    Just out of curiosity, in the 3 years you've been together, how much time have you spent in each other's company? I'm guessing 4 or 5 months in total?

    Have you ever lived with a partner before? It's a huge adjustment and can test even the strongest of relationships at the beginning. Could she not move to Ireland and the two of you live together for a while before getting married? Getting married is one of the biggest commitments that it's possible to make. I'd want to know that I wouldn't want to kill my partner after a few months of living with them, before I married them. Marry in haste, repent in leisure, as they say.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,301 Gatica
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    The long distance relationships can work, the issue here is that it all seems to be one sided, she gets everything, you get nothing.
    I would be very much of the opinion that one should not borrow for a wedding. If you can't afford one, just get married, since that's the important part. Make a wedding and honeymoon out of it, for whatever you can afford. Afterwards have a cheap party with every dick and harry the parents wanna invite in the Philippines and then the same in Ireland.
    If you cave into this now, her family will likely forever see you as a source of western money, you'll likely be expected to provide for her parents, even extended family, when it sounds like you can just about afford to pay for yourself. People in third world countries often have a misguided view of westerners having lots of money. Yes, we're not poor compared to third world country poor, but it still doesn't mean we pick money off the trees.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 Sligo1
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    smcgiff wrote: »
    She'll see the sense of it. If not put it on her. Say you've allocated x amount of your money to bring your parents and when ye both have enough ye'll proceed with the wedding.

    I agree. If you have x amount of money. Tell her Y amount is to bring your parents over and she can allocate the rest to the rest of the wedding plans.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,658 Milly33
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    It may seem very ahh I cant say that to a woman who I am going to marry but as most have said it should be all equal. Don't let her family be taking things over if they want to invite 200 guests then let them pay for it, if not then talk to them and say right we can afford this amount and my parents will be there.. To be short lay the law down, it is about ye not her and her family


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,064 Rachineire
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    My husband and I got married in the states. We had a very small wedding with just my family and a few friends in attendance. His family were not able to make it as their finances were very tight at the time. We lived long distance and only got to see each other every couple of months for a few weeks at a time.
    It wasn't ideal but the important thing was we loved one another and wanted to start our life together. Do we wish his family could have been there? sure. But the day was still special,and 5 years later we are still married- happily and there were no hard feelings.
    People understand that this world is growing smaller and smaller because of technology but unfortunately it doesn't make it cheaper. You can't help who you fall in love with and want to start a life with. It will be hard not to have your family there, but I think it would be nice to have a small party in Ireland with close friends and family, maybe wearing the suit and dress again so they can celebrate your union with you as well.

    Try not to stress about it- I know its hard at the moment but it will all work out in the end. The most important thing is you love each other and are committed to one another!

    Best of luck and congrats! :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,689 bur
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    RUN!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 pwurple
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    It actually sounds to me like your family may not approve of this, as they don't seem to be taking it seriously. Have they met her?

    I know if my children were getting married and I didn't have the cost of a flight to be there, I'd go down the the credit union and borrow the 700 euro. I would not be missing my child's wedding, unless there was some serious problem, or I didn't think it was going to go ahead.


    If you are postponing the wedding to save a bit longer for their flights, have a serious chat with them first and tell them what you are doing, rather than it being a surprise. Just in case another excuse appears.


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