Friends with benefits / Open Relationship. Very Confused

emlou

I've been single a long time (more than ten years) because of a relationship that went very badly. I've kind of hid myself away ever since and never let men get close. A few months ago I decided that I'd had enough of the loneliness and joined a dating website. I met this one guy who I got on really well with. I really like him - more than like. However a couple of weeks in he asked me to have an open relationship / friends with benefits arrangement. Basically he described it as we would hang out do things together, go out and it not be all about sex either. So I agreed to it. He texts me every day and we chat for ages. Always when he wakes up, and before going to sleep and usually loads more throughout the day. He makes me laugh and we get on really well. I've told him things I've never told anyone. We're planning to go away on a holiday in the New Year. I hadn't really got any interest in seeing other people and from what I can make out he's not been seeing other women so far either.

The problem is we make plans to meet up and he cancels - like four times in the last two weeks. He says we'll do things like go out for a drink or the cinema but it's always next week and it never happens. We've actually only had sex twice. Basically we just meet up and chat and kiss and that's it. The other day we made plans and he cancelled again and I got really upset and mad, so I said to myself we're only friends with benefits it's not going anywhere, he hasn't told his family or friends about me - he's keeping it secret, and so I rejoined the dating website. I've been talking to a few people and made a date with someone. But now I feel really guilty and upset. I feel like I'm doing something terrible - like I'm cheating on him.

I'm so confused, any advice would be appreciated.

fits

You want a relationship, he doesn't, AND he is messing you around. End it now. Actually, theres nothing to end, just ask him not to contact you again.

MagicMarker

You need to forget about the first guy, you're clearly not cut out for that kind of relationship. If he keeps canceling then it's more than likely because he's meeting other women.

JeffKenna

This is really one of the cruelest things anybody can do in my opinion...his leading you on, pretending/acting as if you're in a relationship but at the same time his dating other women. I'm afraid his not interested in you and you need to cut ties now.

Tasden

If a regular friend, never mind a FWB, treated you like that, cancelling at the last minute etc, would you accept it?

Don Kedick

You're just going to end up getting hurt if you continue talking and meeting him. You have feelings, you say it's more than like. It doesn't sound like he feels the same but maybe he does. Just ask him and if he says no end it because I don't think you'll ever be satisfied with friends with benefits set up like you have now.

emlou

Thanks for the replies. It's a mess. The thing is my family new I was seeing someone before the whole fwb thing came up because my parents babysit for me and I was going out so much they figured it out. Now that it's been going on so long they presume its a proper relationship and are asking when they'll meet him. I keep fobbing them off when they ask me questions. I just feel so humiliated on top of it all because every time we made plans I ask my mother to babysit then I have to go back and tell her not to bother. I got a lecture about how I let people treat me which at my age was embarrassing. I think I'm past the point where I can just end it without being hurt, I think I've fallen for him. Pathetic

emlou

emlou wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. It's a mess. The thing is my family new I was seeing someone before the whole fwb thing came up because my parents babysit for me and I was going out so much they figured it out.
...

I just feel so humiliated on top of it all because every time we made plans I ask my mother to babysit then I have to go back and tell her not to bother. I got a lecture about how I let people treat me which at my age was embarrassing.

Now you tell them he did treat you badly and so you ended it. They won't say anything except "good for you" and be supportive, honestly.

Saralee4

I keep hearing stories like this about men on dating sites that don't want relationships but a kind of friends with benefits thing. It just seems to happen a lot from what I hear.

Anyway I don't think you've fallen for him. He hasn't been very nice to you has he? He is the first person you felt close to in a long time so your probably just getting confused.

On one hand he is acting like a boyfriend with all the texts and meeting up, cuddling etc. Since you didn't know one another before dating, he has to make friends with you to be 'friends with benefits' right? I think that's what he classed the texts cuddling etc as.

but then he cancels all the time and tells you he wants open relationship. So he has the 'benefit' of dropping you when something better comes along be it another woman or a night out with the lads etc. That would be confusing for anyone. But I don't think it will change and he will keep letting you down and he is not going to grow to love you either.

If someone else interests this man more, than what he feels he is getting from you, he will be gone like a shot but don't worry, he will treat her like crap too until someone else comes along.

Personally I hate guys like this that seem to have some weird fear of commitment but want everything else at the same time but in fairness to this man, he was open and said that he wanted a 'friends with benefits' relationship and you agreed to that.

Since you agreed to this, he feels he has every right to act the way he does with no guilt.

I would say, have a word with him. Say that you thought you wanted 'friends with benefits' but its not really for you. That you find the cancelling of arrangements and uncertainty rude and you don't want to play games with him anymore so your out. He might just be like 'ok see ya' or he might say 'oh ok but I really like you bla bla bla' but this second plea will be a lie and if you believe him, you'll soon find out that he will be back to the cancelling etc.

Or another thing you could do is tell him that you agreed to the 'friends with benefits' thing but he isn't really that good in bed and you've met a much hotter man on the dating site so your finished with your friends with benefits arrangement because you've found someone much more funny and attractive but thank him for his time all the same and part ways

tomwaterford

emlou wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. It's a mess. The thing is my family knew I was seeing someone before the whole fwb thing came up because my parents babysit for me and I was going out so much they figured it out. Now that it's been going on so long they presume its a proper relationship and are asking when they'll meet him. I keep fobbing them off when they ask me questions. I just feel so humiliated on top of it all because every time we made plans I ask my mother to babysit then I have to go back and tell her not to bother. I got a lecture about how I let people treat me which at my age was embarrassing. I think I'm past the point where I can just end it without being hurt, I think I've fallen for him. Pathetic

TBF to him at least hes open and about it

surly the time to finish is now as any longer will be delaying inevitable....your not pathetic btw (your far from the first ive heard this happen to)...its an awlful thing to do to anyone IMO at any age (leading on and messing about)

dixiefly

Could he be married or in a long term relationship?

CaraMay

dixiefly wrote: »

Could he be married or in a long term relationship?

I reckon so.

Op no one should cancel you 4 times in 2 weeks. Please walk away. He is probably married.

maria34

you tell your parents he has let you down so many times so you just dont like it and ended it. they dont need to know about details im sure. i also think he has someone else waiting at home thats why he cancels all the time.

you can go on other dates if you want. you are a free woman.

dellas1979

JeffKenna wrote: »

This is really one of the cruelest things anybody can do in my opinion...his leading you on, pretending/acting as if you're in a relationship but at the same time his dating other women. I'm afraid his not interested in you and you need to cut ties now.

But, he was very open with her...he told her, very up front that he didnt want an actual relationship. Even told her he wanted an open-relationship and explained it to her/his expectations. For being honest, how is it his fault?

Dont you think its the OP who didnt (or didnt want) to listen?

He made it very clear he has no and never will have any committment to her. The OP chose to ignore major red flags (as she wasnt interested in a relationship of this sort).

OP youll learn 2 things here. 1. If someone is telling you something like that, believe them. You are not going to change them 2. If its not something you agree with/interested in, walk away. Your options are to walk away and meet someone else. Or to keep pining after a man who made it clear he wasnt going to commit from the very start.

fits

dellas1979 wrote: »

But, he was very open with her...he told her, very up front that he didnt want an actual relationship. Even told her he wanted an open-relationship and explained it to her/his expectations. For being honest, how is it his fault?

Dont you think its the OP who didnt (or didnt want) to listen?

Ah come on now. I think there's a few fellows out there who look for someone where they can take advantage of the situation (eg not dating in 10 years). Reel them in and then drop the I dont want a relationship card. Fell for it myself once too. Only once mind.

dellas1979

fits wrote: »

Ah come on now. I think there's a few fellows out there who look for someone where they can take advantage of the situation (eg not dating in 10 years). Reel them in and then drop the I dont want a relationship card. Fell for it myself once too. Only once mind.

Of course there are!

But the point is, he told her what he wanted/his expectations, and she ignored it.

The OP also needs to take responsibility here. Youve only fell for it once, because you took responsibility again not to get involved in something like this.

Its a lesson, and its a valuable lesson.

emlou

dellas1979 wrote: »

But, he was very open with her...he told her, very up front that he didnt want an actual relationship. Even told her he wanted an open-relationship and explained it to her/his expectations. For being honest, how is it his fault?

When I asked him what he meant by friends with benefits he said that it would be a relationship just an open one. That we could still hang out, go for drinks, cinema that kind of thing. He even had me looking at a holiday website. How was it honest if he didn't intend any of it. I think the constant texting to see how I am, what I'm doing and tell me what he's at makes it feel like more than it is. I suppose you're right lesson learned. I'm not cut out for that kind of thing. I don't know how to be with someone in that way and not get feelings for them. Now I know. Wish I didn't feel like such a fool though.
I know I have to walk away - just keep bottling it when he texts. I'll do it tomorrow.

Stavro Mueller

emlou wrote: »

... I just feel so humiliated on top of it all because every time we made plans I ask my mother to babysit then I have to go back and tell her not to bother. I got a lecture about how I let people treat me which at my age was embarrassing. I think I'm past the point where I can just end it without being hurt, I think I've fallen for him. Pathetic

Right, so I can understand why you feel embarrassed. But you know, your mum's right. You've been willing to accept less than what you wanted. You were looking for a relationship but instead ended up accepting a casual open relationship. He's standing you up and leaving you unsure whether you're coming or going. That's pretty rotten in my book even if he has told you what the story is. If you were my friend I'd probably be telling you the same things your mother said to you. You don't sound like you're cut out for this sort of arrangement and there's nothing wrong with that. Friends with benefits situations only work when both people are singing from the same hymn sheet. The moment one of them starts to develop feelings for the other, it becomes a recipe for heartbreak. I'd also be suspicious about his circumstances. It wouldn't surprise me if there's a wife or girlfriend tucked away somewhere. Don't fool yourself into thinking the holiday in January means he's not in a relationship.

I know it's not going to be easy to end things with this guy but if you don't, you'll be kicking the can down the road. At some stage this is going to end and you'll be very hurt. The sooner you end this, the sooner you can heal and hopefully find a guy who'll want the same things as you.

dellas1979

emlou wrote: »

I suppose you're right lesson learned

I know am right

Ill tell you something for nothing, its easier to deal with this when you take some responsibility.

Because it becomes "I want...I should...I need..." not "he wants...he should...he needs...".

It becomes too much like a victim-type scenario. Youve the power to stop all this now. To walk away. To stand up for what you want. But until you start realising your life is about what you want and what youll put up with, youll keep blaming yourself girl.

fits

dellas1979 wrote: »

I know am right

Ill tell you something for nothing, its easier to deal with this when you take some responsibility.

Because it becomes "I want...I should...I need..." not "he wants...he should...he needs...".

It becomes too much like a victim-type scenario. Youve the power to stop all this now. To walk away. To stand up for what you want. But until you start realising your life is about what you want and what youll put up with, youll keep blaming yourself girl.

Tell you something else. It will feel amazing to take back control over your life. Yeah you may miss him... but you will have taken back the power.

Pinkmoon19

Hi OP,

This just literally happened to me, except we didn't actually have "the chat" is just kind of developed into that form of relationship. It wasn't what I wanted as I was hoping it would progress to an exclusive relationship.

After 3 months of dating he went completely off the radar for a few days, so I decided to have "the chat" with him. I didn't like the things that he was saying, so I decided to walk away.

Two weeks on he's called me twice and messaged me numerous times to say he made a mistake. I finally spoke properly to him last night and he admitted that he really likes me but he did get blind sided by his ex, but now he knows it's not going to work out with her. I'm sorry but I can do better than that and I am absolutely sure you can too. I would imagine deep down you know that he is not treating you well, and you're not truly happy. If you let it drag on you're the only one who is going to get hurt. These things can really damage your confidence.

I really feel for you because it is a horrible feeling when you like someone, and you invest a lot of emotion in them but it's not reciprocated. The bottom line is that he is either unavailable or not interested enough, or he would be snapping you up.

I really hope it all works out for you.

As an aside don't be afraid to speak with your Mother and your friends, you'd be surprised how supportive people are and I'm sure they have your best interests at heart. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

shuffle65

It isn't going anywhere, you have acknowledged that yourself, you're just wasting your time with him, move on

You're not cheating on him, you're not in a relationship

You're not in love with him, you're in love with the idea of being with someone, but it's not him.

Just tell your family it didn't work out...

Hopefully you will meet someone deserving of you, good luck!

Littlekittylou

emlou wrote: »

I've been single a long time (more than ten years) because of a relationship that went very badly. I've kind of hid myself away ever since and never let men get close. A few months ago I decided that I'd had enough of the loneliness and joined a dating website. I met this one guy who I got on really well with. I really like him - more than like. However a couple of weeks in he asked me to have an open relationship / friends with benefits arrangement. Basically he described it as we would hang out do things together, go out and it not be all about sex either. So I agreed to it. He texts me every day and we chat for ages. Always when he wakes up, and before going to sleep and usually loads more throughout the day. He makes me laugh and we get on really well. I've told him things I've never told anyone. We're planning to go away on a holiday in the New Year. I hadn't really got any interest in seeing other people and from what I can make out he's not been seeing other women so far either.

The problem is we make plans to meet up and he cancels - like four times in the last two weeks. He says we'll do things like go out for a drink or the cinema but it's always next week and it never happens. We've actually only had sex twice. Basically we just meet up and chat and kiss and that's it. The other day we made plans and he cancelled again and I got really upset and mad, so I said to myself we're only friends with benefits it's not going anywhere, he hasn't told his family or friends about me - he's keeping it secret, and so I rejoined the dating website. I've been talking to a few people and made a date with someone. But now I feel really guilty and upset. I feel like I'm doing something terrible - like I'm cheating on him.

I'm so confused, any advice would be appreciated.

open relationships are bs.

To him you are good enough to have sex with but not to introduce to friends. He is disrespectful and arrogant.

I wouldn't enjoy sex with someone who treated me that way.

I got a lecture about how I let people treat me which at my age was embarrassing.

I get you I got this lecture from a friend at the weekend. And I had to do some soul searching. I have to make changes and it sounds like you do. The good thing is they will contribute to our happiness. If someone is not stepping up to the plate and treating you the way you want then there is nothing there for you.

I can tell you a repeating pattern for myself you end up hating the person for not giving you the treatment you deserve when you were the one who let them.

I am constantly getting lectures from people that I am 'unnecessarily nice ' or that I let people away with ****.

What happens it it builds and builds and the other person has no idea and you blow up or leave without warning.

You are going to end up despising this guy. And he doesn't deserve it. It would be the more grown up kinder thing to do to realize that he is not what you need in a partner. That is not his fault nor is it wrong you are just very different people.

It was clear he was never looking for a traditional bf/gf scenario. And it's clear at least to me that is what you need.

If you stay with him and this is not what you want really then you will end up hurting him as much as he is hurting you. And why would you like someone who is hurting you?

If he keeps hurting you and you don't leave you will end up with nothing but negative emotions towards him.

Wouldn't be nicer not to have that? To leave it more pleasantly?

He is not going to be happy in a monogamous relationship and by hanging on it's kind of like you are manipulating him too in an effort to get more than he wants. It's not positive for both of you.

Open relationships are not the heart stopping jaw dropping real love I am looking for personally. It's not passionate it's meh.