Jealous of pregnant friend

Bride2012

My close friend told me that she was pregnant a few weeks ago and I was thrilled for her. A few days later and I felt so jealous. I feel heart broken, I have a physical ache in my chest. We won't be able to try for kids for three or four years due to college and money constraints but I have been broody for over a year. I'm 31 now.

I feel like a terrible friend that I am focussed on myself and not my friend but I can't seem to snap out of it. Has anyone else been through this? Has anyone advice?

Dellnum

It is much better to wait until you are ready for all of this OP. In the meantime you can learn so much from your friend and when your turn comes you will be so good at it. It is only natural for your motherly instinct to kick in but just think of how upset your whole life would be should you get pregnant now. You have something to look forward to and time flies.

jopax

I don't think there is anything wrong with the way your feeling. It's natural to feel that when its what you wanted.

The fact that you can admit it is good also, you can work through your feelings.

Its only early days, you will feel better in time.
For now just be happy for your friend and remember your time will come too.

Gordonia

I feel your pain. It's so so hard when your body is crying out to have a baby and you can't go for it due to college/money etc. It's probably going against one of our most natural instincts for us not to go for it and have a baby when we feel such a strong urge. I'm in the same boat as you - badly broody for a few years now but have been putting off having a baby due to college and money and lack of family support. It's really hard when you see all your friends going for it and it makes you feel so sad and empty. But deep down I'm delighted for my friends really and it's amazing to see them as parents. It's just that when you want it so badly yourself it's hard to deal with the mixed feelings.

I've been struggling with this for a while too and have not yet found a perfect way of dealing with it, but I do find it helps a bit to be more involved with the pregnancy and child. If you disconnect totally from their experience, it's even harder to deal with I find.

skallywag

No fault all all OP, it's human nature to feel jealous of something that others have which you desire yourself, even if the rulebook states that you should just feel happy for them. At the same time plenty of people are having their first in their mid 30s these days, the chances are still good for you at that age so I guess you just need to remain focused on that.

December2012

There are different types of jealousy.

1. You want the same experience that another person has, eg a job, marriage, a family.

2. You want to take away another persons job, marriage, family for yourself.

It sounds like you're in the first camp. Don't feel bad.

The_Conductor

OP- there is never a good or a bad time to try to get pregnant.
We all have money worries.
We tried for children against medical advice- and had a string of miscarriages- before we had our first little miracle, closely followed 14 months later by his sister.......

Money is always going to be a problem for a young family. If you're still in college you can access subsidised childcare on campus (in any of the larger universities). Family and friends will help out too........

Don't imagine that magically in 3-4 years time- your finances will be better and it'll be the right time to try for kids- who knows where you'll be at that stage- and though I hate to say it- you'll be 3-4 years older- and by god its harder being a parent the older you are...........

Saying you're putting things off for 3-4 years, because of finances, is a cop-out in my opinion- you can always make things work. Money may be tight, you may not have holidays- or luxuries that you're used to- but it can be made work.

Teyla Emmagan

I think you should think about trying now if you want a baby that badly. You can't assume you will instantly get pregnant when you do, as per your desired schedule. Especially if you will be another 3 or 4 years older. As The Conductor says some people can take years and years to have the baby they have longed for. I have seen far too many friends struggling and failing to get pregnant in their late 30s. Women think they can put it off but if your body is screaming at you now, maybe this is the time. You can always go back to college down the line if you do get pregnant. Sorry to be all Cassandra, but the female body is not a limitless baby making machine. Maybe you should have a good think about doing this now if it means that much to you.

Neyite

Actually it might be an option to have a baby now - colleges have creches or childcare supports whereas you on a low graduate salary in a new job wont get any of that. With a bit of luck and a bit of planning by the time you need to pay full crèche fees it might be the 'free' year - well, its not really free, but the government cover a certain amount of Montessori hours.

As well as that, taking time out maternity-wise might mean getting statutory benefit only - a lot of companies cutting costs cut maternity top-up as one of the first money-saving measures. We were prepared and used savings so I could take full maternity, but if we had had to service a mortgage too at the time, I don't think we could have managed without me going back to work, and I loved the fact I got an extra 5 months with my baby.

What I would suggest is detailing it all down - there might be wiggle room where you can bring your baby plans forward a couple of years. Or push your house plans back by a few years. You dont HAVE to have a house bought before you have a baby, so it depends on what you want in life first.

My own studies are on hold at the moment - I don't have time on my side any more and this is my time now to add to our family or never. So our house is not getting built and I'm not passing any exams, but that will all fall into place for us later on, when this baby phase passes. It would have been great to have those things sorted beforehand, granted, but I've no regrets, not when I look at my little one.

As Conductor says, its never an ideal time. As a new graduate, you might be expected to put in lots of hours on a job to establish yourself and gain experience, or you may have difficulty getting work in your field. You might leave it until 4 years time then discover you need fertility treatment and because you bought the house, you need to save for another few years. One of you could get injured or sick. Nobody knows.

Have a think about it, have a chat with your partner, and see if you can adjust your plans a little.

skallywag

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

...I have seen far too many friends struggling and failing to get pregnant in their late 30s...

Good advice there OP. Although your chances of a successful pregnancy are still good in your mid 30s, they will be considerably higher in your early 30s. Some food for thought.