am I at fault here so hurt

LegacyUser

Hi , Im 24 living in a new place with my 2 year old daughter and partner, his mother paid for our first month rent and deposit since we are both on rent allowance and jobseekers together.

I lost my son 4 months ago he was born early and died soon after birth , so I'm quite down at the moment my real issue is I come from a bad are of the city and have always felt looked down on by other I 'm also mixed race my partners family is quite posh but they are nice ,

My partner and I fight alot but we have been fighting since I first got pregnant with my daughter , I never knew he had a gambling problem I came home one night to him having lost 1 grand online and I tried comforting him over it and he started hitting me and choking me and we broke up then but during my pregnancy I was more terrified of being alone so we got back he promised never to do it again etc... and ever since I have been getting punches in the arms , kicked in the lags constantly and headbutted once and thrown at a wall.

I call him names back because he calls me names he calls me chink , fat , slanty eyes , yellow skin and whore,

I always forgive him because I love him but since I lost my son I feel like I deserve better but what can I do , I feel at fault over calling him names and hitting him back when I can , and I just am always on the defensive because of this , he wont look for a job help out with our daughter constantly playing soccer with his friends or xbox , I need my life back but I cant , its a lovely new house me and my daughter would have no where to go and Im afraid his family could take her off me if we go to custody .


I dont want to move back with my mam because she still lives in a bad area and had only 3 bed house for her my brother and little sister .

I have no savings dear god I wish I knew what to do , I cant do this any longer I need to go for me and my girl .

Tokyo

Hi OP,

To answer the question posted in your thread title - No you are not at fault here.

Unfortunately you aren't alone in your experiences - there are plenty of threads in this forum from women who have been in exactly the same position as you, and you obviously recognise the peril of your situation yourself. You're in an abusive relationship, and you need to get out for the sake of yourself and your daughter because despite your partner's protestations, he's not going to change any time soon, as you are finding out. And the violence he's expressing towards you could all too easily be transferred over to your child.

If you don't have family to fall back on immediately, do you have friends that you can stay with, even for a while to give you time to get on your feet again? If not, then the first port of call I would recommend is Women's Aid - they provide support services and information to women experiencing abuse from their partners. As well as the linked website, they have a freephone number (1800 341 900) which operates from 10am to 10pm should you want to give them a call. They will talk to you about the options that are available to you. Once you have spoken to them, and you and your daughter are safe, I would also recommend that you contact the gardaí and report your aprtner for the various assaults.

Stavro Mueller

+1 to everything Mike said. Please don't feel afraid to contact Women's Aid and the guards. Having those assaults on record will be to your advantage should things turn nasty down the line. It might also be worth getting in touch with the free legal aid people but perhaps check with Women's Aid first. Helping women in abusive, violent relationships is what they do. Do you have any bruises? If that is the case, now is the ideal time to go to the guards.

Please don't stay because you're in a nice house or because you think he's from a better background. I genuinely fear for your safety. One of the features of domestic violence is that is escalates. Already you've been choked, kicked, punched, headbutted, thrown at walls. How long before you find yourself in A&E with broken bones, broken teeth or needing stitches? Or worse. Don't assume he won't kill you, either accidentally or deliberately. Also, don't assume he won't some day turn on his daughter and verbally and physically abuse her. I know you say you love him but remember it is possible to love people who are bad for you.

Please OP, pick up the phone and look for help. You've done nothing wrong. It's a good sign that you're reaching out to us on Boards. Hopefully it'll give you the strength to take the next step. You have options.

Summer wind

Hi op firstly I would like to say how sorry I am to hear about the death of your baby boy. It must be an awful time for you and so hard to try to deal with. The terrible time you are having at home is not helping. I think you should leave this man because he will not change and I would be afraid he may start hitting your little girl too.

Is there any way that you could stay with your mam just for a little while. Could you go to a citizens advice center and get some advice. I know they have solicitors there that could have a free chat with you about your rights concerning your little girl. You are a good mam because you love your little girl. You do not deserve this treatment and shouldn't have to put up with it.

Don't be intimidated by your partners family because you are in the right.

Rubberchikken

I'm so sorry about your little boy.
No matter how much you're worried anout the house, your safety and your child's safety are the important things here.

It doesn't matter how rich your oh's family are, they can't take your child.

Call women's aid. The longer this guy treats you like this, the more at risk you are.

Please take care.

DoctorBoo

Oh dear OP, you really have had a terrible time and I think what you really need now is a bit of looking after. It's only a couple of months since your son died and you need help to get through this.

On a practical level I think you should contact Women's Aid and have a chat with them. They know many women in similar circumstances, so their advice will be really useful. I also think you should consider moving back into your mum's house for a couple of months until you are feeling stronger. It doesn't have to be forever, but I think you need some support for now, and I'm sure your mum will be happy to give it.

I was sorry to hear that you are worried about your own background. Here, it's like I can hear your partner talking.... so what if your mum's house is in a bad area - you turned out fine, didn't you?! Plenty of good people live happy lives in areas that others consider bad. I also think that you should be proud of being mixed race - it's such an interesting heritage, not something to be ashamed of. Your partner may be rich, but he's abusive, insulting, racist and violent. Money can't buy you decency.

You deserve more. Your daughter deserves more. If you leave now, there is a chance that she will not be affected by the violence in your relationship. If you stay, she will have a childhood filled with fear. You both deserve more. You deserve a peaceful life.

I've been thinking of you OP since I read your post yesterday. I know it's not easy to leave, but get the support you need from Women's Aid, from your mum, from your family and friends. With their help, I believe you can do it.

Take care.

Stavro Mueller

There was a vigil held recently outside the Dáil for the 78 women and 10 children who've been killed by their partners since 1996. Think about that statistic for a moment. Obviously I don't know the stories behind most of those tragedies but I would think that in just about all of these cases, there was a history of domestic violence. All of these women chose to stay with their partners and paid for it with their lives. In some cases their children also paid the price for these decisions. It's interesting you say "My partner and I fight alot but we have been fighting since I first got pregnant with my daughter ". In many cases, domestic violence rears its ugly head when the woman is pregnant.

I wonder does your partner resent having a child? It doesn't sound like he's all that interested in her seeing as he's refusing to help out. That in itself could damage your daughter as she gets older. Children are far smarter than people give them credit for. She'll know that her father doesn't care much about her. She'll also hear her mother being called these vile names and if she doesn't see you being knocked about, she'll certainly hear it. What sort of example are you setting for her?

In your case you have options. I bet if your mother knew you were being assaulted like this, she'd be devastated and would do everything she could to help. To me, a 3 bedroom house in a bad area is still infinitely better than what you're going through now. If you move back in with your mum, you can regroup and start again. It's not as if you'll be there for keeps. Please OP, move out. Leave this beast before he does you or your daughter lasting damage.