Help With Housemate

LegacyUser

Hey all,
In September for college, I moved in with four people I didn't know for my final year. I knew I was rarely going to be in the house due to workload so I didn't mind. I still don't really know any of them too well. Three of my housemates are alright, the two Irish guys and the Japanese girl and I don't have any complaints about them. However, my other housemate, a Chinese guy, is starting to cause some discomfort.
At the start of the semester, he was quite friendly and nice. My boyfriend didn't particularly like him but I put that down to the housemate being overly complimentary which I thought was him just trying to make friends, given the language barrier so I never thought anything of it. Fast forward a few days, and I notice that all my housemates food is in a corner of my cupboard, despite there being an empty cupboard. I never said anything for a week or so, assuming that he just didn't see the empty cupboard. When it became clear that the food wasn't moving, I told him about the cupboard and suggested he put his stuff in there, since there would be more room for both him and me. He agreed but didn't move it. After a big shop one day, I had no room so I had to move his things to the empty cupboard. I came back the next day to find that he had jammed whatever he could in along with my food again.

This started happening with my shelf in the fridge and freezer too after a few weeks (both having five shelves, therefore a shelf each). It was odd but again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe he just didn't quite realise that there was enough room for everyone seperately. Fast forward to the last day, when he got up early in the morning to move his shower things into the girls shower (there are two bathrooms in the house and it was established at the start of the semester that the downstairs bathroom was the lads and the upstairs was the girls). The odd thing about it is that he would have had to walk downstairs to get his things and then go back upstairs to shower. I heard him get up at seven in the morning to do this, so there was definitely nobody in the downstairs shower. The shower is also working fine.

In between this, he has started asking me where I'm going and who I'm going with etc. every time he sees me leaving the house. There was one weekend I went home, and when I came back on Sunday evening, he demanded to know where I had been and how come he hadn't seen me in so long. I'm a very independant person and even my relationship with my boyfriend is quite relaxed, so it's very odd that my housemate cares more about what I'm doing and where I'm going than my own boyfriend is. It's also odd that my housemate gets more upset about not seeing me for a few days than my boyfriend.

He also has a few other strange habits. One morning at about seven (he seems to get up at this time every morning), he stood repeatedly slamming his bedroom door for more than ten minutes. He slams the doors every morning, but this particularly morning he seemed to just stand there waiting for the door to ricochet off the door frame so he could slam it again. He also repeatedly splashes his face and hands and doesn't dry them throughout the day. You can usually tell exactly where in the house he has been by the puddles of water.

I don't know how to approach him about it. He's starting to make me feel very uncomfortable to be around him (not so much because of the odd habits but the controlling way he treats me) as I feel more suffocated by him than my own boyfriend. I'm tired of having to explain to him where I'm going any time I leave, and I'm tired of having to move his food to get to mine. The problem is, the other lads seem to get on well with him and I don't want to cause tension in the house. I also don't know how to say anything without sounding like I'm strangely possessive of my shelves or say anything to him that makes it sound like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill by telling him to mind his own business. Or maybe I am?

Dr. Kevin

He sounds like a fairly strange chap alright. A strange chap with a serious crush on you. Crush could be an understatement. It's like he has lost his mind and is subconsciously acting as if you are in a relationship together. You know, like prehistoric-weird-instinctful-illjudged-mindless, caveman-type sh*t.

If I was you, I'd consider having a word with him, or better yet - get your boyfriend to do so. Or move out - but you shouldn't have to do that.

If you were me, you'd go and tell him, politely, to back the f*ck away brah!! I'm sure you're a grand lad, but the dynamics and discomfort between us is rather quite peculiar and I don't like it! D'jahearme? So start thinking about your behaviour brah or else back the f*ck away brah!! !

I hope things work well out for you.

Rubberchikken

Sounds a bit odd to say the least.
Has anything changed to explain his sudden change in behaviour?

Even allowing for that, maybe it wouksn't do any harm to tell him clearly and calmly that you don't appreciate being questioned by a practical stranger, on where you go etc

Good luck

Don Kedick

Be horrible to him. You obviously have been too friendly and in his weird head he has taken this to mean that you like him. Instead of smiling when he says hello have a scowl on your face. Barely say anything to him and when he asks where you're going just say none of your business. I assume it's not in your nature to act like this but this fella has forced your hand. It's either you find a new place or get him to respect your space. Try to get him to change his behaviour or moving is the only choice.

Chucky the tree

Don Kedick wrote: »

Be horrible to him. You obviously have been too friendly and in his weird head he has taken this to mean that you like him. Instead of smiling when he says hello have a scowl on your face. Barely say anything to him and when he asks where you're going just say none of your business. I assume it's not in your nature to act like this but this fella has forced your hand. It's either you find a new place or get him to respect your space. Try to get him to change his behaviour or moving is the only choice.

Well, she could also try dealing with the situation like an adult?

Don Kedick

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Well, she could also try dealing with the situation like an adult?

You mean like asking him to move his food to the empty cupboard or the spare shelf in the fridge?

Shrap

What does the other girl think about him? Now that he's moved into your bathroom like....

Also, maybe try moving your food stuff into the empty cupboard (that he has rejected) and the empty shelf in the fridge (that he has rejected) and see if it happens again. As for the door slamming and the weird confrontations about your movements, I'd again ask the other girl does she get the same treatment (I assume the lads don't, as you said they're ok about him).

By doing all that, you'll definitely be able to tell if it is just you he's hassling and would be well within your rights to at least call a house meeting or something to try and address it. It is really odd behaviour OP. Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP here,
Rubberchikken- it wasn't so much a sudden change in behaviour, it was all quite gradual over the last 10 weeks

Don- I'm not really very good at treating people like that

Chucky- To find the most appropriate way of dealing with him is why I'm here. Could you elabourate?

Shrap- I had thought about that, but he has a bit of food in both. This is mainly because I don't let my shelves run low enough that he can fit everything into mine. The other girl is never in the house. She comes in to eat and sometimes to sleep. Otherwise, she's not seen nor heard from. To be honest, I've spoken to her so little, I don't even know if she knows much more english than hello. The thing about the house meeting is that if no one else is being treated the same, then I just seem like the odd one who's getting bothered about nothing. Because I'm not close to any of them, I've a feeling since I'm the stranger (except the other girl), I'd be the one in the wrong, if that makes sense?

Detached Retina

I'd try blanking him,out of curiosity,except for day to day interactions. Keep moving your stuff back to where you want it, don't answer or even react to his questioning/demands at all about where you've been/are going-might take a bit of patience, with the relocating your food etc.-but if he has a reaction chances are it will be seen by the other housemates?

retro:electro

I dono op, despite what others here are telling you I wouldn't go out of my way to deliberately annoy him if I were you. He sounds unhinged and has formed some sort of fantastical relationship with you. I think you should keep your distance and if I were you I'd quietly be looking to get out of there as quick as I can. You can never be too careful.

3rdDegree

anna080 wrote: »

I dono op, despite what others here are telling you I wouldn't go out of my way to deliberately annoy him if I were you. He sounds unhinged and has formed some sort of fantastical relationship with you. I think you should keep your distance and if I were you I'd be looking to get out of there as quick as I can. You can never be too careful.

I agree. I'd be careful. He doesn't sound right at all. He definitely has a crush and it could become even more obsessively dangerous.

LynnGrace

I don't like the sound of his behaviour either. I'd prefer to get out of there, if I were you.

Penny Tration

Have to agree with a few of the last posts.

He sounds somewhat unhinged, and I'd be getting out of there if possible.

What went through my head reading your post was that he's obsessed with you.

Using your shelves, fridge space and bathroom? That all sounds like a somewhat desperate guy trying to stay close to you in as many ways as possible, maybe even convince himself you're in a relationship by 'sharing' everything. It would tie in with the interrogation, too.

If you can move out, do it.

If you can't - keep moving his stuff to his own spaces. Tell him to get out of your bathroom. Refuse to answer any of his questions as to your whereabouts. Answer it with 'wow, you're more nosey than my boyfriend.'

GLaDOS

Might be worth your while having a private chat with the other 2 lads to bring up your concerns. I know your worried they'll think you're exaggerating and will side with their fellow male (which is understandable), but if the behaviour is pointed out to them they might start seeing it themselves. Maybe they could have a word with your man.

cloudatlas

I think he is seeing how far he can push you. If people where I stay use my things or space I just take their stuff and put it back to where their stuff should be. I don't like notes but if you really don't want to be confrontational you could write a small note and pin it to the cupboard 'for the use of (your name)'.

Sometimes if you don't want to be aggressive with bullies the best tack is to play dumb. 'I didn't know that you weren't aware that this is my cupboard' 'oh this is the girls bathroom we agreed it with (other housemates) you didn't know?!' or if he asks you where you've been say 'oh nowhere why are you so interested' or if he is overly aggressive ask him to repeat himself. Keep all interactions light and breezy.

Otherwise, if it's not a friendly house share then perhaps you should start looking for another house share.

LegacyUser

ScienceNerd wrote: »

Might be worth your while having a private chat with the other 2 lads to bring up your concerns. I know your worried they'll think you're exaggerating and will side with their fellow male (which is understandable), but if the behaviour is pointed out to them they might start seeing it themselves. Maybe they could have a word with your man.

+ 1 I'd chat to the other two but ask about the bathroom rather then bring everything up as that was something that was agreed by you all. If you all agreed as a group that the bathrooms be split by gender and he's now moved into the 'girls' bathroom ask the two lads if they've had any issues communicating with him and maybe it's a language issue and you should all have a house chat about the bathroom. Judge for yourself based on their reactions wither it's worth bringing some of the other issues up as well.

As for him asking you were you are going just say out and don't engage with him over it. I do agree with others that it if he is a little unhinged you need to look after yourself and if you don't feel safe, move. I had something similar my second year in college with a housemate and we eventually asked the guy to move out as it had become too much.

Ande1975

HouseMate wrote: »

The other girl is never in the house. She comes in to eat and sometimes to sleep. Otherwise, she's not seen nor heard from. To be honest, I've spoken to her so little, I don't even know if she knows much more english than hello. The thing about the house meeting is that if no one else is being treated the same, then I just seem like the odd one who's getting bothered about nothing. Because I'm not close to any of them, I've a feeling since I'm the stranger (except the other girl), I'd be the one in the wrong, if that makes sense?

OP - is it possible that the other girl in the house has been through this with him already and is why she's barely there?
Maybe email/text or leave her a note asking if you could have a chat with her to see if she has experienced this?

Dr. Kevin

Please excuse my old-fashionedness here, but if you were my girlfriend, my friend or other, I'd be down there to sort sh*t out, politely of course. Does your boyfriend know about your discomfort? I'm sincerely sorry for calling your boyfriends inactions into question here, I don't know either of you so I really could be way off the mark - I'm not sure. Surely it's a tiny bit possible, though, that I am indeed correct.

I think you gotta meet caveman with caveman.

I.e: "Me OPs boyfriend!! You make girlfriend uncomfortable!!! Me warning you politely to stop making girlfriend uncomfortable! Me serious - it is unacceptable situation for girl I care about to be uncomfortable!!"

Don Kedick

I don't think you're a Doctor Kevin but you do give good advice. Still, the OP has confirmed that this form of action is not in her nature so she wouldn't allow her boyfriend intervene like that.

BettePorter

op is 'your' cupboard the so called best cupboard in the kitchen? I mean perhaps its just simply a case of him just being a stubborn infantile control freak who wants the use of the cupboard simply cause he sees it as the best one and why should you have sole use of it! likewise the shower! Ive known ppl like that....... hates to think you're getting more than they are when you're technically entitled to same.

I reckon he's just an awkward f###*r who happens to be a weirdo to boot. Tell him 'look we each have a cupboard, please stop using mine as I don't know what I have one day to the next when I open it and find stuff I don't remember buying'. if he still persists id literally just remove his stuff as it appears.

retro:electro

Failing everything else op you could just start eating all the food he leaves in your press and if he questions it just be like "oh that's yours? Sorry I just assumed I bought it and forgot about it since it's in MY press". That'll learn him!

LegacyUser

That sounds like a horrible situation you're in. Just wondering though, do you have a lock on bedroom door. I couldnt sleep knowing he was in the same house as me. I'd be thinking all sorts. Something definitely needs to be said to him. If you can't then either your boyfriend or room mates need to. In the meantime, could you get one of them plastic boxes and put your food into it and then put the whole box in the press. He needs to get the picture somehow and sooner rather than later. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be for him to change hi ways. Hope things improve for you!

Stavro Mueller

Do you have a key to your bedroom? Because it wouldn't surprise me if he has been in to have a nose around....
To be honest, I'd just leave. My logic being that even if you do challenge him and he backs off, you're still sharing a house with someone who doesn't sound like they're all there. Is there any reason why you have to stay in the house?

m'lady

Nobody should have to live like that OP. It's too much and it's creepy. I think one of the posters made a valid point in regards to the other girl that lives there, she could have been put through the same as you are now, maybe you should try talking to her?
Either way I'd be looking for somewhere else, and in the mean time keep your bedroom door locked when your out and when your sleeping... This guy sounds like he has a bit of a thing for you and it nearly sounds like he's 'marking his territory' with you.


Sorry I know I possibly sound a tad dramatic but in my mind it's better to be safe than sorry, and you are concerned enough to post on here.

Celly Smunt

I don't know if its just me but if this was happening to my girlfriend I wouldn't be able to refrain from bashing his head in.

You have to look at it this way,would you allow a stranger on the street to ask about your movements etc?, if not then you have to view it the same way. He is a stranger and nothing more. It doesn't matter that you live under the same roof, he has and should not have any ties to you other than the polite hello and maybe watching tv together in the sitting room.

If you don't tell him off he wont stop, I'd let your boyfriend know the extent.

LegacyUser

Either he's completely unhinged and if you think this is the case then you need to move out asap and do NOT tell him or the other housemates where you are moving to. If you feel he could be dangerous then explain to your landlord your reasons for leaving, and you never know they might have had the same complaints before about him, be sympathetic and give you your deposit back.

The chances of getting your deposit back are pretty slim though I'd say if you are breaking a lease agreement but it's worth a shot.

If you don't get your deposit back and are short on money to get a deposit for a new place, do you have any family who could pool together to give you a lend? I'm sure if you do, they wouldn't want you staying in a place that was unsafe. Or could you get a small loan? I think it would be worth it if it's the case that this guy might be dangerous.

However it could also be the case that this fella is not unhinged or obsessed with you, and that maybe he is just a complete and utter bully who is enjoying intimidating you in a creepy way, and acting in a domineering way towards you. The whole deliberately trying to move his things into your territory and questioning you sounds like he is trying to control and domineer you into being uncomfortable. And the repeated banging of his door in the early morning for 10 minutes straight could be him testing boundaries to see how much he can get away with. Did anybody else hear or complain about him banging the door for 10 minutes or could it only be heard from your room?

If you think it's the latter that he is just being a bully, then you need to stop being so nice. This will be hard if it's not in your nature, but you don't have to go over the top.

Remove his items from your press and when he is there tell him,

"I have returned your items to your press John.
This is my press.
I do not want to share it.
I put my items here, you put your items there."

Do not say please, do not try to explain it in a nice way like you did by making it just sound like a suggestion that it would be a good idea to have separate presses. Just plain and simple, this is my press, that is your press, no sharing.

Same with the fridge. Remove his items from your shelf.
"John, you have your own shelf.
This is my shelf.
I need the space for my things.
Do not put your items on my shelf"

Seriously spell it out to him clearly like he's an idiot if needs be.

Same with the shower. Return his items to the lad's shower. If questioned about it.
"I've moved these downstairs because they don't belong in the girl's bathroom.
We have all agreed that this bathroom is for females only and the one downstairs is for the males.
Your items are now back where they should be."

When questioned where you are going.
"out"

When questioned where you were.
"I prefer not to have to continually discuss my coming and goings with you John so stop asking me, it's invasive" or
"with my boyfriend" or
Ignore.

You can still remain civil and polite in day to day interactions, but adopt a very very firm tone when discussing the above issues. Don't bother trying to be nice about these issues because it obviously doesn't work with him.

Don't make it sound like you are asking for a favour, don't be apologetic in your tone when discussing these things. Refuse to get into an off the tangent argument or discussion if he tries to start one. Just stick to your guns. Very simple argument. "My Press.My Shelf. No sharing. Girl's Shower. My Business."
No whats, ifs or buts, just repeat those simple points and avoid the argument getting dragged off topic. You don't have to explain yourself any further to him.

I would also have a word with the other two lads to let them know what's going on, and definitely the girl too as he's probably pulled the same stunts with her.

Like what was said earlier though, if you think he could be dangerous then just leave, no matter what it costs you financially because you can't put a price on your safety.

Est28

Dr. Kevin wrote: »

"Me OPs boyfriend!! You make girlfriend uncomfortable!!! Me warning you politely to stop making girlfriend uncomfortable! Me serious - it is unacceptable situation for girl I care about to be uncomfortable!!"

I don't know if you think you're being funNy or what with the "chinaman" thing but that's ridiculously racist and I'm surprised nothing has been said already.

Flippyfloppy

Est28 wrote: »

I don't know if you think you're being funNy or what with the "chinaman" thing but that's ridiculously racist and I'm surprised nothing has been said already.

I think this poster said he'd go 'caveman'

R.D. aka MR.D

That sounds horrible OP.

I'm living in China at the minute and deal with/see 'odd' behaviour every day. He's from a very different culture so subtle hints or being rude won't work with him.

Sit him down and tell him that it's not on. His behaviour is strange and you won't accept it any more. Tell him it's none of his business where you are going or where you have been.

Seriously, the direct approach is the only thing that he may be able to understand.


Saying that, there is no guarantee that he will stop or improve.

Dunford

anna080 wrote: »

I dono op, despite what others here are telling you I wouldn't go out of my way to deliberately annoy him if I were you. He sounds unhinged and has formed some sort of fantastical relationship with you. I think you should keep your distance and if I were you I'd quietly be looking to get out of there as quick as I can. You can never be too careful.

I agree. It might be a hassle to move but worth it. You dont need this on top of your final year exams.

Better be safe than sorry.

OUTDOORLASS

I wonder if it ws another female that left your bedroom vacant and if she had the same hassle.

LegacyUser

OP here again!

Thanks for all the replies, I really didn't expect so many!

I live in the accommodation provided by the college so there is no landlord, everyone moves in at the same time and everyone moves you. You get assigned your house and your housemates at the start of the year. As far as I know, the houses have been booked up since the start of the year so it would mean finding a house to rent, which is really difficult and they're not very nice to live in (lived in them the last two years).

In terms of getting my boyfriend involved, I'd really rather avoid that. As I said, I'm really quite independent and I'm the sort of person who'd rather pay my own way and deal with my own problems. It would be easier to get him involved but I'd find it quite uncomfortable, which is just stemming from years of having to do everything myself.

I might try speaking to the other housemates, just to make them aware at least of the situation.

He also has a girlfriend back in China so I'm not sure about fancing me, even if I do "have the same hair as her".

tinkerbell

HouseMate wrote: »

OP here again!

Thanks for all the replies, I really didn't expect so many!

I live in the accommodation provided by the college so there is no landlord, everyone moves in at the same time and everyone moves you. You get assigned your house and your housemates at the start of the year. As far as I know, the houses have been booked up since the start of the year so it would mean finding a house to rent, which is really difficult and they're not very nice to live in (lived in them the last two years).

In terms of getting my boyfriend involved, I'd really rather avoid that. As I said, I'm really quite independent and I'm the sort of person who'd rather pay my own way and deal with my own problems. It would be easier to get him involved but I'd find it quite uncomfortable, which is just stemming from years of having to do everything myself.

I might try speaking to the other housemates, just to make them aware at least of the situation.

He also has a girlfriend back in China so I'm not sure about fancing me, even if I do "have the same hair as her".

Well you're actually in a better position then since its on campus accommodation - speak to your residents officer and get their advice. Colleges have issues with strange housemates regularly I reckon and will step in if there's a problem. I lived on campus for 4 years and the residents officers did get involved in disputes amongst housemates.

Regarding your housemate he sounds like a frickin fruit loop and needs to be dealt with as somebody mentioned by just being short and to the point with him. Definitely speak to the other lads - they are not gonna laugh at you, they might actually be very supportive. And definitely tell him to GTFO of the girls bathroom - what a bloody weirdo :eek: He does sound obsessed with you...

Vojera

Definitely mention it to your housemates. They may have similar feelings or it could be the sort of thing that when it's pointed out to them they'll go "hey, you know he is being a bit weird".

As for the residence officer, I had a similar problem in college and l found the residence officer helpful. In my case the guy was walking into my room without knocking (no, the doors didn't lock), asking very inappropriate questions, pouncing on me as soon as I arrived home, no matter how late I stayed out to avoid him. I didn't beat around the bush, I out straight told him how uncomfortable he was making me and that I wanted him to stop, but he just brushed it off. The residence officer took my complaint very seriously and moved me to another apartment as soon as a space became available - it's not unusual that they pop up as people drop out for various reasons.