Do you ever feel you have to flirt back with someone you dont really fancy?

Saralee4

I've had a few experiences with men where they have showed romantic intent but I have made it clear that I was not interested in anything like that with them. In turn the man has taken this as a rejection and been really mean.

Then I have had similar experiences but I did not make it clear that I was not interested and didn't act particularly interested either (just in friendship) and the man eventually got mean because 'I lead him on'.

I would like to add that I have a lot of male friends and I know this is not for all men.

This is going to sound awful but there have been situations where I felt that I almost had to flirt with someone that I wasn't interested in just to keep the peace or because I didn't want to fall out with them or split a group.

For example you sit and have lunch with a mixed group of people in work every day. One of the men who is confident and quite intimidating (i.e. tells people what he thinks, you hear him slag off people a lot etc.). He takes a liking to you. You have no intent of getting with him. He keeps trying to flirt with you, makes it obvious flirting. Will he perceive you being friendly as flirting? I suppose I would try to act as normal even though I can clearly see that he is interested. But that has happened before and the man has said that I was leading him on.

I think its hard for women because its like if they aren't interested then its like 'ok fxxxoff then'. I understand its hard for men and they usually have to approach women and face a lot more rejection too and its never nice to get rejected so I get that but you would think if they liked you at all really then why would they get so angry. Usually your attraction doesn't really increase until you know its mutual anyway or is it because these kind of men feel entitled?

Ignoring is kind of tricky because flirting is joking and having fun which is something you do with your friends so you'll end up coming across as a drip and he was just being friendly if that makes sense but then having fun back can be perceived by him as leading him on.

How do you handle this kind of situation? Do you flirt back? or make it obvious that there is no chance? Or do you try to act normal and ignore the flirtatious behaviour?

mountsky

You're a brave lady

Dial Hard

Honestly, flirting back when you've no interest is just storing up hassle for later on because you genuinely are giving them the wrong signal and you're going to have to deal with the fallout from that eventually.

Look, I don't think any woman here is going to disagree with you that the line between "ignorant bitch" and "you led me on" is almost impossible to tread at times. But you seem to already know that any kind of friendly response to this guy is going to be taken the wrong way. So save yourself the hassle - the best way to deal with him is to be polite but distant at all times. He'll get the message eventually.

eviltwin

If this guy you work with is intimidating you to this extent maybe you should have a word with HR.

Saralee4

Yea I agree Dial Hard. Evil Twin - this is not something I am going through now. Its just things I have noticed that have happened to me and other women at times.

I just wanted to know what other women's opinion's are on this and have many other women experienced this? What is the girl to do? Its like your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Like Dial Hard, said she is going to be 'ignorant bitch' or 'you led me on'. Its a bit harsh though isn't it all just because you don't feel the same way.

I suppose its just one of those things between men and women and how people handle rejection. Its something that women have to learn to deal with and approach each situation the best they can.

I don't think it works the other way though. If the man rejects a woman's advances, then the man is seen as a nice guy (which he is, if he is not interested in her and he is being straight) but often the women is labelled 'ignorant bitch' for the same action.

Saralee4

Yea I agree Dial Hard. Evil Twin - this is not something I am going through now. Its just things I have noticed that have happened to me and other women at times.

I just wanted to know what other women's opinion's are on this and have many other women experienced this? What is the girl to do? Its like your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Like Dial Hard, said she is going to be 'ignorant bitch' or 'you led me on'. Its a bit harsh though isn't it all just because you don't feel the same way.

I suppose its just one of those things between men and women and how different people handle rejection. Its something that women have to learn to deal with and approach each situation the best they can.

I don't think it works the other way though. If the man rejects a woman's advances, then the man is seen as a nice guy (which he is, if he is not interested in her and he is being straight) but often the women is labelled 'ignorant bitch' for the same action.

(once again I know this is not all men)

Littlekittylou

I have never led a guy on. I think it is really a bad idea. Eventually it has to come to an end either way and if there is a kick back it will be much worse.

I can't really pretend I like people I don't.

I can't feel comfortable flirting with men I don't like. I am very friendly.

It's really my fear that I like a guy and am honest enough to say so and then they go 'ha ha fooled ya'.

Guys and girls who plays games are best avoided like the plague from the start.

If a guy gives you harassment because you don't like him that really means he was planning on giving it to you anyhow. You don't stab someone in the back that you once liked because they didn't go out with you. Or I couldn't anyway. It proves he never really cared and it was he was just not ready for an adult relationship.

To be honest I would rather rip the band aid off fast.

Anyway I have never come across a man like that.


If you do rest assured he was bad news.

Flirting when you are not genuine is a bad idea. And it feels very very icky.

skallywag

Most men that I know can differentiate between friendly and flirtatious behaviour, i.e. you should still be able to be friendly without necessarily sending out signals that you are interested?

Penny Tration

I've never felt obliged to flirt with someone I don't like.

I've always thought it's really unfair to lead someone on like that.

I'm friendly to everyone, but if someone flirts with me, and I'm not interested, I make it clear, in as friendly a way as possible.

If they can't handle that, or react badly - bullet dodged.

Saralee4

Littlekittylou wrote: »

You don't stab someone in the back that you once liked because they didn't go out with you. Or I couldn't anyway. It proves he never really cared and it was he was just not ready for an adult relationship.

In the case Im talking about, in the situation where you know he is not a nice person, you don't want a relationship with him. But you are stuck in a situation where he is in your company and has mutual friends i.e. workplace. You know that he is the type that will not handle a rejection well because you can see that in his personality or in certain things that he has said about other people.

windpowered toothbrush wrote: »

You have to stop being a people pleaser, you have to accept that when you enforce your personal boundaries not everyone will be happy about that, that's ok. Don't let anyone intimidate you.

yes that is very right and you should never let yourself down or accommodate to anyone. But sometimes its not really about being a people pleaser. Its more a way of protecting yourself.

Take for example again, the workplace. Your a new start. A group are assigned to show you the ropes and you find yourself socializing with them at lunch etc. Your really enjoying the new workplace. One guy whose also a team leader, appears to be the alpha male. Everyone finds him funny, he is a bit straight and there's something that gives you the feeling that he would turn on you easily. I don't know about other people but I have met both men and women like this before. You've heard him being nasty about other people and seen that the others accept this. While you don't take part in this interaction and don't lower yourself, you keep out of it because your the newbie.

Then he turns his attention to you. But he isn't doing anything wrong per say, he is just flirting but you know that he likes you. You know that you are not interested. So what do you do?

1) You cant exactly call him aside and say 'I seen you looking me up and down' and 'you made a joke the other day with me and a cheeky smile but Im not interested in you that way' - he would just say your crazy and he is just a friendly person. That would make things very awkward for both of you and probably he would start making a joke of you to his friends. 'don't talk to her, she'll think you fancy her'.

2) Your a friendly person with everyone. Stay friendly with everyone, including him and don't change yourself. But then you start to question your own friendly attitude because you know he likes you. You have to question what you say, try to think 'oh is he going to perceive it another way'. That is really down to how he perceives it but ultimately it is going to have an effect on you if he mistakes your normal friendly self as flirting. (this is what I meant where sometimes I felt I had to flirt back, where I was just keeping my friendly attitude but it is his perception that creates the issue)

3) Distance yourself from him specifically, avoid interaction with him and don't respond to any innuendos, jokes that could possibly be determined as flirting. He will not like this either and you will be labelled as dry, no fun etc.

4) Distance yourself and isolate yourself from the whole group of colleagues. Not going to work out well for you either.

I know in this example the problem is with the man, it is his issue with rejection but this still has an impact on the woman. You have to react to his expectations from you. And you are going to disappoint.

I suppose it all comes down to social status, how strong you are as a person etc but I do think that in some cases its a catch 22 for the woman. Sometimes the man is only flirting for the fun and will never make a move as such and its just not worth bruising the his ego and him acting out. Not for him but because of the impact it will have on you and your work situation.

I have even had friendships with women like this in the workplace where there was no romance but if you crossed her (in her head), she would make your life hell in work so Im not saying that it is only men that can be like this and there are often people you have to 'tip toe' around just to keep things civil but this is just one example.

eviltwin

I wouldn't flirt with anyone I wasn't interested in. Its a waste of time and not fair. Why give someone false hope? I've only had one experience where a guy who flirted with me took it badly when I turned him down, he screamed dogs abuse at me and it was scary at the time but people like that are rare.

I wouldn't say anything to this guy unless its becoming a problem. You can still be friendly with him, there is a big difference between flirting and friendliness. How do you know he sees that as a sign that you are interested?

skallywag

Can you not just remain on friendly and civil terms with him without actively encouraging him or actively responding to anything flirtatious from him? Or is it the case that your own 'normal friendly' is defaulting to naturally flirtatious?

jeanrose770

Depending on the circumstances, I will temporarily go along with it. No situational embarrassment. But if the persistence continues after the initial situation where it began, I will kindly explain that there is no interest. But thanks!!!

meeeeh

If someone makes a crude joke or silly innuendo I usually joke back or brush it off in some other way. I couldn't be bothered enough to flirt with someone that I am not interested in.

_Whimsical_

I don't flirt with people I'm not interested in but I can kind of understand what the OP means. I've been in situations where it's been important to maintain civil and friendly relations with someone where they've flirted with me and where me nodding and smiling in response has been interpreted as me showing an interest. I suppose I could have said "please don't say that to me, I only like you in a friendly or professional way" but it wouldn't be an appropriate response in public situations either so I've gone with politely ignoring the comment and sharply changing the subject. I know if I'd made a deal of it they'd have said " Oh I was only joking!Lighten up" and I'd be made made feel I was being an unfriendly, full of myself witch. My polite but obvious diversionary tactics are sometimes seen as me being shy or demure and the other person presumes I'm playing along leaving me to worry I've led someone on. It's difficult to find the balance with some overly confident people who won't pick up on seemingly obvious social cues like that you always change the subject to asking how their girlfriend is etc when these situations arise.
I think it's not so much about flirting back as feeling that because you don't say "oh for God sake I don't want to know!" and just be polite that you're creating ambiguity and have become complicit in something that someone else is doing. I'm sure it's not something that only happens to women, I've definitely been in situations where I've seen it happen to men too. I think as a women though maybe you worry more about your responsibility in, or what other people might perceive as your part in creating an impression you're interested when you're not.

beks101

To be honest I'm not intimidated by 'confident' (read in this case, aggressive and overbearing) people, men or women, or 'alpha males' or what have you and I would never live my life "reacting to someone's expectations of me".

I couldn't for the life of me flirt with someone I had no physical attraction to, the idea of it makes my skin crawl tbh. There are obvious things you can do if that sort of attention is creating an awkward or uncomfortable situation - completely shut off your body language, draw others into the conversation repeatedly, drop a "boyfriend" in there somewhere.

If someone's incapable of reading those social cues and misinterpreting ordinary friendliness and casual small talk for flirting, then that's his problem and not mine.

mountsky

To flirt with someone one isn't attracted to is a true indictment of their personality

DoYouEvenLift

Nah, I wouldn't be one for leading people on

Lau2976

I understand not wanting to lead men on but sometimes, and maybe it's just my perception, I feel like I have to for my own safety.

If course I'm talking short term interactions and not long, drawn out situations.