problems with elderly mother

flahers

My elderly mother has always been controlling and argumentative and to be honest has little empathy for anyone or their problems. I am an only child aged 55 with a husband and two grown children. Mother is 93 and had been living independently in her own home up until last Sept., She got a bad kidney infection and her mind was so bad that she was admitted to hospital and was there for 3 months. Her confusion is now gone and she is back to normal. She is now in a lovely nursing home and no more I can do. My relationship with her was always fraught, she spent her life comparing me and criticising me and blaming me for everything that went wrong. I had a wonderful father who enabled her and our home always felt so lonely cos she never mixed or had people to the house hence it was much the same for me. When I got married my life totally changed as I love people and even now she hates when Im in her company and talk to others, she mutters and calls me names under her breath. To make a long story short I have to go to hospital myself for surgery and wont be around to visit nursing home and after last nights visit by husband and daughter they are refusing to go in because she was really nasty with her comments and didn't speak two words to them so I feel awful and dont know what to do. My daughter says I'm just like my dad and I shouldn't be enabling her but she is my mother. I'm physically drained and look twenty years older since September.

Neyite

Fear, Obligation, Guilt - FOG. What you describe is very common in toxic families, or toxic parental relationships. A good book to read is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It will start you on the right path of putting this relationship into context.

The fact is, you, nor your family, are obliged to spend time with anyone who is abusive - no matter what familial connection there is. Its easy for me on the internet to say that, isn't it? But I've seen toxicity in my own family and seen the carnage it can leave in its wake, so I honestly don't say it lightly.

Your mother has her faculties, let her see that if she is abusive, she WILL end up having no visitors. In a way, you being prevented from visiting due to your surgery is a good thing, because it facilitates this message being driven home to her.

Shrap

Gosh, you poor thing This is the last sort of worry you need when you're not in good health and feeling so low. What exactly are you concerned about though? I mean, is it that you'd feel extra guilty (more than she usually makes you feel) if she didn't get a visit from family? Or is it that you're trying to keep juggling all the balls in the air all the time (keeping the peace, arranging dutiful visits, persuading your family to do what you do) and now you're sick, you can't?

If it's the first, then you could realistically speak to the matron of the nursing home and tell her how you're feeling and see can the staff pay her some further attention on the day you'd ordinarily visit, perhaps fielding some of her complaints about you not being there by explaining kindly but firmly that you're unwell. And put that guilt away, because it's no use to you.

If it's the second, perhaps you could take some time to rest, reflect and realise that your mother's emotional state is out of your control. You're doing your best, to the obvious detriment of your health, and still you don't feel it's good enough. Your family are also right to do what they feel is right tbh. The only emotional state you're in control of is your own OP. Let go the reins on the other's, at least till you're rested.

Tokyo

It's easy for us all to tell you to ignore 55 years of conditioning here, but in this case your husband is correct - you are enabling her by allowing her carte blanche on how she treats you, while simultaneously running round worrying about her comforts and needs. Just because someone is family doesn't negate them from being nasty individuals unfortunately, and the fact that you are preparing for surgery, and your main concern is what your mother will say about your absence is a good indicator of just how strong a hold she has on you.

You have a responsibility to yourself first and foremost, and a less dysfunctional parent would be bending over backwards to make sure that your needs came first at this time. Your mother is in care, she has people looking after her 24/7 at the moment, and as such should be the least of your concerns. So, to be blunt, ignore your mother for now, deal with your surgery, take plenty of recovery time and perhaps use the time to reassess your relationship with your mother. I'd like to think that she might realise what she's been taking for granted from her only child all these years, but my gut tells me that's unlikely to happen

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

OP, I spent five years of my life as a carer to my ungrateful grandmother and let me tell you your mother will never change. The only person who can change the situation is you by refusing to let this happen any more. Stop going to see her if necessary. She is taken care of where she is and you are under no obligation to make yourself miserable by putting up with her. Tell her that if she continues to act like this, you won't come to see her any more. Elderly people use so much emotional blackmail to get others to do what they want. My grandmother was just awful. She absolutely couldn't bear me or my mother having a life. She refused to go anywhere to or mix with anyone and if my mother or I ever went out she'd nag and complain about it, wanting us to stay in the house with her 24/7. Once I was on crutches after a leg operation and she wanted something from the shop. Instead of waiting for my mum to come home from work and get it for her, she nagged me into hobbling down to the shop when I was meant to be on bed rest. You need to stop seeing her if she won't behave. That may sound harsh but it's the only way.

Rubberchikken

guilt is awful, isn't it? she's your mother and you're sad because the relationship you have with her is poor. she's in a nursing home and you feel bad if you don'#t visit. yet when you visit she's nasty and ungrateful.

as others have said, this is the type of person she is. at this stage nothing is going to change that.

you've looked after her, you've done your duty of care to her.

you have to look after yourself too. she'll be fine in the nursing home, she's surrounded by people who are well able to care for her needs.

it's hard to let the feeling go that you're abandoning her, but you're not. after your surgery and when you're fully recovered, she'll be there and you can visit and see that she's fine.

good luck with the surgery and recovery.

LegacyUser

From what you have told us you have spent years trying to please your mother. No matter what you do or say she will never be happy. The reality is at this stage your mother has 24/7 care and you have done all you can for her over the years.

The reality is that you are going to have surgery so you won't be able to visit your mother for a while. If she was rude to your husband and daughter I can see why they won't visit her either.

At this stage I would be selfish and put yourself first. You need to look after yourself now.
The reality is that your mother won't have you visiting her for a while and since she was rude to your husband and daughter they won't visit her either.
Let her see that if she treats people badly they won't always be there for her.

I hope you feel better shortly but it is time to stop trying as hard as you have been with your mother.

Spanish Eyes

Can you speak with the Nursing Home staff and explain about your surgery? Explain that your family will be looking after YOU for some time and none of you will be able to visit Mum during that time.

They are well used to behaviour like your mother's, and in my own experience (yes I've been there), less is more. Extract yourself from the situation ASAP, there is no added value to both of you being stressed out.

It's like putting a kid on the naughty step. If you say something like "Mum, your behaviour is out of order, so I'm leaving now. Love you and I'll see you soon" and every time she is mad and bad, say the same thing. The penny will drop. You absolutely "have" to leave when she is upsetting you. What good is it to stay?

No guilt. No guilt. Once you have informed the NH staff that you and your family will not be visiting for a while due to your illness, that's that. They understand, as I said before.

I wish you well. But you really have to extract yourself every time this happens. That is the best advice I can give.