Was I ever any good?

LegacyUser

I have been unemployed since last June. My last job was one I really hated as the work was incredibly boring and my boss was very belittling to me. I have slipped into a very negative thought process as a result; I've started to replay all the mistakes I made in the last job (and ones before it) in my mind over and over again every day. I remember one day he gave me a right bollocking over something small. I think about that incident several times a day. I think about in bed at night and when I wake in the morning. I was very depressed in that job and I made quite a few mistakes. I know that being depressed lowers your concentration levels so maybe that was the cause of it (I am on anti-depressant medication). I am quite forgetful (even though I always try to write everything down so I can remember it) and I don't pick things up as quickly as others.
I worked with one other person and he seemed to be much better at things like that. I am wondering now though was my boss actually right and am I a complete idiot? I suppose I must have got some things right as I would have been fired or disciplined at some point (I was only there for just over a year). My boss was quite dismissive and arrogant to most people though it must be said.
I remember one incident from college when I was on work experience and I was stuck on one issue for ages. There was another guy there from my year who was quite clever and he asked in a mocking tone "Are you still stuck on that thing?". In hindsight I regret not punching his lights out but I've started to replay that repeatedly in my mind.
It's become a cycle of self-criticism that I find impossible to break out of. It happened to me before and I went to a counsellor about it. She asked me "Can you see the damage this is doing to yourself?". I replied "Yeah, that's the whole point of it". I want to criticise myself all the time. I don't like it but I fell compelled to do it. I tried CBT a few years ago but it didn't work for me. I can't really remember the "good" things I did in any of my jobs, I can only remember the mistakes and cock-ups (with precision-like detail). Were there even any good things?
It's a real problem because I can't enjoy anything because of it. If I am at a social event, watching TV at home or eating a nice meal I can't give it my full concentration because of those goddamn negative thoughts. I wish they would just p*** off but they won't.
Maybe if I got back into a job and I was good at it they would disappear. I just want to be good at something.

Semele

I'd recommend the book "The Compassionate Mind", by Paul Gilbert, to you. Compassion-focused Therapy is based in CBT, but the author, who worked for years as a clinical psychologist specialising in CBT, noticed that a subgroup of clients didn't seem to improve from CBT. They would say that they could see the logic in it, but couldn't feel it- it didn't have any emotional connection for them.

Gilbert found that these clients who didn't respond shared a vital characteristic- a deep seated sense of shame and inadequacy. They engaged in almost constant negative "self-talk" and were hugely critical of themselves. Compassion-focused Therapy was developed to first address this- to help these clients understand where their extreme self-criticism came from, to start to believe that they deserved to feel better and to provide them with practical strategies to increase their compassion towards themselves.

It's a great book, OP and working through it may put you in a better place to think about therapy again. Sometimes people go to therapy and are just not able to let themselves engage emotionally, for various reasons. You often find (and this is also from my personal experience) that the experience of therapy can be hugely different at a later stage when you are able to be more open to it. Obviously therapist factors are important, but I wouldn't write it off because it didn't work for you once- the very fact that an experience of therapy didn't work is often itself really useful information to work with!

Give the book a go first anyway and see if it chimes with you:)

Shrap

OP, I'd like to show you how to find some positives. I think you a) have a great work ethic, b) are self aware (although concentrate on negatives), and c) you want to work to change your negative thinking. So all the red below are the positives that I think about your post, just to show that you just need practice to find them.

Zuck_man wrote: »

I have been unemployed since last June. My last job was one I really hated as the work was incredibly boring and my boss was very belittling to me.You did the job anyway. Great work ethic. I have slipped into a very negative thought process as a result; I've started to replay all the mistakes I made in the last job (and ones before it) in my mind over and over again every day. I remember one day he gave me a right bollocking over something small . I think about that incident several times a day. I think about in bed at night and when I wake in the morning. I was very depressed in that job and I made quite a few mistakes You left that job? Good call. I know that being depressed lowers your concentration levels so maybe that was the cause of it (I am on anti-depressant medication). I am quite forgetful (even though I always try to write everything down so I can remember it - you have found a method to help your memory. Good initiative.) and I don't pick things up as quickly as others maybe you think things through more thoroughly? Find the positive..
I worked with one other person and he seemed to be much better at things like that. I am wondering now though was my boss actually right and am I a complete idiot? I suppose I must have got some things right as I would have been fired or disciplined at some point (I was only there for just over a year)You were doing your job fine and you can praise yourself for that.. My boss was quite dismissive and arrogant to most people though it must be said. Well said. He sounds awful. You sound nice.
I remember one incident from college You completed a college course and got a qualification? Brilliant!when I was on work experience and I was stuck on one issue for ages. There was another guy there from my year who was quite clever and he asked in a mocking tone "Are you still stuck on that thing?". In hindsight I regret not punching his lights out but I've started to replay that repeatedly in my mind.Well done for not punching someone who was mocking you. Pat yourself on the back.
It's become a cycle of self-criticism that I find impossible to break out of. It happened to me before and I went to a counsellor about it Taking the initiative to help yourself with issues. A very good thing.. She asked me "Can you see the damage this is doing to yourself?". I replied "Yeah, that's the whole point of it" Insight into yourself. I want to criticise myself all the time. I don't like it but I fell compelled to do it. I tried CBT a few years ago but it didn't work for me. I can't really remember the "good" things I did in any of my jobs, I can only remember the mistakes and cock-ups (with precision-like detail) You have precision-like detail!. Were there even any good things?
It's a real problem because I can't enjoy anything because of it. If I am at a social event, watching TV at home or eating a nice meal I can't give it my full concentration because of those goddamn negative thoughts. I wish they would just p*** off but they won't.
Maybe if I got back into a job and I was good at it they would disappear. I just want to be good at something.Again - work ethic and ambition. Praise yourself and GO FOR IT!

TL;DR, but I just wanted to show you how you might think differently if you could practice seeing the positives OP, and you did ask "were there even any good things?". Seriously, you sound like someone who'll go places. Good luck with practising some positive thinking.

LegacyUser

Shrap wrote: »

OP, I'd like to show you how to find some positives. I think you a) have a great work ethic, b) are self aware (although concentrate on negatives), and c) you want to work to change your negative thinking. So all the red below are the positives that I think about your post, just to show that you just need practice to find them.



TL;DR, but I just wanted to show you how you might think differently if you could practice seeing the positives OP, and you did ask "were there even any good things?". Seriously, you sound like someone who'll go places. Good luck with practising some positive thinking.

Thanks for the kind words. I suppose I just really want some kind of definitive answer as to whether I was any good or not in my "career" so far. I find things like responding to emails, following up on 'phone calls, taking notes in meetings etc. quite tedious and boring.
I know that is a big part of most jobs. I am not completely useless in that regard, I do remember most things but I prefer more creative, problem-solving tasks.
I think I could concentrate a whole lot better if I was in a job I liked.

Rubberchikken

some great responses ^^^.

while you're looking for a job, have you any opportunities to volunteer in your community. creative people are always needed.

good luck and keep telling yourself that you are a strong capable person.

Shrap

Zuck_man wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words. I suppose I just really want some kind of definitive answer as to whether I was any good or not in my "career" so far. I find things like responding to emails, following up on 'phone calls, taking notes in meetings etc. quite tedious and boring.

Yeah, awful stuff - not just tedious, but soul destroying after a time! Wouldn't suit me at all either although I can also do these things and have managed to hold down jobs based around those tasks, but at the end of the day I left them for less well paid but more creative/outdoor jobs.

What I tend to say to myself about those jobs is that I survived. I ran away and never looked back, and I lived to tell the tale. Genuinely don't give a monkey's whether I was good or not as they have had little to no impact on my current circumstances, and at the time, took a good bite out of my mental health. Why do you need an answer? Why not just move on?!

I know that is a big part of most jobs. I am not completely useless in that regard, I do remember most things but I prefer more creative, problem-solving tasks.
I think I could concentrate a whole lot better if I was in a job I liked.

Ever done any kind of gardening/wall-building/conservation work OP? I can tell you that there's nothing better for a real sense of achievement. You get to set goals, solve problems, work your ass off till the day's end and then stand back and admire your own handiwork. Like the previous poster said, have you looked into voluntary work? Conservation volunteers are always crying out for hard workers who can work on their own initiative/with a team. You'd meet a lot of people who do that because it's so much more satisfying than their day-jobs.

LegacyUser

Shrap wrote: »

Genuinely don't give a monkey's whether I was good or not as they have had little to no impact on my current circumstances, and at the time, took a good bite out of my mental health. Why do you need an answer? Why not just move on?!

I wish I could have that attitude. I suppose it's all down to self-esteem and how I want to be viewed by other people. It irks me if I leave a bad impression in a place I worked and that someone who worked with me or over me will say to themselves "Oh yeah that guy I remember him, he was forgetful and a bit scatty-brained". Low self-esteem is a big part of depression. I wish I could forget about the jobs I was in and say "Ah I don't give a f###,it's all water under the bridge now".
I have a good friend who flunked his college degree and ended up in a low-paid job. By his own admission he was (and still is) a lazy-bones but it doesn't seem to bother him (at least outwardly anyway). Fair play to him, he is happy in his own skin and has lots of friends and enjoys himself in his spare time. He isn't lying awake at night mulling over past mistakes, beating himself up about this time and that time.
I need an answer on my own self-worth for my own peace of mind. I know I'll never get it but it doesn't stop me wanting it.

Shrap wrote: »

Ever done any kind of gardening/wall-building/conservation work OP? I can tell you that there's nothing better for a real sense of achievement. You get to set goals, solve problems, work your ass off till the day's end and then stand back and admire your own handiwork. Like the previous poster said, have you looked into voluntary work? Conservation volunteers are always crying out for hard workers who can work on their own initiative/with a team. You'd meet a lot of people who do that because it's so much more satisfying than their day-jobs.

Strange that you would say that. I actually love to do gardening and repairing-type work outdoors. It gives me a great sense of satisfaction. As you say, you can sit back and admire it when it is done. I actually have a couple of interviews coming up but if they come to nought I might look at volunteering.