My 3 year old girl has never known her dad

Tinkerbell1608

I've been fighting with myself the last 3 years, I don't know how to explain this so please no one have a go at me.

I knew this guy for a while, even tho we never seen each other much we kept in touch. We told each other a lot of personal things. But thinking back i'm not sure his side of it was genuine. Skip forward to the last meeting we had, he was confiding in me about his crumbing relationship which he was ending, so he said, but i think it was a way to get what he wanted. I know now he never broke up with her. Well i knew when i found out i was pregnant.

From that point on i and my little girl was to be a secret that he never wanted to be told. I was told to stay away from a specific shopping centre, never to get in touch with his parents (I have their address because he put it on birth cert so it wasn't actually attached to his own home address) My own mother died a couple of years before i became pregnant and my dad is quite sick with his heart. My daughter is being deprived of a daddy and grandparents. And they're being deprived of a grand daughter that they know nothing about. I've already been asked where's my daddy. She see's all other kids with daddy's. And she actually called another girls father daddy, which is heart breaking.

He basically told me she doesn't exist to him and wants nothing to do with her or me. Fair play about me, i hate him with a passion. But my little girl is the innocent party here and deserves to have a daddy!

I suffered quite bad and still am to a certain point with post natal depression. I took his words to heart and became a secret. Rarely going out. I have my little girl 24/7. With no help at all. I lost my savings, (I had been saving for a deposit on a house) My job of nearly 10 years which i loved! My freedom to do anything whenever i wanted. My dad in the space of 8 months had 3 heart attacks, the first, the day i came home with my little girl.

My pain is unreal! I've hated myself for the past 3 years. I've had to struggle along and struggle through the dark days. But i do make sure my little girl is well looked after. I never ever put myself first and thats fine by me because she's happy and healthy.

I love my little girl with all my heart... but the situation just ruined my life, well actually he did.

He won't man up and acknowledge his little girl. I recently had a maintenance order sent to him. But he never showed but the judge make a judgement without him. And he has made the first deposit. I have no contact with him. Even tho i found his real address by total fluke about a year or 2 ago. I've often contemplated writing to his girlfriend and his mother and father to let them know. But his voice in the back of my head tells me not to ruin his life like he did mine. HE ruined my life not my little girl. I never regret having my little girl, she's the most gorgeous girl i've ever seen! She's a bundle of joy and giggles. She gets me through the dark days of life. She puts a smile on everyones face that she meets. She's one special little girl.

I have never been with another guy since him because i can't trust anyone anymore so i never even thinking or want to get into a relationship.

Should i be shielding him, not telling his parents or his partner about my gorgeous girl. Or should i go through life and live with this big cloud over me because of it? And should i just wait and see about the fights she has with me because she doesn't know her dad and she wants to meet him.

I've contemplated on doing this post for such a long time but i'm at that point now i need to just throw it out there. And you all being unknown to me is the best way i can do it. I feel like i have the worry and weight of the world on my shoulders and i'm really not sure what to do

Has anyone ever been in this position at all? Why do men feel its so easy to just dismiss their own flesh and blood like that. I understand he was and is in a relationship, but seriously grow a pair and face up to your responsibilities! :mad:

Featherbubble

I would get in contact with him and give him some time to tell all himself. One last chance. After that, I would go to his parents and tell them. I don't say this to be spiteful or make him pay, it is more about the grandparents and possible brothers and sisters etc. It disturbs me to think I could have immediate family that I am not aware of and I just don't think it is fair on anyone. He may have been terrified and has let it get out of hand and doesn't know where to go now with all the lies. He possibly worries about it. It will be awkward at first, but in time it will resolve itself and he could be glad? But you will have done all you can for your girl. She deserves a chance at knowing her family. This is just my opinion and you have to do what is right for your little girl. However, I wouldn't see it as ruining his life, you are not responsible for that. If you were telling his wife about a one night stand or something where there was no child involved, then I would say forget it. This is very different.

Tinkerbell1608

Thanks for that reply, my dad recently said to me what if he had a son and my daughter randomly met him later in life. I know it might never happen but its a fair point.

I was thinking of writing a letter to him first, but i'd say he'd ignore it like everything else.

I really don't want anything to do with him but i'd be civil to him and like for him to take an interest in his daughter. Think i've just woken up to the fact he should take responsibility. I just thought i'd have to deal with everything on my own. And he could just walk away and have a happy life not knowing how much heartache he put on me.

corsav6

I would just go to his parents and explain the situation to them. Give them the opportunity to get to know their granddaughter if they want to. If they choose to ignore the situation then tell them its fine, you won't bother them again but they must never contact you in the future.
Your happiness is very important too, a happy mum is what your daughter needs and I think if you can try to resolve your issue with parents and grandparents it will allow you concentrate on the future.
Your little girls dad sounds like an awful pr**k and he's missing out on one of the most wonderful experiences in life, been a dad.
I hope things work out well for both of ye, and also for your dad, the poor man, sounds like he's going through a hard time.

Featherbubble

I agree with the above poster. Also, I think this is something you need to do. As hard as it will be, you will sleep well the night you tell his parents. You deserve some peace on this at stage. You've been too kind to him already. Do it as soon as possible.

Tinkerbell1608

that's were my problem lies. Their not just down the road, their outside of dublin now. I wouldn't be able to pop down. Is my letter idea a bad idea? thats what has been holding me back from it all, i worry bout everyone else except me!

Yeah, My dad has been through the mill.... And i feel at times its my fault. Kids are stressful, not good for him at all! But he loves her so much. It's amazing to watch them sometimes. She's a special little girl and i know if he'd ever meet her he'd be blown away by how friendly and funny she is.

I'm just really torn in what to do...... she needs her daddy, but i don't want her heart broken...

corsav6

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

that's were my problem lies. Their not just down the road, their outside of dublin now. I wouldn't be able to pop down. Is my letter idea a bad idea? thats what has been holding me back from it all, i worry bout everyone else except me!

Yeah, My dad has been through the mill.... And i feel at times its my fault. Kids are stressful, not good for him at all! But he loves her so much. It's amazing to watch them sometimes. She's a special little girl and i know if he'd ever meet her he'd be blown away by how friendly and funny she is.

I'm just really torn in what to do...... she needs her daddy, but i don't want her heart broken...

Letters can get lost in the post, and cowards who can't deal with a situation can just say it got lost. I'd personally try to speak to them, even a phone call to start with. At least then you will get some sort of reply and won't be waiting on the postman wondering what they think.
If or when the time comes for your little girl to meet her grandparents make sure they know its for keeps. If they were to meet her and then decide to end contact it could really upset and confuse your daughter.

I'm typing on mobile so apologies for poor grammar.

OU812

Hi,

Normally I'm pretty choosey about what I respond to posts from people looking for advice because I don't think I'm qualified to give it (I've already deleted one response here).

This is my point of view which you're free to take or discard.

I don't think you're looking for money or support, at least it doesn't come across that way & for that reason, I'd do the following.

Write to the father, tell him he has two weeks to respond to you and tell his parents (your daughter's grandparents) that they have a granddaughter. If he fails to respond to you, send them a letter (by courier or registered post) detailing who you & more importantly who your daughter is. Send them a copy of the birth cert, some photos from her first three years & an invitation to meet her in a public & open space.

If they don't respond, still keep the date & turn up yourself just in case they decide not to make themselves known to you & just observe. Be prepared for a showdown (public place makes this less likely but you never know). Be polite & respectful (this is shock news to them). Speak with them and assure them you're not looking for anything but contact for your daughter with her family.

If they decline, take it as such & make your own plans for life, if they accept, take each meeting as it comes.

Remember your argument is not with his partner who may or not know that you & your daughter exist.

I wish you strength & happiness.

Tinkerbell1608

Do you know what's stopping me too, i know my dads fragile so i'm afraid they are too and they could have a turn. It is a bit of a bomb shell to land on someone that they've a 3 year old grand child they never knew about. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, not knowing how much of a bastard he is.

OU812

All our parents are fragile, that's what happens with age. It's not your responsibility. What is, is your daughter's happiness & future wellbeing. A carefully worded well though out letter will break it to them gently (they'll still need time to absorb it).

eviltwin

My two cents is your only loyalty is to your daughter, anyone else is not your responsibility. If I had a secret grandchild I would want to know so you should give these people the chance to know your little girl. If they don't want to know at least you know you tried. You have the address, I would hand deliver a letter if you can. That way you know they got it.

eviltwin

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Do you know what's stopping me too, i know my dads fragile so i'm afraid they are too and they could have a turn. It is a bit of a bomb shell to land on someone that they've a 3 year old grand child they never knew about. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, not knowing how much of a bastard he is.

His responsibility - not yours. Keep reminding yourself of that. He made a choice to keep his child a secret, don't you take that onto your shoulders.

Tinkerbell1608

OU812, thank you so much for that post.

I haven't looked for anything in 3 years, i struggled. I help my dad with bills and food etc so i've nothing to play with at the end of each week. And I never sought money from him. I stuck to his wishes for me being a secret but I've reached the point i don't want to be like that anymore. I've realised she deserves to know him and/or his family.

I always try to wonder how it is for him keeping her a secret but i just can't, how can someone not want to know her. it just breaks my heart, she did nothing wrong. I just worry for the future, and the questions she asks.

Tinkerbell1608

I'm the type of person that will heap and heap the world and its problem on my shoulders. I hate to think i'd be hurting anyone or giving them heartache. But after 3 years it's exhausting. I have sleepless nights just lying awake wondering and trying to figure out what to do. I try and think of what way she'll react when she's older and wants to know about him. I know i shouldn't and it might never happen. I'm naturally a worrier. And it's hard not to.

mojopolo

Dear Tinkerbell - I don't often post on boards but I saw your post and saw a younger me.

I've been there. My eldest son is 26.

I angst for years about what I thought he was missing.
But when the father doesn't want to know its outside your control, possibly the grandparents too.
The bitterness can eat you up inside but only if you let it. Sometimes you just got to let it go and get on with living your life A wise old woman told me that once - I didn't want to think she was right but looking back it was some of the best advice I got.

From your point of view there is a slight positive side to it all - you have the final say over all the decisions in relation to your daughter. You don't have to bargain or compromise. No arranging weekends or holidays around anyone else. No competitive present buying etc. No jealousy or insecurities or other family to deal with. Your daughter can be brought up with your values.

What's for you will never go by you. Just learn to trust your instinct and you'll get there.

eviltwin

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

I'm the type of person that will heap and heap the world and its problem on my shoulders. I hate to think i'd be hurting anyone or giving them heartache. But after 3 years it's exhausting. I have sleepless nights just lying awake wondering and trying to figure out what to do. I try and think of what way she'll react when she's older and wants to know about him. I know i shouldn't and it might never happen. I'm naturally a worrier. And it's hard not to.

That's probably what he wants you to do, it takes the pressure off him and you've made it very easy for him over the years. Clearly he doesn't want to be a dad and that is something you will have to reconcile with yourself and your daughter.

Bite the bullet and send the letter, don't expect a reply in the immediate future. This will be a shock to them and they will need time to digest it and talk to their son and come to terms with it. Not sure what kind of bloke he is but do you think he might try and badmouth you when they confront him? He might try and blame you, say you tricked him etc...as parents they will probably be loyal to their son, don't take it personally, they don't know you after all.

Put your phone number and email in the letter - sometimes non face to face contact is easier.

Remember that in all of this you have stepped up to the plate, you have raised your daughter, looked after her, clothed, fed and educated her. That's hard enough to do with a partner, even harder on your own. Be proud of yourself, its not your fault he hasn't played his part. You sound like a great mum. Good luck, I'm rooting for you xx

Tinkerbell1608

did you have to deal with the questions mojopolo? I ignore them right now as she's so young but she can see the difference. It nearly has me in tears. I grew up with both my parents. My mam has passed away so i know in a way what its like to be missing a parent. I know its not the same situation, but she'll still feel that empty space.

Tinkerbell1608

I somehow expected abuse on here but you have all been so nice, i don't know why i haven't done this sooner. I think a note to him explaining everything would set my mind at ease. Closure in a way.

It's the most upsetting situation to be in. I actually feel he'll just ignore my letter too. Sure he didn't show up to court, which i was expecting. But if i pour it all out in a letter, seal it and send it, it could possibly lift the weight off my shoulders.

_Whimsical_

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Do you know what's stopping me too, i know my dads fragile so i'm afraid they are too and they could have a turn. It is a bit of a bomb shell to land on someone that they've a 3 year old grand child they never knew about. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, not knowing how much of a bastard he is.

It is a big bombshell certainly but you have to leave space for the possibility that your daughter might be a great gift in their lives even if they don't see that immediately. I can think of 4 children who were born as surprises, into very awkward situations, were initially thought to be disasters by grandparents, but who are now the light of their lives and centre of their universes. That's not uncommon.
The worst that will happen regarding the grandparents is that they refuse to acknowledge you and your daughter and you end up in the same situation you're in now where they have no input in your daughters life, if that happens it'll be very much their loss.

In years to come you need to able to say to your daughter that you tried on her behalf, I say do it, try contacting him and the grandparents.
The only thing I'd say to be mindful of is if he is likely to be threatening or violent in anyway. If he's that sort I might think twice. I think it's a good idea as another poster suggested to only ever arrange to meet him in public until you're sure of him.

mojopolo

@tinkerbell When my son was around 3 or 4 he asked a lot of questions about his dad and I was in a position to set up a meeting. My son totally ignored his dad at that meeting preferring instead to play with his toys. He never really asked too much after that. In that respect I had it easy.

Kids are very accepting of what you tell them. I'm sure you'll find the right words.

Tinkerbell1608

So i've nothing really to lose in a way.

i'm gonna just have to sit and write out everything. Spill it all out. It's a horrible position to be in.

She was literally playing with toys the other day and just turned to me looked me in the eyes and asked "where's My Daddy" twice. How do you answer that type of question from a 3 year old? Tugs on the heart strings. Just wish he knew that. I always wonder if he thinks about her.

Tinkerbell1608

mojopolo, my little girl loves strangers, probably a bad thing sometimes but she sits chatting and wanting to play with everyone. Everyone that meets her falls in love with her. She's wise beyond her years and very independent and curious. But i don't think he'd give me the chance to introduce her to him. He's missing out on a gorgeous little girl.

mojopolo

Hey tinkers - from your posts it sounds like you have your daughter's best interests at heart. You can't control the actions of the father so try not to waste too much energy thinking about what should/could be. It's his loss. While your daughter might not know her biological father it seems like he's not a great role model anyway. There are plenty of good men out there - just trust your instincts and what's for you will not go by you. It might not be the plan you had for you and your daughters but plans change - often for the better, if you let them.

Manta Mad ovci

Hi Tinkerbell1608.

Firstly i am not qualified in this area but you have made a great step forward and that is by talking about this.
I hope talking/writing helps take some of the stress off your mind.
The less stressed your are on this is more beneficial healthy love you can give your daughter,
Children are always going to ask questions we are never going to find easy answers to.

In your first post you say you where told to stay away from certain areas that sounds like you live close to the (Father) and maybe his family.
It is a free country so if your not causing trouble you can go where ever you like if you where honest with the (father) in your relationship and he was not he had no right to dictate what you can and cannot do.

I think writing a letter to the (father) telling him your daughter is asking these question and it is your daughters right to know him.In it give him 1 month to reply back and if he does not tell him you will be writing to his Parents as its also your daughters right to know her family.

Be careful how you word it and keep a copy of every correspondence.
If he replies and wants to meet do not go on your own bring someone with you that you can trust but make sure they do not get involved they should only act as a witness.
I would not do it this year i would wait till 2015 and enjoy this Christmas with your daughter.

Its also important to remember that not all men are like this and i hope you do not think this way as your daughter will pick up on it.
It only seems to be easy for men to get away with stuff like this in this country.

bp

I have nothing much to add other than he has clearly worn you down to expect abuse from us.

You sound like a wonderful mother and I agree with the above: after Christmas, registered post (maybe to his office to give time to digest - not siding with him at all - but if he immediately has a confrontation with the gf it will only go downhill), my only internal conflict is giving him a month to tell his parents - he has had three years!!!! So send them simultaneously..
Maybe

Have someone (friend not family) read the letters to ensure you stick to the facts so he cannot paint you as an emotionally unstable person! Put in all proof - birth certificate and and previous correspondence and your details1

Good luck

beanie10

Heres my 2 cents. Op like you I have a young daughter that I would do anything for. Anything she wants you try your best within reason.
Your fella is a prick. You hold alot of resentment towards him, rightly so. But you need to look at where you are today and where you want to be in future. Bringing this man into your daughter's life is not answer. He will resent you for it and your daughter just like you resent him now. Your daughter better not knowing him.
You need to trust men again and when you meet the right you will know. He could be the best father to your daughter.

eviltwin

bp wrote: »

I have nothing much to add other than he has clearly worn you down to expect abuse from us.

You sound like a wonderful mother and I agree with the above: after Christmas, registered post (maybe to his office to give time to digest - not siding with him at all - but if he immediately has a confrontation with the gf it will only go downhill), my only internal conflict is giving him a month to tell his parents - he has had three years!!!! So send them simultaneously..
Maybe

Have someone (friend not family) read the letters to ensure you stick to the facts so he cannot paint you as an emotionally unstable person! Put in all proof - birth certificate and and previous correspondence and your details1

Good luck

Agree with this. Giving him time is a courtesy he doesn't deserve. Clearly he only cares about himself and if he knows your plans that gives him time to make up some story that makes you look bad. He doesn't need to be involved in this, the grandparents are separate. He isn't going to change overnight just because of a letter.

OU812

Also, to answer the question "where's my daddy?"

"Some people don't have a mommy or daddy in their lives but that's ok, because it means that the one they do have loves them twice as much".

BelleOfTheBall

Hi delighted your opened up and I'm sure it's only going to ease!!i actually think u need a lot of support and I think a visit to citizens advice solicitor might guide u best.if this letter was sent to him I would send to grand parents no barred spared through solicitor.at least everything is going the proper channel and question of doubt will not be cast by you-protecting yourself.you have to remember your beautiful daughter has rights to her heritage and although I know it's not for financial gain he's got that responsibility!!uve made so many sacrifices I wish u very best in what decision u make for u and and daughter more importantly. Have a wonderful Christmas!!!

Tasden

Op I'd just worry that you're contacting the grandparents in the hope of this leading to him becoming involved...
Deep down, is this what you're hoping?

Cause your problem and concerns seem to stem from the questions she has about her daddy yet contacting the grandparents may not grant you any relief/solution to this, it may actually cause more questions about daddy. That's not to say its not worth doing btw.

They may try to get him on board or try to make him see the error of his ways but if he has decided he doesn't want a relationship with her then you may have to accept that no amount of influence from them will change that. Then if they are involved and your child becomes aware of family relationships and who they are this may raise more questions about why daddy's mammy and daddy are around now but her daddy isn't.

If the parents do make him see sense and he feels pressured to become involved in the child's life is he going to do so begrudgingly and not actually commit fully or willingly? An absent parent that is more of an abstract concept and not involved is a lot less damaging to a child than one who shows up intermittently and acts in such a way that the child questions how they are treated and why daddy doesn't seem bothered to see them/why he cancels/why he only wants to visit for a couple of hours and not a full day.

This isn't to try put you off involving the father if he does have a change of heart, I'm just explaining that the "where's my daddy" question is difficult but having a father that hasn't wanted anything to do with her become involved in a minimal way to appease his parents now may not stop difficult questions and may actually cause more.

If you want purely for your child to know her grandparents and for the grandparents to know of their grandchild and anything else that may arise as a result is just a bonus then I'd advise the letter as others suggested. But id strongly recommend thinking about what it is you're honestly hoping for and realistically look at how things will affect your daughter and how you will deal with questions that arise. Because as someone mentioned earlier its not too difficult to explain that daddy just isn't around but mammy loves you, its a lot harder to explain away daddy's lack of involvement when his parents are involved so if your reasoning for all this is to try address her questions and help her in that regard then you may be creating more so need to be prepared for that.

And that's not me saying the grandparents shouldn't be told or that you're wrong for wanting to contact them, I just want you to really consider what it is you're hoping for out of it and how you will deal with any of the issues that might arise from it. No matter what you do there will always be questions from her about daddy so they're just something you're gonna have to deal with as they arise and remind her she is loved.

Hope you get some comfort from whatever you decide to do. And well done for raising her yourself, its tough but sounds like you're doing a great job!

dm1979

hi tinkerbell, I dont know how to put this, so bear with me, but I could be your little girl, I am the secret daughter of a man who doest want to know. my mother fell pregnent and his family from what I know denied everything, I wasnt his full stop. I once tried to contact him through his mother and she was wicked to me to say the least, denied I could have been his, although there is no question that I am his. He now has a wife and 2 sons, and I am still the dirty little secret. There are no right answers in your situation, no way of knowing what is best for your daughter, if you tell his family and they dont want to know, she will have to deal with alot of heartache, if you dont she will have to deal with been the secret child of a man (if you can call him that) and that brings as much heartache. your post has brought alot back, keep your head high you have nothing to hide, you are not in the wrong here, he is. whatever you decide to do, whatever comes down the road you love your daughter and that is all that matters.

Tinkerbell1608

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I already have a solicitor who helped with the maintenance order, but I find she's too busy to have a proper chat to about stuff.
She would only be able to see me in the court and be running between courts! So I was never able to talk about the what if's and would it be right or ok to get in touch with him.
I'm scared if I do get in touch the maintenance that was granted will be taken away, by him, just to be mean! I wouldn't actually put it past him. I really do only think he's paying because he could be jailed. It's only newly organised and had first payment. I will say which I haven't mentioned, that I don't get the full amount. Half is taken from me from my lone parent. I have that worry now If he misses payments. I'll be down money. I live week to week with no luxuries, which is fine by me. My daughter comes first and always has.
I think at this point in it all I need to just write down my struggles and worries, mail it and be done with it!
Maintenance is an on going thing till she's 18-23.
And will have to go back to court a few times, as she grows and there's other expenses. not sure if he realizes that.

Deenie123

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

I'm scared if I do get in touch the maintenance that was granted will be taken away, by him, just to be mean! I wouldn't actually put it past him. I really do only think he's paying because he could be jailed. It's only newly organised and had first payment. I will say which I haven't mentioned, that I don't get the full amount. Half is taken from me from my lone parent. I have that worry now If he misses payments. I'll be down money.

He has to make the payments. If he doesn't, bring him back to court.

I think for your daughter's sake you should try to get in touch with the grandparents. Firstly, down the line she'll be touched that you tried even in the most difficult of times for you. Secondly, there's a practical element to be considered in that it's good to have a familial medical history. There's also the consideration that they might like to know about their granddaughter.

I'd send them a registered letter with photos etc., but I'd make it clear that you're not asking for her father to be involved in her life beyond the legal requirement that he pay the court ordered maintenance, that you're not asking them to get involved in the relationship between your daughter and her father; rather you're extending an invitation to them to get to know her and have a relationship with her and that after 3 years of being asked to keep your daughter a secret, it's not sitting well with you and you believe that they deserve the opportunity to know their own granddaughter should they wish to.

braddun

is he paying maintenance every month


attach his wages if he does not


hes a cheating scum

Tinkerbell1608

The judgement in his absence said €60 a week to be paid into my bank account.

He was self employed when I knew him, haven't seen or heard from him in over 3 years. I think I'll wait till the new year and send both by registered post. I need to get everything off my shoulders and move on. 3 years of doing it has worn me down. He lives outside dublin but was often always in Dublin. His other half took a liking to a specific dublin shopping centre when I was pregnant and he told me to steer clear incase we bumped into each other. I'm not the type to approach and he knew that so I at the time was wondering did she actually know about me and would recognize me. At the time I was connected with him on facebook. For all I know she could have seen my picture randomly on his computer.

So he can't bring that against me in court that I wrote letters to inform his parents of their grandchild? That's my big worry. But I only think it's fair they know. And that she may have another family to see. Literally in life myself and her are a secret. It's just the way my mind is now. Just because he told me to. And I listened!! I'm just so mad with myself for even listening to him!!

LegacyUser

Aww darling, I feel your pain.

I had a relationship with a guy starting nearly 2 years ago. We worked together and we clicked straight away. I always knew at the back of my mind, it was just going to be a fling. He was separated and had children. I was younger and I was also going through the grief of losing my mother so I felt vulnerable and did not want the fuss of a relationship at the time.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I fell pregnant quite early into the fling. I always knew I wanted to keep my baby. Her father never pressurised me to do anything else.

I knew I didn't want to bring my baby into a single parent family so I tried to make it work with her father but he made it impossible. He was an emotional bully. He made me do so many things that I feel so ashamed about now.

I went on to have my daughter and I love her to bits. Just after she was born, he moved abroad permanently and cut contact shortly after. He won't answer his phone and has changed his email address. I don't know where he works or lives. He never paid a cent towards her upbringing, he doesn't pay maintenance either. He never told his mother, his brothers or sisters or his children about my daughter.

I faced many similar dilemmas to you. Should I make contact with her aunts, uncles and grandmother. His side of the family is completely wiped out.

I went over this so many times in my head. I felt under so much stress and I came to the conclusion that he wasn't worth the stress and anxiety which he was causing me and as a consequence my daughter. I also felt that my daughter deserved a father who loved and cared for her genuinely.

However, I don't want to go into it but my situation is quite complicated in other ways.

I would like to meet someone else when the time is right and have more children. I would like my daughter to have siblings. I would like a fresh start from the hassle my baby's father has put us through.

I know that down the track my daughter will start to ask questions. I will tell her that I love her with all my heart and she gets my undivided attention, she is so lucky in that way.

When she is much older and she understands more, I will give her the opportunity to try to contact her father by providing as much information about him as I can give so that she can look for him (he covered his tracks very well).

I hope that your daughter's father comes to his senses and supports your daughter in every way. I hope that he starts to pay what is due.

If not, your daughter has you as her loving parent. Everything else just isn't worth the stress. Your daughter should be your primary focus.

Tasden

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

The judgement in his absence said €60 a week to be paid into my bank account.

He was self employed when I knew him, haven't seen or heard from him in over 3 years. I think I'll wait till the new year and send both by registered post. I need to get everything off my shoulders and move on. 3 years of doing it has worn me down. He lives outside dublin but was often always in Dublin. His other half took a liking to a specific dublin shopping centre when I was pregnant and he told me to steer clear incase we bumped into each other. I'm not the type to approach and he knew that so I at the time was wondering did she actually know about me and would recognize me. At the time I was connected with him on facebook. For all I know she could have seen my picture randomly on his computer.

So he can't bring that against me in court that I wrote letters to inform his parents of their grandchild? That's my big worry. But I only think it's fair they know. And that she may have another family to see. Literally in life myself and her are a secret. It's just the way my mind is now. Just because he told me to. And I listened!! I'm just so mad with myself for even listening to him!!

Shes not a secret in your/her life. Yeah her dad wants nothing to do with her but that's something that you just need to accept and move on from, (yes easier said than done), her being a "secret" to that side of the family doesn't make you and her and the life you lead a secret. Its him that carries that burden not you or her. Even if the grandparents were aware of her existence they may not want a relationship with her and you need to be able to move past that and not go back to thinking ye are a "secret" again just because they refuse to acknowledge her.

Your life will always be separate to his. Your child links the two of you together in one way but you need to stop viewing your life as a secret spin off from his. You and her have your own life regardless of him and his family. Any secrecy is his burden not yours.

I dunno if you said or not but have you spoken to a professional about all this?

Paramite Pie

The father has no right to anonymity full stop.

I think this man his worried he'll loose his partner if she finds out and that self-preservation is the reason for all this. However it's not your fault if that happens.

While there's no guaranteed outcome, I do think contacting the grandparents is the right idea. Glad your getting maintenance.

volchitsa

I'm glad if the reaction you've had on here has made you feel better about yourself, whatever you decide to do in the end.

Can I just say one thing I've learned about when other people have hurt you or done you some wrong, and specifically when you get the courage up to bring it to their notice? It's that it can be very destructive for you to want/need them to react in the way you hope they will. Even if it seems obvious to you that they should see that you are doing this for your daughter and possibly for them, they may not react that way - and you need to be prepared for that, or it will hurt you more than the present situation.

So before you do anything, remember that they are entitled not to want to know you or her, and think how you will feel if they don't want to know. Especially if they send back an unfriendly reply. Hopefully that isn't how they would react, but you can't be sure, and you need to protect yourself first.

So if you can't face a negative reaction from them, maybe you shouldn't contact them at all, or not yet anyway, while you're still feeling vulnerable.

Tinkerbell1608

I'm gonna try and explain why i want to get in touch with them. It's not for them to see my little girl but thats fine if they do, i need peace in my own head. It's horrendous some days, i see him in her everyday. I have no feelings for him but it was never discussed when we last had a face to face about how she was going to be looked after or how i was even going to do it... Which was at the registering the birth. He wouldn't even look at her and told me, to him she didn't exist. I know I don't have to tell him anything about the hardship I'm going through, but i feel he felt it so so easy to dismiss such a beautiful little girl, and i do understand the situation he's in but be a man and grow pair. admit you were wrong and accept you have a daughter. I know a hell of a lot about him. I could have been his worst nightmare from day 1 when she was born, but i'm just not like that. Thats why i'm in turmoil over what to do and when. It took me the best part of 3 years to even ask for maintenance. But he should be providing for her. But he's still ignoring the fact from what i can see. Yes, he just started paying maintenance last week. We in years to come will have court dates, or if he wanted it away from courts we could sit down and discuss what he could provide for her. I hate the courts, but it's my only option. Or he could ignore all the court dates and they'd award me what she needed without him putting his own financial situation before the judge so they know he's able to pay. And there i go again worrying he'll struggle financially! even tho i have the past 3 years!

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not sure if I would contact his parents. I don't know. I've not been in the situation, but I think it's up to him to tell them. Do you know his family? Did you ever meet them?

What happens if you contact his parents and they want to meet her, and he still has no interest? Will that open up more questions for your daughter? I know of children who do have great relationships with their grandparents but have never met their dad. It's just difficult to tell what's best for the child.

But, at the end of the day, you know your child. You know her dad. You are the one best placed to make the decision. But I can't help thinking that this is all a rush. I know she's 3, but you mention you've just sorted out maintenance and he's just made the first payment. Why not wait another while? See how that plays out. If he sticks to it. Now that your daughter has become an actual reality to him, he may decide he wants to see her. His relationship isn't your concern, and whether or not he has told his gf about you is irrelevant for now.

Personally, I wouldn't take on too much right now. You've managed for 3 years, what's another few months? I'd wait and see what happens over the next while, both with the maintenance order and with him. He might make contact. If he doesn't then you can decide your next step when things are more settled for you.

Tinkerbell1608

Very True, But in a way i feel i can't move on fully till i sort this. I'm in battle with myself now. Most people probably wouldn't have this much turmoil, they'd be able to pull themselves together in a way and move on. I just can't seem to, I worry about the future for her. And what she's going to ask. I'm fearing the worst, as in, her getting into huge arguments with me because of it. I shouldn't think that way but its very hard not to.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, firstly I'm sorry to hear about the situation yourself and your daughter find yourself in. Just as a different perspective on a similar sounding story. In the personal issues section there is a post call "my partner has another child I knew nothing about" perhaps reading it may help you. Good luck x

volchitsa

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Very True, But in a way i feel i can't move on fully till i sort this. I'm in battle with myself now. Most people probably wouldn't have this much turmoil, they'd be able to pull themselves together in a way and move on. I just can't seem to, I worry about the future for her. And what she's going to ask. I'm fearing the worst, as in, her getting into huge arguments with me because of it. I shouldn't think that way but its very hard not to.

This is kind of what I was afraid of, when I joined the discussion. Afraid of, for you, I mean. I've been there, for other stuff, not exactly like you, but I was in exactly that position of feeling I couldn't move on until the person who had harmed me acknowledged that harm, and said what I wanted to hear him say. I felt if he would only acknowledge certain things, I could then move on. I had a letter ready and everything.

But a very wise friend warned me that it was a dangerous position to put myself in, of needing someone else to say what I wanted them to, because you can't make even people who love you do that. So people who don't know you, or who feel you have a different aim in life from them, well, you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position if you make your own recovery dependent on what they say or do. And really it depends on you anyway, not on them.

mountsky

He sounds like a Prize Assxxxxxe!!Defo let his family know,he seems like a nasty,manipulative moron,good luck with it,your child deserves so much better

volchitsa

Can I suggest something else : I understand that you don't want your daughter to feel you didn't do enough to get contact with her dad and his family, so maybe you should do that, send a letter with pictures etc as someone said above. Make a copy of it, for her in the future. Send it registered mail, both so that you know they got it, and also so you can keep that for her too.

But don't think any more than that about it. Don't waste your precious time hoping they will get in touch, just remember that you did your best and that is all your daughter, or anyone else, can expect of you.

And hey, be kind to yourself. You've had a tough time, and this man has clearly made you feel worthless by making you into his secret. That's a power thing, for him, so don't give him that power any more. Live your own life, with your little girl and don't worry any more about it. There's lots of stuff we don't control in our lives and in our children's lives. It doesn't matter as long as you are there for her. Lots of children have only one parent day to day in their lives and they grow up happy all the same.

Tinkerbell1608

That's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, few photos, a letter, register it. Post it and be at peace with it all. If I get replies so be it, if not, I've put it out there and they know. I'm sick of us being a secret. At least I could show her I tried.

LegacyUser

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

That's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, few photos, a letter, register it. Post it and be at peace with it all. If I get replies so be it, if not, I've put it out there and they know. I'm sick of us being a secret. At least I could show her I tried.

I don't disagree with your decision , but just make sure that you've thought it through and are prepared to deal with the heartbreak of possibly being rejected by them also .
I think the grandparents deserve the courtesy of being told by their son and not a stranger . You need to be the bigger person here . He's not deserving of any courtesy , but I woukd inform him first that you are going to send the letter . Give him a week to tell his parents before they receive the letter . For their sake . It will be difficult enough for them to come to terms with the fact they have a three year old grandchild , without having to hear it from a stranger .

Big Bag of Chips

Just think everything through. As volchitsa rightly says, it seems you are depending on these people, and him, to accept you and your daughter in order for you to be able to recover from everything he's done. What if that doesn't happen? What if you send your letter, with your pictures and it's full of love and how great your little girl is... and you still get nothing. Will that feel like a double rejection on your part and set you back further?

That's why I think you need to think this through a bit longer. She's only 3. Yes she's asking questions but she doesn't have the adult understanding/complexities that we understand. She just wants to know where her daddy is. If you answer, as someone else suggested that some people have a mammy and a daddy. Some people only have a mammy, some live with their nanny and grandad etc. Then you can buy yourself a little bit of time in how you go about this. And it will buy you the time to see how the maintenance works out etc.

You have all these thoughts, feelings, emotions etc linked to him, to him being absent, to him ignoring you, denying you and your daughter exist, but she has NONE of that. She's a baby. And yes, she asks you every so often, but I'd hazard a guess that the times in between her asking you she's not even thinking of it! Whereas it's ALL you are thinking about.

Again, I'm not suggesting you don't get in touch. I just think you don't have to do it right now.

Have you been to counselling or anything about this. Maybe talking through with someone would help. It might help you see that you don't need his recognition, or his family's. If you get it it's a bonus, but your worth doesn't depend on them accepting you.

volchitsa

Yes I'd agree with everything Treadcarefully and BBOC have just said, and I'd add that not only does your worth not depends on him accepting you, but don't forget that your daughter's worth doesn't depend on it either. She'll be the same little person, and she may not even like them that much. You certainly don't want them letting her feel they were doing her a favour in being in her life! Grandparents can also be negative influences as well as positive ones.

At the moment, she has you and your dad, and a small child really doesn't need some particular form of family, she needs someone who loves her unconditionally and will put her interests first. Lots of kids in "conventional" families don't even have that, and having her paternal grandparents in her life might not make any difference to her either way.

I think you will manage this potential shake-up in her life better if you feel less "invested" in it yourself. What would you do if after a first visit they want her to come back and she doesn't want to go? I think you should take your time about it, rebuild your own life separately from this contact issue. If he is now paying regular maintenance that's great (and perfectly right and proper) - maybe take a little time before taking it further. Concentrate on doing other things to make you happy first.

Tinkerbell1608

your all making great sense, I did need all this advice cos it's making me see it clearly now. But I do feel they have a right to know. Maybe not right now. And I don't think he'd confess all to any of them.

Sure I don't even know if he's gonna keep up with payments! He never turned up for court, was told in the judgement letter that he could be jailed if he didn't pay. I rang my bank about the payment and you would think for an ongoing weekly payment you'd set up some sort of a direct debit or standing order to keep it easy but it was just paid into my account so possibly no paper trail on his side.

Even if he doesn't like it, myself and her are gonna be in the background of his life for years to come. I actually really don't understand how he's been keeping the situation so secret. In a way I just want it to be easier than he's making it.