Feeling Stressed, Lost and Alone

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Pre-emptive apologies if this becomes ramble-y or TL;DR-y, and thanks for the read and any feedback.

I'm male, in my mid-late 20s and a college drop-out working for a fairly prominent American MNC in my home town for the last 18 months. I have lived at home since I started my job but am in the process of moving. I only have a few friends and of all of them I'd only classify one as close enough to talk about this sort of thing to, but he's going through his own struggles so I don't want to burden him.

I'm not a confident person (I was bullied quite badly when I was a child) and I dislike conflict immensely, to the point where I allow people to walk over me rather than raise issue. I guess that's probably the root of my current problems. I suffered health issues during my teens which meant I was 20 sitting my Leaving Cert and going to college. Neither of my parents went to college, so as the eldest my going there was hugely important to them.

I'd always done well in school (in-spite of my ill-health) but never found any subject which I knew I wanted to follow into a career path. I liked working with other people so in the end I settled on a business degree simply because it seemed to give me the most options. After two and a half years in college though I felt no passion/interest for what I was doing. I couldn't see myself being happy doing what I was doing as a career and it caused me to become extremely stressed, anxious and depressed at the thought of dropping out and disappointing my parents. A counsellor in the college suggested I take a career aptitude test to find out where my talents lay and transfer into a new course the following September.

I did the test, and ultimately was left with a choice of two very disparate fields. I chose to go with the slightly higher compatibility and transferred into a new course but found myself in an even worse position than before. The coursework was extremely technical and I had far more difficulty with it than I had had with business. As I said before I am not a confident person, part of this is I run myself down and have a generally poor opinion of myself. In my own mind I equated my difficulty with a lack of aptitude and slowly but surely convinced myself that I wasn't smart enough to do the course and that I was better off dropping out rather than wasting my parents' money. I left just before Christmas but as I lived with my grandmother to save money I didn't tell my parents until after Christmas.

I chose to stay living with my grandmother rather than move home, I've never liked the family homestead. It's out in the middle of the countryside with no public transport access or facilities. I felt certain that going back there and being stuck in my own head all day would lead to me taking my own life eventually. I spent the next 15 months fruitlessly looking for work until May of last year when my mother told me there was an opening in the team she worked in. I'd done a summer internship with the company before and had received high praise for my work so she was confident if I applied for the job I would get it.

Though I was wary of going back home I decided that I could use the money to try to go back to college and finish my education so I applied for the position and was successful. The position was a cover period for a core team member on recovery after an operation. The person who would previously have covered this member had transferred to a new role and would not be available, although they would train me before they left completely. This amounted to essentially one day, whereby I was given a quick runthrough of the basic tasks of the job and then told "not to screw up" because it would have significant consequences. I did my best and thankfully managed to keep the boat right, although it required working very long hours and weekends.

After 4 months or so the cover period ended when the original core team member returned, although I was seconded to them while they got back into the swing of things. This period ended after about another 8 weeks when I was moved into a much more general line support role where I would be required to fill in for core members on holiday or out sick. It required extensive cross-training and although I felt overwhelmed at points I kept my mouth shut and simply got on with the job as best I could.

As time progressed I found the challenge was not the job but the people I worked with. I found that my presence was used as an excuse for people to take holidays on short notice, or just not turn up on a Monday morning because they'd had a good weekend. The colleague who I'd been brought in to cover for was a particularly egregious example. They would often book holidays during periods of evaluation or significance (such as new systems being implemented) whereby they could avoid any responsibility for the above. When I raised this with my mother who is a senior member of the team I was told that they were entitled to their holidays regardless of circumstances and I was not to complain because I could "be replaced in the morning if needs be". I kept my mouth shut out of fear, something I regret now.

About five months ago I applied for a newly opened role with another team doing similar work, I got the job and felt I could finally put those problems behind me and actually get on with my work and saving money. This team had trained extensively abroad and used different but similar systems to what I was used to but I felt that I could handle the role with time and diligence. It was difficult work and there was a lot of initial pressure to get trained but I got on well with my colleagues and got into the swing of things soon.

I had assumed that as I had moved to a new role and a new team that my previous team would be obliged to train someone to replace me covering my egregious colleague. It would be neither logical nor fair to disrupt an entirely different team and section in order to avoid taking responsibility for one of their own. I assumed incorrectly.

In the space of the last 3 months I have had to cover this individual for 5 weeks of holidays and starting Monday I will have to cover them for another two. We have lost two colleagues from my current team due to one getting a promotional transfer and the other going out pregnant. As such I have had my responsibilities increase significantly while my core colleague was moved to replace one of these people.

I received notice of this latest vacation cover requirement on Monday (the cover starts next Monday) only because this person has spoken to a team member of mine and mentioned off-handedly they were going on holidays the following week. When I emailed them to confirm this, I got a one line reply with the dates, no question of whether I was available (I had two days holidays booked which I have had to cancel) or whether this was convenient. I raised this with my manager, who is also their manager who said she would hold a meeting to discuss the matter but that “we all had to win together”. This meeting did not occur so in effect she has greenlighted this person’s actions yet again.

We have a major inspection directly after this period, and in their handover they have pushed all this prep onto me, refusing to come in either weekend around their holidays despite having next to no prep done. My own audit prep, along with our End of Year prep will have to be done around this, meaning I will be working 12-14 hour days, seven days a week for the next two weeks to try to get everything done. If I miss something for my own audit or EoY reports I will not be excused because I was redeployed for cover prior. I am sick literally and figuratively with anxiety and stress at the thought of this.

I am sincerely considering handing in my notice at this point, with an effective end date of the end of the year so I get my bonus or at least maximise my final income. I feel I have essentially been forced to quit by this co-worker selfishness and my manager’s unwillingness to take them to task and am very, very angry and frustrated by both. I tried to raise this with my mother last night coming home in the car but it was blown up into an argument which has left us not speaking to one another since.

While I have saved up a significant amount of money, it will only cover about two year’s fees, accommodation and living expenses. I was hoping to apply for a scholarship through work to go back to college which would’ve paid for my fees (retroactively) or at the very least have been able to finish up at the end of August with more money which would’ve hopefully allowed me to borrow the remaining costs more easily. I am beyond the threshold for social welfare assistance to go back to college next year, so I would be looking at September 2016 before this would occur.

I have thought about going to H.R. and raising the matter with them but I have heard from other people that individuals are rarely disciplined unless their actions are a gross breach of protocol and that managers are almost entirely exempt from ever being scrutinised (the last one was promoted and sent to another site). I am worried that if I raise this and stay that I will face repercussions from my manager or her supporters that will make my current situation even worse, or that if I raise it and leave my mother may face the consequences despite her supporting my manager at every step.

I feel like I have nobody I can talk to about this , I feel like I was finally starting to make progress towards a better life and now it’s all coming apart. I can’t seem to relax and distress at home, I’m sleeping only 4 or 5 hours a night in broken fits. I feel like the only thing I can do is just once again let people walk over me and say nothing.

Thanks for listening everyone, I think this is the most I’ve managed to articulate my thoughts and I feel a bit better for just having done that. If anyone has any advice I’d appreciate it immensely.

meeeeh

How would going to HR make things worse? You are thinking of quitting anyway, so why not? You messing up stuff because you are under too much pressure won't be good for anyone.

Rubberchikken

i agree with above^^. speaking to HR couldn't make things any worse.
these people, including your mother, are using you and being, imo, very unprofessional.

you are very articulate and wrote a great opening post, so your head is very together. you could step in there and fill in, at short notice, for others.
you managed to get a position on another team and, with a short training period, have been able to become a valuable team member.

sadly, the management you report to cannot see what a positive addition you are to this company or if they do, they are so insecure in their positions, that they can't help and support someone of your calibre.

speak to HR. if you wish to remain in the company to save as much as you can for college, then you need support and someone to make proper decisions.

good luck

Minderbinder

Buddy... talking to team managers about these kinds of things is absolutely useless. You've got to go to the boss. I mean the proper boss of your particular facility and be honest and frank about your situation. HR and team managers just want to control the situation and have no intention of resolving it, and may not even have the power to change things. If the boss tells them to sort it things will start happening.

One thing though, depending on your company it might be better to bring your team manager along to the meeting with your boss so they don't feel like you're ratting them out.

edit: and yes, from your post I think it's a good assumption to make that you are a very valuable, flexible member of the company. Your boss will like you if he knows you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies and kind words all.

I don't really want to go to HR because it's kinda the nuclear option, once I take the matter to HR there's really no deescalating it after that. My manager isn't a bad person, she just comes across as not being particularly good at managing people and therefore relies on the team she's built up over the last few years to handle their own affairs while she gets on with her main sphere of responsibility. With that said, it's this off-hand touch and trust in her senior team members that has allowed the person I'm obliged to cover for offload his responsibilities onto me at significant periods.

I've sent her an email asking if we can have a private meeting for a few minutes at which I'll outline what I feel this person's unfair actions have been and how I would like her to intervene to prevent it from happening again. Depending on how she responds I'll know better whether she was simply oblivious to their actions, whether she was aware but didn't think I had a problem with it, or whether she is aware and will allow it to continue.

I suppose the other reason I don't want to go to HR is I've heard horror stories of people who make complaints being targeted afterwards by either the person they've made the complaint against (on paper this is absolutely forbidden, a sacking offence) or more commonly by those who support that person. I have a hard enough time without the thought of that hanging over my head. Additionally I'm worried that even though my mother has always come down on her coworker and manager's side of things, she may by targeted out of the assumption that she supported me.

I didn't cover this is the OP but another major dimension of this is the thought of going back to college next year. I worry that as I've changed course and then dropped out once already due to my running myself down that I will end up repeating the same pattern and wishing I'd never left work. Despite what I have to put up with I have a steady income which allows me to provide for myself rather than burden my parents with an adult dependent given the current economic climate. My mother has already said that she and my father cannot afford to support me if I choose to go back to college again or give up work and I understand and respect that decision.

I guess I'll just play it by ear for now and see how the meeting tomorrow goes.

And thanks for your replies and kind words all, they mean a lot to me at this time.

Zonua

OP - my advice is to show this thread to your mam, and then see what advice she gives you.

CaraMay

You've booked your holidays do take them. Why should you give up your days?

Yeah if you've booked holidays a simple email to the person cc'ing their manager saying you had already booked time off and aren't available for cover and they need to make their own arrangements should do the job.
Since you're planning to quit anyway this will be good practice for you in standing up for yourself. It shouldn't even come into question - as far as they know you've booked expensive non refundable flights to the other side of the world and simply aren't available.
I know it seems easy for me to say as I am not in your situation but you've left their team and it just shouldn't be an option. Asking your manager about it isn't it either - you've cleared your holidays, anything else is their own responsibility not yours. Do your own audit and your own work and politely refuse. They'll figure out how to cover it themselves once they realise you aren't bending over backwards anymore

FactCheck

I think I have slightly different advice from some of the above. I think I probably agree with your mother.

But the first thing I want to do is congratulate you. I can't believe you lack self-confidence and are anxious when you've accomplished all that you have. You have taken on a lot of challenges, and succeeded and indeed mostly thrived with them. That is a fantastic achievement. Please, please break out of this mind-set that has you viewing yourself as a failure. You have done amazingly well.

Having said all that, I can see where your mother is coming from in many respects and I think my advice is not necessarily to contact HR.

The reality is that you have a decently paid permanent job on the back of nothing but a Leaving Cert. You are honestly incredibly lucky to have this. This is why people put so much emphasis on education and degrees - if you want decent pay and some level of permanence, you have to have qualifications and experience behind you. You have proved over the course of the past year (or more?) that you are hardworking and reliable which is why you've been given more roles and responsibility but the reality is that there are thousands of people on the dole queue as qualified as you are who they could give your job to tomorrow. I don't say that to scare you or to run you down, but it's the reality. They gave you a couple of day's training, they would not lose out much if they had to bring in someone new.

Having said that, you aren't some kind of serf. You have a track record here and you've proved you can handle the responsibilities they give you so that gives you a bit of leeway to tell them what you can't do any more. I think this is the crux of the issue:

I had assumed that as I had moved to a new role and a new team that my previous team would be obliged to train someone to replace me covering my egregious colleague. It would be neither logical nor fair to disrupt an entirely different team and section in order to avoid taking responsibility for one of their own. I assumed incorrectly.

You need to go to your manager, and if she doesn't help then the manager above her, and say very frankly that you cannot do your old role and your new role at the same time. They need to find someone else for your old duties, you have leave booked and you are working 12 hour days on the End of Year stuff. You can't do your old job. They gave you a new job, and you're doing that.

But those 12 hour days? Look again my advice here is going to sound a bit harsh. That is par for the course in a decently paid job. This is why they're paying you. I'm launching a new product at the end of the month - this means everybody works a minimum of 12-14 hr days and yes weekends too. It's not unusual. There will be bonuses and other rewards for everybody's hard work but I'm not going to apologise for asking people to do this - this is business, this is what they understood they signed up for when they took the job and this is why they are paid very well.

One attitude that comes up again and again in your post is that a colleague flakes out on you and you have to take on their responsibilities - and you massively resent this. I do understand that it means more work for you but you have to get into the mindset that the extra responsibilities are an opportunity for you, not a burden. It's because those colleagues flaked out that you have a job at all. If they suddenly start doing everything, you will be out of a job. Every time they cannot do something, and you do it instead, you become more valuable to the company. You have more ammunition to get promotions, pay rises. You should embrace being more competent than them. If you copy their attitude of only doing the bare minimum, you run the risk of losing your job or going nowhere.

It's awful, but the fact is that people of your mother's generation could get away with having only a Leaving Cert, basically "working to rule", frequent absenteeism (this is so rife in Ireland), and still get a decent paying permanent job. But the world is different now for your generation. You need qualifications, you need to work your ass off. Nobody is going to give you a job for life. You have to keep pushing yourself with new responsibilities.

I worry that saying the above will make your problems with sleep and anxiety worse. Please, please don't, they SHOULDN'T. The reason I've typed all this out to you is because you have proven over and over again that you CAN rise to these challenges, you ARE a good employee, you have skills and brains and talent and there is no reason why you shouldn't thrive while these lazy feckers languish where they are. Please don't quit before you have the money you need. Copy your colleagues in the sense that you can say "No, I cannot do this task next week. I am already doing Task A." Don't push yourself into illness. But don't think that pushing yourself is fruitless - it is the whole reason you have a job to begin with.

Best of luck.