Confused about wanting/not wanting children (at my age)

LegacyUser

Hello lady boardsies,

Am trying to get my head around something.

I've never been the maternal type. I mean, I love kids, and Ive great fun with them. They crack me up. And then I can hand them back. That was always my attitude.

Im rolling on to 40 now (wow-where did the time go?). Am single. I love being single-I dont have an issue with this. Maybe Ill meet someone, maybe I wont. But it probably wont happen during my child bearing years.

The thing Im a bit conflicted with is, I just always assumed Id meet someone and then be crazy to have kids. The want would kick in. Thats obviously not happened.

Are there any other poster out there who sorta "get" what am trying to verbalise? Is it because an option that was always open to me is now closing? Am I saying goodye to an "ideology"? Am a bit confused to feel this, because I never was gung-ho on having (my own) children. I'd even consider adoption (I dont know if this is possible at single and 40) - seems more appealing to me, than having my own.

/Confuzzled

Rosy Posy

I'm a bit confused by your post, op. It sounds to me that you never really wanted kids and now it's looking like you might never have biological kids. Is that a problem for you or is it something that you feel you 'should' be wanting? There are plenty of women and men that decide never to have their own children and that's perfectly valid. Is it that you really want a child, of your own or adopted, or is it that you feel a social pressure to do so? I love kids and have plenty but it's something that, after having them and seeing how much work they are I really don't understand why a lot more people don't choose not to have them. Maybe it's something to do with that biological window of fertility drawing to a close for you? Maybe look at some kind of mentoring or I'm sure you have friends or family with kids who'd be delighted for a regular babysitter?

beks101

Yeah I get you.

I think the fact that it's such a social convention invites this crazy pressure on most women to feel like they should want children. Like there's something wrong with them if they don't.

I'd nearly draw a parallel between that and being a single woman during those childbearing years. It just invites questions that are on the face of it, quite rude, but totally socially acceptable. Any men? Why are you single? You'll meet him when you least expect it! Versus - any news? *patronizing smile* What about you, are you thinking about a mini Beks? Or the old "when you have kids of your own..."

It's just sort of EXPECTED of you to the point where it raises eyebrows if you pass through that biological window and don't couple up/knock out a few kids. I guess when you're caught up in that haze, it can be hard to distinguish between genuine desire and social pressure.

That's kind of the case for me. Some days I'm 100% sure that marriage & babies is what I want in my future, other days I get stumped on the actual practical rollout of that. The Me With a Baby part. The No Disposable Income. The no more hopping around the world thinking about my life on singular terms. The career sacrifice. The lifestyle change.

Is that what I want? Because once you're there, there's no turning back. You can't kind-of have a baby. You're either all-in or all-out, and once you reach a certain age, you're on a very narrow timeline.

So...yes. I'd imagine what you're going through is pretty common among women your age. There is in a sense, a gun to your head. And you haven't lived a life dreaming of marriage-and-babies. And you're single. It's a tricky one.

pwurple

To answer your question about adoption... it's unlikely to be a viable option I'm afraid.

At your age, you are over the age limit for adopting an irish baby (it's 37). You could be approved for intercountry adoption, but that process takes years, and once approved, you pretty much face a brick wall. Intercountry adoption has been shut down to a bare trickle in Ireland in the last few years due to inaction over the Hague Convention.

Hope that isn't upsetting, but that's the way it is at the moment. People often assume adoption will always be there for them, but it's not the case anymore.

eviltwin

I think what you describe is quite normal OP even among women with children. I have had my family and I don't want any more children but as I get closer to that cut off I wonder if I should have more. I think for me at least its the fear of no longer being able to have the choice...finding I want a child at a point where its no longer possible. I imagine if you don't have children that feeling can be even stronger.

Whatever your feelings on parenthood, reaching the end of your fertile years is the end of an era for a woman, its kind of a sign we're getting older and moving into a new phase in our lives. I can see why sometimes the urge to have a baby is there, in a way its like holding onto your youth.

You can always foster. It might not be the outcome you really want but its something that can be a great middle ground.

Addle

I'm mid 30s, single and don't want children.
I am quite maternal and have good relationships with friends and relatives kids, but it's an expense and commitment I want no part of.

Sometimes I wonder if my choice (and there was a stage it was a choice) is some sort of self-preservation mechanism, so I do get where you're coming from.

LenaClaire

I have a similar conundrum. I am heading towards 40 and am happily married.

I was sure when I was 20 that I wanted kids when the time was right. But by the time I got married and financially ready, I realized I was unsure if I want kids.

I love babies, I think they are adorable and I could cuddle them forever. However, the thought of the complete upheaval of my life scares me. I have a job that requires great flexibility in travel availability and hours and I really like my job. I don't want to have to change the career I have been building for the past 15 years and I also worry I would resent giving up the current freedoms I have right now.

I still have not decided 100% either way, but I guess what worries me is that 15 years down the line I might really regret it if I don't have kids.

DoozerT6

This is so weird, I was having a conversation similar to this with someone today...

Me: just turned 40, single my whole life, and still unsure about having kids. I think my uncertainly stems from the fact that I have never developed a close bond with someone, a person who I could see being the father of my children and a life partner for me. Is that a similar situation to you, OP? Maybe if I (we?) had ever experienced that, I would have a clearer view about my feelings now, even though I'm single. But unfortunately, I haven't ever been anywhere near that close to anybody emotionally.

At this stage, it looks like children may never be on the cards for me - even if I met someone tomorrow, unless I got pregnant within weeks of meeting them, I would be at least 41 having my first child - that's late to be STARTING a family.

How do I feel about that? I can't categorise it. Yes, that door is closing, as I was reminded today when another girl who works with me told me she was pregnant (her third). She's a decade younger than me. As women, we have a finite time to reproduce. I think it's only natural at some stage to question whether we want children when we see that door starting to close.

I'll probably still be asking myself that question at 50. Only then it WILL be too late.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

mollybird

oh it's so good to know im not alone in the world. im married and recently turned 35. love kids like you lena and have 2 godkids and my husband has 1. i also have a newphew on the way in jan and think that's enough for me.

I just think it's crazy (maybe cause im older and have had more time to think of the in's and out's of having kids) kids today having babies and they have no idea what it entails. my goddaughter had an accident at her grans where the gran accidently poured scalding hot tea on her and she is now wrapped in bandages and her dad has to take time off work to bring her back to the clinic. her mum is on a written warning from her job (her boss is an ass!!) so she coudln't take the day off. both work full time and find it hard to juggle one kid.

i love the life me and my husband has but we were talking a few weeks ago and i admitted the only thing i was worried about was if i lived to regret it after the age of 40. but love how we can head into town on a whim, go out for drinks, nice meals etc and have no one to worry about. but there are times and i wonder should we give it all up to have a child.

sometimes my head just gets wrecked from thinking about it all.

eviltwin

mollybird wrote: »

i love the life me and my husband has but we were talking a few weeks ago and i admitted the only thing i was worried about was if i lived to regret it after the age of 40. but love how we can head into town on a whim, go out for drinks, nice meals etc and have no one to worry about. but there are times and i wonder should we give it all up to have a child.

sometimes my head just gets wrecked from thinking about it all.

You won't have to give up all your freedom when you have a child. Granted you can't be as spontaneous as you are if you don't have them and everything has to be planned but you might find if you have a child you don't want to do those things as much anyway. And kids do grow up, its not like you're life is over, finished forever. What does your husband feel about it?

miamee

I just had this conversation with a friend on Saturday I am 36 and single. I have no biological impulse to have a baby. I think I may have used up all my motherly urges on many, many, many hours of babysitting as a teenager! I love kids but I have no urge to have one of my own at all. It has gotten to that stage where I feel like I've had to have serious conversations with myself about it recently - am I just saying 'ah sure it's grand' because I am single or am I actually ok with it? I used to ooh and aah over new babies but now that rarely happens.

I am fully aware that if I meet the right man, I may well change my mind but I will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

miss choc

I just turned 40 and never had a maternal streak I'm an only child maybe thats the reason dont know luckilly my husband doesnt either. We are child free and fancy free. Apart from my fur baby our dog we have no trauma at w/ends for going out. We still go clubbing, go on holidays off peak when it's cheaper and kids are in school and just like our lifestyle. I appreciate people who want them but it's just not for me. Times have changed and people dont expect you to have a ton of kids by the time you hit your 40's people dont have them for different reason weather it be medical, not maternal, want to further career, not met right man, travelling etc.

SONIC2008

I'm 30 and would love children! I'm a (recently) single pringle though. My last relationship ended very badly though and I have no intention of getting involved with anyone anytime soon.

So I'm not sure my life plan of having a family of my own will ever happen!

anthony4335

This is an interesting thread ,been think about this kind of subject for a while now. Just heading into my final year of my 30's, and life does not seem to have gone the way I would have imagined .In that I am single, seems like for ever, no children and neither aspect seem likely to be about to change in the near future.
As time has gone on ,while I like the idea of children of my own this sentiment seems to be fading more and more as time goes on. I enjoy kids but as pointed out by some one it is also great when you can hand them back .
I do wonder if it is a case of not wanting kids at this age, but more likely the case that I have resigned myself to the fact of not having any and come to terms with it more so than not wanting kids, if this makes any sense.

miss choc

You're only 30 loads of time to meet someone you should be spending time with friends and doing the things you want to do before rushing into another relationship it takes time but can happen when you least expect it. God 30 wish I was that now, I had just come back from travelling round the world and enjoying single life in boom time Dublin no recession no worries!

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your replies ladies.

I am single 5 years now. Ive had 3 long term relationships. Did I ever envisage them as father of my children? No. Maybe thats part of the confusion. I just always thought Id meet someone who'd (for want of a better expression) make me "want" to want to have them. And then Id be all nested and clucky.

I always thought there would be some magical maternal switch that would go on.

I did meet one guy, and was stone mad about him, and yes I fantasised about having babies and coo'ing and ah'ing and looking at each other going "oh look what we made" kinda stuff, but the reality is, the one guy I fantasised that with, it didnt work out.

Odd stuff out of me. Trying to figure out - Do I think I want one because I cant have one (dont have the "proper" ingredients, i.e., a man who I love enough to carry a child) and I indulge in a fantasy of it all. Or did I never want them at all.

Corkgirl210

u can get the ingredients.... have you ever thought of having a child on your own.. i.e sperm donation? just another option..

Glinda

Hmm...

I think that having kids, or not having kids, is a perfectly valid choice to make and there are all kinds of people in the world living all kinds of successful lives in all kinds of different family set-ups and circumstances.

Having said that, I would be wary of choosing not to have kids because you don't want your life to change, or because you like your life the way it is.

The simple truth is that your life is going to change anyway, kids or not. You can't magically freeze yourself and stay thirty (or forty or whatever age) forever. The things that seem important to you change as you grow in age as well as with experience. You get tired of things, you grow out of them and you have to find new things to be passionate about.

I think we have all come across someone at some stage that stalled at some particular stage in their life and is spending all their energy reaching desperately back to that point, trying to recreate something that's gone instead of growing and changing and getting involved with the present and the future.

Have kids or don't, but be ready to embrace the future - it won't be what you think and you won't be who you think when you get there, but there are great things at all stages in life if you are open to new experiences.