Upset colleague, made him cry

onimoger89

Hey lads, so yesterday in work I think I took my level of teasing/jeering to a whole new level..I made one of my male colleagues cry.
I really didn't mean to..in fact it was never my intention. Since he started working here about 6 months ago,our relationship has been solely based on messing, teasing and jeering and the like. A day didn't go by where we didn't have a laugh. But yesterday I think I took it too far, because I really upset him.
Anytime I jeered him, he never really said that it bugged him as such. We'd laugh about it..he wouldn't be great at comebacks, but yesterday, something changed when myself and a male colleague (I'm a girl) were messing with him. He got teary eyes and stormed off, and when I tried to speak/apologise, he kept saying please stop talking about it, I really don't wanna talk about it, just forget it.
I've never been so ashamed. I never wanted to hurt his feelings and tried to explain this but he wouldn't let me gets word in edgeways, just kept saying to leave it and stop talking about it. I'm such a nasty bitch. Maybe I was verging on bullying?
Then today, I hurt my Dad's feelings, said something nasty to him too.

But my workmate..something about it.. I tried talking to him and he said, there are some things I can handle, and some things I can't. Now can we just stop talking about it.
I dunno how I can make it up to him. I want to see HOW I hurt him, but he won't talk. I obviously hit a nerve, so I think I'll just take a step back..

Mycroft H

Sit down beside him when it's quiet and simply say more or less what you've said here; it was a joke taken too far etc. Basically a sincere apology goes a long way.

Careful of what you say in the future too; I used to be terrible for it, I'm too sharp for my own good. Take a step back and gauge the conversation to where it's at.

mountsky

onimoger89 wrote: »

Hey lads, so yesterday in work I think I took my level of teasing/jeering to a whole new level..I made one of my male colleagues cry.
I really didn't mean to..in fact it was never my intention. Since he started working here about 6 months ago,our relationship has been solely based on messing, teasing and jeering and the like. A day didn't go by where we didn't have a laugh. But yesterday I think I took it too far, because I really upset him.
Anytime I jeered him, he never really said that it bugged him as such. We'd laugh about it..he wouldn't be great at comebacks, but yesterday, something changed when myself and a male colleague (I'm a girl) were messing with him. He got teary eyes and stormed off, and when I tried to speak/apologise, he kept saying please stop talking about it, I really don't wanna talk about it, just forget it.
I've never been so ashamed. I never wanted to hurt his feelings and tried to explain this but he wouldn't let me gets word in edgeways, just kept saying to leave it and stop talking about it. I'm such a nasty bitch. Maybe I was verging on bullying?
Then today, I hurt my Dad's feelings, said something nasty to him too.

But my workmate..something about it.. I tried talking to him and he said, there are some things I can handle, and some things I can't. Now can we just stop talking about it.
I dunno how I can make it up to him. I want to see HOW I hurt him, but he won't talk. I obviously hit a nerve, so I think I'll just take a step back..

Tbh it sounds like he was game for having a laugh up till yesterday-maybe you did hit a nerve,I wouldn't lose too much sleep,one can only imagine you would be pretty upset thinking you caused it,but he may have being having a bad day,not your fault per sa

onimoger89

Yeah maybe so. My way of showing affection is through teasing and joking..and I thought he knew. But to break someone down like that, I feel rotten. Things got really awkward after that then.
Think I'll cool it for a few days, maybe he'll open up a bit to me then..

Ice Storm

onimoger89 wrote: »

Think I'll cool it for a few days, maybe he'll open up a bit to me then..

Probably the best thing you can do now. But if he doesn't want to talk then respect that. I would just try to forget it if I were you as that's clearly what he wants.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

DoYouEvenLift

What exactly was it you said? How did the 'teasing' start in the beginning and who started it?


Also, you may have a problem with reading people and social situations if you don't know when you're taking 'teasing' so far to the point you're questioning if you're bullying people in your work place. Need more context either way.

mountsky

onimoger89 wrote: »

Yeah maybe so. My way of showing affection is through teasing and joking..and I thought he knew. But to break someone down like that, I feel rotten. Things got really awkward after that then.
Think I'll cool it for a few days, maybe he'll open up a bit to me then..

Good point, you're bound to feel like sxxt,but people can get in strange form with Christmas coming up&all that jazz,you wouldn't know what's going on in his head or whatever, it sounds like he might be going through a tough time who knows,best to let him chill out over the next few days

Cushie Butterfield

You've obviously crossed a line. He doesn't have to explain anything to you. Maybe he doesn't want to 'open up' to you. Just leave him alone, mind your own business, respect his wishes & drop it.

You're there to work not to humiliate your fellow employees. Familiarity breeds contempt.

Nekarsulm

Its highly unlikely he will take it any further, most unlikely a male would report such an incident up the line. Macho male pride, etc.
Cool it for a few days, and when a chance presents itself just say privately "sorry I was an asshole the other day, sometimes my month runs away with my brain" and leave it at that.

DoYouEvenLift

Cushie Butterfield wrote: »

You've obviously crossed a line. He doesn't have to explain anything to you. Maybe he doesn't want to 'open up' to you. Just leave him alone, mind your own business, respect his wishes & drop it.

You're there to work not to humiliate your fellow employees. Familiarity breeds contempt.

This. Some people actually find it strange when others are there purely to earn money to fund their actual lives outside of work and want to keep the two totally separate, which can include minimum non work related contact with colleagues.

onimoger89

Yeah maybe I'm probably over thinking it..another downfall I tend to have. Coz genuinely, we have a lot of respect for each other..and it's not nice to see someone that upset..especially when it was unintentional.
Just a matter of giving him time because we are good buddies (+I think my other co-worker-not this guy- has a lot to answer for)

Cheers for the tips lads

davo10

onimoger89 wrote: »

Hey lads, so yesterday in work I think I took my level of teasing/jeering to a whole new level..I made one of my male colleagues cry.
I really didn't mean to..in fact it was never my intention. Since he started working here about 6 months ago,our relationship has been solely based on messing, teasing and jeering and the like. A day didn't go by where we didn't have a laugh. But yesterday I think I took it too far, because I really upset him.
Anytime I jeered him, he never really said that it bugged him as such. We'd laugh about it..he wouldn't be great at comebacks,.

Sorry OP but this kid could come on here and post " my like is a misery, every day at work a female colleague makes my life hell. For the last six months, every day she constantly jeers, mocks and teases me for her own amusement. Today it was so bad that I broke down and cried, which is not easy to admit because I am a man. Am I being bullied and should I make a complaint?"

If we saw this posted on boards, the answer to both questions would be "yes", you are being bullied and after a barrage like that for six months, do complain. You are belittling him and what you consider not "being great at comebacks" is likely to mean that he doesn't share your enjoyment of jeering at others.

The constant need to belittle and hurt others is a sign of insecurity, apologise to him, do not dare mock him for crying and leave the kid alone. Take a good long look in the mirror and see if you like the person looking back at you. Lastly, you will have to hope that the other person in the office is not as fed up with you as this kid is, if the other person is, well you could be in a spot of bother because he/she is more likely to inform management than the kid you make cry.

mapaca

I have to agree with davo 10. This guy would have a good case against you for workplace bullying! I know you think it's all harmless fun, but clearly he has had enough of your teasing.

Apologise, and be more mindful of people's feelings.

kerry4sam

onimoger89 wrote: »

Hey lads, so yesterday in work I think I took my level of teasing/jeering to a whole new level..I made one of my male colleagues cry.
I really didn't mean to..in fact it was never my intention. Since he started working here about 6 months ago,our relationship has been solely based on messing, teasing and jeering and the like. A day didn't go by where we didn't have a laugh. But yesterday I think I took it too far, because I really upset him.
Anytime I jeered him, he never really said that it bugged him as such. We'd laugh about it..he wouldn't be great at comebacks, but yesterday, something changed when myself and a male colleague (I'm a girl) were messing with him. He got teary eyes and stormed off, and when I tried to speak/apologise, he kept saying please stop talking about it, I really don't wanna talk about it, just forget it.
I've never been so ashamed. I never wanted to hurt his feelings and tried to explain this but he wouldn't let me gets word in edgeways, just kept saying to leave it and stop talking about it. I'm such a nasty bitch. Maybe I was verging on bullying?
Then today, I hurt my Dad's feelings, said something nasty to him too.

But my workmate..something about it.. I tried talking to him and he said, there are some things I can handle, and some things I can't. Now can we just stop talking about it.
I dunno how I can make it up to him. I want to see HOW I hurt him, but he won't talk. I obviously hit a nerve, so I think I'll just take a step back..

davo10 wrote: »

Sorry OP but this kid could come on here and post " my like is a misery, every day at work a female colleague makes my life hell. For the last six months, every day she constantly jeers, mocks and teases me for her own amusement. Today it was so bad that I broke down and cried, which is not easy to admit because I am a man. Am I being bullied and should I make a complaint?"

If we saw this posted on boards, the answer to both questions would be "yes", you are being bullied and after a barrage like that for six months, do complain. You are belittling him and what you consider not "being great at comebacks" is likely to mean that he doesn't share your enjoyment of jeering at others.

The constant need to belittle and hurt others is a sign of insecurity, apologise to him, do not dare mock him for crying and leave the kid alone. Take a good long look in the mirror and see if you like the person looking back at you. Lastly, you will have to hope that the other person in the office is not as fed up with you as this kid is, if the other person is, well you could be in a spot of bother because he/she is more likely to inform management than the kid you make cry.

^^^ This is what I thought of also.
OP: Have a read of my own thread on Bullying in the Workplace right here. That was only some of what I was subjected to Volunteering as a Garda Reserve.

You really should feel terrible, but you know what, I have this feeling that you're feeling bad will only be temporary since you say this is how you engage with people. I can assure you though, what you colleague that you bullied is facing is years of hurt & anger to say the very least. Think about that for a moment. I think you need to learn a new way of communicating; maybe find a course you could attend to assist you.

You could be very lucky in that the senior officers in my workplace don't do anything to stand up against this behaviour; and it could very well be the same in your workplace too should they decide to make a complaint.

Seriously, how could you not have known what you were doing? How could you not have seen the noticable difference in that colleague of yours. I know I certainly changed and I know it upset my now Late Loving Dad watching me change; watching me hurting and knowing nothing was done to assist by anyone in the organisation to stop this behaviour.

Try and attend some form of course on communicating, in general. UCC I just found are doing an Interpersonal Communication course, see here for details.

I don't know about the apologising route as I'd rip shreds of anyone who tried to apologise to me about this behaviour now! Especially since my now Late Loving had to pass away knowing his daughter was being subjected to this; and members of said organisation thought it okay & suitable behaviour to treat a volunteer Garda Reserve this way.

This way of communicating you have though will have to stop though,
kerry4sam

spurious

You never know what is going on in someone else's life that will make them react in an unexpected way.

Never a great fan of the Irish 'slagging' culture. I've seen too many people get really vicious digs in under the cover of 'slagging'.

'Teasing and jeering' isn't really a way to relate to anyone. I can see why he does not want to speak to you about it every time you try to apologise (and I do believe you are sorry for it), but stop with the general teasing and joking and maybe in a month or so when he sees it has stopped you can genuinely try to tell him how sorry you are that you hurt him. I wouldn't blame him if he told you to stick it though, if he has had that treatment for an extended period.

yosser hughes

Without telling us what you said that may have hit a nerve; I'm not sure anyone can really advise. Context is everything.
Give us an idea, and we might have an inkling to what may have upset him.If he as you say was laways an equal party to slagging etc. you've reasonable expectation he would take it as just that, messing/slagging.
He could just be winding you up of course.
It sounds like you care enough, so you're probably a good person and I'm sure he knows that.

Qualitymark

onimoger89 wrote: »

Yeah maybe so. My way of showing affection is through teasing and joking..and I thought he knew. But to break someone down like that, I feel rotten. Things got really awkward after that then.
Think I'll cool it for a few days, maybe he'll open up a bit to me then..

I think not.

You need to find a different way of showing affection; quiet kindness and courtesy works best.

Teasing and joking is fine when you're twelve, and haven't yet learned social skills. As an adult, just be nice and be polite.

Rosie Rant

You say you had a good laugh with this guy, that when you jeered and mocked he laughed along with you. When I was being bullied I sometimes laughed along. Maybe it was a defense mechanism, maybe I hoped it would make them stop. It might have looked to them like I was just having a laugh, but I was dying inside. You owe this guy a really good apology.

Penny Tration

Stop jeering people in work.

it is not a way of showing affection like you think it is. It's completely unprofessional and pretty much unacceptable in the workplace, not to mention a nasty way of treating colleagues.

i tease and jeer my boyfriend and male friends, and they do the same back. I wouldn't dream of doing it to a colleague!

smcgiff

Apologising can be an act to make yourself feel better.

He'll not want to be reminded that you made him cry, so stop bringing it up.

It's likely everytime he sees you it'll remind him and make him embarrassed. Time will heal though, don't change completely around him, but tone it down. That way he'll think you've forgotten about making him cry, which is most likely what he wants most.

This coming from someone who likes a bit of banter in the workplace.

BmCon

I think you just hit on an issue he has which you would not think is an issue.

Years ago I used to have the same crack with a girl I worked with till she said "I could not make her cry". But that was a challenge she would regret.

I simply said "you looked great years ago when you were that little bit slimmer"
She cried her eyes out and asked me how could I be so mean.

My point is; she looked just as beautiful as she always had. I did not know she thought she looked fat. I just hit the right nerve at the right time to make her cry.

Think about what you said; that's where you'll find the answer.

NewYork1979

I got a lot of that from males at work years ago when I was a trainee and a lot of the time it was to make themselves feel funny, mocking my country accent etc. I've no issue in having a laugh but when it embarrasses you and they don't stop, when they single you out and everyone is laughing, not so funny. I liked the guys who did it but god they went too far sometimes.

Be careful with work, there's a really fine line with bullying. I'll give you an example, we had a department at work, one of the girls was quite eccentric, me and another girl were best pals outside of work, we always went to lunch together etc. Anyway one day our boss told us that we had been complained by the other girl for leaving her out by not inviting her to lunch, that it could be construed as bullying. A lesson learned, everyone is entitled to go to work without feeling upset.

Say sorry at some point but leave it for now. We never know what is going on with people, we are all great actors and actresses when it comes to hiding what's really going on.

WittyName1

I hope it wasn't his physical appearance, which he can do nothing about, that you were slagging.
In my workplace people seem to think it's okay to openly slag any guys that are short or any guys who are losing their hair. They do this openly and to their faces. I don't understand it at all. I can see that it hurts the guys in question but their 'mates' just keep on with the jibes thinking the victim is having a laugh too.
I definitely see it as a form of bullying and it must make them feel awful as they are being slagged over something they have absolutely no control over and which they would give anything to change themselves.

NewYork1979

WittyName1 wrote: »

I hope it wasn't his physical appearance, which he can do nothing about, that you were slagging.
In my workplace people seem to think it's okay to openly slag any guys that are short or any guys who are losing their hair. They do this openly and to their faces. I don't understand it at all. I can see that it hurts the guys in question but their 'mates' just keep on with the jibes thinking the victim is having a laugh too.
I definitely see it as a form of bullying and it must make them feel awful as they are being slagged over something they have absolutely no control over and which they would give anything to change themselves.

Slagging someone's appearance is not ok. A girl at work used to say to me, "god you are too thin", to this day I regret not having a hop off her for it.

chrismon

Rosie Rant wrote: »

You say you had a good laugh with this guy, that when you jeered and mocked he laughed along with you. When I was being bullied I sometimes laughed along. Maybe it was a defense mechanism, maybe I hoped it would make them stop. It might have looked to them like I was just having a laugh, but I was dying inside. You owe this guy a really good apology.

Have to agree here.

You might not realise you are bullying him OP.
He is probably not the type of guy who is up for a slagging everyday in work.
It can break people down over time.

kitchenkid

If you are really sorry, you should depart that workplace and leave him in peace. Every time he sees you he will be uncomfortable now, and may feel he has to leave his job. You were the bully. You leave.

marienbad

You teased a newcomer every day for six months , you say you are quick witted and they are not and you took advantage of that . Silence does not mean consent, because he went along with it doesn't means he agreed with it . You even ganged up on him with a colleague . You say you have done it with others including your own father .

You are a bully , get help, if you worked for me you would be suspended by now .

Qualitymark

Hang on, lads, telling truth to power is one thing, ganging up on the OP is another.

OP, maybe take this as a message from you to yourself, to act differently in work - and outside, indeed. We sometimes (certainly true of myself) are quite unaware of how our actions affect other people, because we're acting from deep inside ourselves.

You've hurt your colleague, and you know that now. But the solution isn't to find out what hurt him and stop; it's just to stop slagging altogether.

Slagging does your own career no good.

Here's a story for you. A few years back a journalist came to my house, walked in and laughed lightly. "Ah, one of those Dublin houses that's meant to look like a country house." I smiled and said nothing, but thought "You're a little miss, Miss".

If her name came up in conversation I never said anything, though there admittedly may have been a bit of the "Oh, her" about my silence. There seemed to be a little bit of that about others' silence, anyway. She's no longer employed where she was, and her career seems to have fizzled out.

You may be going along with your slagging and fun (fun for you, anyway), and the effect on your future may be dangling over your head like a sharp cleaver on a thin and fraying thread.

yosser hughes

marienbad wrote: »

You teased a newcomer every day for six months , you say you are quick witted and they are not and you took advantage of that . Silence does not mean consent, because he went along with it doesn't means he agreed with it . You even ganged up on him with a colleague . You say you have done it with others including your own father .

You are a bully , get help, if you worked for me you would be suspended by now .

I think you're being a bit harsh there.

yosser hughes

kitchenkid wrote: »

If you are really sorry, you should depart that workplace and leave him in peace. Every time he sees you he will be uncomfortable now, and may feel he has to leave his job. You were the bully. You leave.

Steady on! Jesus !

marienbad

yosser hughes wrote: »

I think you're being a bit harsh there.

Not in the least, if the sexes were reversed this wouldn't have lasted 2 days . The Op has a smart mouth and seems to have no hesitation in using it and even co-opting others in the 'fun' . A cut a dried case of bullying and the company had been exposed to a potential liability on top of the damage done to that young man.

zero tolerance for this s&*t in the workplace .

yosser hughes

marienbad wrote: »

Not in the least, if the sexes were reversed this wouldn't have lasted 2 days . The Op has a smart mouth and seems to have no hesitation in using it and even co-opting others in the 'fun' . A cut a dried case of bullying and the company had been exposed to a potential liability on top of the damage done to that young man.

zero tolerance for this s&*t in the workplace .

Were you there?

Tar.Aldarion

I would sit down with him and make it clear that you like him, that the teasing was a way you expressed this and that you realise it wasn't the best thing to do, that in future you will act different, see what he says. He might have enjoyed the teasing before or might not have, talking to him in a non pressured situation when you both have calmed down is the way to go. There are people I tease with and people I don't, part of getting to know somebody is naking mistakes, you don't know them well, it can easily hurt and somebody doesn't show it, make some gesture to show you care. Often it might be something personal outside work too, honestly we have no idea, but you can find out more than us and know your relationship better

Donald73

I think it might have been the fact there was another colleague joining in that really upset him. OP does the guy who got upset usually laugh and jeer back at you? It seems that way from your original post. I think maybe this (to him) was a kind of almost flirty way of behaving, that the two of you would tease each other and it was all great fun (if he did tease back). But the adding in of another male colleague changed that dynamic. He may have felt embarrassed or may have felt that the two of you were ganging up on him and that you don't therefore take him seriously - either as a friend or as potentially more than that.

I would give him a heartfelt apology, get him on his own and do it. And never again get into a slagging situation like that. If (and it's a very big if) this colleague does become friends with you again then take it easy, if he instigates the teasing again then maybe go with it but never ever bring anyone else into it or allow them to do so. It then turns into ganging up and can escalate into bullying.

However if you have a sharp tongue and have often upset people in the past in this way then the ultimate best thing to do is to not engage in such practices, be friendly and polite with colleagues sure but nothing more. And thinking before you speak also helps a lot.

Wexford96

onimoger89 wrote: »

Yeah maybe I'm probably over thinking it..another downfall I tend to have. Coz genuinely, we have a lot of respect for each other..and it's not nice to see someone that upset..especially when it was unintentional.
Just a matter of giving him time because we are good buddies (+I think my other co-worker-not this guy- has a lot to answer for)

Cheers for the tips lads [/QUYo
How do you know he respects you?

marienbad

yosser hughes wrote: »

Were you there?

Irrelevant, this is a discussion forum , and we discuss the incidents on the details given and they were such as to warrant a suspension.

Rosie Rant

I don't think people should be ganging up on the OP. She feels bad and she at least deserves some credit for that. Others wouldn't care less if their words hurt people or not. If my own comment made you feel worse than you already did OP, I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention.

When you tried to talk to the guy after the incident he wouldn't let you. Are you friends with him online? Do you have his number? Maybe you could write a carefully worded apology in a message. He might be too embarrassed to talk about it in person. Especially after getting upset in front of another guy. Things will probably be awkward if it's not sorted soon.

December2012

he has been slagged from day one.

oP, the best thing you can do is respect his wishes, stop bringing it up and stop the behaviour.

Go in, do work, go home. Be friendly. But change your definition of friendly behaviour - slagging, jeering and teasing are not things you do regularly with friends, particularly wirk colleagues who do not have the option of stopping associating with you.

Now is the time to think about what kind of person you want to be. The fact that you do it to other people suggests to me that you do it too often. Personally it's a trait that I don't like in people and I think it's immature.

And it's 100% inappropriate in work.

Stavro Mueller

It might be worth putting yourself in this guy's shoes for a minute. Imagine how you'd feel if someone upset you enough to make you cry. Would you want to hold a conversation about it with the person who drove you to tears? If I was this guy I'd be dreading going into work on Monday and facing the person/people who made me cry. I'm sure he is still mortified that he cried in front of you. You trying to discuss it with him is just rubbing salt into the wound. Respect the guy's wishes and leave him alone. Don't ever bring the topic up again because I think you're only doing it for your own benefit, not for his.

From now on I suggest you don't slag the guy. Treat him in a friendly but professional manner and leave it at that. I think you've learned the hard way that one person's office banter is another person's bullying. For your own good you should tone it down for everyone, not just for this guy. You might think messing, teasing and jeering's great craic altogether but there's a good chance your words have been undermining more people than you think. Perhaps other colleagues dread you and your jokes as well.

NewYork1979

At least the OP feels bad about it and realises she might be going too far with people, that's half the battle. Some people never realise their carry on can hurt people and they don't care.

thegreatgonzo

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

You trying to discuss it with him is just rubbing salt into the wound. Respect the guy's wishes and leave him alone. Don't ever bring the topic up again because I think you're only doing it for your own benefit, not for his.

l.

Totally agree with this. Just leave him alone OP. If you see an opportunity in the future to do him a good turn in work do that but don't make a big song and dance about making amends.

Irish_Elect_Eng

yosser hughes wrote: »

I think you're being a bit harsh there.

Harsh perhaps, but only because it is often close to the truth of these type of situations.

_Whimsical_

OP the fact that you say "he wouldn't be great with comebacks" surely tipped you off long ago that this wasn't a good old laugh and just some humourous back and forth banter between friends. It sounds like you realised that you crossed the line quite a while back and you didn't just hit a nerve last week but you probably hit his final nerve.

It's good you feel bad about it, I hope it makes you change your behaviour toward him but toward other people too. I can't imagine why you'd think he'd think he'd want to talk to you about it. I say leave him alone except to be friendly and professional and if there are other colleagues continuing this fun filled slagging fest at his expense be the one to step in and say shut up or change the subject.

Bigdavyj

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

OP the fact that you say "he wouldn't be great with comebacks" surely tipped you off long ago that this wasn't a good old laugh and just some humourous back and forth banter between friends. It sounds like you realised that you crossed the line quite a while back and you didn't just hit a nerve last week but you probably hit his final nerve.

It's good you feel bad about it, I hope it makes you change your behaviour toward him but toward other people too. I can't imagine why you'd think he'd think he'd want to talk to you about it. I say leave him alone except to be friendly and professional and if there are other colleagues continuing this fun filled slagging fest at his expense be the one to step in and say shut up or change the subject.

I agree completely, damage has been done at this guys expense. Maybe a bit of good samartin on the OPs behalf... if you see people slagging/ having fun at his expense, you should step in and put a stop to it. Don't wait around for a thanks from him or give a wink as if your quits ( all the wrongs have been righted).
Just be aware of other peoples feelings, also the workplace can be difficult enfough without having to go in every day and have someone humiliating you. We don't know for how long or how bad this harrasment has been affecting this guy. It is a very serious sitituation.. you should feel bad.. but hopefully lessons have been learned

Nody

//MOD

While this has been a good thread for the discussion the OP has closed their account and no more new advise is likely to come that the OP can use. With this in mind and the sensitive nature of the topic at hand we're closing the thread until further notice. If the OP or someone else can give us a strong reason to open it again we'll consider it but for now simply take away what happened and think if this may be going on around you.

//MOD